Balancing being a step-mom and a new biological mom-need advice.

Hillary - posted on 07/18/2013 ( 13 moms have responded )

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Hello, i'm a newly married 24 year old that is 5 months pregnant with my first :) My husband also has a child that is almost 1 year of age. I have been in his son's life from the time he was born and love him very much, but now that I am pregnant i am beginning to feel jealousy and anxiety about the situation because I am very focused on my pregnancy and our child and i feel bad for saying this but i don't want any distractions and a 1 year old is obviously time consuming. We have the child half the time but I am wondering how do I balance my pregnancy and new baby with my step son? I have these crazy worries about my husband loving his son more than our child and things of that nature and it is causing some bickering between us because of my jealousy. I had never felt this way toward his son until i became pregnant and i am wondering if it will ever go away? It sounds terrible but i find myself wishing he never had a child from a previous relationship and I feel horrible for thinking this.

13 Comments

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Leesa - posted on 07/21/2013

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I also have 3 step daughter I've know since they were toddlers and they are now teens. One lives with us full time and we are very close. I also have 3 kids of my own that have had my husband their step dad in their life since they were toddlers. Believe me when I say this it gets worst when they are teens. My oldest sd is the biggest trouble maker ever she and her mother have been trying to breàk us up for the last couple years and all of a sudden hates me now she's 16. Unfortunately me and my husband don't have any kids together but we all try to live as one happy family even with his ex and daughter causing trouble I have learnt to ignore them as much as I can. Try not to let jealousy get in the way even though I know how hard that is and be happy with your husband, step child and your beautiful new baby hope everything works out for you

Terri - posted on 07/20/2013

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It will just take some transitioning. By no means will it be easy--especially since this is your first biological child. Give it some time. Keep lines of communication open with your husband and let him know how you are feeling. Even if you were giving birth to your second child, it would still be difficult balancing attention between your first born and your second born. It doesn't mean that you love them any less. A good father and husband will be understanding to what his wife is going through and would definitely love both children equally. Give it some time. It will work itself out. Good luck, Hillary.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 07/18/2013

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Wow reading your post is like reading something straight out of my own mind!! I felt exactly how you do and no one can judge you for having emotions. It's tough to realize that your hubby already experienced the bond of creating a child with someone else and I don't care what anyone says but no amount of knowing he had a child can prepare you for the emotions you will feel once you conceive. I also struggled with the fact that I had to be responsible for his daughter full time once I realized I only had a few months left to be care free for the last time for the next 18 years. I talked to hubby and thankfully he saw my point and considered how I felt and my step daughter started staying with her mom more often . I understand that kids are priority but you need to make sure you take care of your emotional needs or the resentment will just get worse. I wanted some time alone with my baby after I had her and I got 3 nights to Just focus on her and it helped a lot. I actually feel guilty now because my husband has a closer bond with our child then my step daughter even though he loves them the same. He spends every day with her and knows her inside and out which he missed out on with his other daughter. I still get pangs of jealousy now and then but never let my step daughter see it bc it's not her fault. My husband is very sensitive to my needs so it really helps. Your not a bad person for feeling this as long as you don't try to push his son away. Be honest with your hubby about how you feel because if you don't communicate your needs then you will become extremely resentful if he doesn't make an effort to make sure he is being a good father and a good husband. I really felt exactly as you do and honestly probably worse so if you need to talk more
Email me at dmemmiegirl78@gmail.com

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 07/18/2013

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Wow reading your post is like reading something straight out of my own mind!! I felt exactly how you do and no one can judge you for having emotions. It's tough to realize that your hubby already experienced the bond of creating a child with someone else and I don't care what anyone says but no amount of knowing he had a child can prepare you for the emotions you will feel once you conceive. I also struggled with the fact that I had to be responsible for his daughter full time once I realized I only had a few months left to be care free for the last time for the next 18 years. I talked to hubby and thankfully he saw my point and considered how I felt and my step daughter started staying with her mom more often . I understand that kids are priority but you need to make sure you take care of your emotional needs or the resentment will just get worse. I wanted some time alone with my baby after I had her and I got 3 nights to Just focus on her and it helped a lot. I actually feel guilty now because my husband has a closer bond with our child then my step daughter even though he loves them the same. He spends every day with her and knows her inside and out which he missed out on with his other daughter. I still get pangs of jealousy now and then but never let my step daughter see it bc it's not her fault. My husband is very sensitive to my needs so it really helps. Your not a bad person for feeling this as long as you don't try to push his son away. Be honest with your hubby about how you feel because if you don't communicate your needs then you will become extremely resentful if he doesn't make an effort to make sure he is being a good father and a good husband. I really felt exactly as you do and honestly probably worse so if you need to talk more
Email me at dmemmiegirl78@gmail.com

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 07/18/2013

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Wow reading your post is like reading something straight out of my own mind!! I felt exactly how you do and no one can judge you for having emotions. It's tough to realize that your hubby already experienced the bond of creating a child with someone else and I don't care what anyone says but no amount of knowing he had a child can prepare you for the emotions you will feel once you conceive. I also struggled with the fact that I had to be responsible for his daughter full time once I realized I only had a few months left to be care free for the last time for the next 18 years. I talked to hubby and thankfully he saw my point and considered how I felt and my step daughter started staying with her mom more often . I understand that kids are priority but you need to make sure you take care of your emotional needs or the resentment will just get worse. I wanted some time alone with my baby after I had her and I got 3 nights to Just focus on her and it helped a lot. I actually feel guilty now because my husband has a closer bond with our child then my step daughter even though he loves them the same. He spends every day with her and knows her inside and out which he missed out on with his other daughter. I still get pangs of jealousy now and then but never let my step daughter see it bc it's not her fault. My husband is very sensitive to my needs so it really helps. Your not a bad person for feeling this as long as you don't try to push his son away. Be honest with your hubby about how you feel because if you don't communicate your needs then you will become extremely resentful if he doesn't make an effort to make sure he is being a good father and a good husband. I really felt exactly as you do and honestly probably worse so if you need to talk more
Email me at dmemmiegirl78@gmail.com

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 07/18/2013

581

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54

Wow reading your post is like reading something straight out of my own mind!! I felt exactly how you do and no one can judge you for having emotions. It's tough to realize that your hubby already experienced the bond of creating a child with someone else and I don't care what anyone says but no amount of knowing he had a child can prepare you for the emotions you will feel once you conceive. I also struggled with the fact that I had to be responsible for his daughter full time once I realized I only had a few months left to be care free for the last time for the next 18 years. I talked to hubby and thankfully he saw my point and considered how I felt and my step daughter started staying with her mom more often . I understand that kids are priority but you need to make sure you take care of your emotional needs or the resentment will just get worse. I wanted some time alone with my baby after I had her and I got 3 nights to Just focus on her and it helped a lot. I actually feel guilty now because my husband has a closer bond with our child then my step daughter even though he loves them the same. He spends every day with her and knows her inside and out which he missed out on with his other daughter. I still get pangs of jealousy now and then but never let my step daughter see it bc it's not her fault. My husband is very sensitive to my needs so it really helps. Your not a bad person for feeling this as long as you don't try to push his son away. Be honest with your hubby about how you feel because if you don't communicate your needs then you will become extremely resentful if he doesn't make an effort to make sure he is being a good father and a good husband. I really felt exactly as you do and honestly probably worse so if you need to talk more
Email me at dmemmiegirl78@gmail.com

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 07/18/2013

581

0

54

Wow reading your post is like reading something straight out of my own mind!! I felt exactly how you do and no one can judge you for having emotions. It's tough to realize that your hubby already experienced the bond of creating a child with someone else and I don't care what anyone says but no amount of knowing he had a child can prepare you for the emotions you will feel once you conceive. I also struggled with the fact that I had to be responsible for his daughter full time once I realized I only had a few months left to be care free for the last time for the next 18 years. I talked to hubby and thankfully he saw my point and considered how I felt and my step daughter started staying with her mom more often . I understand that kids are priority but you need to make sure you take care of your emotional needs or the resentment will just get worse. I wanted some time alone with my baby after I had her and I got 3 nights to Just focus on her and it helped a lot. I actually feel guilty now because my husband has a closer bond with our child then my step daughter even though he loves them the same. He spends every day with her and knows her inside and out which he missed out on with his other daughter. I still get pangs of jealousy now and then but never let my step daughter see it bc it's not her fault. My husband is very sensitive to my needs so it really helps. Your not a bad person for feeling this as long as you don't try to push his son away. Be honest with your hubby about how you feel because if you don't communicate your needs then you will become extremely resentful if he doesn't make an effort to make sure he is being a good father and a good husband. I really felt exactly as you do and honestly probably worse so if you need to talk more
Email me at dmemmiegirl78@gmail.com

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 07/18/2013

581

0

54

Wow reading your post is like reading something straight out of my own mind!! I felt exactly how you do and no one can judge you for having emotions. It's tough to realize that your hubby already experienced the bond of creating a child with someone else and I don't care what anyone says but no amount of knowing he had a child can prepare you for the emotions you will feel once you conceive. I also struggled with the fact that I had to be responsible for his daughter full time once I realized I only had a few months left to be care free for the last time for the next 18 years. I talked to hubby and thankfully he saw my point and considered how I felt and my step daughter started staying with her mom more often . I understand that kids are priority but you need to make sure you take care of your emotional needs or the resentment will just get worse. I wanted some time alone with my baby after I had her and I got 3 nights to Just focus on her and it helped a lot. I actually feel guilty now because my husband has a closer bond with our child then my step daughter even though he loves them the same. He spends every day with her and knows her inside and out which he missed out on with his other daughter. I still get pangs of jealousy now and then but never let my step daughter see it bc it's not her fault. My husband is very sensitive to my needs so it really helps. Your not a bad person for feeling this as long as you don't try to push his son away. Be honest with your hubby about how you feel because if you don't communicate your needs then you will become extremely resentful if he doesn't make an effort to make sure he is being a good father and a good husband. I really felt exactly as you do and honestly probably worse so if you need to talk more
Email me at dmemmiegirl78@gmail.com

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 07/18/2013

581

0

54

Wow reading your post is like reading something straight out of my own mind!! I felt exactly how you do and no one can judge you for having emotions. It's tough to realize that your hubby already experienced the bond of creating a child with someone else and I don't care what anyone says but no amount of knowing he had a child can prepare you for the emotions you will feel once you conceive. I also struggled with the fact that I had to be responsible for his daughter full time once I realized I only had a few months left to be care free for the last time for the next 18 years. I talked to hubby and thankfully he saw my point and considered how I felt and my step daughter started staying with her mom more often . I understand that kids are priority but you need to make sure you take care of your emotional needs or the resentment will just get worse. I wanted some time alone with my baby after I had her and I got 3 nights to Just focus on her and it helped a lot. I actually feel guilty now because my husband has a closer bond with our child then my step daughter even though he loves them the same. He spends every day with her and knows her inside and out which he missed out on with his other daughter. I still get pangs of jealousy now and then but never let my step daughter see it bc it's not her fault. My husband is very sensitive to my needs so it really helps. Your not a bad person for feeling this as long as you don't try to push his son away. Be honest with your hubby about how you feel because if you don't communicate your needs then you will become extremely resentful if he doesn't make an effort to make sure he is being a good father and a good husband. I really felt exactly as you do and honestly probably worse so if you need to talk more
Email me at dmemmiegirl78@gmail.com

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 07/18/2013

581

0

54

Wow reading your post is like reading something straight out of my own mind!! I felt exactly how you do and no one can judge you for having emotions. It's tough to realize that your hubby already experienced the bond of creating a child with someone else and I don't care what anyone says but no amount of knowing he had a child can prepare you for the emotions you will feel once you conceive. I also struggled with the fact that I had to be responsible for his daughter full time once I realized I only had a few months left to be care free for the last time for the next 18 years. I talked to hubby and thankfully he saw my point and considered how I felt and my step daughter started staying with her mom more often . I understand that kids are priority but you need to make sure you take care of your emotional needs or the resentment will just get worse. I wanted some time alone with my baby after I had her and I got 3 nights to Just focus on her and it helped a lot. I actually feel guilty now because my husband has a closer bond with our child then my step daughter even though he loves them the same. He spends every day with her and knows her inside and out which he missed out on with his other daughter. I still get pangs of jealousy now and then but never let my step daughter see it bc it's not her fault. My husband is very sensitive to my needs so it really helps. Your not a bad person for feeling this as long as you don't try to push his son away. Be honest with your hubby about how you feel because if you don't communicate your needs then you will become extremely resentful if he doesn't make an effort to make sure he is being a good father and a good husband. I really felt exactly as you do and honestly probably worse so if you need to talk more
Email me at dmemmiegirl78@gmail.com

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 07/18/2013

581

0

54

Wow reading your post is like reading something straight out of my own mind!! I felt exactly how you do and no one can judge you for having emotions. It's tough to realize that your hubby already experienced the bond of creating a child with someone else and I don't care what anyone says but no amount of knowing he had a child can prepare you for the emotions you will feel once you conceive. I also struggled with the fact that I had to be responsible for his daughter full time once I realized I only had a few months left to be care free for the last time for the next 18 years. I talked to hubby and thankfully he saw my point and considered how I felt and my step daughter started staying with her mom more often . I understand that kids are priority but you need to make sure you take care of your emotional needs or the resentment will just get worse. I wanted some time alone with my baby after I had her and I got 3 nights to Just focus on her and it helped a lot. I actually feel guilty now because my husband has a closer bond with our child then my step daughter even though he loves them the same. He spends every day with her and knows her inside and out which he missed out on with his other daughter. I still get pangs of jealousy now and then but never let my step daughter see it bc it's not her fault. My husband is very sensitive to my needs so it really helps. Your not a bad person for feeling this as long as you don't try to push his son away. Be honest with your hubby about how you feel because if you don't communicate your needs then you will become extremely resentful if he doesn't make an effort to make sure he is being a good father and a good husband. I really felt exactly as you do and honestly probably worse so if you need to talk more
Email me at dmemmiegirl78@gmail.com

Deanna - posted on 07/18/2013

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Mean this nicely---but do you see how many times you used the word "I" in this post? Take a different approach---think about that child, put yourself in her/his shoes. That little girl did not ask for her original parents not to be together. It is not her/his fault. They are a kid, you are the adult. If you love your husband, you will love that child as your own. Read the 5 Love Languages--it helps connect relationships---even with a kid that little. Good Luck!

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