Been the mother of a narcistic daughter.

Emmanuele - posted on 03/26/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Been the daughter of a narcissistic mother, I married a narcissistic man. I do beleive that if one gets married before recovering from a neurotic parent one will automatically marry a fellow who has the same disorder than his or her neurotic parent. Could be that in our subconscient it is because it was somehow printed that such behavior meant love or could be that the one we "choose" senses us as compliant victims ... I am not a psychiatrist just an RN. Anyway, I am convinced that one doesn't become narcissist from being born from a narcissist parent. One suffers so much from having had the constant conditional love from the neurotic parent that on the contrary we want to give unconditional love to our children. But giving unconditional love to a child who has inherited the narcissist-genes is just plain hell since this child is a full-time attention-seeker. My youngest daughter is one. She is the most darling daughter as long as every one plays her tunes, as long as the spot-lights are on her. I live abroad, but each birthday I have her sent a bouquet of 2 dozen roses but this year I didn't, just did same she did for Mother Day and my own birthday : a post it on face-book ! Oh ! Gosh did I get it !!! She made her (3rd) hubby to send me a message of how she was hurt. Too bad, not a word from her. Sorry, I am recovering and plane to enjoy life at last. She tried to hurt me by writting venimous words about me in a face-book group she knows I can read, but this time it hardly touched me, I just feel sad for her since her need of perpetual attention is growing up with time since evryone bend to her requests as I did until now. As a parent, could be my new behavior - which I feel comfortable with - is the best choice and could give her a chance to use her brain a little bit (between 2 Xanax). On facebook she writes that she doesn't feel like giving money to any f ... therapist, and that she rather spend the money shopping and that medications do better than speaking to an "asshole". As mothers we must be strong and use a little bit of self-respect, any other behavior is useless and suicidal.

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Emmanuele - posted on 03/26/2015

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Reply to "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" : Could sound narcissist, granted ! But I dubt you know what it is to try to coop with a narcissist child. It is always a one way street "my way or the highway" or "Moms give , children receive". I can't stand anymore so many things like having to take a cab after a 7 hours flight to see my daughter while she is still in bed upon my arrival. In Europe, forget about being or not being narcissist such thing is plain rude. Two hours drive for me to go and pick them up when they come but always there to greet them on their flight arrival knowing how a long fligh could be exhausting. As well I never forget any of my children or my good friends's birthdays but this year I practiced reciprocity and served my daughter the same dish she served me for mine. I knew it would result by a hudge tantrum and it did.Too bad. As a good N. she didn't call me to ask me why she didn't get her yearly bouquet but asked her hubby to write to me and served me good on a face-book group she knows I am on. If one accepts to be an eternal target or scape-goat it is plain masochism. Her tantrum made me sick for a couple of days but I still think that I did well. Thank God, with my other 3 children there is mutual respect and themselves have diffculties with their sister being so often a problem maker. I love dearly my daughter and I can sense how unhappy she is, not sad because she didn't get her bouquet but sad that spot-lights can't be on her full-time. I am not making fun about Xanax, it is very sad that she doesn't beleive in any kind of real therapy. Myself, each time I have a problem which make me suffer I did go to a therapist and it helped a lot and I am sure that if I would go back to my therapist she would tell me that I did well to stand for myself and would even add "At last !".

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/26/2015

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Do you have any diagnoses for any of these people that you mention?
You actually may have fostered your daughter's sense of entitlement by over compensating for how you were raised.
Another thing: you complain that your daughter did not seek you out to comment about the lack of a gift, her husband did (why you felt the need to mention that it was her 3rd, who knows?). Perhaps, just perhaps, her husband was disturbed because his wife was upset. Perhaps his wife was upset because the one person who was consistent in her life has suddenly, for no apparent reason (because you never bothered to mention to her that she'd hurt YOUR feelings), stopped giving her the gifts she's become accustomed to receiving.
No one ever is completely pleased with things that others do. Sometimes we vent, in places that we feel may be safe. If what you saw on FB was her venting...can you honestly say that you've never done that in a public forum? No, you really can't, because...well...here you are, venting and saying not so nice things about her. If she were a member of this site, she'd be able to see it...
You said it yourself. You've always given her everything she wanted. Did you expect her to be appreciative that you've 'seen the light' and stopped?

Furthermore, narcissism is not a genetically related disorder. It is extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type. I'm actually seeing a bit of it in your post.

Jodi - posted on 03/26/2015

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I really hate the way people throw "narcissistic" around without any real diagnosis. It also is not genetic. Yes, children can be born with a tendency to oversensitivity, but they are not born as a narcissist. That is something that develops as a result of their upbringing and life experiences:
Excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback.
Excessive praise for good behaviors or excessive criticism for bad behaviors in childhood.
Overindulgence and overvaluation by parents, other family members, or peers.
Being praised for perceived exceptional looks or abilities by adults.
Severe emotional abuse in childhood.
Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents.
Learning manipulative behaviors from parents or peers.
Valued by parents as a means to regulate their own self-esteem.

So basically, if she is this way, she is the way you created her, possibly because it is the only example of parenting that you had.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/26/2015

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I understand that. I understand also that the choices we make in life are ours. We need to own them. Just like your daughter needs to own her choices, and how she treats people. You cannot bully someone into therapy. That is a very personal choice. Also, if Xanax is a prescription anti depressant then she has to be seeing someone for her problems.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/26/2015

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Ummmm....sounds like you are a bit of a narcissist yourself.

Point blank, you didn't acknowledge your daughters birthday. I am sure that hurt her feelings. You making fun of her for taking Xanax doesn't help.

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