Beginning of a Divorce

Elena - posted on 05/31/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Hello moms,

I'm here to get other mother's POV or advice on things. Thanks in advance!

It hurts to talk about the past, so I'll keep it as painless as possible. My husband has a drug problem. I've found a lot of cocaine baggies in the laundry. The latest was a month ago. He's come and gone in and out of our lives for 4 years now. And I want out. I have had a TRO on him for domestic abuse and he pled guilty in court. He got a year probation and DVI classes.

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have 3 children; twin 3 year olds and a 1 year old. I am a stay at home mother, but get income from a legal source (lol). My husband is in the union, but has not started yet and has no income. When my twins start school I want to go to school to be an EMT/Paramedic. The tuition cost in the state I live in is not affordable for me. Neither is our living situation. I pay $1,100 for a studio. Yes, my children and sometimes my husband too, live in a studio. I pay for it, not him. But now I want to relocate to Las Vegas. The tuition for an EMT program is around $2,000. The pre schools for my twins are cheaper. And I can get a 2 bedroom apartment for $800. I've explained all of this to my husband, but hes stuck on living here because this is where he grew up. We both grew up here, but I am open to moving as long as it betters our lives. He told me today that he wants a divorce (and I am dead to him) if I want to move.

I don't really know what I'm asking here, but fire away!

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Grammieann - posted on 06/02/2015

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I understand. Family can be a stabilizing, healing influence - or it can "support" destructive cycles. :( I'm glad you have your family behind you. Programs like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or Celebrate Recovery can also help in coping with a loved one's addiction in healthy ways. Might be worth checking out if you haven't already.

Still praying. ♥
grammiann
Grammie to 2 precious girls

Ev - posted on 06/01/2015

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I have to agree with the other ladies. There are all kinds of reasons that a divorce takes place for. And I think most times there are children involved. I had two involved when it came to the custody portion of the divorce. My advice where the children are concerned is to think of them first because they will feel it more even at this young of an age. Make sure that there is the open chance for a relationship with the father. Get custody set, visitation set, and child support set so that you can get what you need for them. Also consider that if you can move out of state that each state has a different idea on laws concerning custody etc and getting child support sent through two states is going to be hard. My friend has had to deal with this for years. It has to go to thru the state her ex lives in and is sent to where we live before she can get it. Its a pain but she does get it. Also if this lawyer you had before did not do so good a job with this get another one.

Michelle - posted on 05/31/2015

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Reading what you have written here you should be getting a divorce, what sort of marriage do you have when he comes and goes as he pleases? What sort of role model are you for your children?
You really should get yourself a lawyer and discuss the options and ramifications with them. I don't know what the laws are regarding relocation and your husband may be allowed to stop you from leaving, even if you get a divorce.

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Elena - posted on 06/02/2015

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Hello,

Yes, I have a great support system with family. They fully understand and have seen what our marriage has come to because of my husbands drug use. We currently have 3 drug addicts in our family who we are trying to help. It destroyed their lives, so now we're helping them pick up the pieces again by coming together as a family. My husband comes from a family of alcoholics and drug use, so in his eyes what he does is not "wrong". I've tried reaching out to his family for help or support for all of us, but they ignore me or blame me.

Grammieann - posted on 06/01/2015

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Hi Elena - I'm so sorry about the tough situation you're in. You're facing some very big decisions right now, and it's obvious that your family's well-being is heavy on your heart.

Do you have support from family and friends? Having a reliable support system is so important at a time like this. Also, have you thought about counseling? It might help, even if your DH isn't willing right now. I wasn't clear from your post, but is he currently in any kind of recovery or treatment?

I don't know if you believe in God, but I believe that He knows and cares about all you are going through - and that He is there to give you the strength and courage you need.

Hugs and prayers,
grammiann
Grammie to 2 precious girls

Ledia - posted on 06/01/2015

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Divorce him and leave.

Seriously, do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't love you? He probably says he loves you, but he doesn't. If he actually loves you, he would never find it so easy to let you walk out of his life just because you want to move and he doesn't. If he loves you, he would be trying to keep you happy, and he obviously isn't.

Furthermore, I would never want someone using illegal drugs to be a large part of my children's daily lives. He's their dad, so he will always be in their lives, but you can minimize the impact he has on them.

Elena - posted on 05/31/2015

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Thank you so much for your input. It honestly does help hearing other people's options other than family members who are biased.

I tried to get a divorce last December, but it got "denied" by a judge because my husbands brother didn't sign for the papers when they were served. My husband wasn't there at the time, so his brother accepted the papers, but refused to sign for them. My lawyer didn't fully explain in the papers what happened, so I got denied. I meet with her on Tuesday to discuss further actions.

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