Beginning to co parent and he is already being stingy with $$.

[deleted account] ( 11 moms have responded )

Ok question! I just found out I am pregnant. Me and the Father are not together anymore. But he still wants to be a part of the childs life. But this is the issue, he wants to help out, but when and HOW he wants to. I am eating voraciously at this point and I know my grocery/ordering bill will get crazy. I asked him for money so I can spend on food(cooking, ordering, etc.). I even said he can set up a baby account that he can put money in and look at the expenses to be sure they are being spent on baby stuff. He replied: I will bring you food and said he would "think about" the baby account. I tried to explain that the baby will not wait until he gets off work to come by. That if I don't eat right away I get dizzy and light headed. He said he will come by more often. That really irritated me because since we are not living together there is no way that he will be with me all day or in the middle of the night when the baby wants food. And money will help supplement his lack of being able to run out and get me food. I just didn't like the tone. I have never extorted him for money or ever tried to "get" money from him. So this was offensive. I told him forget it and I would just take care of it. Overall he is a good guy but it makes me want to immediately put him on child support and ignore him until Im 8 months pregnant. But I don't want to set a harsh tone when we just found out last week! But I don't want to be subjected to his ridiculous behavior or stress out because he is being offensive. Thoughts? Advice?

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Guest - posted on 12/29/2014

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If I were in your shoes, I'd just let him pick up stuff that is actually for the baby--like nursery furniture, outfits, diaper collection, etc, that you need to purchase, but won't use until the baby arrives--and take care of your food expenses yourself. It doesn't really matter who pays for what items as long as all the items get paid for, so if he doesn't want to pay for food, but doesn't mind buying stuff for the baby, just let him do that--it's all the same in the end, ans to me, it isn't worth the battle or the stress of confronting him.

Besides, it is demeaning for a woman to have a man looking over her shoulder or peeking into her bank account to see what she spends her money on. Do you really want him to do that to you? I wouldn't.

Lastly, you should not be eating that much--I'm not saying you are eating irresponsibly, but that something might be wrong with the way your body is processing the food you take in. It is one thing to need to eat all day--that happens to lots of women--but the actual amount of food you need to take in shouldn't increase by more than 25 to 30%. If you are eating 200 to 300% more than you did pre pregnancy, you need to talk to your doctor. This is usually an indication that your body is not absorbing one of the nutrients you need, so it's telling you to eat more and more in hopes that you will get the missing nutrient. The doctor can run some tests to tell you what is missing and either give you a list of foods rich in the missing nutrients or rich in another nutrient that helps aid absorption, or prescribe a vitamin that will balance things out. Excessive eating during pregnancy can lead to some serious problems for you and baby, so please mention this to your doctor at your next visit.

Jodi - posted on 12/29/2014

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LOL, no, I'm not a single mother. I just think you are being far too controlling over the man you chose to be the father of your child.

And you are being unrealistic over what you can get out of him with regard to child support, etc.

Yes I have BEEN a single mother, but I was on a higher income than my ex, so it was irrelevant. I assure you, I have never received child support of any significance from my son's father. And he has been involved as he chooses based on court orders. Time to grow up. I've been running your gauntlet for 16 years. It doesn't work the way you think it will.

[deleted account]

Okay obviously you are a single mother. And actually I eat very healthy. Again, you are making inaccurate assumptions. Sorry this post has you so angry and antagonistic against a fellow mother. Have a nice day.

Jodi - posted on 12/29/2014

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Ok, let me get THIS clear. No-one here is suggesting he shouldn't be helping you. HOWEVER, he is NOT your partner. You are NOT "together". And you can't force him to help!!

You are barely fucking pregnant and are spending hundreds extra on groceries for your baby? What fucking planet are you from? Seriously? You are not spending hundreds in groceries on your unborn baby given you have just found out you are pregnant. What you are doing is adjusting YOUR diet to be better for your baby than the crap diet you were on before you found out you were pregnant. Cooking every day? Wow, welcome to the real world. Most of us do that.

If you are eating 3 x more than before you were pregnant then you weren't eating properly before.

Now, to the law. The law does not require him to be paying for your grocery bill right now. So get over it and move on. If you think you can gain child support retrospectively where you live, then do it, however, I hardly think you'll win on a triple grocery bill while you are pregnant, because that makes you a freak of nature.

And just so you know, I don't think you shouldn't be receiving child support. I just know how the law works and you need a reality check. And your grocery bill BEFORE the baby is born doesn't count (and seriously, get a grip on that grocery bill because there is no WAY you are eating triple. Yes, every pregnancy is different, but honey, yours seems to be of the supernatural....good luck with that when your kid is 15).

[deleted account]

Actually I resent the tons of you ladies. Many assumptions were made. 1. That I don't make my own money or work. 2. That I somehow am trying to extort this man and 3. That I am lying or exaggerating about my appetite. All 3 are false and pretty judgmental when you don't even know me. 1. I work very hard and can do this myself. But I do expect the father of the child to contribute every step of the way if I am also contributing financially. His responsibility doesn't start when the baby comes his responsibility started upon conception. 2. We were together for about a year and I have never financially demanded anything from him. In actuality there were many financial things I did for him simply out of love. 3. I am actually concerned about how much I'm eating because I do not want to get fat. But the hunger is real. I have never had the desire to eat so much in my life. And I'm not going to ignore my hunger that my body is asking for because you guys are assuming it's just my desire to eat cookies at 3am and has nothing to do with the baby. Perhaps when a person posts, you should assume they are 1. Being honest about their situation 2. Are a pretty good person and not automatically assume because they are asking for help with food for the baby they are now in gold digger status 3. Don't make assumptions perhaps just ask more questions if you are unsure of a persons intentions.

[deleted account]

Not only that my appetite has increased tremendously so please don't judge me by your experiences with pregnancy. I am eating 3x more than I do pre pregnancy. I have to keep food near my bed in case I wake up at 5-6am with hunger pangs. I have to eat all day, large meals just to reduce the hunger between meals and snacks have to be on deck. So please do not be judgmental if my pregnancy is not similar to yours.

[deleted account]

Ok let me be clear. I actually make very good money and can do this on my own. But this is also his responsibility as well. So why shouldn't he be helping out with these costs? And why is that a crime? My friends who have partners who live with them or are married, the man feels it is his responsibility to help her out when she has hunger needs to help out with the baby. If I'm carrying the baby, why is it wrong to ask for some help. I have spent 100's on groceries and have been cooking every day this week. I have picked up tons of stuff and have been paying for it all. But. I do work a lot and can't see this continuing without extra stress so if he can help with that why not? I def see my grocery bill doubling, so if this is partly his baby too why do you guys think it's wrong for me that he share this grocery bill that is being caused by the baby? I've asked him several times how he would like to contribute and what does that look like? No answer. Actually child support can be retroactive during maternity as long as it pertains to baby things like what I'm asking for. So it seems the courts agree. I'm not sure why you guys think it's so wrong to ask the father of the child to help out when I'm already carrying the baby and dealing with that, plus the expenses that are beginning to come from that. What's up with that outlook? Are you guys co parenting or single parents? I think it's only fair the father share in all the expenses that are arising from the baby and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that outlook.

Ev - posted on 12/29/2014

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I have to agree with the other ladies on this one. You are making demands that are not his problem as yet. You should place yourself in his shoes and think about how you sound when you talk to him like you have been.

Michelle - posted on 12/29/2014

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You are the only one behaving ridiculously!
You are split up and he doesn't have to support YOU at all, his only obligation is the child. He doesn't have to pay for your food, that's your responsibility. Yes, your appetite does increase slightly in the 1st trimester but not in the amount you are going on about. You should look at eating the right foods (like high GI) so that they last you longer rather than crap that gives you a quick fix and then makes you hungry soon after.
Like Jodi said, you can't "put him on child support" until the baby is born, suck it up and support yourself. You do realize that child support won't be enough to support yourself AND a child so you will still need to work yourself.
Maybe you should think of other options if you are wanting everyone else to support you or find a sugar Daddy.

Jodi - posted on 12/29/2014

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Right now, until the baby arrives, you can't demand he pay for certain things or help out in certain ways. YOU need to stop relying on him for paying for your living expenses right now. However, you sound like you are expecting him to be at your beck and call 24/7. Are you serious? Keep food in your cupboard and then it won't be an issue in the middle of the night. You are making out that your baby will suddenly crave food in the middle of the night and someone needs to get up and deal with that for you. Sorry, honey, but that is NOT the way it works. Your cravings are your cravings, not your baby wanting something. They are hormonal. Your baby will get by just fine without someone going and getting you pickles and ice cream in the middle of the night or at all hours of the day.

Here's the things. You are only JUST pregnant. You have a job, right? Start saving your own money, you are going to need it.

Once the baby is born, you file for child support. You can't file for child support until the child is actually born. Your need to eat is not child support.

And on a side note, it isn't his behaviour that is ridiculous and offensive. You are being totally over the top. Yes, he could be more helpful, but if you are carrying on like you are in this post, I'd be wanting to keep my distance too.

Finally, if he wants to be part of his child's life, you don't get to dictate what that looks like. If he takes you to court, you will have no say in it.

[deleted account]

Should I just go it alone until the baby arrives and avoid the confrontation? I just want a peaceful pregnancy that is not full of drama or ridiculousness. And if that means paying for stuff myself until the baby comes, so be it.

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