Behavior Issues

User - posted on 12/28/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )




Hello everyone, I am new here and hope that there is some help out there or some advise to get me through this. I have an 11 year old step-daughter that acts out and yells, breaks things, tells me that she hates me , her biological mom has nothing to do with her so I am the only mother figure she has and have been there through everything with and for her. I have her in counciling, she sees 2 councelors. She was even hospitalized due to threatening to hurt herself. I believe she has aspergers and adhd. I have never had a child try my patients like she does. I just feel like I am at my witts end. There are 2 other young children in the house that have to listen to her throw her fits and scream and holler and it just isn't fair to the rest of the family because she will tell you that to make her stop all you have to do is let her out of her room or not punish her. Any advise would be much appreciated. I am sure that I am not the only mom out there going through this but I sure do feel all alone somethimes.


SueEllen - posted on 12/28/2010




My 17 yr old foster child does the same thing I think it's attention seeking behavior she wants a response if she can't have praise she seeks negativity. I created a level system and a reward system that has helped stabalize my child my expectations are clear and so are her rewards and it eliminates "room time" be creative put her on a schedule homework 30 minutes, use of iPod 30 minutes, television 30 minutes everyday if she doesn't follow threw eliminate iPod if she continues to not follow threw elimate television. I find isolation does not work short time outs in a naughty chair does work they calm down and u can process the behavior afterward. Elimation of positive reinforces doesn't give the message that she is "bad" but that she can do better


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Rebekah - posted on 12/28/2010




It may help if all of you participate in counseling, not just your stepdaughter. Do the counselors do any family therapy with you, or visit you in the home to see how the dynamics are? If not, it may be a helpful approach to help all of you function better, and give you a sense of support and some resources.

Ditto the question on clarifying her diagnosis, and if any meds were suggested for her. Keep communication going with the counselors/doctors she has to let them know that things are not entirely stable at home and she still is struggling with her emotions. Maybe they could help you set up a reward system like SueEllen suggested. She needs clear expectations and boundaries and consistent consequences. It does sound like she is trying to manipulate you by saying "I'll stop if you don't punish me," but you obviously can't give in to that. (makes me think of a toddler tantrum) Hopefully if you are consistent and don't give in to that, she will realize the screaming is getting her nowhere. Be sure you and your husband are on the same page with discipline. That being said, it sounds like her emotions are pretty intense, so perhaps she could use more intensive counseling help right now. Are they working on anger issues with her? Let her know what's ok and not ok when it comes to expressing anger. I suspect you get the brunt of her anger because you are the mom that is there and she may have feelings about being rejected by her bio mom (to whom she can't express her anger). Hard position to be in, for sure.

Another thought I have is 123 Magic (Thomas Phelan) would be a tool to use prior to her ending up in her room or getting punishment. Its giving her a warning that she needs to stop an unwanted behavior or a consequence will follow. Maybe that kind of cueing will help her regain control and make a better choice before she ends up in punishment (which can be helpful for ADHD/impulsive kids). Just some thoughts. Really use those counselors, though...they are there for you too, not just her.

And you are definitely not alone! There are likely support groups out there that you can access if you need to. Sounds very stressful...hang in there!

Barbara - posted on 12/28/2010




Has she been tested? If so, does she take medication?

My son had ADHD as well. He yelled and screamed at us too. What we did was just ignore his attitude and it changed with time.
Hopefully, this will help you.

Michelle - posted on 12/28/2010




If you believe she has Aspergers has she been tested as if she does have it you can then seek out help with therapy and other services to help both her and your family cope.

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