Megan - posted on 04/20/2015 ( 12 moms have responded )
There's a lot going on in my world. My fiancé has 6 kids. Two are living with us who both have some issues going I with them. He barely gets to see his other kids cause they live 3k apart. My fiancé & his son have add & ADHD. The daughter has a lot of health issues as well. I have health issues with MS.
It was fine at the beginning, but it seems my fiancé, ever since the two kids came to live here with us, don't have the same views on respect for feelings, things in the house and they are 14 boy & almost 16 yr old girl.
I have had a lot of fights with the boy about chores and the way he speaks to me. The fights consisted of me asking nicely 3-5 times for him to do something and he disobeys & raises his voice at me (which he says that's part of who he is & his ADHD). I have only been Nast back at him cause he's nasty with me first. I'm that way with anyone anymore. If you're rude to me I'll be rude right back!!! So the boy and I have had 4 major fights. Once I slapped his chin very lightly for him to shut up. Another time I pulled his ear to shut up. And twice I grabbed his shirt so he would stay, listen to me and talk to me in the appropriate manner. The rest are minor yelling spats.
About 3 weeks ago though, the boy left his shoes out in the middle of the walk through to get to the garage and I tripped and fell REALLY bad. My knees still kinda hurt. Anyway, after laying there trying to feel better I get up, go back to living room where we still had company over. I told my fiancé that his boy left his shoes out and I tripped and fell. Which wasn't the first time either. Fiancé gets all steamed up at that I said he needs to control his kid and I'm not having them disobey my rules in our house. So I lightly put my hand on my fiancé's head to calm him down and he forcefully grabs my hand & throws it away. My friends leave and after that my fiancé pushed me. Then trying to get my balance, we were drinking, but I was not drunk, and I couldn't feel my legs for a few minutes and my fiancé said I was crazy and I'm crying cause I seriously couldn't feel my legs. My fiancé was drunk. When I was finally able to get up I pushed him back and he lunged at me grabbing my neck. Not putting pressure on my neck but that was scary. He then told me to get out and a long laundry list of evil things to me that I would never be a good mom, and I shouldn't have kids period.
So I wrote him a note right after the fight, & I took a picture of my hand all red & puffy. He slept on the couch and I in bed but I couldn't sleep. When I finally did I think I got an hour and a half that day. Then later he read the note, crumpled it up and told me to get out. But he stuck around and we talked about everything so far. But I still seem to not be heard by him and he just treats me like one of his kids.
Easter weekend was another huge fight with the boy.
I suggested counseling and so far we've only gone 3 times. 2 weeks ago he decide to postpone our wedding cause he said he doesn't trust me with the kids. But the boy still has no respect for his own actions that hurt me. And my fiancé doesn't think that his kid is a manipulative little brat who gets his way ALL the time!
I have no say and I feel invisible and a live in babysitter and not an adult or equal to my fiancé.
So, I've consulted all my friends, my parents, although they don't know about the choking part. I've never been physically abused, only mentally & emotionally abused.
Ever since the kids moved in, I don't have an opinion, I don't have any say anymore of what happens in our house. I pay for part of the mortgage I buy food on our joint account and my own money so that we have a good variety of things, snacks and whatever we all like stocked up. I buy the kids things I see that would look good in their rooms, clothes, games etc.
I have been carrying this burden so long of feeling lost and my fiancé doesn't compliment me much anymore or notice the things I do around the house. Or appreciate my efforts.
My fiancé though had been supportive of my bills for medical and he helps me with that. I'm in the process of getting new teeth. But I still feel he doesn't get my ms pain and I keep putting off my health to go see my chiropractor. My fiancé doesn't believe in them. But I do get a massage twice a week for my pain management, which still isn't enough to take away enough to make me feel normal. I don't know what normal feels like anymore.
We have a new chore chart implemented and so far it's going great. But today the boy left his shoes out and I almost fell AGAIN!!! I went in to confront him and I was angry cause I needed to get to work. So I told him by in rage that ever since you left your shoes out THAT night that's what started us having this huge fight. I apologized and also brought up the fact that he needs to respect my rules and wishes in this house.
I've read books, blogs, articles all on step kids, how to handle them and all my fiancé seems to be doing is being his kids friend instead of their father and not teaching respect the way it's supposed to be taught.
I don't know what to do cause I truly love this man and all his kids. Most of our wedding is planned, except we had to text, email, call people who we already invited that we postponed till further notice. I wear this engagement ring and think to myself; "what does this circle represent? It means everlasting love!" And then I cry...