being a step mum

Alicia - posted on 12/31/2013 ( 50 moms have responded )

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hi i'm a step mum lately my step daughter age(3) has been playing up acting out , last night she had a brake down said that her mother doesnt want her talking to me or being my friend i hate seeing my step daughter like this her mother wont talk to me she does hate me. I hate the situation i'm thinking of walking away from my relationship because it just so hard on my step daughter and partner please help i need advice

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LalaBoom - posted on 01/02/2014

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I'm a stepmom to two girls so I **know** the heart-breaking feeling.

You step-daughter's actions are normal.... conflict of loyalty and trying to please mommy/daddy are a very heavy burden parents sometimes put on their children (oftentimes without realizing it, too).

Literally one day out of the blue, my stepdaughter asked me, "Izzy do u love me?" and of course I responsed, "yes." To be honest, I didn't feel it at the time, but my stepdaughters have never known otherwise. She then asked, "do you love me everyday?" and I said, "yes baby, I love u today, yesterday, tomorrow, the day after." She then said, "okay, okay, but mami said I cant say I love u to you okay." On the inside, I was angry, hurt, seething, and plain pissed. My thoughts were, what is her fckng point in not allowing her daughter to be "okay" with having a relationship with me. I was irate. Still, I responded with a simple wink and an "okay, it will be our little secret." She gave me the biggest smile, a hug, and continued playing.

Since that day, my stepdaughter tells me "I love u" (without me EVER asking/pushing her to do so) and will do so repeatedly during the visits.

My point is: This stuff "comes with the territory." Your stepdaughter might think the world of you, but you need to understand she also has a duty to protect her relationship with her mother at all costs- and that includes sacrificing you for her mother's approval. If you show her you **honestly** "get it" and that its "okay" for her to have these feelings because you understand why they are there in the first place, your stepdaughter will value your relationship even more, and respect you in ways that are truly amazing.

Good luck hun!

Dee Dee - posted on 01/07/2014

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Hunni u seem to be doing the right thing, if anything when ur step daughter does have her moments just leave her but leave on a note where u just say " it's ok I understand but know I am always here to be ur friend" then leave her, and she will see that no matter what when she does have her moment she will know u are still her friend xx

Colleen Van Der - posted on 01/04/2014

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Hi, im going through almost the exact same thing. My step daughter is 4, shes really being acting out and we have no idea why. Her mother doesnt like me either we only tolerate each other for her sake. A couple of weeks ago she came to us and as soon as I was a bit strict with her she told me that if im nasty with her, her mother would smack me and no 4 year old comes up with that all on thier own. Best thing I've noticed is trying to spend quality time with her, yesterday we got the chance to and it went really well.spent the day doing things she likes playing with dolls, painting and we for a walk. Its a small step but already there was a difference, I think it was because she now more or less knowns that I want to spend time with her and I don't do it because I have to but because I want to. Hope this helps

Rose - posted on 01/02/2014

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I know what you're going through and 6years is a long time, so leaving after that long and still loving him will def be hard but if you decide to stay and you end up having children and nothing has changed but become worse it will be harder for you to leave mainly because of your children . Trust me , I'm miserable every day of my life. My kids are the only ones that make me happy now and keep my mind of all of my problems.

Ev - posted on 01/01/2014

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Also this is confusing to a child of this age to have mom in one place and dad in another with some other woman at his side. She is not old enough to understand what is going on with the adults and no amount of talking is going to get her to understand things. She is most likely acting out because she does not have the language skills she needs to communicate how she feels about something and she could also only be repeating what mom says. And the other person is right, you are the girlfriend not the wife. Its a big difference in this because even as a step mom there is only so much you could do about this issues.

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Alicia - posted on 01/07/2014

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Baby steps I say ... when partners daughter was being nasty I knew it was her mother so I tried not to take it out on her as it wasn't fair but to certain point I with Draw myself I didn't mean to just happened but we seem to be good ATM :-)

Dee Dee - posted on 01/07/2014

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Ur welcome hunni x

It's nice to hear ur step daughter is happy and is ur friend again now, it's sad to hear the mother is acting as she is when the fact is her child seems to have gained a good step parent where some step parents are horrid and push the step child away, but no doubt in time the mother will have a problem with her child when the child recognises for herself u arent a bad person, children are a lot smarter than what most adults realise but happy to hear things are working out for you xx

Alicia - posted on 01/07/2014

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Thanks dee dee I hear what your saying the child should not be involved at all that's what made it all so hard I've tried to talk to her she's made it very clear she's not willing to talk so I've just tried to keep low and not upset her on a good note my partner spoke to the mother and my partners daughter has come home wanting to be my best friend we played all day today :-)

Dee Dee - posted on 01/07/2014

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Hi
I'm sorry I am not a step mother but I read ur post and couldn't just ignore it,

I personally think ur step daughters mother still has a few problems with ur partner moving on, as I believe this is way she is saying what she is saying to you step daughter, in my eyes what ur step daughters mother is doing is very wrong because the child in question should not be involved in this, the mother has issues with the father and the child should not be getting caught up in this adult mess, have u tired speaking to the mother? Is she a woman you could be friends with? As maybe if u 2 could build a friendship maybe she would ease of her daughter with the mess she is talking to her, maturity is the word that needs to be had here and it does sound like the mother is acting very mature, I can understand the mother is hurting as no woman wants to lose the father of there children/child but sadly it happens for whatever reason, the worse thing after a break up where children are involved is expecting changes need to be had to start building a life as a single mother, maybe she doesn't have anyone to talk too, maybe she is struggling but yet doesn't want to admit it, maybe she doesn't want to except her ex has moved on, maybe she thinks u and her ex are gonna try and take away her daughter from her and she is scared and maybe that's way she is acting up, if she and ur partner fight obviously it will keep her on edge, maybe a few calm sincere words from u may just help the situation, maybe write her a letter explaining ur not there to cause a problem me how ur not trying to replace her as a mother but only trying to be ur daughters friend, maybe u could offer to meet up with her for a chat at a coffee shop, and offer her ur time as a friend. I can understand its hard at times being a step parent as some how u end up getting dragged into an argument but its obviously one of those joys when u have a partner with children from a past relationship, but I would strong suggest u try and be somewhat of a friend to the mother as it may just be that much easier in the future, I think a lot of step parents make the mistake of siding with there partner when arguments are being had and when anger is had it blinds u, but step parents don't take a step back and think "wait hold on is this how he will treat me if I had his child and what if we spilt" (not saying u are doing this but just saying for example) but basically I'm saying parents and step parents seem to fight instead of looking at the picture as a whole and for actually what the situation is, maybe if u stand up for the mother and support her maybe she wouldn't feel like ur both against her,

I hope this helps
Good luck
Xx

Mardi - posted on 01/04/2014

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Ok, I only read the last page, but did I miss something......

You have been with your man for 6yrs, and he has a 3yr old daughter???

Alicia - posted on 01/04/2014

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rose and colleen i agree with you both 100% i guess i may of offened the other mothers that commented on my post clamming to be a step mom/mum

Rose - posted on 01/04/2014

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Alicia that's not entirely true, i think you become a step mom when you commit to your partner, a piece a paper does not mean anything. Dating and having a committed relationship like you do is two different things, specially if you are living together.

Colleen Van Der - posted on 01/04/2014

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Well the moment I decide to stay in my partner and his daughters life he said I was her step mom. As soon as you are in a childs life you become a role model for them learnt that in my relationship with my partner and as a teacher.

Alicia - posted on 01/04/2014

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According to some of these ladies on this site we are not step mom/mum until we have that marriage certificate regardless of how many years we been around

Colleen Van Der - posted on 01/04/2014

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I know its hard, but you have to try and find something that works for the both of you. My step daughter and I both love painting and we just use to sit and paint and not say a word to each other and somehow we bonded but we do get days were we don't get along like today for example. Most important thing is you and your parter have to work together

Alicia - posted on 01/04/2014

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colleen i try quality time i push her on the swing i have tea parties take her to the park play, play dough i let her play my ipad i even played hair dresses but has all come to a complete stop she doesn't want be my best friend anymore and she used to say i love you now its i hate you screamed at top of her lungs :(

Krystal - posted on 01/03/2014

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i have a step daughter shes 13 and her mother tells her not to talk to me or anything of that sort so its not easy i have learned that if u just go very slow they will come around and their own time cause now after 7 months she is starting to talk to me and see that her mom was wrong and im not a bad person and its not my fault that here mom n dad separated like her mother was telling her its a very difficult thing to get used to.

Alicia - posted on 01/02/2014

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wow your situation sounds quiet similar and counseling sound good except my partner thinks that is to touchy feelie for him i have suggested him and her mother try mediation but i get shrugged off....

Alicia - posted on 01/02/2014

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there will be no more children partner doesn't want anymore and i have pcos so that wont be a future problem... but yes i have some things to seriously think about ...

Alicia - posted on 01/02/2014

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Leela sounds like you have been in a similar situation partners child calls me by my first name I just try to make an effort to be a friend with out pushing I just draw the line at been screamed at and her being disrespectful I don't take it from my own son I don't tell her off or discipline her I leave that for her father I just walk away as I know she's acting out because of what her mums putting in her head I'm thinking the child needs counseling

Leela - posted on 01/02/2014

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Alicia I forgot to write the most important part of my post. I was the gf. The daughter was 5. We were together 3 years and the only father my son knew for the first two years of his life. Mom was a nightmare. I'm talking midnight calls, constant requests for money, anything to get attention. The daughter was beautiful but that poor child was caught in the middle. I decided to be 'aunty' and abide by her rules. Now don't get me wrong, we didn't do everything she asked. I decided to be super nice to daughter and let her decide on how our relationship should be. I made sure she knew I wasn't competing with her for daddy (gave them alone time) and refused to let mom bother me. The daughter gradually became much better, and I mean gradually, but this would not have been possible without her dad doing his part. Looking back I think I must have been crazy! That relationship ended because of many reasons, one of which was the realisation that he didnt know how to be a father. I know it's hard to walk away, almost destroyed me when I did, but think of another 10 years of feeling like this. You should consider going for counseling and if possible carry your bf with you.

Alicia - posted on 01/02/2014

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That such bad Christmas is tough time of year sounds like step daughter is coping everything off her darling mother ..
I know I don't have any children to my partner but my son see him as his dad his been there since he was 12 months and it's hard to walk away from 6 years :-(

Rose - posted on 01/02/2014

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exactly ! the worst part about all of this is that we were not able to buy our 2 children anything for christmas this year because we were so broke . And then when my step child came to our house for the weekend , I ask what she got from santa " her mother " , and she said she got a tablet ( $199) . Now this is considering the fact that her mother told my husband a couple of weeks ago that its not fair for their daughter , him taking her to court for reducing child support which is $ 670 a month and its not her problem that he has 2 other children to care for. She also claims that the money that she gets from him is not enough and that some times she doesnt have money to eat.

Alicia - posted on 01/02/2014

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I know the resentment feeling and I also feel sorry for my partner to we have been together for 6 years and there's been lots of ups and downs but this takes the cake .

Rose - posted on 01/02/2014

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my step daughter will be 9 soon and me and her dad have been together for almost 4 years, but recently got married not even a month ago. because of all of our issues I have some major resentment against him but i also feel bad for him at the same time.

Alicia - posted on 01/02/2014

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Wow sound pretty grim how old is your step daughter and how long have you been with your hubby

Rose - posted on 01/02/2014

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that may be the reason ? . Idk what her mother tell her about me , but I can tell you that I'm extremely unhappy right now. Your right the marriage certificate didnt do any better for me, I honestly did it because of our 2 kids. I put my first child through a divorce and I dont ever want to do put my other 2 through that. My husband is a great father to our kids and his daughter takes advantage of him at times. I think that if I would of ended the relationship along time ago I would of def been hurt at the time and maybe for a long time because I truly love this man , but I've would of learned how to just simply move on. If you think its bad right now with your step child and the mother just wait until you feel there's more commitment between you and him.

Alicia - posted on 01/02/2014

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That's no good rose sounds really bad I'm guessing reason for your step daughters attitude is she's being loyal to her bio mum is this correct I guess that marriage certificate did no good for you just as easy as being the girlfriend

Alicia - posted on 01/02/2014

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Caitlyn I'm also new I have no idea how to add people feel free to add me :-)

Rose - posted on 01/02/2014

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Because I'm going through this right now I'm telling you that the best thing you can do is walk away from the relationship, specially if youre only a GF and don't have any children with him. I'm a step mom to an 8 year old and I can tell you its been a living hell for a long time. I have a 6 year old from my previous marries and I have 2 other children from my current husband which is her dad. We recently got married ( not even a month ago ) because I'm truly in love with this man and we have 2 small children together, I really want to work it out for our children. My step daughter gives me attitude and she doesn't act her age , my 6 year old is more mature than her . On top of that she's a " daddy's girl " which I cant even stand, We are having some major financial issues because my husband pays $ 670.00 of child support for one child which is outrages in the state we live in currently, her mother is so inconsiderate of our situation . I was out on maternity leave because I just had my daughter so you can imagine what our finances are like right now. I am beyond stresses , I've been crying everyday since I gave birth to my daughter which is going to be 2 months in a couple of day. Trust me when I say " Get out of this relationship " before its too late and you have to deal with other things like I am if the mother is a witch.

Leela - posted on 01/02/2014

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I read something you wrote that was very interesting ie she was conceived during a break the two of you had. Take a second and think about the bio mom. That doesn't sound like an easy situation - pregnant with a man's child who then leaves you to go back to his ex. Of course she's going to have negative feelings about you. She probably blames you for the situation. This certainly isn't the standard bio versus step mom issue and unfortunately the only thing that tends to heal the hurt is time. As for your bf, he's a the common denominator. You can hate bio mom as much as you want and vice versa but he's the only one who can try and fix this issue. As for your 'stepdaughter', my heart goes out to her. This is such a messed up situation. At this point unfortunately you are not the wife and thus I think calling her your stepdaughter or asking her mom to be more supportive is premature. I noticed as well that you wrote that you're thinking of walking away because its hard on the child and your partner. It sounds more like you're thinking of walking away because of how complicated and hard it is for you. And that's fine, you choose the life you want to live. If it includes your bf though it sounds like you need to have a no holds barred conversation with him about your relationship.

Caitlyn - posted on 01/02/2014

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Alicia I'd be curious to hear more about this, I'm new here so if there is a private message option, you can message me.

Alicia - posted on 01/02/2014

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its crappy situation i'm powerless as i am just the girlfriend i guess i better learn to keep my emotions in check and hope my boyfriends daughter pulls though thanks ladies for your advice :-)

Ev - posted on 01/02/2014

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The point is though that her father is the one that is going to have to do something about it. And there is nothing you can do but support him in the actions he wishes to take if its for the benefit of the child. People who have children together a lot of times end up in one of them using the child to hold over things on the other parent and in some cases both parents use the kids to get what they want. Its sad to see that and being the girlfriend or boyfriend not being able to do a whole lot is even harder.

Alicia - posted on 01/02/2014

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yea the laws are a little different here in Australia and like i said i also have a child and my boyfriend is the only father his really known i love him but the point im getting at is i hate seeing his daughter torn and manipulated by her own mother

Amy - posted on 01/02/2014

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So if your boyfriend thinks she's filling the little girls head with stuff against him he should talk to an attorney to see if he has a case against her mom for parental alienation. He can then petition the courts and try to get primary custody of his daughter. And if your boyfriend is concerned about the mental well being of his daughter he should get her into counseling.

Being a step parent is difficult and if you are having such a hard time being the girlfriend you should really consider if staying with this man is the best choice. Because from the sounds of it the mother is extremely difficult and that is unlikely to change so if long term you aren't going to be able to deal then you should probably end the relationship now before the 3 year old gets any more attached to you.

Alicia - posted on 01/01/2014

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I also have a child of my own age 7which my partner isn't the father too but he is the father his only ever really known so I understand dynamics of the blended family ....another thing happened this morning while my partners daughter was Sitting on the toilet she's says daddy mummy said your trying to steal me away from her and she's not going to let that happen .. I feel really bad for this child as her mother is so insecure that she's stuff with her 3 year olds head

Ev - posted on 01/01/2014

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Then I do not know what to tell you. But getting into relationships with others who have kids is going to be hard and its never easy blending in new adults to a child's life. My kids have had two step moms so far. The current one has been around for 8 years, but this woman never really took the time to get to know my kids and they are at their dad's because of our custody agreement most of the time. A choice I agreed to because of a long list of circumstances. Be that as it is, the first step mom did not treat my kids well either. And the current one tries to tell me and their dad how to do our visitation roster and its none of her business unless it has something to do with their family plans. I think she would rather my son not be there now (oldest is out of house now) or at all because she has made remarks about him in the negative. Its not easy being in a blended family or situation.

Alicia - posted on 01/01/2014

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I don't get involved with there parenting if my partner asks for my advice I give him my opinion but it's between the two of us .

Ev - posted on 01/01/2014

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You do not have to take her negativity, no. But at the same time, there is not much say that you have in what goes on with the child. Its up to her father to get her mother to stop doing this.

Alicia - posted on 01/01/2014

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Ok so because I'm not married to the man I'm nothing to this child and basically I've got to take whatever her mum throws my way have I summed this up ladies ?

Amy - posted on 01/01/2014

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Well a few things she's your boyfriends daughter, she's not a step daughter yet. If you were married, you husband could probably petition the courts for primary custody for parental alienation but I'm sure that won't apply to a girlfriend. Personally I would get the 3 year old into counseling when she's with you so that she understands that her mom may be upset but it's ok to like you. If you plan on walking away do it sooner rather than later it's not fair to the 3 year old who is probably attached to you at this point.

Alicia - posted on 01/01/2014

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we are not married we have been together for last 6 year we briefly separated which is when my step daughter was conceived he was there when she had the break down he has no idea what to do as her biological mother is very hard to get along with he wants to avoid confrontation for step daughters sake..

Amy - posted on 01/01/2014

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Are you married to this man? If so was it easy before the marriage? Have you talked to your husband/boyfriend about what your step daughter said? What does he think should happen?

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