Being a young grandmother is sooooooo stressful!!!!!!!!!!

Latonia - posted on 06/24/2010 ( 29 moms have responded )

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I am 35 and yes I had my daughter at the age of 17. Seems that times have repeated themselves for my daughter is also a young mother. But the Ironic thing is she is refusing to be a mother. She has made it clear that she does not want to be a mother; and so I shoulder the responsibility. Oh, how I want to start working on me

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Jodi - posted on 07/02/2010

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Nicole, instead of getting angry at those who stereotype, why not get angry at those who create the stereotype? If such a large number of teen mothers weren't irresponsible, this wouldn't be a stereotype. It is self-perpetuating.



If you don't fit the stereotype, then you have nothing to be concerned about. None of these comments are directed at you, so stop taking it personally. Stereotyping is a fact of life. We stereotype teenage behaviour, we stereotype toddler behaviour, we stereotype computer geeks, it is how we, as humans, manage information. HOWEVER, it doesn't mean that every individual isn't different



I absolutely stand by my view that 17 is too young to have children. But it happens, so we just have to do the best we can when it does. And there are many great teen mothers out there and many more who are just outright irresponsible. The OP's daughter does not happen to be one of the responsible ones, and so, perpetuates the stereotype.

Kerri - posted on 06/26/2010

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Sorry but I had my first a week after my 17th birthday and second when I was 19 and to be honest one of the ladies, sharon, seems to come across as extremely narrow minded, maybe she 'shouldn't' be having babies but that is the situation so maybe instead of sounding obtuse about the situation and to be frank hurtful some more positive critisism might be of help?

From the other side of the coin I can offer you my opinion. When I found out I was pregnant I was worried, scared and nervous I thought my mum would go crazy and my dad wouldn't want a relationship with me anymore. I was wrong they were very supportive, my mother was a godsend, I talked to her whenever I wanted and she was present at the birth along with my sons father. I bonded very quickly with my son and enjoyed being a mother. I was however very young and missed not being able to do everything my friends did. When my mum noticed I needed a bit of me time she would take care of him so I could go out with my friends and just me not mummy which I think most parents do. I did get to the point where I was suffering from pnd due to a multitude of reasons and at times had feelings that I wish I didn't have that responsibility. Having attended training with older mothers as I help families who are struggling to cope with babies/children. I know for a fact it does not matter what age you are when you suffer from pnd or maybe have not bonded easily a lot of mothers regardless of their background can feel this way. So please do not just assume this is because she is young.

My mothers help and time got me through this period. My son was a year old when I began to feel like I had really recovered from my pnd and have never experienced those feelings again and thankfully have not experienced it after the birth of my second child.

I have not gone out to any clubs/pubs in a year and half and my time is utterly devoted to my children. I am also beginning my training as a midwife this september.

What I found usefull when I had similar feelings to your daughter what really helped me was having a 'break' I know it is not your role to become mother and you will need to begin to distant yourself from this after a while but just having a couple of hours to do what she want maybe twice a week or one night a week whatever is comfortable with you might help bring her through this until she feels 'right' again. I would advise you to get your daughter to talk to her health visitor about her feelings. Just give her some time not all mothers feel like mums when they have their babies. Get her to take the responsibility of motherhood because that's a role which she now has to fulfill, but reassure her she is not alone and you are their for support and a listening ear.

You obviously know what it feels like and may have taken to being a mum better, so this is just from my perspective.

[deleted account]

Sounds like it's time for some tough love. That is her baby and her responsibility. She can either start taking care of him/her or put the baby up for adoption.... which YOU could adopt if you so desire.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/11/2014

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@ Linda Lou...

You're griping about being full time child care and how old and unable you are to care for this child...I have one word: repeat after me: NO

Learn to use it with your own child, and perhaps you wouldn't be bitter that you're full time caregiver for your grandchild.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/11/2014

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Well, then apply for custody, get her on the hook for support, or have her relinquish rights, and raise the child!

Alternatively, she can still give the child up for adoption, or surrender it to the authorities.

Linda Lou - posted on 06/11/2014

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Try being a first-time grandmother at age 64, with a married 34 year-old daughter who had to return to her job when my grandchild was 3 months old. Guess who is now the full-time child care provider - 12 hours a day, 4 days a week, starting at 6 am? I am really too old to be doing this - I will be on life-support by the time this baby is in middle school - IF I'M LUCKY TO LIVE THAT LONG! :-)

I often say now that I should have had my daughter at age 16 and encouraged her to have hers at the same age so that I would have been young enough to handle this added stress. However, I'm only kidding (well, MOSTLY kidding) because I would not have been mature enough to raise a child in my teens - that's why I waited until I was 30, married and financially stable. My daughter, doing what most children do, followed her mother's lead and had her first child when she was 34, married and financially stable. Fortunately or unfortunately, whatever the case may be, history tends to repeat itself. Also the grass always looks greener, etc., etc. etc. Your daughter is doing what she was TAUGHT to do by you. This issue is less about maturity than it is about responsibility and core character values. At 17, no matter how mature you thought you may have been, it was not a good choice to have a child so young. Much less to have a second one just 3 years later. You didn't say whether you completed high school and got a least one college degree, although in the past 25 years, it is hard to find work with anything less than a Masters degree or doctorate in a very specific field. Even then, homes with two working parents are struggling to make it in this economically savaged world. I was widowed when my two were 14 and 17 and I can tell you it was very, very hard for me to continue to support them alone in the way they had been when I was married in a 2-income household.

Were you married with your daughter was born? Did either of you have an established career? Did you provide a stable home life for your daughter so that she would then learn how to make good life choices in education, career, relationships, and parenting? If not, then you've answered your own question. You SHOULD shoulder the responsibility of raising your grandchild. Instead of trying to make your daughter become something she is not and has no interest in being, how about using this as a second chance to raise a healthy, well-adapted child who feels loved, cherished, supported and protected. My own daughter is the same age as you are and she just had her first baby. Many young women are becoming mothers for the first time in their mid to late 30s. Join the movement! SHOW your daughter in real time how to be a good mother. Ensure that she doesn't have another child before she is emotionally and financially ready.

No disrespect intended, but I am REALLY trying to understand what it is you are complaining about. You are calling her father and your ex "partner" for help on something that is your own problem. She is YOUR daughter and the baby is YOUR grandchild! What is so stressful about that? YOU also laid down, as you put it, and made your daughter. Is SHE the one at fault here? I fail to see how. If you parented as ineffectually as you grandparent, it is no wonder that your daughter is the way she is. You two sound as if you are twins with the same character flaws - she doesn't want to be a mother and you don't want to be a grandmother. All of this could have been prevented about 9-1/2 months BEFORE your daughter was born by your not having unprotected teenaged sex. But since you did, man up and care for the product of YOUR poor choices.

And stop trying to rationalize handing your grandson over to his grandfather. So he can know this DOZENS OF COUSINS in another state? How about knowing his GRANDMOTHER and keeping him as near to his mother as possible so that she will hopefully have a change of heart and step up. In the meantime she would be getting the first-hand benefit of seeing how a mother is supposed to act. You DID do to that baby what his mother did to him - you abandoned him. You should feel guilty because you are! You had the chance to end the cycle that you began but passed it off to someone else. Really?

I'm 30 years older than you are, disabled after 6 lumbar surgeries and two knee replacements. I am also suffering from systemic lupus and all of the secondary medical problems that it causes including severe chronic pain syndrome, but I'm taking care of my grandson 48 hours a week. My daughter is an outstanding mother and her husband (who grew up without his father in his life and a mother who married about 4 times) is being the father that he had never had, i.e., trying not to make the same mistakes towards his son that he experienced. Both of my grandson's parents have college degrees and my SIL works 2 jobs so that his family can live reasonably well. He is a hands-on father who changes diapers, feeds, and bathes his son every night. My daughter is a police officer but is "riding a desk" for a year, making less money than she would being on the streets with a 9mm strapped on, so that she can pump since she's breastfeeding her baby, now 3 months old (breastfeeding police officers cannot take their required firearms qualification because there's too much lead in the air on the gun range - plus who can pump wearing a Kevflar bulletproof vest in the middle of an active crime scene, so they must be assigned to light-duty until the nursing child is a year old).

We all make mistakes, no one's life is blameless. But the key is to make right whatever we can when the opportunity presents itself. What the hell do you have to be stressed about? Except the continued poor choices you keep making. If I wasn't 4 years behind on seeing this post, I would urge you to GO GET YOUR GRANDSON back and raise him like you're supposed to do. Now I can only pray that his grandfather has done right by the child and that the baby is emotionally stable after being abandoned by both his mother and his grandmother.

Latonia - posted on 07/10/2010

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Well, I did not know that this would be such a hot topic. But an update: there has been no improvement on the status of my daughter. I informed that she will be doing her job as a mother; that I was done being her doormat and I need to get me back in order. Well she was none to happy about that. I informed her that I will not continue to let you walk all over me and it is time for you to take care of your son. You laid and made than step up. She threaten to leave him at daycare if I did not take him. That she did not have time for this. So I told her that I would call the cops if she even went that far. She has even went as far as to say that what I did to HER not my grandson, but to her was unfair and childish; and to make matters worse my so called partner(which he is no longer) went as far as to say that I am at fault for wanting my life back; he was unsupportive when I took him and unsupportive of giving him back to his mother. Well, ladies I am emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and financially drained. I called her father in NY and explained the situation that his daughter is putting me through. Well he is going to take my gson for the next 3-6 months. So that I can get back into a peaceful state of mind again. Please do not for one second think that I am doing to him what my daughter has done to me. But she has me so mentally twisted that my world has come crashing down on me. I do not want to end up in nobody's psych ward. It is a shame that I let her get me to this point. But I realized that I have become her enabler and I must make the best for my baby oops I my gson. =) I took him down to his grandfather today 7/10 and it broke my heart bcuz there is a bit of guilt as if I am doing to him what his mother is doing to him, but I know that I have no reason to feel guilty at all I dont have to worry about my baby Plus my baby will get to know the dozens of cousins that he has in NY. Once again to all the Ladies on this board Thank you and stay blessed--Tee

Dawn - posted on 07/05/2010

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Latonia,
I had my daughter at 17 and son at 20, age is not the issue, maturity is. I have seen parents in there 30's who have little interest in their children especially when they are sick. You have been a great support and if your daughter can't step up start terminating her parental rights. I know this sounds harsh but in the many years as a daycare provider/preschool teacher I have seen more kids with issues because mommy and/or daddy pops in and out of their lives when it is convenient. Let your daughter know that you won't tollerate it. Trust me tough love is one of the hardest thing parents have to do. My prayers are with you.

Michelle - posted on 07/04/2010

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Girl I feel you My daughter had her baby this november and she is accepting her responbility but sometimes she forgets that she is a mother and I often have change my plans.

This is what I do. I remind her if she goes anywhere she has to take her baby. I just put my foot down and that is it I am trying to do me and that is what I am going to do. Try that if that does not work and you get stuck with her baby then go through the measures of taking the baby from her.

Sherri - posted on 07/03/2010

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Well the saving grace here is that Grandma is still very young and will be able to raise this baby with little effort. I had my youngest at 34 and I am able to keep up quite well. Good Luck he is lucky to have you.

Nicole - posted on 07/03/2010

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im sorry but the comment shes 17 she shouldnt be a mother pretty much is sterotyping young mothers,and to asume the daughter is only thinking about is the next party to go to is very sad she may have other reasons for not wanting to step up to the plate im deffinatly making excuses for her she had the baby she should look after it,and deff agree with what you say about the tough love you cannot make someone be a mum

Betty - posted on 07/03/2010

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Nicole, yes any parent can be bad..your takin this conversation to a whole different level.. this women teen daughter left her child with her mom to raise... no one is sterotyping all teen mothers.. it is alot of work to raise a child for any age. there is many grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren instead of just being grandma to enjoy them. how many teen mothers do you know who have supported their child, go to school, get a job, with out help from their parents?.. not to many i sure.. parents of teen mom help them yes.. but it is hard for a parent to take on the extra responsiblity of their teen mom and now a grandchild.. as a parent myself and have help my teen son with his teen mom , moving into my house was hard on me as a single mom.. then teaching the mom and flippin the bills for them to finish school..so when you hear other moms saying things about teen moms its prob cuz they had to deal with it in their life at some point.. its not judging anyone or sterotyping anyone.. back in my mothers day a young women get preg. they ship her off to a home for young unwed mothers.. you didnt see young unwed mothers back in her days. we come a long way but it is the right way? i know of many grandma's who are raising their grandchildren cuz their children just expect it from the parents.. the doll got old they want to go partyin with their friends instead of sitting home with the baby.... so before you get all upset with the comments.. read the first para and understand this mothers worrys.... her issues .. giving up her life for her grandchild cuz her daughter just took off ... the babies are not dolls you can put on the shelf when your done playing with it ...yes some ppl saying just give the daughter tough love make her take care of the child .. well if you force her to take care of the baby , then she may take it out on the child .. the baby dont need that either.. so again the grandmother is going to put her own live on hold to raise this grandchild.. i can feel this women sadness... starting over raising a child .. we as parents who has raised their children want a life too after they are grown and want to enjoy our grandchildren as just that .. not as grandmothers/ mothers again...if you and others young mothers raised your own children totally .. kudoos to you

Nicole - posted on 07/02/2010

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i am not saying that it is good to have babies at a young age i am simply saying that you can be a bad mum at any age just because your young it does not make you a bad mother and i will get angry with people who sterotype they need to pull there heads outa there %$#@ and being so judgemental.it is bad enough that there are young and old parents that are usless but its worse when you have every other tom dick and harry looking at you bad because of them.and to yeah some teen mums are awesom but not most,have you actually meet every single teen mum mmmmmm thats what i thought.im sorry if this sounds rude and im not angry at you people in person just at these remarks.

Sharon - posted on 07/02/2010

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Because 80% of teen moms screw up this way. Especially when they aren't held accountable for their actions. "why should I do it? my mommy/daddy/baby daddy will do it"

Yeah some teen moms are awesome but not most.

Corinne - posted on 07/02/2010

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Your daughter has a responsibilty to her child and she needs to accept this and get on with it. Being a mother is hard at any age but it is a chioce your daughter made, not you. I agree, she will need a lot of support, but it is not your job to raise her child. She chose to have sex, she chose to continue with the pregnancy, she chose to keep the baby, SHE CHOSE TO BE A MOTHER, it's not something you can change your mind about. I think it's time to be tough and tell her, you made your sacrifices for her when you were young, it's time she did the same as you want to start living for you again. Hope it all works out okay. x

Nicole - posted on 07/02/2010

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stop stero typing people this is why children shouldnt have children its offensive to those who did have children at a young age and are doing a great job....

Betty - posted on 07/01/2010

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Latonia, i read your issues and all the comments.. you have a loving heart and soul.. bless you completely.. you are doing everything you can possible do.. i would say get a lawyer get complete custody.. go after your daughter plus father for child subport.. one that will teach your daughter you cant walk away from responsiblity.. two the child needs to know who his father is .. down the road plus you might find out the father may want to have something to do with your g-son.. but i think your are doing the best job totally.. god give you strength always hon.. hang in there... thank god your grandson has you.. bless you

Nicole - posted on 07/01/2010

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totally agree with erin well said,on the other hand not so well by sharon i take offense to the comment 17 yr olds should not be having babies,do not judge people because of age,i ws 17 yrs old when i fell preg BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME THANK YOU.

Latonia - posted on 07/01/2010

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To Melissa and Jane, thank you so much. I must have read it wrong for I meant that putting my grandson up for adoption was not an option. But I am looking into adopting him myself and move on. Once again thank you for your kind word of encouragement

[deleted account]

Latonia - what a difficult time you have.
So your daughter has now moved out and left you with care of your g'son and you have custody?
So really you have 2 choices adoption or to lay aside your needs again and care for your g'son. You've already said adoption isn't an option for you....
It's so hard when there are no easy answers - just a case of doing what you feel is right and putting aside your life for the sake of another. Tis an awesome thing to do, and you should be applauded.
Do see what help is available to you too. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation when you felt you were finally able to carve more of a life out for yourself. Do try and work through all your feelings in this....there is a lot going on for you.
Keep strong, and WELL DONE.
Janex

Melissa - posted on 06/29/2010

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hi just wanted to put my 2 cents in..im 21 have a 7 month old child and another on the way.
i just wanted to say that some and indeed most of the comments are very negative but i wanted to take a moment to thank you for the amazing job that you are doing by stepping up and taking care of your grandson as he is the priority regardless of your daughters attitude that child still has needs and you sound like your doing the best thing for him. although you said adoption isnt an option it is possible that you could adopt the child therefore be able to acess some financial assistance if that is a concern.
my mum loves my son to death and would do anything to help support me my son and my partner and i know not all parents are like that so basically good on you and keep up the good work i hope that your daughter does comes around with age and experience but until that day she should be ever so greatfull to have a mum like you helping her out...best of luck.

Latonia - posted on 06/29/2010

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Thank you all for the advice. To give a more in depth picture to my story. My daughter is 17 soon to be 18 in 3 weeks, and my grandson is 14 months. All of the advice given I have tried. I enrolled her in a young mothers school program; there is a teen parents group that she use to go to twice a month.She had a visiting nurse for a while that use to come to my home every week. That seemed to be working out fine. I even sat in with her several times and thought that progress was being made.I know the stress of being a young mother. When I found out that she was pregnant I was in shock, for about 3 months. I have been the supporting mother. I know that every now and then all mothers need the break just to breathe and relax. We sat and talked and went over options that were available to her. I explained to her that I will be there for her, give her advice, and just be there for emotional support; but I will not do her job as a mother, for I have already put my dreams aside to raise her the best that I could. She also knows my history. My mother put me into foster care at the age of 14 and she was not there for me while I raised my daughter. To this day my mother has an estranged relationship with me(that is another saga). My daughter still goes to school and she works. In those regards I am proud of her. Then one day she just switched on her son and me. She started saying in front of her child that he is not her son and she does not want to be a mother. I reminded her that she was grown enough to lay down and do the deed, she is grown enough to be a mother. There is no lifestyle that I support for her. I don't give her money for she has a job; and she rarely went to any parties. So to say that I support her lifestyle is very cynical. I am 35 and need to support my own lifestyle that I want to establish. As for the father that is something that is up in the air and unfair to me since I now have custody of my grandson. There is a possibility that there is more than one person that could possibly be the father. The one that did put his name on the BC isn't worth squat. The mother of this young boy is saying that she knows that this is not her son's child, yet no one wants to come forth and take a paternity test to clear this up and so this baby can know who his father is. My daughter has since moved out and left me to shoulder the responsibility of finding someone that I have no idea who I'm looking for.My daughter is being very selfish and thinking of no one but herself. I even brought it to her attention that she acts as if her son is more like her brother. She gets an attitude when told to take the baby outside spend some time with him. I refuse to put him up for adoption or foster care, because I been there. Even though there are days that I want to say Eff It and start thinking of me but that is not my character. I love my grandson and he knows who is the one that is looking out for him. I have a small circle of friends that will help me, but they have grown children of there own and it is hard just to get some me time. Thank you to all that gave me advice and suggestions on how to deal with this.

[deleted account]

Hi there - so how old is your daughter and grandchild? Tough love can be an option, but will also depend on the age of daughter and grandchild.
You need to look objectively at the situation and work out the needs for all involved - including you. This might mean getting health visitor or other professionals involved.
It might be your daughter has PND, or she might be just being a selfish teenager.....you haven't really given enough info for us to really give advice.
Either way it sounds like you might need to put some boundaries in place if you are finding this too stressful. This might be that you can help with the baby on xyz days..... If she is suffering from PND then she will need help. If she is being a selfish teenager then she needs help and training in how to handle being a mum. If she is just young and doesn't feel ready to be a mum, then she also needs help and advice. Getting help, advice and support from other young mums might be the way to go. However this help doesn't all have to come from you either.
Adoption has been mentioned......you will need to tread carefully if you go down this route. If you are able, maybe have care for the child for a set period of time (say 3mths) with clear guidelines and boundaries in place for contact etc... At the end of the time, review with your daughter....give her time to change, to be responsible, to be a mother. Don't make it all or nothing as has been suggested. She is young and not thinking clearly.

I really this works out for all of you....

Pip - posted on 06/24/2010

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My girlfriend had the same thing, she was 32 when she became a grandma. She J, was 16 when she had her daughter and her daughter, B was 15 when she had her girl, D. Everything was fine for the 1st few mths then my girlfriend was being dumped with the grand daughter more and more. Eventually she said your not having her back. That made B really upset and over time she had to prove herself. Fast forward 3 yrs B has her daughter back and lives right near her Mum. B learnt to respect being a mum, respect her own mum and respect her daughter. A bit of tough love and time can work wonders.

Jodi - posted on 06/24/2010

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You haven't given much information, but I assume someone is supporting your daughter's lifestyle? Maybe you? Time to stop. Obviously, you don't want to let the baby go without, but you SERIOUSLY need to stop supporting her.



And this is why children shouldn't be having children, but that's another debate, and in this instance, it is too late, the deed is done.



What about the father? Where is he? Is he contributing in any way at all? If not, time to make him step up too.



And LOL @ Sherri, me too. I was almost 36 when I had my youngest and I just couldn't imagine being her grandmother!!!

Sherri - posted on 06/24/2010

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Yikes I had my youngest at 34 I can't even imagine being a grandmother at 35. However, she had that baby. She needs to understand once she decided to keep him/her it became her responsibility to raise him/her. Yes you should offer support as much as you can but she is mom.

Jasmine - posted on 06/24/2010

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I think she needs to step up and be the mother, she decided to have sex at that age then she should take the responsiblitly and if she really cant then adoption, you could adopt or find a diff family. But she needs to step up to the plate

Ez - posted on 06/24/2010

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How old is the baby? If it's still a newborn I would say give your daughter a chance to adjust. Being a first-time mum is hard for an adult, let alone a teenager.

But if this has been going on for months and months and she's really not interested, I agree with the other girls. Time for a reality check for your daughter, and if she can't be responsible then I would definitely take on the official care of the baby. It needs the stability of knowing who it's 'mother' is, and the chance to bond with a primary care-giver (which seems to be you).

Sharon - posted on 06/24/2010

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So. Have her rights annulled and accept responsibility of the baby.

She's 17. She shouldn't be a mother. She should be in school, thinking about college, making plans for the places she wants to see and the things she wants to do.

Although I'm pretty sure she's only thinking about which party to go to next & how to get there.

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