Betrayal from your own mother!...and father

Carol-Lynn - posted on 05/08/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone...where do I begin?
Here is a bit of history first....I got divorced in 2005.
My ex-husband introduced our 3 children (ages 3, 7 & 10 yr sons) to his mistress before I even knew there was anything wrong in our marriage. She was a 19 yr. old security guard at his workplace. We were 38 yrs. old. He also introduced her to his parents before I knew...and they loved her! My ex-mother-in-law used to refer me to Raymond's wife on "Everybody Loves Raymond" sit-com. It wasn't meant as a compliment. It was well known that she wanted her son to marry her childhood friend's daughter, not me.

Well, one day I went into my (ex) husband's lunch pail to pack his lunch... as I always did... and came across this long "to-do list". I picked up the page and saw that my ex secretly removed me from all of our joint credit cards and even opened up a separate bank account. These items where on this list, as well as many other things, including taking me off of his life insurance! Of course panic set in and I quickly approached him about it and he instantly was furious with me for "snooping" in his lunch pail! This was the first time he yelled at me. We never really ever fought. We were high school sweethearts and were best friends. With 16 yrs of marriage between us as husband & wife, I was shocked and confused.

One month later ...he is walking on our 1 acre property with his girlfriend (that I now knew about) with our 3 sons, hand in hand! He later then broke into my home on several occasions when I wasn't there and took items and kept harassing me for our son's crib mattress that I no longer needed, but he did cause she was expecting... he said he couldn't find it!

So where do my parent's fit in...mainly my mother?

Well, despite the full knowledge of what my ex was doing and did....my mother somehow "choose" to support my ex-husband instead of her own flesh and blood daughter. It's like she has in her head that he is also her flesh and blood as a son and she choose to support him. I had no ideal at the beginning of my divorce that she was secretly meeting and having telephone conversations with him and even with this new girlfriend and my ex-in-laws! I only found out in a court room when my ex's lawyer was repeating all of my distress conversations word for word, that I had had with my mother during those previous months. (How stressed I was and afraid. How I didn't know how I would pay the bills or provide for my children because I didn't have a job and I was home schooling my children at the time.) All those conversations where used against me when my ex was trying to fight for custody of my children because he didn't want to have to pay spousal or child support. The both of them even tried to say I was bi-polar! A children's lawyer was appointed and I won "full" custody of my children with him having visitation access every 2nd weekend and half holidays.
Long story short, she said she received professional counselling for this but she never once apologized to me.
I moved on, showed her mercy and forgave her... only with God's strength.

Last Jan. she went to my son's birthday party that was being held at my son's girlfriend's home (he had moved out there because he didn't like that he had consequences at home for breaking the law). My parents fully supported my son, whatever made my chid happy. My mother also fully knew my ex and his now wife and 4 kids would be at this party and was excited to go, which were her words. My husband (of 3 yrs ) and I refused to go. I felt it was very unhealthy and unsafe for me to attend. However my mother and my father did attend and had a "wonderful evening" as she later told me. Her tone of voice reminded me of the past when just 10 mths after my ex left, I remember sharing with her that I had just heard that his girlfriend was a expecting a baby and her response was literally shear delight! I will never forget her words that were so genuine ..."really? Oh I hope I get to babysit that baby!"

Just recently, my 18 yr. old son has moved back home after hitting rock bottom. As he was moving back his stuff I saw a box with plaques in it. I looked at them and they were 3 pictures that my mother had gotten made for him. A picture of my father with my son, a picture of my son age 4, and a picture of my son and my ex!.....no picture of me and my son, or my son and his step-father who stepped in and raised him and his brothers and financially support us all ....half a year after their biological father abandoned us. And who has now been their step-father for the past 3 years. No, not at all.
Here's a twist.....my "now" husband of 3 yrs was my very first boyfriend! We dated from grade 7 to grade 11.
His wife up and left him and his 3 boys "to find herself and didn't want to be married or a mother anymore."
My mother used to like him back then but now seems to go out of her way to be so incredibly mean and hurtful to him. Even when he has gone outside and shovelled the snow off her vehicle and came back to walk her safely to her car....no thank you. She hugs the kids good-bye at the door and me...not him. She made us a plate of leftovers and didn't offer him any! We mention in conversation his birthday the day before ....no happy birthday. Nothing ever. Always very mean to him. I can't stand it and have mentioned things in the past to her but she just gets mad.... at me!

My mother seems to not be the only one who has betrayed me....her siblings have as well according to Facebook where they have him down as their friend. He seems to be very good at coning people but ultimately it is me who is hurt by all this and has been conned by all. Even my own father whom I was so close to (I'm an only child) has gone along with all of this. When I questioned him, his response was, "I don't know why everyone can't get along!" I reminded him that when my uncle was accusing my father of illegal actions in my dad's company and he fired my uncle....I supported him cause he was my dad!
At the begining of my divorce I had called my father to take me and the boys away from it all for a weekend...anywhere at all where we could regroup and rest. He took me and the boys to a remote camp and we had a great refreshed weekend. However my mother was put out that she was not invited by my father because he could see she was not supporting me or helping matters. Maybe perhaps now looking back...he knew she was having a close relationship with my ex, who knows.
She is now also supporting my 14 yr. old son who has moved in with my ex because he was also grounded for his rebelliousness and my ex allows him to have sleepovers with his 14 yr old girlfriend!

There is just so many other unbelievable things that my mother has done that are beyond hurtful, despite me turning the other cheek the first time and several times afterwards because as a Christian I believe this is what I'm suppose to do.....i find myself forgiving once more but I now find myself not wanting a relationship with them ever again.
How do you ever have a relationship when "trust" has been broken....more than once!

Any advice...anyone?

Oh, ....and I would soooo much appreciate any prayers please, thank you! I know God is good, "He makes all things bad into good." And that He has! God Bless Everyone! And thank you for reading my loooong novel! lol I do truly and honestly appreciate it, thank you!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

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First off, Do you want the relationship or not? I ask because you said in one paragraph that you find yourself not wanting a relationship with her, then in the next, you ask how to have one. Honestly, I don't think I would want a relationship with the person you described. You can forgive her, and that is good for you because nothing good ever comes from holding on to a grudge, but I would keep her out of your life. Just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them. If the relationship is painful, don't bother with it. I wouldn't--there is no need to have a relationship with someone if it is a hassle and does more harm to you than good.

Your question was how do you have a relationship when "trust" has been broken, more than once?
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "trust" but I think you probably mean something like the ability to believe someone will do what they say they will do and given the context perhaps not tell others what you've told them in confidence.
If so, don't trust people. EVER. People are not trustworthy. If you need to tell someone something confidential, to get it off your chest or whatever, choose a person who is bound by law not to tell anyone else, like a priest, therapist, lawyer, etc. I have never understood people who just tell other people all their problems or ideas. If you show a person your weaknesses, that person WILL ALWAYS use them against you. ALWAYS. So don't do it. Never depend on a person to do something for you just because they say they will either. A lot of times they might actually be there, but most of the time, unless it is beneficial to them, they won't actually do it.

So, I guess if you do want a relationship with your mom, have one. Just don't tell her anything she could use against you, and don't depend on her to help you. If she says she is going to do something for you, and you actually want her to, that's great, but I would make plans in case she falls through too.

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Carol-Lynn - posted on 05/08/2013

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Thanks Kelly for taking the time to read my post, I appreciate your opinion. I have decided not to have a relationship,just to clarify. However I am open to anybody else who may have some advice or even a personal experience of their own that is similar. Mostly right now, i need encouragement. Thank you once again Kelly and God bless

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