betrayed and devestated

Karen - posted on 09/10/2015 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 19 years old. She left during the night on sunday. She was dating this guy a couple of years ago while she was still a minor. She started sneaking him in and got caught. I told her then I didn't want her to see him any more because he was not good for her, she actually agreed and said she was losing feeling for him anyway. Five months ago he contacted her and she met up with him at the mall, she isnot a minor so I could not stop her from seeing him. He lives an hour from us in another city.She just started college last week and just got her drivers license, no car yet.Now she is living far away with him and his family.We are white American he is Mexican.She left everything even her phone.I had to text his phone to get in touch with her. She wrote im safe.I finally spoke with her and she said she wants to stay with him, take a break from me. I am so hurt I cant eat or sleep, Im sick with worry and part of me feels angry and betrayed.

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Jodi - posted on 09/13/2015

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Karen, I would say she clearly knows you disapproved. She wanted to be with this guy, and there is likely something you have said that tells her you don't like it. So she just up and left rather than have to face you about her choice.

Regardless of whether he has brainwashed her or not, you are just going to have to learn to live with her choice. All you can do is reassure her that you love her, invite her to visit sometimes, visit her sometimes.....and most of all, be there for her if she decides she's made a mistake, without being likely to say "I told you so". Make sure she KNOWS you won't say or think that, or she won't turn to you when and if she needs to.

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Karen - posted on 09/13/2015

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Hi Dove, she isn't thinking clear I feel like he has brain washed her. The day she left we went to the beach, had supper as usual together, her sister was in her room chatting with her until around ten oclock.They were talking about how shes painting her room and what she is gonna put on the walls, I just don't understand what happened here.

Dove - posted on 09/12/2015

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Unless you have any evidence that she was kidnapped or is being abused... You need to let her go. By all means try to keep the lines of communication going and let her know that your door is still open for her... no questions asked (in case she DOES get abused, but doesn't want to talk about it just yet), but you need to accept that she is an adult and her life choices are up to her now. YOU need to be OK w/ the fact that she is grown and on her own. The fact that you are falling apart is a red flag indicator that you need to get yourself into some counseling to learn how to accept that your daughter is an adult living on her own now.

Trish - posted on 09/12/2015

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As a mum you will always worry. You just have to let go and trust that you have taught her enough to live in the real world despite where she is. You need to have faith she will be okay even though she is not with you. If anything does go wrong she will always come home. If you still feel uneasy go to the family and get to know them. Your assumptions and judgments are not helping you. Stop racking your brains trying to figure why she did this. What is done is done you have to be strong and move on.

Jodi - posted on 09/11/2015

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" I don't believe that an 18 year old or possibly even a 19 year old (depending on how naive) has all the right answers for herself and still requires guidance."

You are right, they don't. BUT they need to make their own mistakes and come to that realisation themselves. No amount of her mother telling her this is not okay and she doesn't agree with it is going to help, and if anything, it will drive the wedge further. Which is WHY the advice to this mother is that she needs to let it run its course. She needs to respect her daughter's decision (I did not say she had to agree with it) and be there for her if the decision comes crashing down around her. Whether the actions were influenced or not, this adult child made a choice, and mum has to accept it.

The red flag for me was this: "I am just falling apart, I cant go on without her, I just want her tocome home."

Karen - posted on 09/11/2015

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Hi Chelsea, your comment was the nicest one I received, thankyou for that.He is very jealous and controlling, she gave up her friends for him. One was a nice boy she had been friends with since freshman year.My daughteris very nieve and withdrawn.She wont even pay for something at the register.I went to the apartment his family and him live in.Their are a lot of them living there. No-one was home including my daughter who has no job.I opened the pop out screen in the kitchen window and tossed her phone and birth control pills inShe wont answer her phone or text me. She went to the police station in his city the other night to show them she was fine and wanted to be there, they called me and toldme.This guy I believe is her first everything. She jumps for him, she would get so upset when we were gonna be late for her to meet him. I am walking around like a zombie.The reason I mentioned he was Mexican is that they have different ideas about certain things. His sister in law is 20 years old with a child and 2 jobs.This isnot the life I want formy daughter.I am so hurt and scared for her.

Chelsea - posted on 09/11/2015

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Honestly I find it's kind of strange that there aren't some sort of red flags popping in sight for others that have responded. I don't want to become argumentative BUT it seems to me as though your daughter's action was influenced. I had a friend who went through the same scenario actually. She is also American and was dating a Puerto Rican at the time (whether that matters or not, I am mentioning it because you did). She thought it was a great idea to move to his mother's house several cities away with him and his family. It wasn't long before she realized the mistake she had made. He became extremely controlling (she did not have a phone, she was hardly able to call from someone else's phone), he became abusive and down right possessive. I'm sorry but if a daughter has a healthy relationship with her family and decides one day that she should leave everything; personal possessions, contact with her family, etc.. there is something wrong with the situation. I don't believe that an 18 year old or possibly even a 19 year old (depending on how naive) has all the right answers for herself and still requires guidance.

If she will not come back home or closer I would suggest trying to stay in touch with her as often as you can. Offer to drop off her phone.. Meet her for lunch on the weekends.. Try to have daily calls with her or even every other day. Just to establish some sort of routine with communication. SOMETHING to keep in touch with her and stay close. Act as if you are being supportive but obviously still watchful of the situation. She will appreciate you supporting her and will open up to you about her relationship with this guy and his family. Do not bombard her with judgement or questions. Just be a mother to your daughter and show love.. she will come around.

Jodi - posted on 09/10/2015

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Karen, I think you are looking at this all wrong. She has obviously fallen in love with this man, and YOU have disrespected her in this relationship. If you can be more supportive of her choices as an adult (i.e. allow her to make her own choices without the judgement from you), then maybe she wouldn't feel the need to just take off like that. You are being incredibly disrespectful of her choice here. She hasn't just "thrown" you away, you are choosing to see it that way. If you continue to put it to her like that, she won't want to come home even for a visit. You really need to stop and take a step back.

An hour away isn't that big a deal. She's an adult. At her age, I was living a good 2 hours drive from my family. That doesn't mean I threw them away, that means I made some adult choices to move somewhere for any number of reasons. It doesn't matter whether my parents agreed with my reasons - those reasons were important to me. I still have a close relationship with my parents because they didn't nag me to death about it and they accepted that I was an adult, I was making adult choices.

It's time for you to stop and let it go. It's time for you to build an ADULT relationship with your daughter instead of a parent-child relationship (you are still hanging on to this).

If you can't go on because your daughter has found a partner and moved away from you, then perhaps you should seek some counselling for yourself.

Karen - posted on 09/10/2015

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Hi Jodi,my daughter and I are so close, I just don't understand any of this. She has a family a sister a mother a father,pets. Its like she threw us away for a guy. I am broken, she is far from home to its not like she is on the other side of town.We do everything together I am just falling apart, I cant go on without her, I just want her tocome home.

Jodi - posted on 09/10/2015

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I'm not sure what you being white American and him being Mexican has to so with anything, but anyway.......

I agree 100% with Evelyn. Our children become adults and start making their own choices and we have to learn to let go. I know it isn't easy, because sometimes they make choices we can see are going to end badly, or that we don't agree with, but they are adults and it IS their choice and we need to learn to respect that.

Karen - posted on 09/10/2015

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Hi Evelyn, no it doesn't matter that he is Mexican. I just sometimes think all cultures do things differently. His sister in law also lives in the apartment and is only 20 years old.She already has a child and 2 jobs.This isnot the life I want for my child,she enrolled in college she just got her license we have hopes,dreams..... I feellike I don't even know her anymore.

Ev - posted on 09/10/2015

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She is an adult and it is her choice. At some point we as the parents have to let go of our children and let them live their own lives INCLUDING making mistakes. We can not make the choices for them. Would it have mattered that he is Mexican or not? Or do you have issues with her being with someone of another country/culture? Believe it or not, there are no more stays on dating outside your own race anymore though many people still think that it is not okay. She has a right to live her life to her ideals. Just hope and pray she is fine and keep in touch with her as much as you can. Do not force the issue of coming home.

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