Dwanda - posted on 04/22/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )
Hello, I have recently been dealing with quite the turmoil with my childs father and new wife.
My daughter is 6yrs old in 2 months, the father has never taken interest in our daughters life. We were facebook friends for numerous years, spoke every few months, but the minute I put our daughter on the phone he would ask for me repeatedly and say he was busy and hang up. when she was 4 I tried to encourage him to meet his daughter, he agreed but stood us up and didn't answer any of my calls/texts wondering if he was still coming. He would brag on facebook about how he spends nearly a thousand each on his other 4 kids buying them lavishing gifts but wouldn't send our daughter even a card or call her. I would send him collages of pictures of our daughter nearly every Christmas so he could see her progress over the year. He threw them away along with some of her art work. I also sent him pictures through facebook that were private and just for him. I remember when I was trying to talk him into seeing our daughter when she was 4 he expressed his fear that she was now so old and he didn't know how to start it. I said its much better to start at 4 then 14 and supported them in having/creating a relationship.
Well then he met some girl in sept of last year and by jan (4months after meeting each other), she demanded he have a relationship with our daughter. and though I just called him 3 weeks prior, and text him 2 weeks prior to that, and met with his brother the month before as I worked for him temporarily, the father denied knowing how to reach me.
So this girl searched for me via web, calling an ex employee and sending a letter from the state where he makes his child support payment.
When she called and said that she thought it would be a great idea for the father and my child to have a relationship I completely agreed. When the father called by his girlfriends demand on a Wednesday he requested to see our daughter that Saturday. I said first, I have plans this weekend, you cant call me out of the blue over 5 years later demanding me to drop everything, 2nd we need to ease in as she doesn't know you, I suggest we set up phone visits every week, as many as you would like. Lets do this for a month and then evaluate at that time together how to move forward and what we both think should be the next step. While your creating this relationship why don't you send a picture of yourself she can put on her dresser and start getting familiar with how you look. If you want to go even father you could throw a stuffed animal or a doll she can touch and hug that's from her dad, she could take it to show and tell and show her friends at school and start getting excited about her forming relationship with her father.
he didn't send her a picture of himself, and he didn't buy her a doll or a stuffed animal but he got her a magazine subscription!
Well he didn't want to ease into meeting our daughter because his girlfriend wanted it right now, so they served me with papers for visitation the following monday and ran to the court house and got married, still after knowing each other for only 4 months. Well the courts agreed with my idea and he had to start with phone visits for a month, but because he wanted to argue and fight and go to court he ended up waiting an additional 6 weeks for us to go to court over it.
While we were waiting for court however, dad missed or was late for every phone visit, each visit I have our daughter who wants to play with her friends, sitting by the phone waiting for her dad to call. So I ended up telling his since he was either 2 hours late without notice or missing them all together that I was temporarily stopping the phone visits til we make it to court and let the judge say what he felt was best for our child. The now wife, sent my attorney an email saying that she wanted the phone visits re-established with not only the father but also the "mother" (calling herself mother, and at this point, had never met my daughter, talk about confusing to my daughter!) The now wife also stated she wanted to be listed as mother on all medical and school records!
then the visits started, hes only had 2 so far, the first visit was only with him and our daughter, and for 3 hours sat and 3 hours sun. They live 6 hours away, but the wife had to come on the trip so then my daughter had no place to have the visit with her father because the wife wouldn't leave the hotel so they could have the visit there, and he wanted the visit early on sunday so he could get back on the road, meaning everything else was closed except diners. He wanted me to come up with ideas for his visit but then the wife didn't want it to be my idea so we went back and forth for 6 and a half hours on Saturday until well after midnight trying to figure out what he was to do with his ill planned visit the following morning. I came up with countless ideas while neither of them had a thought of their own to contribute.
Then they started trying to tell me how to parent, He didn't care for 5 yrs and now he thinks her bedtime is to early and he wants her to go to bed at 9. I told him we eat organic and she takes a pretty active role in healthy eating, he said "I don't agree with her being a vegetarian she will eat meat!" I corrected him that eating organic does not mean one is a vegetarian and that we eat grass fed beef, cage free chickens and so forth.
The neighbor kid accidentally slammed my daughters finger in the car door and it caused a fracture in the bone. the wife interrogated me, insinuating that she doesn't feel that I handled the situation the way she would've wanted me too.
Then visit two, instead of them enjoying the visit with our daughter, they drove my daughter around and asked if she could point out our house, if she could point out her school, and then started interrogating her. I haven't dated in over a year and a half and spend all my time with the kids, after their insulting questions to my 5 year old she started to doubt her own reality and asked if I had a boyfriend, when I said no my daughter states but you have to have one! I said no I don't honey!
then visit three which was this last weekend, Dad couldn't come, he had to work. so they demanded me to let the wife who my daughter has only met once take her for the entire Easter Weekend. I said that I am glad that she has encourage dad to stand up and take a role in our daughters life but if dad is not there the visit is not happening. I offered to make up the visit, (which my attorney said I don't need to), but hoped that they would see im trying to make this pleasant and be friends as much as possible for our daughter. But he didn't want to have the following weekend as he doesn't want our daughter to meet his other 4 kids, our daughters blood brothers and sisters right now! But he would way rather our daughter spend Easter weekend with a complete stranger! But I held strong though they tried to bully me the whole week.
The wife has contacted my daughters school and became on a daily email basis with my daughters teacher, indulging all our personal laundry. The town I live in is small, I don't involve others in my personal life, and I am humiliated. I hang my head when I pick up my daughter from school right now. I also feel embarrassed as I know the teacher didn't get a degree to teach so she could be involved in others drama! I don't even know how to look at my daughters teacher right now.
Then on top of it, every holiday I make crafts with my girls, I allow them to make them for their classmates. The wife took initiative to supply the party with party snacks, crackers and eggs, mailing them from across the state. She didn't talk to me to see if we already planned to send treats ourselves. so now its going to be a grotesque display of competition in front of kindergarteners? Or is now my daughter suppose to now not take her craft to her classmate? I sent the crafts, but in humiliation, as the whole school is now part of this since the wife is sending it to the office and now talking to the office staff!
But they don't send my daughter an easter basket, just gifts for her entire class.
Im trying so hard to be happy and excited for my daughter as she developes this relationship with her father, but honestly I am becoming hostile, im trying to keep a happy face and be the better person but all this fighting is not necessary and I don't know how to pacify it without them disrespecting me and my home and the choices I have made ensuring structure and routine for both my daughters.