Bio mom vs. stepmom

Melanie - posted on 01/16/2016 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Yellow Rose, I read your post and know exactly what you are feeling. My husband and I met 16 years ago and have been married thirteen years. I have been a mother figure to the two children that came with him since they were 3 and 5. Both are now adults. Recently one enlisted in the military and I finally let out all the feelings I have had for years, only to have a birth mother step all over me. I have never tried to replace her or step on her but she has resented me for a long time and pulled a lot of crap over the years. She should be grateful that I have loved and cared for these children as if I myself had given birth.

Her newest incident was a nasty gram attempting to put me in place. She has no idea what I have given to these children over the past 16 years, love, encouragement, nursing them while they were sick,listening to them when they needed to cry, etc. She's tried to make it sound as though she was the only one who has had influence in their lives and the people they have both turned out to be. I wholeheartedly disagree with her of course because the children were with their father and I as well as her.

Whether you are the birth mother or the other mother both of you should have the right to call the child your son or daughter. I am not the mean, ugly step mother from Cinderella and I know my children don't look at me that way or feel that way. Just wanted you to know that you are not the only one with a birth mother that can't past herself and her own insecurities.

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Ev - posted on 01/16/2016

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What bothers me is so many women on both sides think so badly of the other. They do not give it a chance to work out some sort of way or other. Kids need to know they are cared for not pawns. Unfortunately, most families end up not being in a good way with step parents and parents.

American - posted on 01/16/2016

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I myself have never been in that situation however my best friend has. She has dealt with both. One is just horrible and the other is great. I guess what matters is if the children are being cared for. Like she says as long as my kids are happy then we all good!;)

Ev - posted on 01/16/2016

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I agree a lot of women do take on another's children and love them as if they were their own. And a lot of bio mom's do give drama over it. But not all of us are that way. That is the thing. We, bio moms, are also trying to look out for the best for our kids. It goes both ways.

My kids have had two step moms over the years (13 years) and neither one wanted much to do with them. But one of them did try to exert herself over all areas of the custody, visitation and other things that were between me and dad. Also she had not been in my kids' life as long as 16 years or more. She came in when they were teens and preteens. My daughter was almost out of high school and my son was about to begin it. She had to have it all her way or no way. I tried to the sake of the kids to work it out with her to a point as civil as I could be but she would not have it. When my daughter married, the planning was out of my hands and her dads as the groom's family took care of matters and she still had to complain about everything including that two of her five kids did not get to be in the wedding party. She complained about not being included on the insert for the newspaper graduation years under the pictures of my kids.

I think both sides sometimes expect things to go too much their way.

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Melanie - posted on 01/16/2016

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WThank you so much for your post. It's nice to know that not all bio mother's are insecure. What really gets my goat is how she presented it ...a lot of capitol letters and exclamation points.

For years I held back telling my children how I felt about them for fear of this exact thing happening. I would let little bits out, but that was it. I know that my son knew a long time ago but my daughter I think always felt that if she had feelings for me it was being disloyal to her bio mom. It's since come out that she has always had feelings for me but was afraid to let me know.

My husband's ex is very bitter and very vengeful. She always tried to keep us from having the children. We had to finally take her to court...again. She has never remarried but has had one long term relationship where the kids were at the brunt of his abuse. we were helpless in being able to do anything about it.

I am thankful though that I finally told my children my feelings. My son and I have had a good relationship for quite some time but the last couple of years he's been able to tell that he loves me and appreciates me.
My daughter is just starting to come around. I think she's finally realizing that having feelings for me isn't being disloyal. I am just an extension.

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