Biological dad issues

Medi - posted on 01/12/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I just need little advice. I'm 23 and I have two children from a previous relationship. One is 2 and the other just turned one. The issue I'm not facing is with their father. The father and I were together for 5 years which ended due to him wanting to be with someone else. Regardless of what happened between us I of course did not allow that to affect his relationship with the kids. He however decided not to make any efforts to contact the kids for 4 entire months. During this time there was absolutely no communication with him, not even to check on them. After the girl broke up with him he magically remembered he had kids and decided that he wanted to be in their lives again. I allowed this to happen because I know how important it is for my kids to have a dad. I also know that everyone makes mistakes. Shortly after he came back into their lives he started dating someone else again. My ex and I live in different states now. He promised he would come visit the kids for my sons first birthday. When it came closer to my sons birthday he began making excuses about not being able to come due to financial issues he was facing. I find out shortly after that he did have the money for the ticket but decided to go visit his girlfriend in Fl instead. I was furious because he promised he would visit the kids and also because he has no financial responsibility to the kids. Yet he can go visit his girlfriend. Now I've been dating someone else for a while and he refuses to allow me to introduce my kids to my boyfriend. Another issue is that he got upset because he's constantly asking me for money and the other day I told him that I refused to help him out financially any longer. Since then he refuses to answer my phone calls. I text him letting him know its about the kids and he only responds to the texts calling me horrible names. I called him to tell him that my daughter had a bad asthma attack and he don't me not to ever call him and he hung up.

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Angela - posted on 01/12/2013

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Medi
Sounds all to familiar. Medi do you still love or have a sexual relationship with your ex boyfriend? I ask because your helping him financially when he does nothing to help you with the children.

How long have you dated this current boyfriend? If he has good qualities, love the children and will help you with them. Also if you two are ready for a committed relationship and love each other, I think you should bring him into your children's life.

Stop with trying to get your ex to be their for the children. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink, is something my mother would tell me. It's very important that their father is in their life but is he trying? Your going to put a lot of stress on yourself doing that Medi. I did that for a year with my first child's father and it got to the point I went to his house to fight. My children would not benefit from mommy being locked up. So what are your children benefiting from mommy being stressed out because their father wouldn't be daddy? Can you make him be a daddy or can you do anything to make their father change? Than why stress over it? There are mothers that are the mother and father to their child(ren) everyday. It's not going to be easy but you make the best of what you have Medi.

You may think about custody of the children. In my state the father has the right to take the children and the mother can do nothing (unless she has some type of legal custody).
Good luck!

Lacye - posted on 01/12/2013

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It's great that you are at least trying to help keep a relationship going with your kids and their father. Most women won't do that, but it's time for you to quit trying and to force him to step up. Stop contacting him. If he wants to be there, he will.

As for him telling you you can't introduce your kids to your boyfriend, that's just tough shit on his part. He can't tell you what you can or can't do with your kids and your personal life. It's no longer any of his business.

And lastly, you never should have been giving him money in the first place! It's not your problem, it's his. He has to learn to take care of himself. Plus, you won't ever see any of that money back that you have allowed him to borrow.

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Angela - posted on 01/14/2013

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So do what makes you and your children happy, even if it means they won't be able to see their father for a while. Your a good mother for wanting their father in the children's life but you don't need the stress from it. You have a man that needs your focus as well has your two children.
Wish you all the best!

Medi - posted on 01/14/2013

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Angela, of course you didn't upset me in anyway. I hope you didn't get that vibe from my response. I really appreciate your advice. Even though we were not sexually involved my emotions were still very much involved. I guess that's why I would always be available to help him whenever he needed it. It's hard but I am letting go completely and moving forward. This relationship is only bringing me down and wasting energy I could use with the kids. Thanks so much for the advice ;-)

Angela - posted on 01/14/2013

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Medi
If I upset you in any way, I didn't mean to. I wanted you to see how your hurting yourself trying to help him and he is not help you out. I can understand why you would help him but you need to worry about you and your children now Medi. Positive note you have two beautiful children out of all this

Medi - posted on 01/14/2013

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In response to Angela. No, we don't have an sexual relationship whatsoever. I helped him because he claimed to be struggling financially and he's my kids dad. I felt like its what I should do. This is before I found out that he does have money and that he's simply not helping out with the kids because he chooses not to.

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