Birth Certificate/Paternity Questions and Rant

Kristen - posted on 04/18/2015 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Ok, my boyfriend and I are expecting a little girl in about 3-4 weeks. We live in Missouri. Obviously, we are not married. The pregnancy was not planned, but we have been dealing with it fine....until now. I can tell you the exact day my daughter was conceived because it is the only day after my last period that we had sex and it was unprotected. All the dates line up perfectly to the day we had sex being the day she was conceived. I did not sleep with anyone else. My boyfriend's mother hates me and, because of this, denies that he is the father. I agreed to one of those private at home DNA tests after the baby is born just to shut her up and prove her wrong (NOT because there are any doubts on my part).

This was all fine until the conversation I had with my boyfriend tonight. He does not want to sign the birth certificate until the test comes back to prove he is the father. Apparently, according to his mother, there are rumors going around that he is not the father (mind you...I lived several hours away from where his mother lives when my daughter was conceived so I am not really sure who is spreading rumors and what they could even possibly be saying)! Maybe it's not so hard to understand why I hate his mother just as much as she hates me...

But anyways, I have some major issues with him not signing the birth certificate.

+First, his lack of trust enrages me. I have always been loyal and have never done anything to put my loyalty in doubt. Isn't it enough that I consented to a DNA test without complaint or worry?

+Second, it suddenly feels like he is trying to get out of his responsibility as her father by not claiming her.

+Third, once the test proves he is the father, how hard is it to have him sign the birth certificate and get all of that changed?

+Fourth, what about her last name? We were going to give her his last name...but if he doesn't sign her birth certificate, how does that work?

+Fifth, how embarrassing is it going to be in the hospital to have him there, but not signing the birth certificate? Suddenly, the big day that I've been looking forward to for months is starting to look bitter and full of resentment. Aside from having unprotected sex with my boyfriend of several years when I was not married and not trying to get pregnant...what is it exactly that I have done wrong again?

I guess I can understand that having these kinds of doubts in the back of your mind can be hard for a Dad. I can see how they could creep in and ruin his joy at being a new parent. So I am happy to swallow my pride and have a DNA test done to put any doubt/fear to rest so that he can love her with his full heart. I KNOW with absolute certainty that she is his and I want him to have that same certainty. But not signing the birth certificate is crossing the line of my patience and understanding.

******If the DNA test shows he is not the father (which, again, will just not be the case), it's not like he will be required to pay child support for a child that is not his just because he signed the birth certificate, right?******

I am going to have him read the responses here....so if anyone has any information they'd like to direct at him, feel free.

15 Comments

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Laura - posted on 04/21/2015

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Oh I would be so upset! This could be a deal breaker for me. He is pretty much admitting you could be a cheater (which you are not!!) His mother sounds just awful! How dare he listen to her over you, the mother of his child? I think not signing the birth certificate would be a slap in the face. I would seriously consider getting some counseling (it may be free to you or low cost, or you could go to a church and have free counseling) because he needs to know what's up. No way should he be treating you like this! You and your daughter deserve better than this nonsense!

Cutemommy - posted on 04/20/2015

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your boyfriend needs to let his balls hang, if she wants a dna test let that woman pay for it to be done legally in court, and if he doesn't want to sign his child's birth certificate that is on him, that's going to be a shameful thing on him as a father. Knowing the truth will not fix the situation it will be another problem later on. Make him promise after he see's the results that he will stand up to his mom, and if he doesn't than decide if you want to stay with him.

Kristen - posted on 04/20/2015

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@Raye Ramsey- Marriages that come together because of an unplanned pregnancy tend not to last. The decision to not yet get married is actually mine. I am in the process of earning my Bachelor's degree in Wildlife Conservation and Management and if I am married, it will make financial aid a lot harder for me to get. As I need the financial aid that I am receiving in order to finish school, I need to finish my education before I am ready to get married (it will be in about 1 1/2 years). That has nothing to do with him or our relationship and everything to do with me planning for my future.

Like I said, we have a wonderful relationship aside from his mother. Putting more distance between her and us helped. He is usually pretty good about ignoring what his mother has to say or taking it with a grain of salt. This time though, she got to him.

Raye - posted on 04/20/2015

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If you're having his baby, why is the time not right to get married? Because he doesn't trust you? What about the next thing his mother brainwashes him into believing? Sorry for being negative, but it doesn't sound to me like the future with this guy is very secure.

Kristen - posted on 04/20/2015

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@Sarah E.-I have swallowed my pride and apologized at least a dozen times. I have tried talk it out with her. My boyfriend would agree with me. But she lets nothing go and she is constantly looking for another reason to fight with me. It got to the point where it was just too tedious to be around her because I had to be so careful of every little thing I said and did that I just stopped going over there. She is very hostile when my boyfriend is not around and has reduced me to to tears on several occasions. I invited her to come to the hospital to see the baby when she was born and she told my boyfriend she didn't want anything to do with the baby until she saw a DNA test proving she is his (like I said, I can't wait to show her the results). I really don't think this is a case of her feelings being hurt........but thank you.

My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship, aside from his mother. We do live together and we do plan to get married when the time is right. We are waiting until I am done with college. I do not want to go through court for anything because it is simply unnecessary.

Raye - posted on 04/20/2015

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Legally, you can give the baby ANY name you want. But, if you are not married, and he does not want to sign the birth certificate, *I* would not give the child his last name. Once the baby is born, go to court, get the paternity test done. If you don't live together, then petition for child support and get court orders for custody and visitation. ALL this can be changed later if you get married. But should the worst happen, at least this way your child would have some protections in place.

Sarah - posted on 04/19/2015

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Just a thought; have you ever apologized to her for making a sarcastic crack? Now, I am not saying you have too, and she obviously owes you an apology as well. I just know form experience that sometimes eating a little bit of crow can work. I got along fine with my FIL, he was a great guy but really OCD and picky. I told my in-laws one evening that I was going to clean out my basement the next day. My FIL said he'd come give me a hand; I laughed and said he'd be the last person I would ask for help becasue the job would never be done! Well I meant it lightheartedly, but he was really mad - for two years! He barely spoke to me and I never knew why until my hubby told he was hurt. I apologized to him. The ice was broken and we were fine after that. Just something to think about.
It might be worth you asking to meet with her and let her know that this is her grandchild you are carrying. Tell her you hope that she will be part of the baby's life and all of the great grandma stuff. If she refuses to warm up to you, then brace yourself for a bumpy ride for the next 18 years.

Kristen - posted on 04/19/2015

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You don't know his mother lol. I agree with you, but his mother is relentless. She lets NOTHING go. And, like it or not, he is her mother and he cares what she thinks (even if she's a bit crazy). She will keep bringing this up for years to come because that is how she is. Heaven forbid she brings it up in earshot of my daughter!!!!

The whole reason she hates me is ridiculous. She was afraid I was going to take her son away and she would never see him again. I was trying to calm her fears and assure her that was not that case. She said she was going to throw everything he owned that was still at her house out on the front lawn and never speak to him again. I was a bit fed up to be honest....so I rolled my eyes and said sarcastically, "Now that's the answer, isn't it?"

YEARS later she hates my guts because I was (and I quote) "sarcastic to her". That's it. She STILL brings it up all the time when talking to my boyfriend. That one statement is the only reason she has to hate me (and believe me, she tried really hard to find other reasons....she even had me spied on by a friend of hers when I was working. The only dirt she found then was that I would take my lunch breaks in my car and read a book....creepy that she knew that). I have otherwise been respectful and civil towards her. I should note that she has never liked any woman my boyfriend has dated and would prefer that he moved back in with her and lived there the rest of his life like she did with her mother.

One of these days I'll probably lose my temper, open my mouth and give her a real reason to hate me. But I won't allow anyone to doubt my precious baby girl.

Sarah - posted on 04/19/2015

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Since you are not married, you both have to sign affidavits of paternity. If he refuses to sign, a court ordered paternity test will be done to prove his relationship and he does not need to sign. Regardless of whether he signs or not, you can use whatever name you want for your baby's last name. Sound like you'd be better off with a court ordered paternity test anyway, since grandma may refute the effectiveness of a mail in test. Having a court ordered test, does not require trips before a judge, or tons of the courts time. They get ordered all of the time thru the Department of Vital Statistics. Also, the birth certificate is not signed in the delivery room, someone from the records department will come visit you in your room and make sure the spelling of the names is correct etc; trust me these people encounter drama all of the time so don't sweat being embarrassed. You know the truth and as long as you are honest, you have zero to worry about- except your boyfriend's lack of backbone.

Ev - posted on 04/19/2015

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It just sounds fishy that he wants to do this to please his mother. This is something between you and him and not the rest of the family regardless how you feel about his parents, siblings and others. If he says he trusts you then he should just go with the fact this child is his. It is not a question for his family to raise nor do they have any say in it.

Kristen - posted on 04/19/2015

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Yes, I have asked him. He said he just wants to have it done because of his mother. I asked him if he thought I was unfaithful and he said no.

Ev - posted on 04/19/2015

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I understand that totally. At the same time, if he is still going to be doubtful of this it might take a court ordered DNA test to really make it real for him at the least. Have you even asked him why HE has second thoughts outside his family's influences?

Kristen - posted on 04/18/2015

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Thank you Evelyn. I realize that. The idea was that he was supposed to sign the birth certificate when she was born and then we would do an at home DNA test (available through Wal-Mart and Walgreens) that you send in just to stop his mother from putting doubts in his head. We don't NEED it to hold up in court. We just need the knowledge and peace of mind that the results would bring.

My point is this. The DNA test is going to show that he is her father. It is a waste of time and money, not to mention hurt feelings, for him not to sign the birth certificate when she is born.

Ev - posted on 04/18/2015

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Actually, a legal DNA test is usually done via the courts. They do not usually accept any that are not if you are going to try to add him to the birth certificate and such.

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