birth mother of adopted child

Debi Garcia - posted on 11/30/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I decided to (one more time) start looking for my first child who is now 41 yrs old. I was one month into my 15th year on earth when I gave birth, was raped by a family member when 14. My mother did not believe me, and she stated when she came to pick me up from the hospital (I was all alone, walked myself in, when in labor)that we were not bringing the infant home. A social worker was kind enough to allow me visits with him while he was in a foster home awaiting adoption. I last saw him at 6 months, How enthusiastic should I be?, I don't think he knows he's adopted? Is this a bad idea? I may be harming him if he doesn't know.

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Angela - posted on 12/01/2013

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Debi, I'm sorry. I just wanted you to go into this with your eyes open. I really hope you can trace your son and the 2 of you can have a happy reunion and maybe develop a relationship from there. That would be lovely for both of you.

When you say "maybe this subject meant something to you or someone you know", I can't, in all honesty say that it does. I've known people whose children went to new, adoptive parents, I've known people who adopted children themselves and I've known people who were adopted. But I've never been personally affected by it. I've also never mentioned the issues of adopted children contacting their birth parents to anybody I knew affected by these issues.

However, I've always been interested in adoption and stories of reunions with birth families. One of the biggest revelations was when I found out, despite all the "hype" surrounding adoption and reunions with bio-parents - the happy stories and the sad stories - was that fewer than 2% of adopted children actually bother to seek out their first parents!

I truly wish you every success in your quest, that you find your son easily, that you develop a relationship with him and everything goes well. To give you some insight, here are some links:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lesli-john...

http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2009/05/...

http://adoption.about.com/u/ua/searchand...

Debi Garcia - posted on 11/30/2013

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Well, it was nice of you to respond, thank you for doing so. But if you were trying to discourage me, you certainly did a wonderful job. And it you weren't, well I guess you unintentionally sounded extremely discouraging, more so than I have ever heard from anyone on the subject. All I can say is, that maybe this subject meant something to you or someone you know. Its certainly resfreshing to hear the other side on any subject, but this was all out "the worst possible" case scenario, and I hope and pray you are not this way with everyone in your life.

Angela - posted on 11/30/2013

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I read somewhere recently that only 2% of all adopted children actually trace their biological parents. This suggests that 98% are happy to leave things as they are, or that they don't want to "hurt" their adoptive parents. There are also a great many children who go into the system to be adopted due to some failure on the part of their birth parents. So generally they would rather not know the history of this (it might be neglect, cruelty, abuse etc .... or it might just be the inability of a parent to cope with no negative behaviour involved at all) so the children involved choose NOT to explore this and just continue as they are.

Every individual who is NOT adopted can't understand this. Because we have been brought up by our own, natural birth parents, we just can't envisage having parents whom we've never met and know nothing about. Therefore we imagine that if we WERE adopted, we would HAVE to know our origins and find out about our true, biological parents. So that's why we all imagine that most adopted people DO trace their parents - or attempt to. But the fact is - mostly - they don't!

You have no idea what any Social Workers have written about you in their reports. It might not be positive - or it might be! Back when you gave birth, DNA testing wasn't available at all. Had your child been born some 13 or so years later, you could have PROVEN who his father was as there was some access to DNA testing about 13 years after your child's birth. But it was a family member so in the circumstances do you think your mother would have allowed you to keep your baby in any case? Had you proven paternity via DNA, you may have been looking for a new home for yourself, never mind for your baby!

Now how do you feel your child (albeit he's now a grown man of 41) is going to take it that he owes his very existence to the incestuous rape of an underage girl? Are his adoptive parents still alive? Is his biological father still alive?

Of course, you may decide not to share all of this information with him. But if he IS willing to see you and meet you he will very likely have questions for you. Could you lie to him to save his feelings? Would it be right to lie to him?

I know of people who are adopted and of normal, capable intelligence, who hold down jobs and are quite competent and adequate in all areas of their life. Such people who have gone about tracing a birth parent and found them to be:

a) learning disabled OR
b) having a psychiatric illness OR
c) being an alcoholic.

In every case the child(ren) were taken away because of the parent's illness or condition. NOT because the parent was guilty of abuse, cruelty, neglect etc ..... These grown-up children, despite having compassion for the condition of their mother (or father) were terribly embarrassed and very ashamed of their parents. As well as ashamed of their own feelings. They couldn't really do anything to help them and felt they'd made things worse by turning up in their lives. Their universal comment was "I should've just left things as they were - I'd rather not have known ...."

What about your other children? Do they get to know? And what about your grandchildren - those of your children that you raised AND those from your son who was adopted.

Please do not think that for one moment I want to discourage you from making contact with your child. I just want you to consider all the implications and ramifications before you go ahead.

Good luck.

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