Birthday

Christina - posted on 10/16/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My 23 year old son who lives with me and my husband did not call on my birthday,(was with his friends) does not clean after himself most of the time, no job and always sleeps in. I feel so frustrated with him and of defending him to my husband. I feel angry with myself for letting this go so far. I don't want to fight with him again. I kind of feel crushed that he is so unappreciative of everything we do for him. Any suggestions besides the obvious.

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Kathleen Sue - posted on 10/16/2013

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Well Christina,I read Shawns response and have to say that I agree with her assessment and solution. There is NEVER a time when disrespect for you or what you are providing is ok. You are enabling him to do what he is doing and only you can stop it.
My stepdaughter was still living at home,at 28, had one child, got pregnant again, had no job and wouldn't look for one....just slept all day, and asked for gas money to go places.It took a few months,some threats that I would leave my new husband and the situation that why should I work and support the family at 69 while SHE slept all day.Papa had a real difficult time with the process, which lasted several months, but after almost a year now,I am proud to say that she is finally the adult she should have been.She has completed rehab (for drug addiction), has just moved into her own apt., has both children with her, and we now enjoy a happy and healthy relationship with them all.
She NOW understands all that I said and did...that it was for her, not against her. It was rough...I thought I would really lose my marriage over this.It means tough love!!! It will be hard,you will cry many tears. But really, don't you already know that it is needed? You must...or why do you have to defend him to your husband?
DO what Shawn says...TODAY!!! Help him to grow up.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/16/2013

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well, this is (to me) obvious, but...

Why is he still living at home, at the age of 23, when he's got no ambition, is not contributing to the household, is not maintaining the household, and is not appreciative of the home that he's got?

Set some rules. Set some limits. Stick to them. The first being "Son, I love you, but you have 30 days to find a job. Once you find a job, you then have 60 days to find an apartment. Until then, (once you find a job) you will pay $$ towards your room and board, and you will do daily chores around the house to help with the upkeep."

Then, when the crying, whining, bitching & moaning start, you can tell him exactly how his life at home is going to be from now on. No internet in his room (unless he pays), no television, phone, car, laundry (unless he pays) No automatic diner service...

Quit enabling him to be lazy and unappreciative. Stand your ground, and take your house back. Its going to be tough, and you'll have to be a bitch.

I never had to push my kid out the door. He just knew that there'd come a time when he didn't want to live at home (and could afford to move out). He's 19, working full time, getting geared up for Uni, and comes home once or twice a week to do laundry and catch up with the family. No, I wasn't bitchy with him when he lived at home, but there comes a time when the kid feels restricted, the parents feel helpless, and no one knows how to fix it (or so it seems). We didn't let it get to that point. From the day he graduated, we set a mutual goal of him being self sufficient.

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Dove - posted on 10/16/2013

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Shawnn is right... the only realistic answer that will help him IS the obvious. Hold him accountable for his actions. Lay down some ground rules of respect and cleaning up after himself, charge him rent, or show him the door. Tough love is the best love sometimes.

Granted, I lived at home with no job until I got married, but I also cooked, cleaned, and was extremely respectful to my parents.

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