Blended family blues

Cheroldine - posted on 09/21/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone,
I am new here and i would really like to get an opinion on this issue that i have.
My boyfriend and i have been dating since the beginning of 2013. He has 2 kids (9 yo girl and 6yo boy) from 2 previous relationships, i have a 5 year old girl from my previous relationship and we have 10 month old baby together. We live together with all our girls, we get to see the boy for 2 weekends and a week each month. He is a great guy, amazing actually. He loves me like i have never been loved before, he provides for me and takes very good care of our family.

The problem is with our kids. My daughter only sees her dad about once a year, usually over Chirstmas holidays. He lives in another country. So when she comes back from her dad she has new everything, clothes, toys etc. I ensure that i make it clear that its both their toys, etc. I cannot do that with clothes as my boyfriends daughter is older and cannot fit into my daughters clothes. My daughters father also pays for her school which is about $400 a month, and i dont ask him for anything else. My boyfriends daughters mom recently lost her job, and sees her at most 2 weekends a month, and hardly does anything for her child. My boyfriend does everything.

Now, my boyfriend feels like my daughter is getting more than his own child, as he is the one taking care of my daughter as well, but when it comes to things like clothes, my daughter always has more because of her dad always buys for her. But i feel that we have absolutely no control over what the other parents buy for our kids, and that we must practice equality in OUR house. For instance, if we buy one something, the other one must also get, but this makes my boyfriend feel like my daughter will always have more.

Am i being unrealistic?
Is there somebody in a similar situation?

3 Comments

View replies by

Suzy - posted on 09/23/2016

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I understand your dilemma as I was in the same situation where I had three boys and my husband had two girls and a boy. We raised all six together basically. Yes, you must try to keep everything equal, but only within your own household. You have no control over what your daughter's father does for her and she should not be required to 'give any' of that away to the other children. If your husband's ex was giving things to his daughter, would you feel the same way and think that your children weren't getting equal. I don't think so. I had the opposite situation where I was providing for my children for school clothes, supplies, etc. and my husband paid an enormous amount of support for his children but the ex-wife wasn't buying school clothes, books, etc. and we had the kids half of the time. I made it equal and went ahead and got her the same things as my kids. I couldn't stand to see her go without even though we had already provided support money to do just that. The best you can communicate, the better your relationship will be. I would sit down and explain to him that you have no control and that he needs to understand that.

Suzy

Mommyof4 - posted on 09/21/2016

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Unfortunately that is a part of having a split family. I have been divorced and am now remarried, my husband and I have 4 children ,. he has two sons and I have a daughter and a son. We go through this as the mother of my step children buys them things and takes them places all the time.. so we are used to this, same as my ex whom has my kids and does the same on his time. You cannot control what the other parent does, and you cannot lack your daughters fathers things for her because your other children arent getting as much. That is her father that is treating her to all these goodies, and you are treating the kids equal. They will understand as they get older that its her daddy that does these things for her.. the other children will not feel angry towards you as it is not you guys that are spoiling her any extra. It is great that her father is helping as much as he can with living out of state,. he could live there and have joint custody and take her places all the time for her to tell her siblings all the fun things she does with daddy. Thats what we go through but its fine, the kids do things with us and the other parent. Its been 4 years and our kids are used to it

Ev - posted on 09/21/2016

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No, you are not unrealistic but your BF has to understand that her dad is going to get her things when he has her and send them home. But taking your daughter's things from dad and making it both their toys is not fair either. Her dad bought them for her. She can learn to share them. Do not make something her dad gets her "everyones". Your boyfriend is going to have to learn that not everything is going to be equal outside your home.

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