blended family, frustrated w/ husband on adding a baby to the family

Laura - posted on 12/08/2015 ( 11 moms have responded )

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A little background:
This is my second marriage. I am 35, husband is 43. We have been together for 3.5 years, married for a little over a year. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, ages 13 and 9. He has 1 daughter from a previous marriage, age 12.
We have definitely had ours ups and downs in blending our family together, especially concerning my husband and my son, but in all, we are a strong family unit.
My husband and I never really talked about having a child of our own, but in the very beginning of our relationship, his mother made a comment to me saying, "I hope you are ok with not having any more kids, he thinks he is too old to have any more" (he was 41 at the time, 43 now). I told her I was ok with that, because at the time, that was not on my mind. My main concern was making our family work and focussing on the 3 kids we have.
A little over a year ago, out of the blue, my husband asks me what I thought about having a baby of our own. I told him what his mother had told me, and he said "I never said that", and that he would like to consider it and asked me how I felt.
I told him that I was open to the idea, and I got a little excited over the fact that we might have one of our own one day. He said he needed more time to think about it, and if everything went smoothly over the next year, then we would re-evaluate and make a decision. I was ok with that, and I made sure to respect his decision to think on it and left it at that.
Over the that year, he would jokingly make comments here and there about wanting a baby...he seemed to be all for the idea, but then in the same moment, he would say that it wasn't a good idea. Basically, he would go back and forth. It was like him dangling a carrot in front of me. Getting me excited about the idea, and then backing off and saying "No". My sister just had a baby a few months ago, and he was around her baby one evening at a family get together. When I had left the room, he had told her that he really wanted a baby. She told me this and told me that I needed to talk to him about it again.
His "year to think" was up in November, so I brought it up and asked him where he was at with the idea. He still couldn't give me and answer ,and I have to add, that every time he did say "No" to the idea, it would be a totally different reason as to why not. After talking and getting nowhere, he said, "give me one more week".
His week was up, and so I asked him, and he said "I need a time out".
At that point, I was so frustrated. He knew what he said had bothered me, and said, "if you want a baby, we can have a baby" and began joking about baby names, but then started listing off the negatives as to why it was a bad idea. Very contradictory and confusing to me. Again, back and forth on the idea.
The next morning, I texted him, and was very blunt with him, but also very reassuring a comforting, as I thought that maybe he was just scared.
He completely ignored my text and didn't say a word about it.
At that point, I was mad. I didn't feel like I deserved to be ignored and brushed off. (he has done this in the past when he doesn't want to talk about something,like my feeling do not matter)
So, basically he finally told me "No, I do not think that we should have a baby"
and that was that.

After thinking that this was going to be a strong possibility, I feel so let down.
A strong part of me really wants to share a baby and a pregnancy with him and I am so sad that he does not feel the same way. Don't get me wrong, I feel so blessed to have my 2 kids and his daughter, and I feel selfish for thinking this way, but I do.
All 3 of our kids have made comments on their own that they wish that we whould have a baby.
They all are very open to the idea.
Right now, I am angry, because I feel that my reasons for wanting a baby are just as valid as his reasons for not wanting one, but he has never wanted to hear those. He seems to think he has authority over the entire situation.
I told him that I am sad, and that I am sure I will get over it, but it will just take a little time.
He knows this, but he is now acting like everything is perfectly fine, even when it's clearly not with me.
I feel like he doesn't care how is lack of communication, his constant going back and forth, and his failure to hear my reasons are affecting me. He made the decision for us both and that's it.
I guess my question(s) is this:
Should I hold on the the possibility of him changing his mind?
Should I try to talk to him more?
How can I get past this feeling of longing for a baby of our own?
Am I justified in being upset or am I totally overreacting?
I am really struggling with so many feelings right now.

Thank you in advance.

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Raye - posted on 12/08/2015

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So, let me just see if I have this right... You were ok with not having a child together. Then he said it might be a possibility and got your hopes up. Then he decided he didn't want one after all. Right?

So the outcome is the same... that you won't be having a baby together. There shouldn't be anything to be mad about. Are you wrong for being upset, not exactly, because you just feel that way you feel. Could it have been handled differently, sure. But it wasn't. You knew the answer could be no, and so you should have had better control of your emotions. Don't hold out the possibility of him changing his mind, because then you'll be disappointed again, and that time it wouldn't be any of his fault. Yes, he can just decide for the both of you. As Jodi said, there can't be a compromise on a decision like that (except maybe you get a dog). A baby is an all-or-nothing decision. If he really doesn't want one, then to talk him into it (or trick him into it) would be a bad move. He may end up resenting you and/or resenting the child. And no child should have to carry that burden.

Sarah - posted on 12/09/2015

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Your feelings are hurt and your disappointed. Those are both perfectly fine. They are your feelings and you are entitled to feel the way you feel. Everyone else is right, the outcome is the same whether it had been you or him to choose not to have a baby. The desire to have a child with him will pass. Try to focus on the positive parts of your family and move forward.

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Laura - posted on 12/08/2015

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Thanks. I'd never consider tricking him into it. That isn't even on the table.

Laura - posted on 12/08/2015

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My reasons for wanting one are simple...
Just as many couples...you fall in love, you share a life, you want one of your own together ...you want to share that experience from start to finish... your own kids make comments about wanting additional siblings as well. You personally see the positive reasons outweighing the negatives. And I'm not saying my husband has to agree with these.
I just don't seem to understand why even when thinking it over during the time he needed, he seemed to be SO for it, even going as far as to tell my family members that he wanted one with me, and then to just be so against it the next minute.
I know you will say it's bc I put pressure on him, but I guarantee you, I have been patient and understanding, the only time I got frustrated was when he said "time out" after asking me to check back with him in a week. I expected a little more communication to see what was going on in his mind. The failure of communication is what has left me feeling frustrated.

Jodi - posted on 12/08/2015

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Neither of you seemed to handle it particularly well, to be honest.

I get that your reasons for wanting a baby are just as valid as his for not wanting one. But if he has decided he just doesn't want a baby, then your reasons are quite frankly irrelevant. You can't talk a person into having a baby based on your reasons why you want one if they have already decided they don't want one. When you guys married, it wasn't an issue of discussion, so he has every right to maintain that stance.

Can I just make the point that nowhere in your post have you pointed out reasons why you want a baby so much (when it didn't really bother you when you married) other than that your clock is ticking.

Laura - posted on 12/08/2015

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you are right - it's not about who is wrong and who is right, I feel like it is more about how the situation was handled, and that's why I am frustrated,
as I stated before, my reasons for wanting a baby with him are just as valid as him NOT wanting a baby,(whether they are wrong or right), they needed to be taken into consideration so we can make the decision together. Him not even hearing me out is what has me the most frustrated.

Jodi - posted on 12/08/2015

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Oh, I'm not denying you brought it up gently, but when he asked for a time out (again), you kept at him. You didn't GIVE him that time out. Stop trying to make yourself in the right and him in the wrong. It doesn't matter. He doesn't want the baby. You need to find a way to accept it and not be angry at him about that. If the situation were reversed, you would expect him to accept your decision. Does it really matter who is right and wrong here?

Laura - posted on 12/08/2015

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I hear what you are saying.

But, all during that entire year, there was no pressure what-so-ever put on him. Even when he would make comments here and there about wanting a baby, like when he would see one at the grocery store or whatever, I said nothing.
HE was the one that was putting TIME LIMITS on the situation, not me. It's only fair, when that year was up, to gently bring it up again to see where he was, and that's precisely what I did.
I also explained to him that I was 35 years old and time is not exactly on my side, and when he first brought the topic up for discussion, he agreed - that we needed to make a decision.
When he said he needed a week, I agreed, and said that was perfectly fine. I gave him that week, not saying a word. Am I not supposed to bring it up when HE was the one that told me he needed a week, and to ask him again at the end of that week?
I do not feel like I have pressured him at all, especially when he was the one who originally brought up wanting a baby in the first place.

Jodi - posted on 12/08/2015

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I think what concerns me here, is that you say "He made the decision for us both and that's it." a What did you think was going to happen if one of you decided you didn't want a baby? Let's say you decided you didn't want one. Wouldn't you be making the decision for both of you and that's it? This is not one of those decisions you can just compromise on. You either want a baby or you don't, and the other party shouldn't have to just agree to it because one party wants it. It's a big decision. Especially at his age, because he KNOWS he will be supporting that child well into his 60s. It's a scary prospect.

The way in which you pressure him into this is a little inappropriate. I know he said let's give it a year, but when your year was up and he asked for time out, you didn't give it to him. You hounded him and hounded him about it. Do you not think that's when he REALLY decided? If he was asking for time out, he was really asking for more time to think. At this point, you needed to respect that.

I agree that counselling is necessary if you can't find away to accept his choice peacefully. But maybe it should be counselling for you; to help you resolve the anger you feel about the decision.

Laura - posted on 12/08/2015

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I agree, but getting him to actually go to counseling is a whole different story. I do not think he would go, as the decision has been made, at least in his mind.
We have been to family counseling in the past in dealing with other issues regarding my son and him and he stopped going because "the problem was not with him"

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/08/2015

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Probably needs to be discussed through counseling, etc, rather than text messages...

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