Laura - posted on 12/08/2015 ( 11 moms have responded )
A little background:
This is my second marriage. I am 35, husband is 43. We have been together for 3.5 years, married for a little over a year. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, ages 13 and 9. He has 1 daughter from a previous marriage, age 12.
We have definitely had ours ups and downs in blending our family together, especially concerning my husband and my son, but in all, we are a strong family unit.
My husband and I never really talked about having a child of our own, but in the very beginning of our relationship, his mother made a comment to me saying, "I hope you are ok with not having any more kids, he thinks he is too old to have any more" (he was 41 at the time, 43 now). I told her I was ok with that, because at the time, that was not on my mind. My main concern was making our family work and focussing on the 3 kids we have.
A little over a year ago, out of the blue, my husband asks me what I thought about having a baby of our own. I told him what his mother had told me, and he said "I never said that", and that he would like to consider it and asked me how I felt.
I told him that I was open to the idea, and I got a little excited over the fact that we might have one of our own one day. He said he needed more time to think about it, and if everything went smoothly over the next year, then we would re-evaluate and make a decision. I was ok with that, and I made sure to respect his decision to think on it and left it at that.
Over the that year, he would jokingly make comments here and there about wanting a baby...he seemed to be all for the idea, but then in the same moment, he would say that it wasn't a good idea. Basically, he would go back and forth. It was like him dangling a carrot in front of me. Getting me excited about the idea, and then backing off and saying "No". My sister just had a baby a few months ago, and he was around her baby one evening at a family get together. When I had left the room, he had told her that he really wanted a baby. She told me this and told me that I needed to talk to him about it again.
His "year to think" was up in November, so I brought it up and asked him where he was at with the idea. He still couldn't give me and answer ,and I have to add, that every time he did say "No" to the idea, it would be a totally different reason as to why not. After talking and getting nowhere, he said, "give me one more week".
His week was up, and so I asked him, and he said "I need a time out".
At that point, I was so frustrated. He knew what he said had bothered me, and said, "if you want a baby, we can have a baby" and began joking about baby names, but then started listing off the negatives as to why it was a bad idea. Very contradictory and confusing to me. Again, back and forth on the idea.
The next morning, I texted him, and was very blunt with him, but also very reassuring a comforting, as I thought that maybe he was just scared.
He completely ignored my text and didn't say a word about it.
At that point, I was mad. I didn't feel like I deserved to be ignored and brushed off. (he has done this in the past when he doesn't want to talk about something,like my feeling do not matter)
So, basically he finally told me "No, I do not think that we should have a baby"
and that was that.
After thinking that this was going to be a strong possibility, I feel so let down.
A strong part of me really wants to share a baby and a pregnancy with him and I am so sad that he does not feel the same way. Don't get me wrong, I feel so blessed to have my 2 kids and his daughter, and I feel selfish for thinking this way, but I do.
All 3 of our kids have made comments on their own that they wish that we whould have a baby.
They all are very open to the idea.
Right now, I am angry, because I feel that my reasons for wanting a baby are just as valid as his reasons for not wanting one, but he has never wanted to hear those. He seems to think he has authority over the entire situation.
I told him that I am sad, and that I am sure I will get over it, but it will just take a little time.
He knows this, but he is now acting like everything is perfectly fine, even when it's clearly not with me.
I feel like he doesn't care how is lack of communication, his constant going back and forth, and his failure to hear my reasons are affecting me. He made the decision for us both and that's it.
I guess my question(s) is this:
Should I hold on the the possibility of him changing his mind?
Should I try to talk to him more?
How can I get past this feeling of longing for a baby of our own?
Am I justified in being upset or am I totally overreacting?
I am really struggling with so many feelings right now.
Thank you in advance.