Blended family , multiple children, manipulative and controlling ex wife giving gifts etc.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/05/2014

13,264

21

2015

Even in perfectly blended families, each child needs alone time with their parent. Each set of children needs alone time with their biological parent.

In my family (not blended, bio parents married over 24 years and continuing), we don't even spend all of our time together. At times I will take one son whilst hubby has the other for different activities or reasons. At times, both will hang out with dad, other times both will hang out with me.

The point is, each kid will still need alone time, and each biological group will need separate time together as well.

Leela - posted on 09/05/2014

222

0

30

I agree that blended families are tough, but isn't love worth it? I know that sounds naive but deep in each of our hearts is this need to be loved and accepted. Throw away the image in your mind of the perfect family - it doesn't exist. Families consist of imperfect people and therefore cannot be perfect. You are fighting to create a family when the reality is that these types of relationships etc often happen organically and over time. How long??? I don't know. Sometimes never but many times if you don't force it then soon enough. You are fighting so many battles, how are you breathing right now? Let go of what you cannot change. Realize that your bf is putting in the time to make his kids happy. That doesn't mean he doesn't love yours - it just means that he understands that this is difficult for them and it is his responsibility to keep them happy and stable. As for you - what are you thinking with regards to your kids??? You're trying to prove that you love his kids by neglecting your own??? I would hate to think about how your kids feel right now. His kids have a mother and you are not her. It's very possible that your bf and his kids feel like you are trying to take her place and as such this is why they are moving as they are. As for your kids - what's the message - mom's bf and kids are more important than us? I think you want this to work so badly that you are pushing your way on everyone and in the process making yourself very unhappy. You sound like a very loving person who has a lot to give. Start by giving yourself a break from unrealistic expectations. Realize that your kids need that attention and love and should be second place to no one. Understand that fighting every fight is just going to drain you and not every battle needs to be fought.

Ev - posted on 09/04/2014

8,006

7

918

Then my advice as the ex wife who has seen her own children beg and plead with their father to spend time alone, is to maybe set up some time for him to spend alone with his kids when they are with you guys. Explain to your kids that they need that time alone to bond or what you think a reasonable explanation is for their ages. You have to stop and realize that blending families are hard and take a lot of work no matter how good the parents get along.. You have to try and work it out. If one of the parents is unwilling then there is not much you can do but to talk to your BF about how it makes you feel. But I would not be talking to his ex wife anymore because it is something he has to handle.

Ev - posted on 09/04/2014

8,006

7

918

I can understand what you are trying to do in this blended family unit. But I do not see a problem with her getting gifts for the kids' dad as if its for a day trip as you said, it is time those kids can have with their father alone. They all need one on one time. I do not see how every now and again its detrimental to what you two are trying to do with the kids. My own kids have begged their father to spend even an hour alone with them but he would not do it because he wanted to include the step kids and step mom. He could have just taken them on a walk alone to give them time with just him as they spent a lot of their time in the family unit. As for gifts for holidays or birthdays, that should be handled with care. If the parents are in agreement to purchase a gift the kids select for the mom or dad, then that should be allowed on their part. Do your kids have their father in their lives?

I think that the kids do need some alone time with their dad. It has nothing to do with you or your kids or is meant to make them feel bad. Mom wants to be sure that her children get some time with their dad and this may be one way she does this. But what he and she decide for their children a lot of the times is not something you can comment on. If there are court orders set in place they have to follow them. She does not have to provide a day trip that includes your kids and you because she is trying to help dad have time with only his kids.

And she is right about you dealing with her--its between them about their kids. You have no legal say in what goes on and how it happens. You are not yet married to dad even though you have taken on the role of living together as a family unit.

I think you need to reevaluate things a bit. Sometimes stepping out of the box is the best way to see things in a different light.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

16 Comments

View replies by

Leela - posted on 09/07/2014

222

0

30

You really are hating on the wrong person. Bio mom can't 'enforce' a big man to do day trips etc. HE is making these choices because he wants to. She has no obligation to you or your children. You do sound entitled when you write and it may come across to them as well.There is nothing to stop you all from buying extra tickets etc so the whole family can go. But by him deciding to go alone he's sending you a message - and you don't want to hear it. At this point you are the gf, not the wife. Yes you are living together but still you are the gf. Your relationship has some deep problems and instead of recognizing that and working on it with your bf, you are blaming a 3rd party. She can do whatever she wants but if your relationship is strong enough it won't matter. Obviously your relationship isn't but you have very high, perhaps unrealistic expectations about it. You are also in the middle of a divorce. Perhaps holding on to this relationship gives you comfort while you go through that. Either way you sound like you are pumping your entire self into this relationship which doesn't seem to be the same with your bf. Please read Shawn and Evelyn's posts. They can really help.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/05/2014

13,264

21

2015

Perhaps the children are not mentioning this in front of YOU, but they may be mentioning it to their mother, father, or both.

The point remains. If it's a special day for the kids, then they should be able to spend it with their father, if that is what they desire. You, at this point, are a girlfriend, nothing more. You don't have any standing in the biological relationship between your boyfriend and his kids. If his ex is paying the expenses, she is only going to pay for her biological kids, and their father. She shouldn't be expected to foot the bill for you and your kids as well. Especially since you state that you 'want to celebrate special days as a family'...are you inviting HER? She's part of their family...

If you want to make a special event for the same occasion, plan it as a separate event. When we blended with my step dad & brother, we all understood that some times it was just going to be Pop and brother, with his ex. And we had days where we'd spend it specifically with my dad, sans youngest (step) brother. Its to be expected. If both biological parents are involved with their children, it's not unreasonable.

Leela - posted on 09/05/2014

222

0

30

Hi I agree with Evelyn's comments. This topic is particularly interesting as my ex recently tried to blend families. We have a 10 yr old together. My son loves playing with the other kids, the problem was he didn't feel like he got alone time with dad and after a while he got upset etc. He refused to talk to my ex about it and asked me to get involved. Fortunately my ex understood but it was a hard road at the beginning.
I understand and congratulate you on trying to blend your family. You are obviously very committed to making this work. That said you can't make this work by yourself. I get the impression that you are somewhat insecure in this relationship because of what happened in the past. Due to this history I would keep all communication strictly between yourself and your bf. You do not need to be in contact with his ex.
Additionally, you need to recognize that even 'normal' families do not do everything together. There are times when your kids will want alone time too. Your bf by accepting these gifts is basically saying I want to do this. He doesn't have to use them. If she says he's a bad father, well she's entitled to her opinion. That's something he has to deal with.
My advice - step back, breathe and refocus.

Ev - posted on 09/04/2014

8,006

7

918

And some people love the drama that they make and love how the after affects come to light. I would avoid her and only voice my opinions to him and any other things you might want to say. Unless she can be civil with you, I would just avoid her. I always tried to talk to the women that have been the step moms to my kids. Both times they just did not want much to do with me and the current one seems to think she has the right to overstep the bounds that are up to me and their dad. I did not do what your BF's ex has done to make sure the kids had a relationship with their dad but I have told my ex and his wife how things would be when she wanted it to go her way and she had no right to even ask that. I am polite at best around her. My kids do not like her anymore and one of them never did get along with her ever. But then again unlike you who has gone out of the way to make all the kids feel equal, this woman never tried.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms