Bonus Mom needs advice

Kkjj - posted on 11/24/2014 ( 17 moms have responded )

15

0

1

I am a soon to be step-mom and love all of his, mine and our children equally. My fiancé's ex is extremely bitter and keeps dragging my name into there court hearings with no evidence of her false claims. This time I asked a question on how much the kids weighed at birth and she didn't respond and then the kids asked me if I found out what the weight was and let them know I didn't get a response, so one child ask her and she blew up, talking about how I am using the children to communicate to her. Is there a way to go to the court hearing and tell my side or write a letter maybe stating that I will lose her number and never text her again?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Susan - posted on 11/24/2014

7

11

1

First off...please don't be offended by anything I am about to say....it is not personal and it doesn't matter how much the children love you and you love them, what I am about to say is of importance. I am both a divorced mother and my husband has a daughter.

I am also a Family Law Mediator and Parenting Coordinator and work with high conflict families of divorce.

First, you are not a bonus mom, you are their fathers girlfriend, then you will be their fathers wife. This is a great thing. Children cannot have too many people who love them. But remember your place.

If there is not already a good relationship between you and mom, it is irrelevant why or if it is rational, then you should not be communicating with her. If you do communicate with her and she doesn't respond, why are you telling the children? Why do they know you are contacting her? why are you contacting her?

They can ask her themselves, as they have shown. But now it is conflict because you put yourself in the middle of it. I don't assume that dad did or did not know or ask you to, it is not relevant either. You should not be contacting mom.

Do not take any firsts away from mom. Do not take them for their first bra shopping expedition, manicure, bike ride...I don't know their age or sex so im winging it but you get the idea.

Mom needs to lash out and you are making yourself and easy target. Slip in to the background until the legal dust has settled..

17 Comments

View replies by

Kkjj - posted on 01/17/2015

15

0

1

Thanks Susan I have and it has worked. but just wish we could all get along for the sake of the children...That's all

Jodi - posted on 11/29/2014

3,562

36

3907

I have a healthy relationship with the bio mothers of my step children too. But I've been around long enough, and seen enough, to know that this isn't always the case.

And yes, need to know questions are ones that would have an impact on the child if you didn't know. But if the relationship was tense between bio and step mums, I'd leave that one to dad. Because really, let's face it, dad SHOULD know the answers to those need to know questions anyway, and if he doesn't he needs a foot up the backside with regard to his parenting.

Mommabird - posted on 11/29/2014

280

0

33

Point taken. I guess we can just agree to disagree. I guess Im lucky the bio mom and I have a healthy relationship. Therefore I have a different perspective than ya'll do.
Like you said- in Kkjj's situation, the bio mom clearly isnt ready to get along no matter how hard she tries. She obviously had anomosity before the question was asked. and i agree on one thing....if i knew the bio mom hated me i definately wouldnt be asking her anything, id have the father ask. But then again if shes bitter towards both of them i guess its a losing battle with her.

In reference to your comment about asking info she doesnt NEED to know...i would guess NEED TO KNOW questions would be "Are they allergic to anything" and etc.

Jodi - posted on 11/29/2014

3,562

36

3907

Noone is suggesting you shouldn't get along. Yes, you should get along for the sake of the children, but clearly this mother isn't prepared to, so you just need to stay right out of it.

To Charlotte, if someone asked me this information it wouldn't bother me. But I'll be honest with you, I have no clue of the weights of my step children when they were born. It's irrelevant to my relationship with them now. It isn't my business. However, I know I could ask any time and get an answer from their mothers. In this case, however, there is clearly a bio mother that has an issue with the step mother, so why push it over a piece of information you don't NEED to know? Or, maybe, instead of antagonising the bio mother, get dad to ask.

For the record, I am also a step mother and have been for 12 years.

Ev - posted on 11/29/2014

8,005

7

918

Irregardless of all this, parents should get along for the kids. But if an issue, even a small one, can cause a lot of turmoil in a family unit no matter what that unit is comprised of. So why push the case any further than one should have too? If someone wants to know something about the kids at birth and get some sort of answer close to what they want that may be all they get. If the kids want to know more then they could ask their mother.

Mommabird - posted on 11/29/2014

280

0

33

Since some of you think its irrelevant to a step mother to know the birth weight i wonder what your response is to others who might ask YOU this information ?? An aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, or even a sibling. Sometimes people are interested in that memorable moment for different reasons...so I guess if anyone asks how much your children weighed or when they were born you tell them its not their business.
All ya'll are doing is rubbing salt into the wound here. Sounds like you all are just trying to antagonize her. If this were my post and people were insisting on ignoring your reasoning like its THEIR life, I would lock this post where its closed for discussion.
I AM a step mom so if you ever need advice or someones perspective youre welcome to message me anytime. Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving!

Kkjj - posted on 11/28/2014

15

0

1

As I said before I didn't want to go on and on about all the details, but here you go cause you ladys sound just like she does.....IT WAS FOR A VIDEO OF THE CHILDREN!!!!! I did ask dad and he only knew the pounds, I even asked aunts and the grandma and they only knew the pounds, but I figured mom would know actual ounces. When asked she did not respond so I left it at that. But then the kids came back and they saw me making the movie and they were interested how much they weighed as well. That's when the daughter wanted to ask her mom and when she did she told her to have me pay to get there birth records, then she blew up and started saying I'm talking through her child. I am a mom of my own children and one of his and a step of hers, I think we should all get along for the sake of the kids. Is that so hard, I have nothing to do with their past life, always keep myself out of mom and dads decisions and been in their children's life's for 8 years. I think it's time to get over it don't you think? It would be better for the kids to just get along

Ev - posted on 11/28/2014

8,005

7

918

I tend to agree with Jodi. I am not a step mom but I do have a lot of friends that are and have seen them with their children and step children. I do not why one of them would as questions like this one. They are happy with how things are with their step kids. Also coming from a birth mom, I hardly find it necessary for a step mother to know what my kids weight and lengths were at birth. The women who have been step moms to my children were not around back then and did not know us for one thing. For another its not relevant to the relationships. The current step mom has tried to wiggle her way into things where my kids were concerned that I and their father had to deal with. She had no say. Also at certain times she acted as though she knew my kids as well as I did. At that point she had only been in the picture a couple of years. And though my kids lived at dad's house most of the time for school and other reasons I won't get into (message me if you want to know why) other than it was joint custody agreed on, that did not make her an expert on my kids. She had also tried to act like they are a big part of her life in public and I have seen this and I have also seen how she treats them when not in public. Its like she is two different women herself. Its been some years now and she has learned not to say much when he and I discuss the kids. I guess the bottom line is this there are a lot of things that are not relevant to a relationship like birth weight and other things of this nature. If this bonus mom had approached an idea with dad about the book in the first place and asked him the birth weights of the kids instead of doing it how she did, she would not have had the flack.

Jodi - posted on 11/27/2014

3,562

36

3907

Actually, it really isn't relevant to a step parent. That doesn't mean it should be anything to get upset about, but really, as a step-parent, I don't NEED to know how much my step-children weighed at birth. I might WANT to know, but it is irrelevant to my relationship with them. Besides the fact that in this case, the children are clearly old enough to ask their mother themselves.

Mommabird - posted on 11/27/2014

280

0

33

I disagree with Jodi on one thing....In no way, shape or form is asking their measurements at birth irrelevant to you. Neither I or my stepdaughters' mother think its anything to be upset over. Actually she said the only reason she would get upset for ANYONE asking their birth weight is if they were very underweight when they were born which would make her feel bad as a mother. Maybe thats the case here...i dont know. But with the info youve given to us, you are not a bad person or out of line for asking that information. Some people dont even write that stuff in their baby book or even remember so kudos to you for wanting to know and make a memory out of it!

Jodi - posted on 11/27/2014

3,562

36

3907

I'm not sure why you felt the need to ask how much the children weighed at birth if you know she doesn't like you. It's irrelevant to your role as a step parent. If the kids asked you, your response should have been something along the lines of "I'm not sure, you'd have to ask your mum or dad" and left it at that. But unless it was the kids wanting to know, your question to the mother was totally irrelevant. And if it wasn't because the kids were asking, you kind of were using them to get the response.

Kkjj - posted on 11/27/2014

15

0

1

Thank you Charlotte for that comment...Right on point of what I was getting at..We used to talk like that, but she ran off with the kids and my fiancé had to fight to get them back. Maybe that is why she is so angry. I guess I just see the good in everyone no matter what the situation. I was thinkin about telling her about the video and if she would had liked a copy (To maybe break the ice between us) but then she blew up and now she is putting my name into their court papers again. This is a petty thing to go to court about.

Mommabird - posted on 11/26/2014

280

0

33

This subject is very close to my heart so I wanted to give my input. I am a step mom to twin girls. Our situation is not very common and I think we all do a good job with parenting/ co-parenting. My husband and the twins' mother had a one night stand and she got pregnant. so there was no relationship or drama from the beginning. We all communicate pretty well and get along because none of us undermine or criticize the other about parenting.(As long as there is no type of abuse going on,of course). But even then, we know how to communicate without causing any conflict. Its not about whos the better parent, who does more for them, or where our place is in their life. I know and accept that THEY are the Parents and I am the step mom. Although SHE is the one who calls me as their Bonus Mom. So obviously we have respect for each other and in our situation it is very important that we keep it that way. I guess no matter what the situation is my advice to anyone is just to have respect for each others feelings and their role in things. Its not a competition, its innocent lives that were all raising together.
In regards to your situation though, wanting to know their birth weight isnt really something she should be upset about so there must be more to it, on her side. If she doesnt like you and wants nothing to do with you Thats Ok. Let it go and as long as your good to the kids she will eventually see theres nothing to hate you for. Give her time. Definately dont put the kids in the middle of conflict. Just be there for them and she will eventually appreciate you for it. In my opinion maybe it hurt her feelings that you were doing the video(like moms often do) so maybe next time include her in it. Add a few photos of her and the kids then give her a copy. Thats what I have done several times and i got nothing but sweet words of thanks for it from their mother. To her, it was a gesture to let her know I respect her as their mother and Im going out of my way to remind her.

Kkjj - posted on 11/25/2014

15

0

1

Good point and Thanks..That settles it... I will and as I have in the past. I just get tired of it when I try my hardest to stay out of their business and am not a women like that you have explained...That was the whole point I never put my cents into what happens with the children and never get into there decisions on their children but yet I'm still the devil to her. I'll suck it up and never ever think again there would be any chance of a normal reaction from her. The kids are older now and hopefully they see past it. I chose this life and plan to continue to be there for the children and support my fiancé through this no matter what the outcome. Thanks for responding that was a big help.

Ev - posted on 11/25/2014

8,005

7

918

That is the thing....you are still trying to get your say in on things and the other poster just said to stay in the background. There is no reason to defend yourself in court. If mom has an issue about you she is going to have to prove that you are a danger to her kids. It will be on her shoulders. By wanting to defend yourself to her in court you are only adding flames and fuel to the fire. Just cut contact totally and let dad and mom hash things out between them. Take it from the mom who has to deal with a step mom whom thinks she knows everything about my kids and what is best for them, whom thinks that she has to know everything dad and I discuss for their welfare and benefit, whom thinks she can decide on visitation and whether or not we change things up or not for certain situations. I know how it goes good intentions or not. Just be there for the kids...that is what you are supposed to do and be there for him as a support.

Kkjj - posted on 11/24/2014

15

0

1

Thank you so much for your advice. I didn't give much background cause I would have gone on and would have been to much to read. I was wondering their birth weight for a movie of the kids growing up I was making and THE KIDS WANTED TO KNOW as well. I never talk about her in front of the kids unless the kids bring her up in conversation and I respond always with respect and praise at all times. (sometimes even change the subject) I know where my place is and have understood this at all times as well. After this I am planning on apologizing for my mistake, deleting her number from my phone and will have the children talk to her only via online while their father is at work. Just wondering if that would be accepted in court since they do not allow me to be there to defend myself?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms