Borderline/Narc Bio mom

Coni - posted on 09/19/2016 ( 11 moms have responded )

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To those of you dealing with a biological parent who exhibits symptoms of Narcissism or BPD (stalking, triangulation, parental alienation, lying about you to the kids to get them to hate you or not want to visit), how do you deal with it? I've gone no contact but I see her results rubbing off on the kids. She has forced her daughter to block me on her phone and not allow her to visit our home to see the other kids (she's over 18) or she will be kicked out. She tells my step-son lies about us and constantly interferes with visitation covertly by telling him that if he visits, we will be busy and won't do anything with him, won't take him to his games, etc....My biggest concern is that the behavior is rubbing off on my step-son. Not only does he show disrespect to us both and tells us we aren't his "parents"...we're just the people he visits, but he threatens not to visit if we don't do what he wants. Of course we don't give in. We try to teach him about boundaries and respect and not threatening to get what he wants. But what else can we do? He's about to hit his teens and I know that there's a good chance that with everything he's learning, we might just lose him. She's already said that once he's over 12, we can't force him to visit (not that we've ever had to- he's always begged to visit more often). But he has told us that she tells him this and that if we upset him and don't do what he wants, he can choose not to come over. It's so sad to see him being destroyed this way. I worry he will grow up and be just like his mother. Thoughts?

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Michelle - posted on 09/19/2016

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Narcissists are known for their sneeksy ways. Beware the "smear campaign." At least she backed off a little, for now if she truely is evil.

Michelle - posted on 09/19/2016

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I would go no contact but my mother has my son.
I can see now that She groomed him for years before she sued for guardianship. I have recently learned that PAS is not really scientific and very very hard to prove.
It's f'd because you know it's happening. Maybe keep records of everything. I videotape every meeting with my NC which is once a week.

NM is doing the same psycological/emotional bs to my son that she pulled ON ME when she divored-dated-divorced-dated my father. But it's not really working in her favor. The NM is digging her own grave a teaspoon at a time. But it's hard to be patient.
My son (and your kid too) will know this as they get older. HAVE FAITH THE TRUTH IS REVEALED.

Ev - posted on 09/19/2016

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It may be what has to be done, Coni. She is taking advantage of this as long as nothing is done. Either your husband stands up to her or he lets this continue. And I doubt much that parental alienation is hard to prove. If there are more times she talks him out of coming than his actual visiting, then it can be proved as long as you keep record of what was said in the conversations.

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Coni - posted on 09/21/2016

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The girl is not my step-daughter, she is a half sibling of my step-son who has been forced to have nothing to do with us or the kids when they are in our home. She considers the other kids her siblings but isn't allowed to see them because her mother is afraid that she will tell us things that go on in the home. I don't worry about that. I told her when she moved back in with her mother (after moving out and running away multiple times to live with other family members) that she should cut all ties with us (social media /phone/ etc) to make it easier on herself because her mother would get upset if she found out she had any contact with us. So I expected it.

Amanda - posted on 09/20/2016

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Fight for the 12 year old... as for the 18 year old just accept that she can make her own choices and doesn't have to visit if she doesn't want to.

Sarah - posted on 09/19/2016

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Just because a 12 yo voices his desire, does not mean you violate a court order.

Coni - posted on 09/19/2016

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We can't afford a lawyer right now. And neither of us would ever put that poor kid through the trouble of having to testify against his mother. Also from what I've read, it's SO hard to prove parental alienation and she is much more careful about doing it in sneaky ways that can't be proven (like trying to talk him out of visiting so it comes directly from him). I do document things and in the past when she flat out tried to stop visitation, my husband did hire a lawyer and threatened to sue for custody. She stopped then but like I said, it's sneaky how she interferes now.

Ev - posted on 09/19/2016

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That may be true, Coni, but at the same time it might have to be a valid reason that the judge is looking for. A just because answer is not going to work and the judge might see that the mom is influencing it.

Coni - posted on 09/19/2016

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Yes, there is a court order. But if there ever came a time where my step-son told his father that he no longer wanted to visit, my husband would not force him. And in our state, over the age of 12 a childs preferences will be taken into account.

Sarah - posted on 09/19/2016

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Why is there no court order that outlines when you see your kids? If she is threatening to kick her 18 yo out for talking to her bio-dad; then offer to let her live with you .

Ev - posted on 09/19/2016

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{{To those of you dealing with a biological parent who exhibits symptoms of Narcissism or BPD (stalking, triangulation, parental alienation, lying about you to the kids to get them to hate you or not want to visit), how do you deal with it? I've gone no contact but I see her results rubbing off on the kids.}}-----It is sad that she is doing this but what has your husband done to get her to stop this?

{{ She has forced her daughter to block me on her phone and not allow her to visit our home to see the other kids (she's over 18) or she will be kicked out.}-----Well, she can not tell the daughter what to do anymore because she is an adult. Her threat of kicking her out if she calls or comes over is ludicrous at best and you should invite the step daughter to live with you if that is the case. Mom can not tell the girl now who she can or can not see or talk to. Besides it is parental alienation.

{ She tells my step-son lies about us and constantly interferes with visitation covertly by telling him that if he visits, we will be busy and won't do anything with him, won't take him to his games, etc....My biggest concern is that the behavior is rubbing off on my step-son. Not only does he show disrespect to us both and tells us we aren't his "parents"...we're just the people he visits, but he threatens not to visit if we don't do what he wants.}-----That is a form of parental alienation. Are you keeping record of when she keeps him from coming over and keeping record of what the boys says when he does come over. It can be used as proof of her alienating the kids towards their dad. As fornot doing what he wants, you have rules stick to them and if the boy does not like it tough.

{ But he has told us that she tells him this and that if we upset him and don't do what he wants, he can choose not to come over. It's so sad to see him being destroyed this way. I worry he will grow up and be just like his mother. Thoughts?}-----It is time to take this to court and have mom brought up for contempt of court orders and parental alienation. Get a good lawyer.

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