boyfriend insists on having relationship with exgf daughter

Marysue - posted on 11/22/2015 ( 29 moms have responded )

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This is my first bf that we rekindled after 20 years. We didn't get together because I had strict parents but he was the one that got away so I'm excited that he's here now. The problem is I'm so scared of losing him because yes I have a problem with this relationship because he offers no information about it. He insists I just trust that nothing is going on with his ex. He is purely interested in her daughter. She has a dad that is not involved and through his relationship she would call him daddy. She was 4 when they met and is now 6. We had a big fight because he went out with the ex and daughter for the daughter's birthday. Just the three of them. If it was a birthday party I had no issue but this was just the three for breakfast. He offers no information if he has spoken to the daughter but the ex works in the sand circle as he so he maintains a working relationship he says. It's been 9 months that we are together and I'm very torn. He says he never married because it was always me and kept items I gave him 20 years ago. He insists I gave to trust him that his intergrety is everything. There are times I don't know where he is and my first thought is they are together. They were together for 2 years broke up and then we met. No time in between for him to heel. Now if I ask, he flips our and says it's none of my business. Do I walk away?

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Brittany - posted on 11/25/2015

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Oh no honey that doesn't sound right, just my opinion though.... I mean, I understand that he could be attached to the little girl, and that's ok. More than likely he feels bad because the child's real father isn't in the picture & because she calls him daddy he doesn't want to abandon her as well. Unfortunately it sounds like girlfriend is going to continue to use that child against him, and try to run off any potential relationships he may encounter. Quite frankly it would put a dent in any relationship having some old girlfriend & her child hanging around, especially if he is being secretive about the whole situation and not opening up to you. Maybe you could try sitting him down and telling him that it really bothers you. Make it clear to him that you don't mind if he wants to see the child, but he needs to include you or spend time with the little girl alone. He should respect your wishes if he takes your relationship seriously and honestly wants to be in a committed relationship with you ... And if you can't come to an agreement & you are unable to move past this for yourself, then maybe you should consider making some changes in your life. This is not a "trust issue" this is a respect issue and you have the right to say something about it! :)

Raye - posted on 11/24/2015

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Ok, so you have to try to co-parent with your ex. If you and your ex had to attend a parent-teacher conference together, should your BF worry that you're having sex with your ex? If your ex had custody, and invited you to your son's birthday party, of course you would go. Would you expect your BF to be upset about it? If not, then why can't you trust him with his ex? I get it that it's not apples-to-apples, because the girl is not his biological daughter. And as I said, I do feel he should be up front with the ex about his current relationship and have a plan to "phase out" of their lives. But I don't know his side of the situation.

You should try to talk to him (calmly and non-confrontational). Ask him his feelings toward all this. Ask him what his future plan is (if he has one) about the girl (what if the mother finds someone else and stops all contact?). Put aside for a while what you think he should do and listen to him. Offer him your support. Ask him what his plans are with you and your daughter. Keep the lines of communication open. If he keeps shutting you out after you try to be supportive of him, then maybe he's not "the one" or it's not the right time for you both.

Cathy - posted on 11/28/2015

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Hi Marysue,

Me again I can't stress this enough your daughter is the most important thing in your life everything else should come after so here you are not only dragging yourself into this but her also. I would have a talk with your daughter and tell her that you are moving one and that she will not be able to see your boy friend again children can adjust if it is told to them correctly. It is time not to worry about your child missing him but what is best for you and your child.

I for one do not like the way he talks to you none of your business what kind of a guy is this to talk to you with such unkindness and disrespect the question is why don't you respect yourself more?

This guy is pulling your leg and it is time your realized it and push him out of your life I am sure if he really cared there would be nothing he can not share with you in his life and that includes his past relationship. You do not even know why his last relationship did not work well from what I can see he is a bad catch throw him back. I know it will be hard at first to be alone but soon very soon you will recover and be the better for it.

Take care of yourself and your child
Love
Cathy Helgerson

Cathy - posted on 11/26/2015

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Hello Maysue,

Honey don't walk run as fast as you can you are better than that and you should find someone who will treat you better.

Don't be afraid there are 6 billion people in the world you can find another.

Listen to that little voice in your head the one that had you write this e-mail message to find out the truth if there was no dought you never would have wrote this e-mail trust yourself.

Good luck! Move on
OH tell him you want better much better
Cathy Helgerson

Raye - posted on 11/25/2015

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You could just wait and see how it plays out. The mother could have hopes of reconciling with your BF and may be using the daughter to keep him roped in. If he's committed to you, eventually she will get fed up with not getting his attention and tell him to go away. If she's not trying to get him back, and just doesn't know how to explain to her daughter about them being broken up, then I think that will also get old after a while and she'll want to cut ties. I really can't imagine that it would continue until the girl is a teen or gets married.

Obviously he has a bond with the girl, and would be sad to see that fade away. But he's not her biological father, and has only been in her life a couple short years. Maybe he's afraid of not being able to forge that type of bond with your daughter and is clinging desperately to what he thinks is a sure thing. Maybe it's an indication that he dedicates himself fully to being in it for the long haul, and will be there for you and your daughter. I really don't know. Does he give you and your daughter his attention when he's with you? Do you feel neglected due to this relationship with the little girl?

If he's not talking to you and building trust with you, then that's a different problem. If you have been jealous, insecure, or unsupportive over the last 9 months, then he's probably shut down because he feels that nothing he says will change your mind or make you feel better, so the less he says the better. But that's not exactly accurate. The less he says the worse it is for you and the harder it is to build trust. Maybe counseling would benefit you both to work these things out.

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RARE - posted on 12/30/2015

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In simple terms. YES. You walk. A relationship is build on respect and mutual trust. Once he said that you and he were an item, you have every right to know what is going on with this so called ex. It is a sign when he is getting upset about it and tells you, his girlfriend to mind your business. He is hiding something. He is suppose to your man, whatever he does reflects on you, he is your business. Put it this way, I assure you, he would not like it if you behaved the same way with your ex. and his son? He does not like it done to him, he must not do it to you. If he does not understand that then you are not his priority. He loves you, but he is NOT in love with you, there is a difference. Ask him, Are you in love with me. If he says, of course i love you. He has not answered the question. Is he IN LOVE WITH YOU? That is the question. If he is, then this ex would be history a long time ago, child or no child.

Cathy - posted on 12/01/2015

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Marysue,

The problem with men who deal in abusive manners is they want to be in control and they will use all measures to get what they want of course he will say he loves you.
They can not even recognize what they are doing and they want everything from the people that they try and control. He is also controlling his x wife and he will control as many people as he can so remember you don't have to be controlled and if you have a strong wellbeing you can spot them right away.
One of my xboy friends over 30 years ago and he is married tried to convience me to lend him $40,000.00 dollars with no strings amagine that he lied about everything including having problems with his marrage.
He lied when I went with him still does drugs and has a business of course he says he needed money for that my thinking is he needed money for drugs. I tried to help him with advice but of course he did not want that and so now after some time of talking to him he does not want to talk to me.
I hope this has taught to run not walk when your mind, body and spirit tells you that this person is not for you. Please find a nice person who will love you and kind and loving.
Cathy Helgerson

Marysue - posted on 12/01/2015

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Thank you for your input. I didn't take them because I found healthier natural alternatives. If I felt they would help then I would for mine and my child's well being. He used this as ammunition to justify his abusive manner. I felt degraded a number of times over the course of time dating because he was trying to "advise" me. It was only because he cared.
It has ended now and he still says he's offended of my accusations and that he still loves me.
Does this not sound manipulative?

Raye - posted on 12/01/2015

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Being prescribed anti-depressants does not automatically make you mentally unstable. However, if the doctor thought you needed them to correct a chemical imbalance in your system, then by not taking them you might be keeping yourself locked in a cycle that is making you feel worse than you need to. And by feeling bad, you may be affecting your kid also. My husband's ex is bi-polar. She went off her meds, and that's when their marriage went in the crapper. She is still off her meds, and her emotional rollercoaster rides makes it harder to deal with her to co-parent, and makes it harder on the kids who seem to get the full force of her "downs" and hardly ever see any "ups".

If your BF is calling you names and disrespecting you, then he obviously does not care about you in a healthy way. If he is lying to you or omitting the truth because he thinks you'll get upset (which is still lying), then he doesn't care about you. A loving partner would work on your relationship, and not just accuse and go behind your back. He wants what he wants regardless of who it hurts. End it and move on. He's obviously not "the one" if there's not trust and respect in your relationship. You and your child deserve better.

Marysue - posted on 11/30/2015

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My doctor prescribed and I refused to take them. I told him the truth when he found them and he just threw it in my face as I've been taking all along and have a mental illness.

Cathy - posted on 11/30/2015

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Hi Marysue,

Dear why are you keeping antidepressants in a drawer that you are not taking?

My husband was on antidepressants they did him no good he I believe was bipolar and the VA hospital would not admit it.

I am glad to hear you decided to end it with him but be careful if he is abusive in anyway especially phyically you and yours could be in danger. If for some strange reason he should call you again try and end it peacefully without anger becasue you never know what a person may do when they are mad keep your cool.

I want to add that most people have there days when things seem to be to much and we get depressed but that does not mean you need drugs to bring you back up so think that through.

I attended Church this week end and I felt really happy becasue I know no matter what is going on around me and in the world I have a God who cares very much about me and loves me and helps me his son died for us and I give thanks all the time. There were many times in my life that I know God was there for me and he keeps on being there for me.

I know that if I did not have God and Jesus Christ in my life I probably would not be contacting you today so keep in mind do all things with Love in mind.

I hope you will take time for yourself try a Born Again Christian Church they sometimes have single groups that meet at the church find a man who will respect, love and care for you in a kind way with kind words and thoughts.

Take Care dear
Cathy Helgerson

Marysue - posted on 11/30/2015

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He said I was over acting. Then when we fought he said I was scared that my daughter would really think I was.
I called him mentally and verbally abusive and he needs to stay away from women and children.
None the less we are done. He admitted spending time with his ex and her daughter behind my back.
Said I was mentally unstable because he saw antidepressants in my drawer that I didn't take. Isn't this abusive?

Raye - posted on 11/30/2015

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Calling you a "loser" is not a joke. Sounds like you would be better off without him and his drama.

Marysue - posted on 11/28/2015

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I really appreciate you sharing that with me. It sounds like a very difficult time. I will really consider what you have showed me in regards to future expectations and commitments.

Cathy - posted on 11/28/2015

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Hi Marysue,

Well what is wrong with all of this I lived your nightmare my huband divorced his wife and he had a 7 year old daughter when I met him we fell in love and he got to see his daughter every other week end overnight at his home. I went with him for 3 years and finally I wanted to get married but he was not responsive so I brought his clothes that were at my house to his mothers home and told her I was don with him. Two days later he showed up with an ingagement ring and a proposal I married him and there was that little voice in my head wondering did I do the right thing.

The story is a long one I became friends with is X wife because I guess she felt sorry for me because I had a handicap daughter longs story. Later I gave birth to a healthy boy Jason and I started to do daycare to staly home with him 7 years the bumps in our relationship started way before this it was tough.

My stepdaughter never really became close to me because of my son and I suppose if it were not for me she thought maybe her mother may have gotten back with her dad this will always be a problem. Things went from worse to worse and I was always there supporting the family and providing Thanksgiving dinner and X Mas Dinner at my home being kind to everyone but finally once Jason was grown and they did not care about me or my husband I stopped.

My husband because ill and became a cronic alcoholic died 2 years ago and have not seen or talked to my brother in law and his family, my mother-in-law who still keeps in touch with my husbands x wife after 30 years and my step daughter. I tried to get conservatorship of my mother-in-law went to court about it my brother-in-law took all of her money and was not taking care of her to bad.

Well why am I telling you all of this becasuse it seems to me based on what you have been telling me you will have your own drama to deal with and believe me it does not end so think carefully if you want to deal with it.

I think finding someone without so much bageage would be a better situation and the main thing is that you are working toward marrage make sure that is clear in your head and eventually that the other person wants the same thing with out ultimatims.

Well take care
Cathy Helgeson

Marysue - posted on 11/27/2015

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I see a pattern that he connects with the children but doesn't connect with the moms. Intamacy issues.

Marysue - posted on 11/27/2015

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He never mentioned for me to meet the daughter and in spite tells me it's none of my business if he speaks to her. On top of it all in front of my daughter called me a "loser" as a joke. Not to make a big argument in front of her told him it wasn't nice what he said even as a joke.
He tells my daughter he loves her and is concerned for her feelings but I don't see the same consideration for mine.

Marysue - posted on 11/24/2015

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I think it's because he offers no info on spite of my questions. He earlier stated that if her daughter gets married and wants him there then do I expect him not to go???? She's 6 and he's talking about her wedding. Maybe he envisions a father daughter dance???? I think no plans to phase out. Is this realistic if we are to have a life together?

Marysue - posted on 11/23/2015

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My child's father in the picture however doesn't necessarily make her feel a priority. However my bf has grown attached and is very loving towards her. She is 10. She drew a picture of him and wrote to the best step dad ever and of course we both became overwhelmed at this display of affection for him.

Dove - posted on 11/23/2015

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If you guys don't trust each other... why are you together? Either this isn't a relationship that is meant to be or you two need to take things VERY slowly and build the trust... preferably w/ some relationship counseling.

Raye - posted on 11/23/2015

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What is your relationship with your child's father? Is he still in the picture?

Raye - posted on 11/23/2015

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I wouldn't say it's only your problem, but I think you both need to grow up a bit.

Children get the raw end of the deal when people split up. Over the two years he was with his ex, that little innocent child got attached to him. Should he just leave her and have nothing to do with her again? She thought this man was going to be her daddy, and she's not old enough to understand the complications of grown-up relationships. I don't think he should get so defensive with you or hide his interactions from you. That's where he needs to grow up. But you need to trust that he's trying to do the right thing and not just abandon that little girl the way her real father did. You can't keep tabs on him 24/7, because he is an adult, and can make his own choices. If he says you're the one and he has no interest in the ex, then you should believe him unless he PROVES otherwise.

That being said, he's not her real father, and he should have an "exit strategy". At some point, he needs to live his own life and let the ex and her daughter move on. He should be able to tell the ex that he has started seeing someone. And the ex should start telling the daughter that he will have to go away. Your BF may need to get some counseling to help him realize that while he may feel better about himself by continuing the relationship, it may have gotten past the point where it's beneficial to the child, and giving the child unrealistic expectations that he'll always be there. It's not practical.

Marysue - posted on 11/23/2015

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He doesn't openly say it but I think he doesn't trust me. Very subtle signs. I think we are both afraid of getting hurt again because we were both hurt we lost all this time together. He has been hurt before and I'm divorced with my own little girl so we gave both suffered. I definetly don't want to hurt him now but am so scared, I think we are going to loose each other again.
At the mere mention of his ex he will stop talking to me. How do I repair it? I'm trying to get over my hang up because I really love him.

Jodi - posted on 11/23/2015

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If you don't trust him, why are you with him? Yes, really! Yes you should trust him just like that. So what if she doesn't know he has a girlfriend? It's none of her business anyway.

What it comes down to is this: you don't trust him. Ask yourself WHY you don't trust him. What did he do that you have REASON not to trust him. If he has done nothing to give you reason not to trust him, then he has done nothing to cause your distrust and it is therefore YOUR trust issue and YOUR problem, not his. If he has done something to cause your distrust, that's different. But nothing here indicates he has done anything wrong.

How would you feel if he said he didn't trust you just like that?

Marysue - posted on 11/23/2015

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Really? I have the problem? I should trust just like that? I asked if the ex knows he has a girlfriend and he admitted no.

Jodi - posted on 11/22/2015

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"He insists I just trust that nothing is going on with his ex."

I'm not seeing the problem. If this is "the one" then you need to trust him. If you can't trust him, then this relationship isn't "the one" and you need to move on.

"We had a big fight because he went out with the ex and daughter for the daughter's birthday. Just the three of them."

I'm not seeing the issue. You said you had a relationship with this man 20 years ago - that would mean you are a reasonably mature aged woman. Act it. Carrying on over an ex is showing immature insecurities. You either trust him or you don't.

I would suggest you either walk away because YOU have issues, or you see a counsellor. But the issues don't seem to be his. If it doesn't stop, eventually he will get sick of you not trusting him and he will walk away.

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