Boyfriend's Daughter wants to live with Mom full time

Jen-nay - posted on 05/23/2016 ( 16 moms have responded )

6

0

1

My boyfriend of two years needs advice on his 16 yo daughter wanting to live with Mom full time with no "scheduled" visitation with her dad. Mom lives out of her school district, however. He feels it is because she has no rules at Mom's house and lives just a block or two from her boyfriend (with whom she sleeps with - Mom is okay with this, Dad is not). Her Mom is more of a best friend to her than a parent. Dad is more of the disciplinarian. Mom shows the daughter the text arguments between the parents, so the daughter gets mad at the Dad even though she doesn't know the whole story. Mom likes to tell him how their daughters (16 and a 20 year old) would rather stay with her than him and she doesn't have to buy their love (which he does not do, but he does pay for their cars, team registration fees, their car insurance, books for college, health insurance, etc.) How do you counteract a Mom that hates the Dad? She is the one who cheated numerous times and left him, but she has the younger daughter thinking he is the bad guy.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Raye - posted on 05/24/2016

3,761

0

21

If mom and dad want the same arrangement, then they need to get the court order amended to that arrangement. Then they just have to tell the 16 y/o they're following the law and the kid needs to be with one parent these days and the other parent the other days. The adult child can't be included in the court order, but if they want to keep the same arrangement for that child, too, they need to be honest with the child. Mom can't have the dad always be the bad guy, especially if she's using that against him... showing the daughter a text like "oh, look, dad said you need to come back", when really SHE wants to send the child home to the father, is not right. She needs to be a grown-up and stop playing games. Her kids will still love her if she has rules and enforces them. She's the one trying to "buy" their love with lies and trying to be the "Disneyland Parent". That's not being a good parent.

Patricia - posted on 05/24/2016

6

0

0

I agree with Dove. If the mom is not being honest with 16-yr-old and always trying to make dad the bad guy, Dad should just step back for awhile and let 16-yr-old go full-time with mom until Mom can be forthright with her daughter. I would also say that if daughter does not want any time with dad, he can't force her, but he can do three things . #1) Dad might want to do a 5 Love Language assessment on his daughter. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/te... This can help dad understand her better and see what speaks love/encouragement to her so they can better their relationship #2) Even though he physically pulls back and lets daughter live with mom, he should regularly send daughter texts letting her know that he's thinking about her, hoping she has a great day... just keep in contact. As daughter realizes that she really matters to dad, she just may come around. #3) Continue to pay for expenses that are necessary, but stop paying for expenses such as car, car insurance and phone (if he is paying that) – which are not necessary for a 16-year old to survive. The reasoning he can give his daughter is that if she intends to disconnect from him, then it's obvious she wants to do things on her own, so this will be a necessary opportunity for her to learn to fend for herself. This should be said in a caring-matter-a-fact Way, not in a resentful-we'll-see-how-you-cope Way.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/24/2016

13,211

21

2014

Wow. I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of 2 two year old adults! Tell them BOTH to step up and be honest with their kid, and that the kid IS going to comply with the arrangements as set.

What a spineless set of bio parents.

Dove - posted on 05/24/2016

11,623

0

1348

Well, mom needs to simply tell her daughter to be w/ dad at dad's time and be w/ mom at mom's time. If she's not willing to do that, but she doesn't want the daughter living w/ her full time... Dad should just let daughter go and let mom figure out how to be a parent... or deal w/ the daughter living w/ her full time.

Sarah - posted on 05/24/2016

8,728

0

21

Now I get it. Someone needs to man up and tell the 16yo this is where you will be and for how long. When she is 18 she can fend for herself.

16 Comments

View replies by

Jen-nay - posted on 05/26/2016

6

0

1

Right, Shawn?? LOL. We are probably too much the other way. I invite my ex husband and his new wife over for Thanksgiving and my ex-inlaws still invite me and my BF to Christmas dinner - this way I don't have to share my kids on the holidays and they don't have to choose. And we all have a great time together.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/25/2016

13,211

21

2014

Jen, maybe you and your ex should give them pointers! Just kidding, I know you're frustrated!

Dove - posted on 05/24/2016

11,623

0

1348

Yeah... she's 16. She wants what she wants and nothing else will do. I had virtually no relationship w/ my mom from 16-25 (shortly after I had my girls)... for many reasons. 14 years later and I can't imagine my life w/out her in it. ♥

That's a long time... but hopefully it will leave you and him w/ some encouragement that she may come around. ;)

Jen-nay - posted on 05/24/2016

6

0

1

I think you are correct, Dove. He is thinking he should just let go at this point and let his 16 yo live where she wants to live. Let Mom deal with the fallout of giving in to this child all the time. If she can't "woman up" and tell her she needs some time away from her and encourage time with her dad, then she can just deal with her full time. All he can hope for at this point is daughter agreeing to dinner once in awhile with him. Maybe one day when she grows up, she will realize how lucky she was to have her dad want to actually spend time with her and love her as much as he does. There are a whole lot of fathers who just go away.

I'm so glad my ex and I don't have these issues. In 6 years since our divorce, we have hardly ever disagreed where the children are concerned, the kids aren't allowed to play one parent against the other, and we don't talk bad about the other parent in front of the children. We are a much better team divorced than we ever were married.

Jen-nay - posted on 05/24/2016

6

0

1

Dad has full physical custody - with liberal visitation with the mom. Neither parent wants the custody to change. They both want the week on and week off arrangement that they agreed to outside of the Court Order. It is only the daughter who wants to stay full time with the Mom. And Mom won't tell her no, but wants the Dad to tell her no instead, so she doesn't have to be the "bad guy".

Maybe I'm not explaining the situation well...

Sarah - posted on 05/24/2016

8,728

0

21

This sort of petty bickering is still going on after at least 2 or more years of divorce? Who care if she cheated on him, that is a moot point, as their marriage is over. Why even engage in mom's passive aggressive behavior. If the court order is not being followed, then either tell dad to set some boundaries and if mom wants to seek amending the court ordered custody arrangement she can.

Jen-nay - posted on 05/24/2016

6

0

1

The Mom includes the 20 yo in "visitation" conversations. She wants both the girls to have a schedule and this gives her a week on and a week off without either of her girls staying with her. The Mom actually wants to keep things as they are. Week on/Week off. Example of one text message from her "I won't tell the girls no if they want to come back early. But you need to stop letting them come back early from your week with them." And this was a text regarding Mother's Day. He thought she would want them with her on Mother's Day and agreed to let them go back that day. She did not.

Raye - posted on 05/24/2016

3,761

0

21

If the 16 y/o goes to live with mom, dad can choose to discontinue paying for her car, car insurance, etc. He should still pay medical insurance and help with "team registration fees" (whatever that's about) and other expenses necessary for her schooling, health, and well-being. But cars, phones, and that sort of thing are perks, not requirements. I'm sure he wasn't helping with these things to "buy her love" but because he loves her. But again, he's not obligated to continue paying for the perks. Mom can try to make him out to be the bad guy, and the daughter may even believe it (for a while), but he should not cave to the manipulations. He could go to court to change/set custody/visitation orders to outline exactly what he is responsible for, so the mother can't try to manipulate him and the daughter sees that by law she's not entitled to all the extras she previously got from her dad.

Ev - posted on 05/23/2016

7,249

7

909

And just to add a point, you can not do anything really or say much but just support him.

Jodi - posted on 05/23/2016

3,529

36

3906

I agree - the 16 year old is most likely to get choice even if dad fought the issue. I don't understand why mum and dad are still arguing - if they stopped arguing there wouldn't be texts to show. If the disagreement is over something important, then I don't see why there is an issue with the 16 year old knowing what the disagreement was about. She's 16.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/23/2016

13,211

21

2014

Well, for one, a 20 YO is an adult, not a child, so she gets to do whatever she chooses.

The 16 YO is most likely of an age to choose residence.

He can talk to her, try to dissuade her, but ultimately, the courts may let her choose.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms