Boyfriend the only man my son knows...

Amber - posted on 03/21/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I met this guy when my son was only a month old. He's been in his life now this whole time, and the bond between them is sickening (in a good way LOL). We've had the discussions about how I had no problem with him staying in Julien's life if we ever did split later down the line, in fact had even told him I wouldn't forgive him if he walked away from him. He really wants to stay around, even if we do split, and even asked me what Julien would call him as he got older. (This conversation was sparked because I had made the joke "my son will NEVER call you Uncle Josh because of all those stereotypes in movies where the mother sleeps around a lot and introduces the guy as "ucle whatever the name is") I told him that the decision on what he was called was between the two of them. If he didn't feel comfortable being called dad, then that was for him to explain to Julien, not me. He's a great guy, but I'm worried about what's going to happen once Julien's real father comes into the picture. I'm still waiting on paternity tests to be done. The one guy says he will do it but he'd rather the state push for it and not just offer to go do it himself, and the other is refusing to take it until the state forces him to do so, saying they will have to track him down first. I don't want this guy to get his feelings hurt when the real father comes into the picture and I don't want their bond to be broken because of any problems the real father may try to stir up. I feel my son has the right to know who his father is, not only for the hard questions later down the line, but for medical backgrounds too. My bf doesn't want me to push to find out who the father is, I just don't know what to do.

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Amber - posted on 03/22/2011

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@Gwen - My son is a few days from 5 months old. We only talk about the "what ifs" on breaking up because we both know that just because something is good doesn't mean it can't go bad. We both like to have game plans set just in case to give a reassurance that if things do go bad, we have everything set, if that makes any sense. As for marriage, nah, him and I discussed that when we first got together, and I'm divorced, and the only serious relationship he had ever been in, she cheated on him after 2 years, that was the one he was going to propose to, so he's not for risking it again. Not saying it couldn't ever happen, but, for now, it's not only too early in the relationship to be doing that (we are 3 months in) but we are comfortable with the idea of just living our lives together and leaving it at that, we don't need a piece of paper to show we love one another.

@Jennifer - I'm only worried about the bf's relationship to my son because I don't wamt him hurt. I have no idea if the bio father will try to cause any problems with him being the "daddy" while he's just the guy who came in too late to his life.

But thanks for the advice to everybody....I'm still up in the air about whether or not I should follow the boyfriends wishes or follow my own mind at this point. I hope to have it figured out before my son is a year old.

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Gwen - posted on 03/22/2011

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Definitely follow your own mind on this. You need to do what is best for the baby and no one else. As moms, we have to put other people's opinions aside and focus on the needs of our kids.

Jennifer - posted on 03/22/2011

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Being a sperm donor doesn't make anyone a father. The one stepping up to the plate and raising the child is the real father. If you want to find out who the birth father is, do it. If that man decides that he doesn't want anything to do with your child afterwards, so be it. Nothing has changed. If the man who is the birth father does decide to be a part of your son's life after finding out the truth, then your son is incredibly lucky. He will have one more person in his life who loves him and looks out for him. Your boyfriend, even though you two aren't married is like a step-father. There's absolutely no reason their (your son and boyfriend) relationship should change, just because there is another person around.

Gwen - posted on 03/22/2011

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If you guys want to be together, and he really wants to stay around, why do you keep talking about breaking up? If the 2 of you are committed to each other and your son, why not get married and make the relationship permanent? If he is a great guy, he will deal with whatever happens like a mature adult. If he bails when things (potentially) get tough with the bio father, then I guess you have your answer.

How old is your son? Instead of guessing what "might" happen, or what your son "might" want, why don't you wait until he is old enough to start asking the questions. At that point, you can give him honest (age appropriate) answers.

Crystal - posted on 03/21/2011

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Just because one of those guys could be the biological father, it sounds like your boyfriend id the real father, the one that helps raise and take care of him. You could puth the matter with the other two, just for the medical history, then have them sign over their parental rights to you.

Jodi - posted on 03/21/2011

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It sounds to me like neither man is really wanting to be his father, and your bf doesn't want you to push it. So I think you need to ask yourself why you feel the need to push it?

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