Boyfriend with no kids, and seems to get mad when I help my kids

Jessica - posted on 04/16/2014 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Hi, im a mother of 3 girls age 28, 24, 22 my youngest has made some bad choices in the past she has 2 kids and recently had twins. I have custody of her oldest daughter. My boyfriend feels I have helped her enough and I shouldn't do anymore . Although I help all my children if I can ad much as I can. She is just one of them that I've helped more. Now being thay she has lost her place she now staying with us. My boyfriend snd I have disagreement due to his opinions, comments, and judgmental ways at times. My friends tell me who use to visit don't now my daughter told me she feels uncomfortable at MY house cause she knows he doesn't really want here, ive tried talking to him but he says..s grown person should be in their own home . And his opinion is his. Nobody has to like like..but I've told him that its really bothering me but it doesn't seem to matter to him..what or how do u handle this.??

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/17/2014

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Exactly. I will not introduce my children to someone new for a very long time, and if they do not get along it is over. Of course, I am not planning on getting divorced, but that is how I will handle it. I have been a step child of a man that did not care for anyone especially kids. It sucked balls. He was in my life for 16 years, and now treats me as if I don't exist. It is not worth it.

Yes two seperate issues, but the main one being the boyfriend should not be rectified. Regardless if she is enabling her daughter, he has no business or opinion on the matter. THe fact that he is making everyone uncomfortable is enough to say good-bye to this dude.

Jessica, when you decide what you are doing, or when it happens, please keep us updated.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/17/2014

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I gotta say, I disagree. I see this as pretty black and white concerning the boyfriend. If he has no kids, he does not understand what it is to be a parent. He doesn't like them around, and if they get married, he will be a step parent of some kind. Even if the kids don't really recognize him as that, the grandkids will. Regardless of why the kids visit or stay with their mom, no kid should ever feel uncomfortable at their parents house due to a boyfriend in the picture. They obviously all do not get along.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/17/2014

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On one hand, I understand you want to 'help' your kids. Really, I do. I just helped my 20 YO with his laundry, because he'd worked 3 days straight with very little rest between, and was exhausted, but needed clean work clothes for his next shift. I did two loads of laundry to help him out. Would I let him move back home? Only if he pays rent, and utilities, and a portion of grocery expenses, and contributes to household responsibilities, and I'd give him a time limit for being out again. Not because I don't love him, but because he's an adult, and he needs to be responsible.

But, on the other hand, your boyfriend also has a point. Your kids are adults. How long are you going to keep supporting them, and enabling them to make more poor choices? If your 22 YO is continuing to have children after one's already been removed from her custody (whether by her choice, or the law's choice, it makes no difference...she's not parenting that child), and you are continuing to allow her to come back into your home each time she makes a poor choice, or continuing to give her money to 'handle' her personal funding deficiencies, then perhaps it's time to apply some tough love to the situation.

But, it's not up to him to decide what goes on in your home, and if he cannot respect your choices then perhaps it's time for him to go as well. I wouldn't appreciate someone that I was in a relationship with telling me that he didn't like my kids...He'd have not even gotten past the first 5 minutes if that were the case.

Two totally different issues that need to be addressed, in my opinion...good luck!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/16/2014

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I personally would not want to fix it Leela. Sounds to me like Jessica is at the end of this relationship for many reasons, and needs someone to tell her to ditch this dude.

Jessica, if you are not happy in this relationship, break up. No one sounds happy that he is there, even visitors.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/16/2014

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He doesn't have kids. He will never understand. No matter how old your kids are, they should come first in my opinion. Point blank, he is a jerk. Not so much just to be a jerk, but because he has never been a parent and cannot empathise with your feelings on the matter, nor your kids. It was his choice probably never to have kids. So I would assume he doesn't like them...even as adult children, because they are a burden on his single lifestyle. Think about that before marrying this guy, if that is even on the table. Also, if he already hasn't moved in, think about it before you take that step. If you already have, you will need to figure out if this is the kind of man you want in your life, your kids lives, and your grandchildrens lives.

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Jessica - posted on 04/18/2014

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I must say, you all had very good points that I have thought about for some time now. The thing is what makes me not happy is his ways on family orientation this is the problem,,,, provider for home he is great bills awsome, washes, cleans, ect. We just cannot get past his opinion on me helping other people. Regardless of who it is. I've told him he has to do better or leave my home. And yes I gave him a time frame.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/17/2014

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Oh, I definitely agree with that, LM...for sure. They should not feel uncomfortable in their mother's home...It really is two separate issues. Personally, if a man didn't accept my kids, he wouldn't even make it to the doorstep.

Jessica - posted on 04/16/2014

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Ive thought about it and ur right. I really wanted to know was I wrong or would I be wrong for telling him to leave after 3 yrs of good and bad mostly bad when it came to me helping others not only my child. but it bothers me when my children feel unwanted in their mothers house.and I cant talk to him about it. I didnt want to be judged or dumped on I just needed others opinion on the matter. .and for someone to see it for what it is. ..thanks alot :)

Leela - posted on 04/16/2014

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Jessica I've had the 'joy' of dating someone without kids. It wasn't easy. Of course your feelings and opinions matter. As moms, we all believe that our kids come first and if our partner intercedes well it becomes a nightmare. He will most likely never understand completely how you feel. But I don't think it's that easy to say you're wrong and he's right or vice versa. All I'm saying is that you both need to try and understand each other if this is to work out. Maybe counseling from your church etc should be considered. I have a couple of friends who ditched the guy for their adult kids. In most cases the 'kids' haven't grown up, some aren't even working. I just don't want you to throw away something that perhaps can be fixed. Good luck to all of you!

Jessica - posted on 04/16/2014

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Ok thanks for ur input. Although you would just have to walk in my shoes to understand. When you try with reason to get understanding from someone who has no children and mother pacified them till day she past .I really dont see how they could have room to talk. All I see is jealousy but like I said you would have to know and see the tension in my house. Not only things with my daughter but other things that makes me wanna give up like. If I cannot express my feelings and his feeling is the only thing that counts im our relationship then I don't feel it's healthy. ..thanks for ur comments

Leela - posted on 04/16/2014

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Jessica you asked for an opinion. I gave you mine and you seem quite upset about it. Is it possible that you're not open to hearing his opinion? I agree a mother should help their child but it's possible that your bf feels that she will never get her act together once she knows that you will pick up the slack. Your daughter is now a mom, she has daughters that SHE needs to be responsible for. It's ok to help and to guide her but she's an adult. She needs to take ownership and responsibility for her actions. As for your friends, are they really going to tell you anything but what you want to hear? Consider how your bf feels as well. All you've written speaks to him not listening to you or bothering with how you feel. But it doesn't sound like you're listening to him either.

Jessica - posted on 04/16/2014

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So your saying im to stop helping her, even though she was on her feet. But lost her place and the most ive actually helped is lately since she lost her place, plus you have to know and read the whole story even friends say they not comfortable at my house do to his attitude and ways...bottom line is he self centered and doesn't believe in helping others very judgemental .he is all about self at times...this is not how I was raised, and its a big turn off to me.lately....And I wouldn't call it mooching I call it a mother helping her child at a time in her life when she needs it the most. As any parent I think should do.

Leela - posted on 04/16/2014

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Jessica I empathize. Your kids will always be your kids. But there's a difference between helping and enabling. It sounds like your daughter is mooching off of you and if you don't put limits it will never stop.

Jessica - posted on 04/16/2014

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Do I stop helping my child even though she made mistakes. To satisfy him
It like choosing between ur kids and s man..I also cannot continue to allow this type of ignorance to go on in my home its really depresses me

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