Bringing him back into my childs life. Good or bad idea?

Megan - posted on 07/30/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

15

0

1

Ok ladies I need some advice. I'm a mother of a 4 year old daughter. My boyfriend of almost 4 years has been her only father figure she knows. Her real father was caught up in drugs and went to jail for a year. Before he went to jail we tried to work out visitation but he was always under the influence of something so I decided to cut it off until he was "better". Well he has been sober for 2 years now but hasn't tried to contact his daughter. He does tell his mother that he wants to be in her life but feels like he needs to get on his feet first.
My problem is should I be the bigger adult and contact him (my daughters father)? And if I do how do I tell my daughter? I don't want to confuse her or have her get hurt in anyway. My boyfriend suggest we wait until she starts to question. But for some reason I feel strongly about fighting for him to be a responsible parent and to start taking care of his child. I wasn't given a free ride so why should he? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Hey Megan,

I defiantly understand how you may feel confused on what you should do. The first thing that I would consider is the legal aspect of things. If you have not already had any formal custody arrangements made through court , I would make sure that is done first as far as you having both legal and physical custody of your daughter in the eyes of the law. If you do choose to reach out to her father you have to keep in mind, that seeing your daughter may spark your ex to pursue and exercise his rights as a father. Now , only you know him personally but you never know where this could lead. If you do allow him visitation I would still urge you to at first only have supervised visitation through the courts , and depending how comfortable you are over time then change it to your terms. Being a mother, sadly a lot of times we are the ones who have to reach out to initiate contact with the fathers. But at the end of the day if the father still does not want to be in the child's life we can at least say with clean hands that we tried. In the end our children may resent us if they never have a relationship with the other parent. Your boyfriend being there is the greatest gift a man can give especially , when raising a child as his own. I do believe that you should introduce her to her father so she knows, of him and maybe let them talk on the phone in the beginning and then slowly have them around each other. If you and your ex have a civil relationship, this maybe a way for you to have "ME" time , as well as your ex stepping up to be a father, once you start to trust him more. Take things slow and see where it goes.

Ev - posted on 07/30/2013

8,005

7

918

Megan-I think that if you do decide to do this you should begin slowly. Take small steps. Start with visits with you there with her and then go from there. It is going to take time for a relationship to get started. Over time, he might be able to take her to the park for a few hours or see a movie or something like that and then bring her home. But you do have the chance to make sure that this is done right, get it in writing and court ordered. Make sure that visitation, child support, and custody are set and that all in this understand what is what. This will help to ensure that your child's well being is kept in check.

Kathy - posted on 07/30/2013

23

8

8

This is a very touchy subject that usually starts a lot of arguing on here. But I know what you are going through. My husband has raised my older two children since my oldest was about 20 months and my second was 5 months old. He wanted to adopt the both of them. Unfortunately they have different fathers but he is the only father both of them knew by the biological father's choices. My ex husband lost all rights to my daughter in the divorce and my sons never wanted anything to do with him. Well my husband and I had our first in 2011 we decided after that to get married. Well both men said he could adopt the children since he has taken care of them. Well we got married June of 2012 and then all of a sudden out of the blue we got served with papers for visitation over my son. Now after 5 1/2 years he wanted to be a part of his life. Needless to say he won visitation and we had to explain to my son about him. He now needs therapy due to how confusing it is. I feel if this man is not making an attempt to be in her life then don't confuse her for no reason. Your boyfriend has chosen to raise yet. If her father decides to be in her life then cross that bridge gently but always remember that your boyfriend has chosen to raise her always take his feelings into consideration. Hope Hope this helps.

5 Comments

View replies by

[deleted account]

Also, I forgot to mention if he is still not in her life after a while and you all decide to get married, you should look into your husband legally adopting your daughter. It is a process but it protects your daughter legally. In case down the road her father would want to initiate a custody battle for some reason. That would be a terrible situation so that is something to consider before perusing all of this as well.

Megan - posted on 07/30/2013

15

0

1

Thank you for responding! I have literally lost sleep over this. I do try to keep my boyfriends feelings in mind when I have to make a decision like this since he is her father figure. He has already told me that he will support me what ever I decide to do. We are also TTC at the moment and I have to take that into consideration as well. Do I want the added stress of dealing with my daughters father coming back into our lives.... I'm having a hard time trying to figure this out. I do feel strongly about my daughters father being in her life but then again I also believe that if he wanted to be in her life then he would be

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms