Brother died 1 month before I gave birth. Am I being selfish?

Crystal - posted on 01/05/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Brother died 1 month before I gave birth. I ended up on bed rest from all the stress of his passing. I don't usually talk a lot about him to others because the pain is too much. I think about him once a day and cry but only when I'm alone. My mother and sisters do not understand this and think I hate him and don't care about him. I try to explain that I have my own way of dealing with my grieve but it's just not good enough. I also feel that his death is so tragic that if i do think about him it's hard for me to get it together and compose myself so I can take care of my son. I love my son more than anything and I'm trying to be the best mother and remodel aside from his father and I can't do that if I'm crying all day. I am now living for my son and I need to move forward with my life and not dwell on my brothers passing. This is not acceptable to my mom she thinks its the worst thing I can do and say to her. My family also HATES my fiancé and father of my son. They want me to leave him and come live with her. I am a stay at home mom and I'm lucky that I am able to stay with my son. I love my fiancé and know he is not perfect but I would never leave him just cus my family does not accept him. They don't understand how I could stay with him and make drama and trouble cus of it. My mom went on my Facebook messages without my permission and looked at my conversations. She saw a convo between me and my mother in law (who she also hates). Nothing bad was said in it but just talk about how things were going with my family. My mom also hates my mother in law and is mad about that and called me and freaked out screaming at the top of her lungs. Saying things like how could I talk to her about our family, how could I stay with my fiancé, how could I hate my brother and how could I do this to her. She thinks I tend to go towards my finances family and is very jealous of them. My sisters are always ganging up on me when my mom gets like. I'm not sure what I should do. I need some advice on what I should do? I'm sick of their drama should I just walk away from them?

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Michelle - posted on 01/06/2013

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As harsh as it sounds, life goes on. Some people like the attention they get when they are "grieving" and will drag it on for a long time. Others will be sad but realize that the people still living need your attention more.

I lost my last grandmother (last grandparent as well) on Mother's Day (yes she wanted 1 last Mothers day) and it was hard for everyone. I have 3 children and a job that doesn't stop so I had to keep going. The thing that gets me through when I lose someone close is to keep telling myself that they wouldn't want me to be spending all my time crying over them. They would want me to look after the children and focus on the loved ones around me still alive.

I think you need to distance yourself from your family for the time being. It may not be forever but you need to make sure that when you do establish a relationship again that they know what behaviour isn't tolerated.

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Grief counselling sounds like a good, positive suggestion for your family.
I did not cry over my Grandfathers death for two years. Other people should not dictate how you should grieve - it is a very personal, individual experience.
As regards your mother's behaviour, she sounds very jealous and manipulative. I hate being manipulated, and I admire you for standing firm. You are an adult, and you do not have to submit to your mums jealousy, nor do you have to expose yourself to her dragging you down like this.
Walking away would be tough, but it may become necessary - it depends how much of her behaviour you can tolerate.
Maybe you could calmly explain that you have made your choices, and you would like her approval, but if you're not going to get it, then you will carry on your relationship with your fiancé regardless. If she accepts this, so much the better. If not, maybe you need some distance between you. Sadly this kind of distance often happens in families - it has happened in mine because I won't let my sister dominate me.

Michelle - posted on 01/06/2013

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I would give yourself some space and even get some grief counselling for yourself. Maybe even suggest it to your Mum and sisters.

Everyone deals with grief differently and it's no one else's place to tell you what you should be doing.

As far as hating your fiance and his family, you'll just have to figure out a way to keep them separate. She needs to understand that it's your life and it's your choice who you want to spend it with. That may mean distancing yourself from her for a while until she gets over her grief (she could be worried about losing the rest of you).

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Crystal - posted on 01/06/2013

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It's so hard to because I desperately want my family in mine and my sons life. I never imaged this would happen. I want my son to have a relationship with his grandmother and it makes me so sad that he won't. I have a very good relationship with my in laws. They like me and they are very supportive of me and my fiancé. My family thinks I shouldn't have any happiness since my brothers death and I just don't agree. The truth is I'm very happy with my family (meaning me, my fiancé, and son). If I were to tell them that they would get mad because my brother is dead. I can't be happy about anything because my brother died.

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