Bullying military dad whose been absent for past 3 years

Tiffany - posted on 09/15/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My son will be 4 soon, since he was born his father has only been around maybe 5/6 months of his life. We are currently going through a divorce, and he's trying to bully me telling me he will take my son out of state where is he stationed when he feels it's necessary. I'm having an issue with this because up until a week ago he hasn't tried to call, Skype or see our son.

Now he is calling me every day, which I'm fine with I would like our son to know him, but why now? The biggest thing that upsets me is he was the one he said we were not working we haven't been under the same roof in almost 5 years. He kept saying he would get full custody of our son because I worked at Dunkin donuts and I didn't make enough money. Now that I have a good paying stable job he has nothing but negative things to say like I put work before my son which is not the case everything I do is for my baby boy. I didn't work the first two years of his life to spend as much time with him as possible. I bring him to school, birthday parties, Drs apts. I know his allergies (which his father hospitalized him over!!!) which brings me to my next point his father says I don't communicate these things to him I have a log of when I tell him things because he's constantly accusing me of not telling him things.

If you were to ask him today who our sons dr is he wouldn't be able to tell you seeing he's only been to two of his apts his whole life! And when he comes home I'm more then compliant let him spend the night, let him spend as much time as he has time for with our son and all he does is shower him with toys. Then throws it in my face " see he wants to stay with me" of course throw a new toy at a 3 year old every day of course he'll like to stay being a parent is more then buying toys. It's being there when they wake up making breakfast, bathing, bringing to school, doing projects, playing, making dinner, reading before bed time.

All he does is bully me, now calling me 6+ times a day when he knows I'm at work and our sons at day care and when I answer and say hello hes like oh I'm at work what's up like calling me just to say hi. We were together for 10 years the whole time emotional abusing me cheating on me and telling me I'm crazy going to therapy only to find out I was right the whole time. Telling me I'm not a good parent because our son got an ear infection or telling me I need to do this and I need to do that like no your not here I do everything for my son don't tell me what I'm doing wrong when I'm the only one who has been here.

I almost feel like his behavior could be classified as harassment, especially seeing up until a week ago he didn't want nor feel the need to reach out to our son. All we are to him is a pay increase. He complained about the divorce because he wasn't going to get family separation or bah any longer now he says well at least I get to benefit from being a bachelor the rest of my career so I get housing and won't have to live in the barracks. Like really that's all he cares about that's why we got married at 18 your main focus should be our child not getting out of the barracks!

Sorry for the rant I'm just so confused and so stressed out. I don't want him basically a stranger to my son taking him out of state. I'm fine with shared custody when he's home but taking him out of state I don't trust he won't try to keep him!

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Tiffany - posted on 09/16/2015

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He hasn't its awful and not fair to our son. I hate that I feel like I have to force our son on him I got to the point where if he doesn't want to see him then don't. I keep everything logged as my sons dr had advised me to do. All my son is to him is a pay increase its the only reason why he's not showing any interest because he gets out of the barracks again. When he's home and does take my son. I know his family talks to me he spends some time with him then he goes and does whatever he wants leaving my son with his aunt it's not right. My state does a survey on our child's history while deciding custody. Having everything documented even have notarized documents with both his and my signature and I can guarantee you he'll say I didn't communicate it to him. Luckily I have Harrison's dr, daycare, both sides of the family who are willing to speak upon my behalf

Jodi - posted on 09/16/2015

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5 months in 4 years averages out to be close to every second weekend - which is what many non-custodial parents get anyway, so that's probably on par with a lot of parents.

Ultimately, it isn't about what you want or what you feel comfortable with, it ends up being about what is decided by the court. In your case, clearly you don't want him to take the child out of state, and he wants to. Unless you have evidence that this is not in the best interests of your child, they probably won't object to that. He lives in a different state. If it is because you don't trust he won't keep the child, then as I said, that's why you have court orders for these things - if it is court ordered that he have visitation at certain times, then he is legally obligated to return your son or he gets in trouble with the law.

There is a chance, if he has shown no interest until recently, that he may lose interest again. However, you need to make sure you have appropriate custody orders, and if he wants to change that, then let him apply to change it. If he has little interest, chances are he won't pay to take you to court anyway.

Tiffany - posted on 09/16/2015

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I got pregnant, when I was 7 weeks when he got deployed. The entire deployment I was high risk almost lost our son he was cheating on me with female marines. Hence not living together for almost 5 years. I didn't say visitation had to be in my home. I prefer him to not take my child out of state. As I had stated in my post he has told me once he gets him I'm not getting him back. When he is in our home state he takes him whenever he chooses he has time for our son. I don't demand to be present. Also as I had stated he has only seen our son approx 5 months out of the 4 years of his life. He doesnt call. When he takes leave he goes and sees his gf not his child. I have to practually beg for him to see our son when he is home. Make no sense to me why now all of s sudden in the last week he shows an interest!
Also the other reason I don't feel comfortable with him taking my son out of state.. I provided him an emergency medical card with allergies, dr name medications etc. he hospitalized our son by giving him something he is allergic to!! & when he brought him to the hospital (I was at work ) he didn't know who our sons dr was his allergies nothing gladly I got there a few mins after they did. He doesn't pay attention. Puts everything for our child always has. It upsets me that my son questions this.

Jodi - posted on 09/16/2015

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Why do you have an issue with him taking the child out of state sometimes to HIS home on his visitation? I would suggest he is likely to get that. He shouldn't have to have his visitation in your home. He is entitled to have visitation in his own home. Once you have custody order, if he chooses to keep the child and not bring him home, you have legal recourse. So just make sure you have custody and visitation orders sorted out.

I must admit, I am confused how your child is 4 and you haven't lived under the same roof as your ex in 5 years, but either way, he has rights too.

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