can anyone give any advice

Hannah - posted on 09/08/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I had a baby with my ex partner. He decided to leave me at 16 weeks pregnant and didn't want anything to do with the whole pregnancy and I had a pretty bad pregnancy experience. He didn't answer the phone when I called to say I was in labour. He eventually answered to my sister, when he arrived at the birthing centre I decided I didn't want him in the room. I later found out he'd brought his mum along who was shouting her mouth off about solicitors whilst I was giving birth. Luckily she had left before I got out of the room. When I brought my son home he was coming over everyday for his 2 week paternity but spending all day starring into the moses basket. He didn't consider doing anything when the baby cried so it was all down to me (which I don't mind). Now he comes over twice a week for 2hours as we agreed 2 hour visits were better. He's now arguing with me and going to solicitors so he can have my son on his own. I'm not going to allow this as he has no idea what he's doing. He's changed 10 nappies, made 3 bottles (2 were made wrong), doesn't play with him, he comes in and it's baby up on his shoulder walking back and forth the kitchen for 2 hours. My son doesn't know his dad as he never sees his face. There is a violent history of punching walls, doors, anything that doesn't work, kicking me off the bed, grabbing me. He has now started drinking again. We are currently going through mediation but he has already said he's going to take me to court as he knows I don't agree with him having him alone. He says stupid comments when he's here the other day he said he was going to pick him up as he was severely hurting him. He turns up with other family members and doesn't let me know even if we've spoken earlier in the day. He's not on the birth certificate as I know this would make him feel empowered and try and take more control than he has now. He is very controlling and has been for the 5 years we were together. I guess I'm just asking what would any of you do in this situation. There is a safety issue and I feel sick that he might get what he wants and put my boy in danger. Also he has a weird obsession with knives and sharp objects which he has on display in his room ranging from normal knives to a machete so again a dangerous situation

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Sarah - posted on 09/09/2015

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He may not know what to do with a 14 week old yet, but he really hasn't had much of a chance. Even if you put baby in his arms and go in the other room, he knows you are there and you can hear them. He is probably nervous and the baby picks up on that and then they both get frustrated. If he doesn't know how to mix the bottle, show him. Although I am curious how he got it wrong. Everyone needs practice at changing diapers, bathing and learning to soothe a child. You commented that he doesn't know his dad because he is always up on his shoulder. There is nothing wrong with him holding him like that and he is getting to know him, the way he feels, sounds and smells.
It was not right to leave his name of the BC, legally and ethically. If you know he is the dad, then he belongs on the document. If her were to pass away or become disabled, the baby would be entitled to benefits. At some point dad is going to get to be alone with is son and he will learn to ask for help if he doesn't feel judged for needing help in the first place. I certainly had a million questions when I brought my first baby home. If my hubby had changed 10 diapers in the first 3 months I'd have been thrilled.

Hannah - posted on 09/09/2015

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Yes he is given the chance. I've been told by my solicitor to just had my baby to him and see how he copes this will then say whether he can handle him alone as he stated to his solicitor. He has proved he can't. However much it kills me to hear my baby cry for nearly an hour I have to let it happen. I've explained countless times about the care of my son but yet he doesn't listen and then he asks everyone if he's doing something wrong and again we explain and it's just a continuous circle. I'll never stop him seeing him as every child deserves to know who their dad is but I just can't accept him having him alone. I don't get frustrated with him just the fact he doesn't listen

Jodi - posted on 09/08/2015

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And he is perfectly entitled to ask for alone time. Just because you agreed to supervised visitation originally doesn't mean he has to stick with that.

He can't cope with the child when you are around? Has he ever really been given the chance? Has he ever really been taught how to? Or does he just do it wrong so you take over? You know, he doesn't just automatically know how to deal with these things. he isn't with the child 24/7 like you are - you have to guide him and teach him, not get frustrated with him.

Hannah - posted on 09/08/2015

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Thankyou for your response. Supervised visits have been agreed between the two of us but it's now he's asking for alone time. He can't cope with my son when.I'm around so there's no chance he could do it alone. Saying what do you want in a harsh voice to a 14 week old baby is unacceptable in my eyes. Getting frudtrsted with him.when he cries not knowing what to do with him when he cries. He says he won't play with him as it makes him cry and he only likes it up on his shoulder nothing else. I have.such a happy baby until he comes over. I know being with him 5 years I should have known this would happen but when your away from the relationship things are alot more clearer and now I see the violence and control he had. I used to just brush it off saying it was an off day. Everyone I know who has met him has said there is something wrong with him but didn't want to say when I was with him as I wouldn't of seen it. Family members have expressed a fear that he would shake my boy in frustration when he can't handle his crying. Its just a hard time right now, I've been dealing with solicitors since the day after I gave birth.

Jodi - posted on 09/08/2015

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His violence isn't directed towards the child and legally, he does have a right to be a father of the child without you around. There is a really big chance, unless you can prove he is likely to be a danger to the child, that he will get unsupervised access, and as your child gets older, this will include overnights.

Dove - posted on 09/08/2015

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Gather any evidence you have of his violence (police reports, recorded texts/emails/phone conversations), get a lawyer, and go to court. He may be a total scum bag, but he is the father of your child and unless a court rules otherwise... he has a right to a relationship w/ his child. If you want him supervised while your son is a baby... you need to have solid evidence (not just your word) that unsupervised visitation will be harmful to your child.

You were with him for 5 years knowing what he is like and you still chose to have a child w/ him, so now you get to deal w/ him for at least the next 18 years... Good luck!

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