Can I call CPS anonymously? Bio-Mom is neglecting my boyfriend's 2y/o

Clarissa - posted on 07/16/2012 ( 48 moms have responded )

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For all intents and purposes, we will call my boyfriend's son my stepson to make it easier. SO... Bio Mom has full custody and they're in the process of divorcing now, all that's left is the court date before a judge to finalize it. I started dating my boyfriend right before Christmas and we told her about us at the beginning of March. She still holds a candle for my boyfriend but I think she sees me as a free babysitter. She gave up custody of their 2y/o son to my boyfriend for the summer (literally, all summer) and I'm watching him while he works. She recently got my stepson back for a weeklong visit and his skin (he has eczema) came back literally falling apart. I mean scratched open (his nails had not been cut), red patches everywhere, flaky, dry... I mean I cried when I saw it. This happens every time that she has a visit with him or when my boyfriend gets him for the weekend. She neglects to put his ointment or lotion on him. Can I call CPS and anonymously report her? It's gotten to the point that it is complete neglect.

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Misty - posted on 07/19/2012

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All I have to say is you better have all your ducks in a row. Once CPS is involved they will be digging in your life too. Especially since in your own words you and your BF have the boy most of the time. So you make sure your BF is prepared for weekly visits, unannounced visits, parenting classes and whatever else CPS deems. Also once you're involved in the CPS courts they retain jurisdiction so no matter what the Divorce Judge decides about custody the CPS court can override it. Once a case is open they will be in your lives for at least 1 year and that's if you do everything to their satisfaction. If you don't or if you give any attitude it can be longer.
As fat as the bathroom thing maybe she thinks that's the safest place. Does she have a crib for him, his own room? Try and suggest she put him in the crib as long as he can't climb out or putting him in his room with the door closed and she stand at the door to make sure he doesn't hurt himself during his tantrums.
As far as talking you guys have him more than the mom so you are just as much to blame about 'not teaching him'. I think you are just trying to put it all on her but truthfully if he isn't talking at all like you said then you need to quit the blame game and have him evaluated for hearing and speech deficits.

Katrina - posted on 07/18/2012

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i have to be honest here.. i see your concerns.. but i am aslo seeing something else.. you say you are on great terms here.. but you are bashing her in every post.. if you really are concerned for the boy.. take him to the dr, and have your boyfriend make the call to cps.. as well as file for custody.. and supervised visitations.. unfortunately.. i have been on the other end of the new girlfriend who calls cps and reports me for nothing.. and had to deal with a visit that was not warranted or fair.. all because of the new girlfriend.. so i cant really be objective here.. also.. mention it to other family members.. YOU should not be involved at all.. or it will look like manipulation.. believe me..spoken from experience.. If its a real problem.. the husband should deal with it.. because bottom line.. they are the parents.. if he has a problem like you do.. then do whats right and call.. regardless if she finds out.. and YES.. if they determine it is either false.. or you give your name.. they HAVE to tell who reported you.. its the law!

Maren - posted on 07/17/2012

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Keep taking those photos, on your phone would be good because it is easy to see the timestamp as to when it was taken, and keep documentation of all "reminders" you are sending her, save the texts and facebook messages. All of those will help him to get custudy.

As far as CPS is concerned I believe they have to take every call seriously anonymous or not, if they were to ignore a complaint that resulted in serious injury or death they would have a lawsuit on their hands. If nothing else give them a call and ask what their policy is. Does someone have to give their name, if they do can they request it is kept private?

Like Dove said if you take him to the doc every time you are getting him from his mom, make sure the doc knows he just came home from his moms like this. The more this happens will cause the doc to make a report. And CPS will NOT ignore a doctor.

Jodi - posted on 07/20/2012

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Katrina - posted on 07/19/2012

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and i am going to say it,, HE IS NOT YOUR CHILD!!! In a court of law.. you have ZERO say! The judge would laugh you out of court and have you removed if you even tried to talk.. you need to get a clue sweetie.. just cause he is staying with you part time.. you are NOT the mom.. or even the step mom.. back off.. before you are the one to get hurt.. i really am trying to be nice here.. and give you fair warning of what you are about to face.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/13/2014

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Anna - posted on 03/13/2014

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in response to the post above mine it doesnt matter if she is the actual step mom or not she has every right and responsibility to report any suspension of abuse or neglect. I happen to be a social worker so i am very qualified to say what i am saying. regardless of your title if you are the person who is primarly with the child then you would be the first to notice any changes abuse or not. Being that you are not a parent in the case i would just reccomend that you and your boyfriend do set down and discuss your concerns and what you two should do together and have your plan. But making a hotline call just means you are a person that is around the child alot and you have a real concern about possible abuse or neglect and then whoever takes your call its their responsibility to look into it and find out if there is real abuse or neglect or just a case of excuse my bluntness but just a parent that's being lazy in care giving. It is always better to make the concern known to someone who has the authority to look into it and find nothing then you not make a call and something serious happen. I do hope that helps you

Michelle - posted on 07/20/2012

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Clarissa - posted on 07/19/2012

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I'm not asking advice for my relationship with his dad, nor am I soliciting an opinion on the mothering role I play in his life. Y'all don't get that this woman LOVES having me in her sons life. Not only because I take care of him for her so she can work more, party more etc., but bc I'm one extra person who loves him as my own. Additionally she loves who her ex is with me and has told me I bring out the best in him in a way she never could. Granted, theirs was a shotgun wedding that lasted not even 2 years so the split was something they both weren't really surprised by. She knows he calls me mommy and is fine with it. Like I said before, she and I are very amicable.

I'm not trying to shift blame from her to the daycare or vice versa. I'm saying both are at fault and was weighing my options about which would have the most effective outcome for the child in case there were any way to not have to have the state forcibly remove custody from her. And I am a peds/OB nurse so this is kind of my thing. I'm a new nurse and haven't really dealt with this situation out of a hospital. Anyway I don't have the desire to tell every aspect of the situation because it would take forever to explain, but from y'alls perspective ya I suppose I could see how I might seem like I have no idea what's happening. Trust me though, I do. It's my situation. Just wanted to know the details on CPS. Discovered that in my state they cannot be told who called on them unless she were to take the case to court to fight to get custody back. She may be watching him next weekend and if so, my bf is going to have a discussion with her about the skin before we let him go back to her. If that doesn't work, I'm definitely calling CPS once he's back in her custody this fall and the state agents can see for themselves how horrible his eczema gets from being ignored. I have eczema too so I know how itchy and uncomfortable it is when left untreated.

Katrina - posted on 07/19/2012

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wow.. now its the daycares fault? Girl .. you have no kids at all and need to grow up some.. if he is in daycare.. and is not talking.. there is no way it is from that.. social interaction alone would have done it.. sweetie.. you really need to stop judging.. and get a grip.. there is obviously nothing more than what you want not getting done.. and from the comments and blame you are placing on everyone but yourself and your boyfriend.. its very clear you need a reality check.. come see us when you actually have either a child of your own.. or are a peds nurse.. or daycare provider.. this is spoken not only as a mother.. but as a 20 year daycare provider and mother of special needs children.. you keep saying different things to the point its hard to keep track.. whos fault is it.. mom or daycare? and how the heck are you qualified to judge.. better be ready.. the daycare itself.. if you call on them.. and its proven false.. will get you some jail time.. that is a false report.. and they will come after you.. make sure you have all your ducks in a row..

Clarissa - posted on 07/19/2012

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Misty, thank you for the response. I guess I shoul make it clear though that we don't have him most of the time, just this summer while I am back home to take care of him. After meeting me twice, she asked if we would take him for the summer and I could watch him during the day when my bf is working. My bf was thrilled to see his son more and I jumped at the opportunity to bond with him.

He began speaking the first week that I started watching him and he had at least 25 words down by the end of the first week!! I suspected hearing deficits as well but as you spend time around him, it becomes clear that it's just a lack of attention at home and daycare. I am thinking of calling CPS on the daycare instead once his summer stay with us is over because although biomom isn't putting lotion on him, the daycare has been instructed to do so as well and since he is there 8-5 when mom has him, she can't supervise what the daycare is doing. That way, instead of directly affecting her, she would see the facility face repercussions for their role in his neglect and hopefully begin to take his care more seriously. I really have zero problem with my bf's ex as a person and I'm always very nice to her, but I cannot respect her as a mother when I see my child's skin that way. And don't say he's not my kid lol my bond with him and role in his care and future dictate otherwise. Plus that's not the point of this site/post :) thank y'all for some great answers and suggestions though!!

Clarissa - posted on 07/19/2012

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Oh I'm not trying to push her out. She is his mother and there's no changing that, I just think that she could be a better mother to him if she only sees him every other weekend so that she doesn't get overwhelmed and neglect him. And the partying isn't just wknds that we have him, it's wknds that she has him too. Occasionally she will ask us to pick him up for a weekend bc she claims she has to work but then we see fb posts of her going out and getting drunk all weekend instead. This last time she was supposed to have him for 9 days so I cut his fingernails the afternoon before we took him. She asked me to pick him up 2 days early (so after spending 7 days w her) and when I did, his nails had not been cut. I think it's a huge contributor to why his skin is bad. Like I said already, I want her to be a good mother and I want her to retain a positive role in his life, but right now she's not meeting those needs or fulfilling her role as a mother and caregiver.

Katrina - posted on 07/19/2012

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Clarissa.. it sounds like sour grapes here.. you are bashing her again.. what she does on weekends she does not have her son.. is none of your business.. even if it is to party.. you are being manipulative here.. talking about the great relationship you have with her.. then trashing her.. its just to familiar here.. sounds like you want the boy for yourself.. and her out of the picture.. if he is not divorced from her yet.. you need to get a clue.. and when it ends with him.. him and his family will bash you as well.. take a lesson from someone who has been on both sides of the fence.. back off.. and let the father deal with it.. even if your heart is in the right place.. you are never going to be mom... and frankly.. he is your BOYFRIENDS son.. not your step son.. big distinction there darlin! In a court of law.. YOU have no say at all! also.. im agreeing with the other moms opinion.. if he is scratching himself that badly.. you knew the nails were getting long and chose to let the mom deal with it.. no whining about it now.. My son is 19. had eczema all his life.. and if your a nurse.. then you know as well as i do.. that the creams make no difference sometimes.. especially in the heat or an allergy flair up.. my son can g to the store.. and flair up to the point he has sores.. and it was not a damn thing i did.. if you are that concerned.. call his dr.. who has to report it ... then its out of your hands and does not look like sour grapes.
i think you do love him.. but you need to step back and really look at the situation.. if the judge did not award your boyfriend custody.. and all this must have come out over the custody case.. then what is you or your boyfriend doing to not get custody?.. clearly.. if this is going on for months.. you have not been to concerned for him.. or a simple phone call or even asking the judge during the divorce could have cleared this up.. but in the meantime.. unless you want to be the bad guy.. let your boyfriend (NOT your husband) deal with it.. because bottom line.. it is between him and her.. it is their child.. you my darling.. need to stay out of it.. If you and your boyfriend are that concerned.. talk to the judge.. or your lawyer and have it worked out there.. the judge is best qualified to handle it.

also the calling you mommy thing.. if he is under the age of 3.. he will call any woman who loves and cares for him mommy.. sucks.. but does not mean he looks to you as his mommy.. i am a home care provider.. and little ones call me mommy all the time.. they spend the majority of there time with me.. its natural and not reflective on the parents at all. She is his mother.. regardless of what you or your boyfriend may have wanted.. i wish my ex was not the father of my kids.. but he is and that cant be erased.. just something to deal with..

you need to think long and hard before you either do anything.. or continue this relationship.. she will always be his mother.. and if you push her out.. at some point that child will come to resent you for it... maybe not now.. but in a few years.. now.. sit back and ask yourself.. can you deal with this women for the rest of your life.. cause they will always be connected through this child.. birthdays.. weddings.. grandchildren together.. if the answer is no.. back out now.. if yes.. then talk to her.. and let the boyfriend figure it out.. bottom line.. its his problem to deal with.. not yours..

Reba - posted on 07/19/2012

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You say she had him for a long weekend. Sorry, if the nails needed clipping, it needed done before she picked him up. Even if the long weekend was 5 days, if he had scratched himself that badly, his nails needed clipping before he left.

You knew the situation with the boy, his mom, and your "boyfriend" before you got into it. They are not divorced yet? And you are dating him? Sorry, no sympathy here for you.

That being said, you can call anonymously but even if asked to identify yourself for future contact if necessary, they can NOT provide your name to the parent.

Also, if this is continuously happening, it might be grounds for the father to obtain custody.

Lisa - posted on 07/19/2012

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Clarissa, I hate to tell you this, but of course your boyfriend (of not even a year) is going to tell you how awful she is. You really dont know her side. If she is the custodial parent, maybe she is in over her head and needs help, not someone reporting her to services. Im a single mother and my ex paints me as the devil. He claims that the reason his relationship with his son is horrible is because of my interference. Nevermind that he's drunk most days of the week and my son cant tolerate it, he and his family still blame me.

Once again, my question to you is, if she is such a horrible mother, why is your boyfriend, the child's father, not taking her to Court of legal custody???? Why isnt HE the one making every effort to save his son. As much as you may love this child, and Im sure your do, it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO ENSURE HIS SON'S SAFETY. Why does he continually allow his son to come back in a condition that you both deem as unacceptalbe and unsafe? Im really curius...

Clarissa - posted on 07/19/2012

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And for all those wondering, yes my bf has talked to her about making sure the lotion and medicated ointment are used and how often but she either A. Says "okay!" and then neglects to do it anyway or B. cries and accuses him of calling her a bad mother. If bf brings up to her how bad his sons skin is she says things like "oh I know! My poor baby". But then never does anything about it. I'm a nurse so I know about the medical side of all this. Sorry that was 3 separate posts. Its 8am and my thoughts are disheveled lol

Clarissa - posted on 07/19/2012

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Oh and to the poster who said she's "going through a hard time"... I'll make sure to print out all the Fb photos she posts of her having a "hard time" every weekend with her friends. Or the status updates about "needing someone to f***" bc she just read a romance novel. There, now I guess I was mean. But I love her son. In my eyes, I'm a parent and my bf sees the same thing. He even calls me mommy.

Clarissa - posted on 07/19/2012

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Hey y'all. I found out that in my state I can report her anonymously and my name will only be given if she decides to take the charges to court and fight to get him back, but everyone in my boyfriends family knows she won't. She can't afford it, first of all, and second of all, she never bonded with her son (from what bf and all his fam/friends told me) so she doesn't feel that pull to her child like most of y'all do. And I'm not trying to "take her kid away" or "replace his mom" as someone suggested I think. I really wish she was responsible and cared for him properly so that when we dropped him off at her house, he didn't go inside screaming and holding his hands out for me and his dad. And yes, she and I are on good terms. She texts me, we call each other, if I'm going up to her work to get the car seat because she's working late, I'll bring her her fave coffee, she will facebook message me and make small talk about my career, school, etc. but me being able to be polite and cordial for my ss's sake still does not make her a good mother. It takes more than genetics for that.

MeMe---(Past And Present) - posted on 07/19/2012

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Christy, by your attitude, I actually find your posts to be very obnoxious and rather uncalled for. Clarissa has left two posts and they were not at all deserving of such ridicule. I think if anyone needs a reality check, it is you. Your posts are very anger filed and a heck of a lot worse than anything Clarissa has written.



You need to go back and re-read what Clarissa has written because it is not, what you seem to think it is.

Holly - posted on 07/18/2012

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I work at a cps office & yes you can report un-named.. Please make sure it is a relevant report!! Good luck, any situation like this is extremely Tough

Joy - posted on 07/18/2012

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I bf taking son to dr and havin gb talk about concerns with them first. That would then be on record and since divorce isnt final the dr reports can be used for court. He does not seem to be in immnent danger.

Dove - posted on 07/18/2012

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Christy, are you seeing posts from her that are not on this particular thread? MeMe is right in that what she has said here is not all THAT bad... My curiosity is certainly peaked....

Christy - posted on 07/18/2012

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No Slack Given she needs a reality check. Glad she loves the kid, but she not the mother. And I pray this psycho never is a mother. There is one thing to love a child and another to try and steal one. She seems to be back stabbing the Real Mother every chance she gets to better her odds at taking over mothering. However I hope karma comes around to slap her in the face for what she has done.

MeMe---(Past And Present) - posted on 07/18/2012

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Dove, the way I see it is this. You can be on good terms with a lot of people, however, that does not mean you want to rock the boat. Sometimes, pushing something, will do just that. Also, we must remember, this is a site for mothers to come to and ask for advice, give advice and/or vent.

It would not be uncommon for someone, that was on good terms with the bio-mom, still wonder if perhaps she is going about it the right way. It also, does not mean she is feeling completely positive with her feelings on what the issue may be.

Honestly, I have not read any bashing. She has not called her a worthless piece of crap or a bitch. She has simply said, the mother is not properly taking care of the kid. Unless, I missed something?

I suppose, for me, where this is a site of the unknown (COM). I prefer to give the benefit of doubt and hope that if there is an issue, anyone and everyone, would step in and help the said child. Now, if someone is just trying to stir shit, well, we all know karma is a bitch. ;)

Dove - posted on 07/18/2012

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I definitely see your point MeMe, but I also see the point of a poster on the other page who mentioned how Clarissa states she is on good terms with biomom yet here she is slamming the woman as well. If you are on good terms with someone that 'typically' means you are able to communicate with each other and work through problems together.

I don't want to doubt Clarissa, but I've had experience with a lot of false accusations in a very similar situation... except there has never been a single sign wrong with any of my children.

MeMe---(Past And Present) - posted on 07/18/2012

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Christy - Some people love a child, whether it came from their loins or not. I bet, if there was no issue and the child was being taken care of properly, there would be no problems. Also, just remember Clarissa IS with the bio-father and he IS taking care of the child every way he can. Whatever he worries about, is going to affect Clarissa. Cut her some slack, she cares about the kid. Do you realize how many step-parents HATE their step-kids?



Truthfully, I could careless if a kid is biologically mine or not, if there is something amiss and the child is not adequately being taking care of, I would be doing something too. Even if the kid was a neighbour. Children need a voice and we are their voice. If you know something is not right, it is YOUR duty to help them. End of story.

Christy - posted on 07/18/2012

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After further reading your other posts on this situation. Maybe you should back off and really take a good look at yourself, and the parents of this child. Your NOT the mother, and you need to know your place. Instead of trying to replace the boys mother with yourself. She is going thru a hard time and your not helping anything by trying to do a mommy take over! He still married and that is still his wife, so you are hardly that boys mother!

MeMe---(Past And Present) - posted on 07/18/2012

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Yes, CPS can give the complainants name. This may vary, depending on where you live. You should call and ask the question, so you know for sure.



ETA:

I should add that I have a friend that works with CPS and they "do" give the names of the complainant.

Christina - posted on 07/18/2012

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CPS cannot give your name to her if you did the calling. when you call in ask them before I give you this information I want to make sure I remain anonymous. But I am pretty sure they cannot give that info to her for your protection (retaliation). hope everything gets better and hope this helps!

Christine - posted on 07/18/2012

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What I would do, would be to take the child to the Pediatrician, every time he is left back in your custody, so that the cases can be documented by a Dr. If they begin to see it too much, than they may be required to report her. I know that if I witnessed what you have, I already would have taken him to the Dr. at least once, and more if this was not a single instance.



I would suggest getting a health professional involved, either way.

Amy - posted on 07/18/2012

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I agree with Christy, my son has eczema & I keep it under control...but when he is around cats (he doesn't even have to pet one) I can tell because his allergies flare up & even with allergy meds right behind his earlobes (don't know why that's the main spot) get so bad for 3-4 days that I cannot put enough on & it truly would look to any one else like I have been ignoring it but trust me I put so much cream on it. Btw it took me a few time of it happening to pin point it because as I said he doesn't even have to touch the cat & it doesn't happen with any of his other allergies (seasonal). Good luck

Kimberly - posted on 07/18/2012

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I apologize, apparently this varies by state. Where I work CPS is never allowed to give the name of the reporter, reporters are protected by law in my state.

Christy - posted on 07/18/2012

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Have you even tried to talk to the mother about her son's skin condition? Maybe there is something she might be missing. Like allergen free laundry detergent, or maybe trying a different bath soap. A lot of different things can flair up Eczema even when you are treating it with creams that the doctor recommends or prescribes. There maybe an allergen in her home that you may not have in yours, more than likely that is causing the flare up.. It would be good for both of you to try and pin point what is cause, rather than calling children's services over something that she may not have been able to control.

Katrina - posted on 07/18/2012

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really? Cause the CPS report i was given.. clearly stated the name of the person who called and reported me... and i was given it when asked!

Kimberly - posted on 07/18/2012

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CPS cannot give the name of the reporter, the reason people think they can is that it is usually very easy for people to figure out who called them in based on the information that CPS has. CPS has to tell you why they are investigating, but NOT who reported. I would say in your situation she is very likely to know exactly who called her in, however, if you have tried everything else and are truly concerned about his well-being you shouldn't let that stop you. You could try being totally honest with her and telling her that you are concerned enough about his health that if something doesn't change you will call CPS to protect him.

Lisa - posted on 07/18/2012

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Clarissa, why isn't your boyfriend taking pics and taking her back to Court for primary custody. I mean, I understand where you're coming from, but isnt this HIS son. Why isnt he taking the necessary steps to ensure his son's well being?

Clarissa - posted on 07/18/2012

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Yes she said he locks him in a bathroom when she doesn't know what to do during his temper tantrums. She said "oh he screams but eventually he forgets what he was mad about and stops and then I let him out". She also told me he is such a picky eater and sometimes can't get him to eat ANYTHING so she just gives him Oreos and chips. I know he's a picky eater, too, but I don't make special meals for him anymore. If the rest of us are having chili for dinner, he will learn to like chili. I don't let him run the roost and it sounds to me like she has no idea what to do so she just freaks and lets him have his way. Here's the kicker: he's 2 1/2 and can't talk yet except for single words here and there. She doesn't spend time teaching him anything. So it's not just the skin issue. There are so many things...

Renai - posted on 07/17/2012

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wow she locks him in bathroom? i would not delay i would call i would never want my child or any treated like that!
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Louise - posted on 07/17/2012

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You can be anonymously but have you tried pointing out the obvious first. Have you or the father asked why she has not put his cream on. If you get no joy then I would call but really you should have a go at confronting her first.

Clarissa - posted on 07/16/2012

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Hmm good suggestions. Thank y'all for the input. I've been stockpiling photos of his poor skin for the past 2 1/2 months in the event that I did have to call. She's just somethin' else... Told me that when he has tantrums, I could try what she does: lock him in the bathroom and let him scream. Jeez. I can't wait 'til my boyfriend gets custody and that baby gets taken care of by people who truly love him.

Renai - posted on 07/16/2012

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well if you think they will tell who called. ask a friend family member or co worker to call, someone she dont know.

Dove - posted on 07/16/2012

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My apologies then. Considering that you started dating in December, told her in March, and they are still in the process of divorcing.... I made an assumption that I shouldn't have made.

Yes, you can make an anonymous CPS call, but if you aren't willing to give your name they 'might' not be willing to take it seriously. I don't know for sure though. I would 'think' that a better bet would be to have his father take him back to the doctor every time he returns to him in this condition. I hope his skin condition gets under control quickly!

Clarissa - posted on 07/16/2012

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Umm WOW we can calm down with the animosity. He had been seperated for several months before he met met. I'm friends with his brother and he set us up. Anyway yes, we've talked to her about it and she cries and says he is calling her a bad mom (I'm not there for those discussions, nor do I want to be) and when she has him for visits, I will facebook message her or text her and ask if the lotion we gave is helping. I do it as a little reminder to her to be putting it on him. My boyfriend knows she won't buy lotion or ointment so he pays for it all and makes sure she has it every time we drop him off. Yes, she knows. She is just neglecting to do it every single time.

From what I've been told through the grapevine, though, CPS will let a parent know who called on them if the name is given. And I don't want that. She and I have a great relationship and I don't want her thinking I'm trying to sabotage her life or something. I'm just worried about his son :(

Dove - posted on 07/16/2012

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So first you take her husband and now you want to take her kid too?

Sorry. This doesn't sound like a good situation for the boy, but I have to ditto the previous response. Did you talk to her about it? Ask HER what the situation is with his skin and whether or not she's been treating it?

Renai - posted on 07/16/2012

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You can call and be annonomous I think. But even if you have to give your name they cps will not give the name of the person who reported them so your safe. Does the mother know she has to put stuff on him? is there special stuff and did you send it with him, maybe she dont have money for the ointment. Some mothers just dont care as much as others.

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