Can I go for child support if he's already giving me money?

Nicolechowansky - posted on 11/29/2016 ( 21 moms have responded )

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My ex husband and I never went to court over visitation or child support (he's very against it and feels like it will make him look like a bad father) my question that I can't seem to find the answer to is this. My ex DOES help with the cost of the children but I feel like I'm completely in the dark. I have no idea how much he makes, how much he should pay or basically anything. He just gives me money and that's it. Can I still file for child support even tho he is giving me money on a consistent basis? (He only has them maybe a total of 2 months out of the whole year) I keep finding articles of women going for child support when the father is a dead beat, he's not a bad father and he helps but comparing our lifestyles (im broke and he's paying for not only our children but his girlfriends expenses too and driving around a 709 dollar a month truck) I just want to make sure that our kids are getting what they deserve I'm not being screwed over trusting his numbers. Thanks, no judgements please.

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Jodi - posted on 11/30/2016

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I am starting to suspect HE has had advice around this and he knows he probably should be paying you more than he is currently paying. That would be the only reason I can think of that he would rather not get it ordered through the courts.

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Jodi - posted on 11/30/2016

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If he doesn't pay, they will enforce it. He is with Department of Defence - they will take it from his pay if he doesn't pay up. THAT is when he might get in trouble with his work - if they find out he isn't paying properly.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/30/2016

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Sort it out legally. That doesn't make him a bad father, it makes him a compliant one, with a set monetary amount for support and care for the children.

Michelle - posted on 11/30/2016

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I agree with the other ladies that you should get child support sorted out legally.
I know here in Australia it doesn't go to court. 1 parent can open a child support case and then CSA will gather the income from both parents from the tax office. They then work out the amount of child support to be paid.
I also think he knows that if he does it through the child support agency he will have to pay more, that's why he doesn't want you to pursue it.

Nicolechowansky - posted on 11/30/2016

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Plus he gets to be the fun dad when he does take them taking them to places like Disney and whatnot and I can't even phantom being able to do such things. After my income i make just enough to cover things like phone, car insurance, health insurance, groceries, gas, clothes and essential home items and maybe some trips to the movie theaters every once in a while. It's very obvious that he makes way more than me. (Im probably making 25 grand a year and my guess would be he makes about 90 but when you split up my total expenses for the month it's more so 50% his money and 50% mine)

Nicolechowansky - posted on 11/30/2016

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i guess I have carried this mentality of I should be grateful and not entitled to anymore because I have friends whom receive less than 500 a month per child and struggle to pay their rent. What he does give me meets my rent, gas and electric. So it might look bad to say that since there are worse people in my position. But when you compare our lifestyles, homes and vehicles he's def well off compared to me and it has me erked since I am the primary caregiver who struggles to meet all the extra expenses yet he's vacationing and pampering his jobless girlfriend. Hope I don't sound ungrateful.

Nicolechowansky - posted on 11/30/2016

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I suspect the same Jodi. Ev, not an excuse. It's like any sort of relationship, when someone doesn't get their way they have an issue. Yes, I've absolutely prolonged it for wanting to keep us civil and also being unaware if they will even enforce it since he does pay me consistently a decent amount but still very little when you compare our lifestyles.

Ev - posted on 11/30/2016

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Niki--
How does it cause tension? I think you are just using things for excuses not to do this. Doing this legally will make it better.

Nicolechowansky - posted on 11/30/2016

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I have pro longed to keep the peace. We are almost like friends, we get along, we don't fight, we have even taken our kids out together. I've withheld for as long as I can cause i know having legal child support obligations will put a giant tension between us which I obviously don't want, but I'm sick and tired of wondering. Thanks all

Ev - posted on 11/30/2016

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Niki,

Jodi is right. It sounds like to me he is telling you these things so you do not take it to court and get it all legalized. This is for the protection of all involved. As for visitation, you could request it set up a certain way so that it states when he is home he can get his visitation with the kids as you two can work it out. I am sure the judge or court would be willing to let you guys do that if you get it stipulated in those requests to the court because of his work. As for the child support, it does not affect a person's job. It is an obligation and since you say he is in the department of defense---that is a government agency here in the states so they are not going to use it against him. They will cooperate with the court orders on child support. Again, I think he is pulling your leg--ie. giving you excuses to get out of getting this legal. Also, if you want to show that he has paid all this time or he does, the court will acknowledge that he has made payments in the past but it won't be called child support as known legally. You need to get this taken care of immediately. You should have done so a long time ago.

Jodi - posted on 11/30/2016

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Ah, yes, in Australia we call those people "bush lawyers", meaning they really don't know anything but think they do.

If you file for court ordered child support, the courts won't dismiss it just because he is already paying. What you have to be prepared for, however, is that the courts may order less than he is already paying. The outcomes will generally depend on where you live and how much both of you are earning.

Nicolechowansky - posted on 11/29/2016

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I've had a few people tell me that they will not award child support if the father is currently taking care of said children. Like I said, he is paying me I'm just trying to make sure the amount is what is rightfully owed.

Nicolechowansky - posted on 11/29/2016

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Oh I don't expect to have both. And when I say deny I meant the court as in "oh he is helping to financially support the children so there's no need for court ordered child support to be pursued. He is an American citizen he just works for the department of defense

Jodi - posted on 11/29/2016

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Of course you can.....but you can't have both. If you go for child support, then that's all he has to pay. He doesn't have to pay you what he is already contributing on top of that.

In answer to whether he will just deny your request.....he doesn't get to deny your request. That's the point of having child support set up through the correct channels. They do check into incomes. I live in Australia, and they liaise with the tax office to assess child support to verify income of both parents.

When you say he is in Afghanistan, is he an American citizen?

Court ordered support does not affect jobs.

Nicolechowansky - posted on 11/29/2016

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I don't even know how they would go about visitation. He doesn't even know when he's home or gone untill like a month prior but he's mainly in Afghanistan 80% if not more of the year. We are def not the average situation where he can take them every other weekend or all summer. I'm wondering if he's just trying to hide his income from me and trying to get by with paying close to minimum. He says it's because his job as they do lots of evals, background checks and what not. He claims that being on court ordered support would effect his job. I started thinking about this more so the other day when I tried to get government health care since I can't afford it for myself. In the state of Florida they require the father to be on child support to help determine healthcare eligibility for the mother. She couldn't answer my question since she said the women she's used to dealing with never got any financial help from the fathers. So I decided to do my own research before I open up a can of worms. I'd hate to go through arguments with him for no reason. I couldn't find anything on the subject and can't afford advice from a lawyer, yet alone a lawyer so that's why I'm hoping to find other women whom have been in my situation.

Ev - posted on 11/29/2016

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You do not know what he would really do. And regardless of being overseas, you need that court order for visitation, child support and custody anyhow. It makes it legal and then if he were to take them out of the country without permission, he would be in trouble. And international custody issues are harder to deal with than in the States or in your own country. When you file for child support they would check into his income and base it off the percentage of his income he makes and make the orders accordingly, and he would have no choice but to comply or face jail time. Just because he gives you money on an consistent basis is good but it is not enough for the court without recording it. If he is good about giving it to you in the first place, what would be wrong with making it court ordered....

Nicolechowansky - posted on 11/29/2016

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I know he would never try to take them away from me, he's not that kind of guy, he's very work driven and he would never actually want to be a full time parent even if he could (he enjoys his freedom) my question is if i filed for child support could he say "I give her money" and then deny my request? Or would they at least check inTo his income?

Nicolechowansky - posted on 11/29/2016

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He works overseas. He has them for maybe a week or two at most every four months. Visitation would be pointless tho

Ev - posted on 11/29/2016

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You need to file for custody, child support and visitation. This way it protects all involved and you get the required by law child support he should be paying to you for the kids needs. Also it sets up the whole thing for you and dad about the custody and visitation. As of now without court orders, he can get the kids and not return them and there would be nothing you could do.

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