Can I keep my daughters dad from her?

Kayla - posted on 10/27/2011 ( 116 moms have responded )

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My daughters dad and I were never married and never lived together. We completely split up 7 months ago. Since then he has had her everyother weekend (which is more then what he saw of her when we were together). We live in a small town so people talk and I have been hearing for months about how he is out at the bar on the weekends he has her. I let it go for a while but he recently is asking to have her more and i dont think thats fair since he doesnt spend the time with her he is supposed to. Also i recently found out he allowed her to be around someone whom just got out of rehab for being on heroin. I was upset and when i brought it up him and his mother said that they would never let anything happen to her. i let him have her one more weekend after that and then I found out that weekend he had her he was out of town all weekend and our daughter was with gone hunting and both him and his mom lied to me. So i since then have told him he wasnt going to see her until we have a parenting plan and its court ordered. He also lives with 2 roomates and in the past the house was very unsanitary and she has been coming home with horrible diaper rashes every time i get her back. I dont trust his judgement right now and i want all this brought up when we are in court. Is this wrong? I am just really worried about what goes on when he has her.

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Supervised visitations. That's what it sounds like he needs and I think you need to do whatever you have to do to make it happen. I don't believe keeping her from him will do any good for her. But I also agree that your concerns about her safety and health are valid. Go to social services in your area and speak with someone there. They will be able to tell you what paperwork to fill out in order to get a judge to see your case and rule on it. I definitely think though, that in the mean time, you need to limit the time he spends with her on his own. I hate that it is that way with some kids and parents but, it sounds like you're really trying to do what's best for your daughter and that's the most important thing. So kudos to you! Keep her safe. Go for supervised visitation with him and if his mother gives you any shit then all you have to do is show her the court order. Good luck Momma!

Cindy - posted on 10/28/2011

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It sound like supervised visits would be best. You shouldn't keep him from having visits but your daughter needs to be kept safe and healthy. You need to get a a notebook and keep notes of EVERTHING. Everytime your daughter comes home with rash, write it down and even take pics. If you find out he left your daughter with someone else, write it down and ALL the details.

Debbie - posted on 10/28/2011

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Is he listed on the birth certificate as the father? Does she have his last name? Has he being giving you money for her? If so does he have receipts(money order stubs, etc.)? If he is not on the bc, then there is no proof he is the father. If he hasn't been helping you financially, he hasn't accepted responsibility for her in any way. If there isn't some kind of court order, you don't have to let him see her at all. I wouldn't if you are woprried about her safety. I've been through this myself and nobody is gonna hurt one of my kids. Make him go get a court order so he can see her, that way he will have to pay child support etc. and he will be accountable to the Judge. I wouldn't make it to easy on him, see if he will take the initiative. But I also think you should have an attorney to represent you, if you can't afford one, contact legal aid. Call the court in your area and ask them for the number. This guy sounds shady and I wouldn't hurry to fill out the parenting plan and give him any rights until you can make him control his drinking and/or drug use, filthy living conditions, and who he has your child around. Sounds harsh but rapes and abuses happen every day, don't take any chances. Hope everything works out for you. Your daughter has to be priority number 1.

Medic - posted on 10/27/2011

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Also without a court order you are not legally required to send her anywhere.

Medic - posted on 10/27/2011

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Heck no you should not let him dictate to you what he is going to do with your child if he cannot be responsible. I took my ex to court and got exactly what I wanted. He had to have supervised visits and I picked the person, he had to pass a drug test if I asked before he could see him, he had to abstain from alcohol 24 hours before receiving him and was not allowed to drink while he had him. The judge agreed and didn't ask my ex for his two cents worth.

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Amy - posted on 12/13/2011

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Thank you for asking this! I am in a nearly identical situation--and I appreciate all the answers you all have given. I can also appreciate what you are going through, because I'm living it as well. Hang in there and let us know what happens! (I wish I could get an attorney/legal advice as well, but my son's father owes me so much money I can't afford one!)

Angie - posted on 12/07/2011

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I am a family law attorney and I would encourage you to seek the advice of a family law attorney,
thanks

Dayna - posted on 12/04/2011

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yes you can. he is putting other things before your daughters safety and well being. My daughter is 12 now and hasnt seen her dad since she was 6 months old.

Dayna - posted on 12/04/2011

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yes you can. he is putting other things before your daughters safety and well being. My daughter is 12 now and hasnt seen her dad since she was 6 months old.

Mary - posted on 12/03/2011

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UMMMM. Acually he is abusing her when she is coming home with diaper rashes and is not there with her. It is called neglet. I agree that he does have the right to see her but his home needs to be baby proofed and cleaned. If he is going to have her he needs to spend time with her or she is going to have some major behavior problems later. I know my ex in a different way did the same thing. Good luck and go to court about it. Start writing down everything that has gone on for your court date.

Kat - posted on 11/29/2011

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@Talila, if only all our stories would turn out like yours! =) I really wish mine would but my bd is a selfish SOB and will always be that. Thanks for chimining in!

Talila - posted on 11/29/2011

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Hi sweetie. I am a single mother of one and my childs father and I are not together. We split when my baby turned 3 years old. I never kept her from her father, but I did put my foot down. From experience in working for the state with custody cases, by law you are the legal gaurdian and have every right to worry whether your child is safe and being well taken care of. By all means, this is the natural reaction of a caring mother. As a father, we would think that they do not want their children to live in unsanitary places. The first thing that most doctors look at when a child comes in with something wrong after a weekend with their dad is the mother. Since we are the custodial parent, everything comes back on us. The decision he had to make was to be a man and take care of his child or continue to be a selfish little boy that is careless towards his own flesh and blood. I told him that even though he gets his child, he needs to spend time with her because she will grow up resenting and hating him for not being apart of her life. As a mentor to single mothers, by all means do not keep her from her father, but let him know that if you all have to go to court there will be restrictions that he will have to follow. One promise I made to myself is to never keep my child away from her dad because I did not want her to have resentment towards or hate me. I hope this is very helpful. Best wishes.



P.S.

Now he is the best dad she could ask for.

Holly - posted on 11/28/2011

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if it is only about trusting his judgement you can not say when he can see his child. And if you have heard things about him going to bars etc when he has her, unfortunately when he has her its up to him if he wants to spend the time with her or not,providing she is in responsible hands ofcourse. they only thing you should be worried about is her safely and nothing else. the hygine thing if abit hard though, it could be just that he is a male and not conscious of whether or not she needs powder. my son goes to his dads once a fortnight and has for nearly 5 years now( turning 6 next year) i have always worried about his safely and especially hygine but have come to terms with the fact that it is his time. I know for a fact that on his fortnightly stays he goes to his other nans alot and i have been in the house and it is full of animals and never clean. i mean,u cant see the floor. and he has a girlfriend.he is also very immature and yes i knew this when we were together but overlooked it,so i always worry about him doing stupid things. You cant worry about these things because the fact of the matter is this is his child aswell and i have just realised that i was more anxious about my son spending time with someone else other than his mum.me. you both made her,so unless you are genuinely concerned about her safety( which u should call the police anyways) then u just have to share her. :(

Toni - posted on 11/28/2011

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Court papers do not make a difference if the police will not enforce the orders.... it often depends on the police department.

Toni - posted on 11/28/2011

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it is not wrong just make sure all your reasons are based on your child. there is a parent stress hotline that offers parenting classes... try and get him to go. tell him you love that he wants to be a proactive father but he is missing the best parts of his child's life by taking her and and not spending time with her... take a step back and make peace before court ask him to watch you daughter and hour here and there, so that he can properly bond, allow it to be at your home if you trust him to be in your home with out snooping or being an A@#. The goal is to get on the same page so that rules are maintained at both house holds as she grows up. Although your child is not school age pull up the school age calendar for your area and set visitation based on the calendar so it remains consistent as she grows and enters school. Parenting is stressful especially when you are doing it alone... If he is willing let him but teach him as oppose to attacking him. You have to be able to seperate the animosity or frustrations from your romantic relationship and just be parents. It is hard when they are not willing but if you present it to the courts as a united front it helps you feel you are doing right for your child.

Kelly - posted on 11/26/2011

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Geese, what a horrible situation! i would never want that for my children. I have become very protective of them both. i support your decision to go through the courts for the parenting plan. Even then, you can request for sole custody until he improves his living conditions. As for the lying that's going on, I don't know what to say. Lying is not ok, I would ask his mom why she did that to you. Above all, you have a right and responsibility to protect your child, so please look at it from that perspective.

Deanna - posted on 11/21/2011

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Hi......I had put in my parenting plan that if my ex was going to have a babysitter for more than three hr Span that I had to be asked to keep him first.......just remember everything that goes in your plan goes both ways. It has worked out great for me!

Simone - posted on 11/20/2011

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Without Court paper's he can keep her and you wont see her until papers are drawn up. I would go to the court asap and get something in writting.

Medic - posted on 11/09/2011

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Ok y'all child support and visitation do not go hand in hand. You cannot refuse visitation because he is behind on his child support, Likewise he cannot refuse to pay because he does not see the child. I think it is ridiculous to link the two. They are not linked in the eye of the law.

Jolene - posted on 11/08/2011

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you have right to stop him to see her becauce he not do right thing. may say he see at park with you or a change over place where he has to stay their. and tell him that way it is unit do right thing you are do right thing you be a mother and doing right thing don't feel bad you doing right thing.

Imamom2 - posted on 11/05/2011

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I would recommend a Mediator vs. running through the courts that way maybe you both could come out of the negotiation in a less adversarial way because you have many years ahead of you where you have to work together. Also be careful on "your what you can and cant do as that could apply to you as well. " Parents have lives so dictating you can't go out.. date etc. is not reasonable.. but you can state that no,, felons or convicted drug abusers are to have access to or be in proximity of. as well as travel restrictions outside of area can be conditions.

[deleted account]

I have found over the years, I will be celebrating my 52nd birthday soon, and experience of divorce, separation, and children are involved, it is best for the children to know both parents. By no means should a child be left with a parent that is not capable of caring for them. I feel what everyone is saying and I know the pain associated. The father of my two oldest children did not do a good job of keeping in touch with them when they were little and we were moving around the country (I remarried and he was in the Navy). He paid his child support of a whopping $100 a month. I encouraged the kids to call him, I encouraged him to visit them. At one time they went 1 year without hearing from him. I'm glad I did everything to keep them in touch as now that they are adults (30 and 32) they have good relationships with their dad. My Navy husband and I adopted a little boy. We divorced and he remarried and long story he took my son away. I didn't know where he was for 10 years. As soon as he turned 18 he found me and we have been rebuilding our relationship. I can say that his father keeping him away from me (he was abusive and did it out of spite) has caused great harm and my 22 year old is still working through a lot of feelings of hurt. He has not spoken to his father since. Fathers and mothers both have rights and responsibilities, and they are equal. Decisions have to made based on the best for the child and we need to separate our feelings toward the father and not let that play into a battle. At one time we cared enough about this person to have a child with him. As the child grows up they will know and make their own decision. My youngest son is now with me as he knew what is father did was wrong. We can't have it both ways, if we want fathers to be responsible (aka pay support) we must let the father have his rights to know the child. Protect your child if that is what is needed. The important thing is that your actions are based solely on the child and our feelings toward the father do not come into play. Easier said then done I know, but work at it. My daughter and her ex actually went to classes to learn how to co-parent after divorce. Yup, he has beat my daughter but he loves his child and never would treat her the way he treated my daughter. 8 years after the divorce they have a healthy relationship between themselves and unite on raising their child.

Jeannette - posted on 11/03/2011

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I live in Texas - where they stick it to dads who want to be deadbeats. Know what? I didn't fight for all of the back support because she was getting so traumatized by all of the trial setup. I settled, but I could have fought - and won. The judge was screaming and yelling at him for acting like a perv and contacting a young girl, whom he did not know or who knew him, via facebook rather than through her mother. The judge said that if I had not settled, he would have thrown the book at him.

He had 1 visit with her over the summer that lasted 2 weeks. During that visit he told her about how he searched for, and found, his first wife. He knew where she lived, who she was married to, when she got married; my daughter finally realized that he never searched for her. He was on and on about his first love (his first wife, he's on #3), and how if he could do that over again... My daughter was paying attention. He would have found her if he really cared. It has impacted what she thinks of him now.

Edited to add: he had my full married name, he has been on the birth certificate since birth, so he had rights and information to get started. He even knew what city I was living in - and I had moved without ever letting him know.

Cindy - posted on 11/03/2011

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I'm thinking it's more about the grandmother wanting contact and wanting to see your daughter. Which I totally understand. If you get on with your daughters grandmother and trust her to a degree, maybe you could offer her some kind of regular contact. I tried doing that but it was thrown back in my face. I offered to call round her house once a week for a couple of hours with my son, so that she could still see her only grandson, regardless of what else went on between my son and his father. She told me that I wasn't her family and never would be so she didn't want any contact with me. Since then she hasn't seen him at all. Which is a shame but it can never be said that I didn't try. She has had another grandson since then and his mother has heard her telling people that his is her only grandson. So she has now convinced herself and her friends that my son is not her grandson. Funny because he looks a lot like his dad. She has no idea what she is missing out on. Her loss not mine and not my sons.
What I'm trying to say is that maybe she is more bothered about seeing you daughter than her father is. Bring some kind of conclusion to that and you may find he losses interest as he is no longer being badgered by his mother.

Kat - posted on 11/02/2011

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Jeannette, i think the same thing will happen with mine. Except her father will want to see her he just wont do anything for. I DO ask her periodically if she wants to see him or call him and she adamantly says NO! She is 10yrs old. She KNOWS who and how he is and who "I" am. He kan lie all he wants later on. Or even now. Good for you for standing up to him. I always tell people you wont see me on tv talking about "idk where he took her"...i'll run first! But like i said erlier i have spoken to 3 lawyers and all have said without paperwork i kan take her anywhere i want to! @KAYLA i hope all of our experiences GOOD AND BAD will help you with some of your decisions and i dont wish our situations on ANYONE. But i am glad we have a forum like this one to give advice AND ASK FOR IT! Im sorry ladies if i talk a lot or interject a lot but i HATE men like these who treat our children like property that they OWN! And treat US THEIR MOTHERS as if we dont matter! I only wish to help or aid anyone else to not have to suffer as much or as long! JEANNETTE where do you live that you were able to sue for back support? i have mine paying support but he didnt start paying til she was 5 and they said because he didnt KNOW he owed the money! I filed in 2001 October and they didnt serve him til 2004. =(

Jeannette - posted on 11/02/2011

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I was not married to my daughter's father and I just left him. I was letting him see her up until the day he threatened to take her and never come back. So, I then told him if he ever wanted to see her again he would have to take me to court. Needless to say, he didn't (and he was an aerospace engineer; he could afford it) because he didn't really want to be bothered with her. She was about 9 months old when he last saw her. Then, he contacted her on fb when she was 16, brought up a bunch of lies...she wanted to meet him. So, I hired a lawyer, sued for back child support and current support, and now that she is old enough to run if there is a problem, he sees her. Well, let me clarify, he has seen her ONCE. He is planning another visit just before Thanksgiving, and maybe? Christmas. Where I live, a parent can walk away if they have never been married. Custody has to be legally established, and whoever has the child, has custody.

[deleted account]

Without all of the information it is hard to give an answer. There are a lot of things thatcome into play. Most importantly, fathers have the same rights and responsibilities for their children. Unless he is abusive or neglects her you SHOULD NOT keep her from him. My father was killed when I was little and growing up without him had a great impact on my life. If he goes out on the weekends he has her is it after she has gone to bed, is it at night, and does he have a babysitter? Honestly, how many parents have hired a sitter to go out at night... unless he is bringing her into the bar or is there all day and spends no time with her at all I don't think this is too big of an issue. Yes it would be nice if he stayed home on those weekends. Why would her being around someone who just got out of rehab an issue? Addiction is an illness, the person is recovering. As long as this person is not the babysitter or using and or high around the child there is not a problem. I have had a lot of experience and I am a grandmother, so I went through many of these issues. The problem we have as sngle moms is we set double standards. We expect fathers to be perfect when they have the children. Remember, small towns love to spread stories. The important thing is not what others are saying, it is what you and her father work out and know. You should be happy that he wants time with his child, thre are too many dads that don't. I give my daughter a lot of credit, although her and my granddaughters father are no longer together, they truly co-parent. They have always had equal time with her and as she gets older they both participate in her activities. She will be 11 tomorrow and is one of the most confident, well adjusted child I know. The best goal to have is to successfully co-parent.

Kat - posted on 10/31/2011

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LADIES! Just to clarify CHILD SUPPORT and VISISTATION do NOT have anything to do with eachother UNLESS the parents were MARRIED. He fights for visitation and She (assuming SHE is the custodial parent of course) fights for child support. just because he is paying CS does NOT automatically obligate the mother (custodial parent) to give him visitation. I have been gtg CS from my ex since 2006 (my daughter is 10) and I do NOT HAVE to let him see her. Matter of fact we haven't seen him in two years now. I kan leave the state if I want to. Talked to three seperate lawyers about it way back wen...all said the same thing. You do what u have to in order to keep ur kids safe UNTIL u r forced to court and the judge says otherwise. Only his actions (or non actions) towards the kid will have a bearing on the judges decision. They don't care what he did (or didn't do) with/to US. so keep tabs on EVERY action he makes that concerns the kids. Let me tell u. If he ain't paying CS THAT will NOT make the judge happy with him.

Ambrosia - posted on 10/31/2011

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Just because he gets visitation doesn't mean you won't get both legal and physical custody, which you should ask for.

Ambrosia - posted on 10/31/2011

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You just keep her. Make him take you to court and before he can be granted visitation they will have to put a plan into place. He can't call the cops, there's no custody agreement in place at the moment. Just keep her close and keep her safe. You don't want something worse to happen and to feel responsible down the line.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 10/31/2011

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I would recommend going to family court to discuss legal visitation rights just so you have everything spelled out and legal and lawyer-fied. I would also highly suggest supervised visitation. A friend of mine has to do it with her daughter's sperm donor and I had to do it with my older daughter's paternal grandma until I moved. The Judge should allow you to choose the place and time then you have to agree on it. By no means should you allow your daughter to spen time alone with her father or his friends when you don't know or trust any of them.



Make sure you document everything and if you can take pictures. This will help you in court.

Lisa - posted on 10/31/2011

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I think Deborah Warren has the veryyyy best post... Document everything...and technically you dont have to let him see her unsupervised, or at all...its up to you....if there is no court order for visitation....child support and visitation is two completely separate issues. They dont have nothing to do with each other. Its your baby girl....protect and follow your instincts...:)

Lisa - posted on 10/31/2011

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No, its not wrong at all. I would be worried about what goes on when he has her also. If he has her and he is going out to the bars, then who is watching her. Also I would have it brought up in court. I may sound wrong for my opinion, but to many accidents, some accidents some are not. I would not risk my child's safety. Hope I was not to harsh...

Mary Louise - posted on 10/31/2011

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No!! Do not let him have her. His roommates scare me . Was your daughter left with them? Let the court know why you do not want him to have access to her. Arrange supervised visits. Wish you the best and let us know what happens.

Nicole - posted on 10/31/2011

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Is there a way of having someone from social services to visit his home unannounced to determine if this is a safe environment for your daughter to be? You have to do everything you can to keep that little girl safe. If you are having doubts, there is definitely something wrong... especially with those diaper rashes.

Becci - posted on 10/31/2011

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I can understand totally that you are concerned but no mother has the right to deny her child their father,if he's a complete waste of space then obvioustly things need to be resolved in a controlled environment here in the uk we use contact centres where fathers can be monitored/supervised so it gives you peace of mind that the child is not neglected and being well looked after etc you must remember that it takes two to make a baby and your daughter may grow up to hate you if you deny her,access to her father hey be happy he wants to know there are so many out there that don't!try not to listen to rumours after all they are just that I wish you well really I can see it from both sides I'm sure you can resolve this maturely and in time both enjoy your daughter good luck x

Tammy - posted on 10/31/2011

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I believe if you are getting any kind of child support from him, it may be impossible to keep him from her entirely. Of course, you can always try to report him for child neglect...if he truly is neglecting her as you say he seems to be. Good luck!

Evi - posted on 10/31/2011

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I agree with Deborah Warren I would also take pictures (if posible) of her dad's place and if you can afford it get a PI to follow your ex to make sure that what you have been hearing about him is true.

[deleted account]

I agree about getting a court order in your favor. I would also document EVERYTHING!!!! And I mean in detail! That way you have names, dates, detail of what went over. All her health isues, ie the diaper rash and the severity of it. Is she clean when she comes home? Does she become ill? Document every phone call, anything you do between you and her father, family, things friends have shared (could be considered heresay, but you never know). And require drug testing, limits to his & roommates alcohol consumption when she's in his custody, and have supervised visitations only! Make it clear he is not living alone and you have no idea what the other men in her presence while she is in his custody are like or how they behave in front of her, or with her! You don't know who is coming and going in his home, who might be around her. You don't know who he may be leaving her with if he goes out! As some one who was abused as a child, you should take this very seriously. Get as much control in your favor as possible. She is a baby or too young to let you know herself. It is your sole responsibility in protecting her. Don't depend on others. Regardless how they may pressure you. She's Yours! Best wishes and great success in having this issue resolved!

Ann - posted on 10/31/2011

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my self i would take him to court for him to see your daugther have him go to aaa an do suprize urin test an supper vise his vistit there are to many men out there that just want to show off there kids it seams like he is not ressable of taking care of her good luck

Amanda - posted on 10/31/2011

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Is it possible that the grandmother wants to see her more than he does? Is she good with your daughter? If the answer is yes, then why not just allow your daughter at the grandma's house on occasion? If the answer is no, then by all means DOCUMENT everything to bring with you to court. Good luck.

Heidi - posted on 10/31/2011

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Is he on the Birth Cert? If not he has no legal rights. I support the lady who suggested Supervised visits only. She is your daughter and its your right to be responsible for her welfare. Go with your gut, if your not happy your daughter will pick up on it and she will become unhappy. Have you been to CAB? If not go. xxx

Sherry - posted on 10/31/2011

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I totally understand where u coming from, I dont think is wrong what u doing, u r just trying to makd sure that she is in a clean place. If he is not responsible enough to take care her while he has her, it is better for him not to see her for a while or until u guys go to courg

Alice - posted on 10/31/2011

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Your daughter is very young to be left in his dad's care, at this stage it shld be the mother who should be taking care of the baby, coz it seems that they just want to enjoy the baby but they really don't know the correct way and proper hygiene of baby care.

Susan - posted on 10/30/2011

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you are her mother first and foremost if he wants to see his child he will comply with your rules and perhaps reconsider the sleeping over thing. until she is old enough to tell you whats going on. let him pick her up in the morning and drop her in the afternoon. your word rules and thats the bottom line.

Rhonda - posted on 10/30/2011

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Make sure u take her to the doctor for the diaper rash. It may be just a rash due to not changing her diaper enough, but it could be something else too. Like allergic to the soap they use, or something. U need to document how often she gets the rash and why she gets the rash. I haven't read other post but you won't be able to keep her from him unless u get proof of what you have said. Like pics of the unsanitary house. Proof that he isn't spending time with her. Proof that she is left with other people/that are not reliable. As long as she is not abused or neglected while he goes to the bar the courts won't be able to do anything. So u would have to prove that she isn't properly cared for while he is off doing whatever he does. My email is kitrulz71@yahoo.com my name is Rhonda. I have some experience in this area. My Xhusband sexually abused my daughter and I took him to court. He didn't go to jail,but he gave up his parental rights to stay out of jail. Email me if u have any questions.

Bea - posted on 10/30/2011

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If it were me I would be in an attorney's office first thing in the morning and get this started. I wouldn't even stay alone or where he could find me until I had a court order. Until you have that court ordered she is up for grabs. He can take her and hide out with her till you go to court. Every State's laws are different and you can never tell what a judge or jury might do. DOCUMENT EVERY SINGLE INCIDENT!

Bea - posted on 10/30/2011

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The child belongs to both of you. He can take her anytime he wants and there probably isn't much you can do to stop him unless you get a court order. You need to see an attorney right away and get temporary managing custody till you go to court and I would ask that he not see her until you go to court. You need to be documenting every single incident for your attorney. I also might suggest when she comes home with that kind of rash go to your dr and make sure it is documented by him. I would also ask for child support during the time period before you go to court for custody.

Jennifer - posted on 10/30/2011

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If there is no court order in place, you are NOT breaking the law by not allowing your child's father to see your child. The parent who the child lives with holds all rights until the court deems otherwise.

Shari - posted on 10/30/2011

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You have every right to be worried!!!!! I think that you are right to keep her from him until the court orders it. Then they will hopefully watch it a little closer as well. You may even request supervised visits for a while. Good luck!!

Mary Louise - posted on 10/30/2011

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Do not let him have her. I am parinoid about his roommates doing something to her. If he take you to court have supervised visits only. You have to protect her.
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Megan - posted on 10/30/2011

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I totally understand your frustration and concern. I have heard that unless there is custody arrangements which have been agreed upon legally that either parents can really do anything about one parent having the child and not letting the other parent see the child. For example if you had her and made the responsible decision that she shouldnt be going with her father over nights until he proves he can make better decisions then there would be nothing he could do about it, even if he tried calling the cops or something because there is no legal custody arrangements. On the other hand, and the worst part of it all it works vise versa, if he had her on one of his weekends and decided he was keeping her, there would be nothing that could be done. I am in what sounds like a very similiar situation, recently split (8 months ago) from my daughter's dad, relationship of 10 yrs, common law, together home owners, debt and so on......and we do not have any legal custody arrangements either. We have spokem about time shared with our daughter and have been doing that. My worry is that because even as time passes he isnt getting any better with the way he extremly disrespects me. No matter what it is about I am basically at times threatend, whether he means it our not, they are stong words, called terrible ignorant names, and I have tried everything in me at this point to get along as seperated parents for our daughter, he doesnt flintch what so ever. I usually agree with decisions and work with him just to avoid any more harassment and conflict as much as possible. With his job and living arrangements at his parents, I felt comfortable that he would have her every other weekend, and once to twice a week, even alternating one day one week and two days the following week. That was not good for him and to avoid conflict as I cannot handle much more, and to make it easier for our daughter as so much, so fast has changed in her life I agreed with him to allow him every other weekend and two days a week. At his residence there is smoking in the home, which I do not agree with at all, alot of anger within family members.....also with his alternating shifts, when it came time he was working afternoons, his mother would either pick her up from myself or daycare depending on the day on her way home from work around 5pm and would be watched by her all evening and night until bed and wouldnt see her father until the morning. He would have her till the early afternoon and the samething any days of his, his mother would have her all night. I let it go on for abit but had enough there is no need for our daughter to be there at his home overnights during the week if he is one afternoons, so she now is dropped off by myself with him in the morning and picked up in the early afternoon. If there is any issues with ill babysitter or any conflict that occurs I am the person dealing with it, which is fine but more reason that her main residence should be with me. Not to mention when she is sick and very moody or not sleeping well, I will gets texts with him complaining, he can not handle those situations like a mother can. I am the one who takes care of everything and also the person who basically buys all of her clothes, shoes, meds, anything, which is also fine but I get no appreciation what so ever. Sorry to keep writing, but sadly I have so much more to the story...but any advice or even conversation would be great. I dont ask for any child support, the only thing I ask of him is to pay half the daycare, half of our home insurance for our house, and half of the difference between what our renters rent doesnt cover for the morgage, and it is a hassel every time pay day comes rolling around, I dred it because I know I will be called down to the ground with insults and threats. He also wouldnt sign to sell our home so I was pretty much forced to have to rent out our home. And to top it off he isnt keeping his end of his responsibilies with renting the house and I am the one stuck with the duties of being a landlord. He lies about his bills that he pays, to get out of paying our line of credit we share together which is so past due, the car he drives is leased and in both of our names, he also has been late on payments and I end up getting letters from the leasing compant wanting the money.....ect, I was trying to get at that he is now insisting that I should be giving him half of my baby bonus. I am at the end of my rope, I want nothing more than to do this civil and work together as parents for the health and growth of our child but I do not think anything will change. He is now missing some of his aranged days with her, but always makes it try and sound okay for him. He has a new girlfriend which is over all the time and to top it off when he does have her on his nights alot of the time I notice or have heard that he is out partying while she is sleeping and left with his mother. Anything you can talk about any advice?? And sorry about blabbing but is always nice to be able to vent. All i want is a positive atmosphere, and happiness for our precious little girl. She is my life and as all mothers know we would do anything for our children, we no longer come first.

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