can it work if your husband cheated on u and had another child as a result

Claire - posted on 07/21/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )




i have been married to my husband for 13 years when i was pregnant with our second child he cheated and a child came from this one night stand... now the kids mother after getting a divorce from her husband wants my husband to be a father to this child after no contact for 4 years.
At first he was fine with not knowing if he was the father of the child and i forgave him and we went on with our life but now that he found out that he is the farther he told me he would pay for support and have nothing to do with the child
Then two weeks ago he said he wanted to do the "right thing" and be a part of the kids life... i told him i didnt want any part of the child and i didnt want our kids to know that they have a step sister.
So my question is can it work if he leaves with the child every other weekend? or when the time comes and our children know about this step sister if i leave and he spends "daddy time" with the kids


Louise - posted on 07/22/2012




I know this is hard on you as the child is a constant reminder of his affair but you have to get past this. This child did not ask to be born. Your children have a right to know about their half sister. If you want your marriage to last then you are going to have to compromise your situation a little here. Your husband is trapped in the middle of trying to do the right thing and not to upset his wife. You are going to have to swallow your pride here and take this child under your wing for family life to carry on as normal. Do you really want your husband to disapper every other weekend with this child and your children miss out? No this is not going to work because your children will wonder where dad is and you will spend the entire weekend thinking what is he up to and he will resent you from seperataing him from the family to spend time with his daughter. If you want your marriage to work then work as a unit and treat this innocent child as one of your own. Let her join the family unit and then you can meet the future head on as man and wife and extended family.

It is not going to be easy but if you work at it it will be the key to a long and happy marriage.

Sarah - posted on 07/22/2012




I understand that knowing the child may be a reminder to you of his infidelity, but if you've "forgiven" him and moved on, then it shouldn't be an issue. I suspect the reason why this upsets you so much is because you still harbour resentment about the affair. I would suggest counseling to help you move past your resentment instead. I don't know if you're aware you're placing your resentment onto this child (who, BTW is innocent) instead of on the person responsible for the affair (your husband). I do think it is possible to move on, but not with displaced resentment. You need to truly forgive and let go. I think it's a huge disservice to both your husband and your children to deny this child a relationship with them. You're not punishing your husband with that decision, but that child and your kids. How will they feel 30-40 years from now when your husband passes away and lo and behold a sister shows up? That is something that will effect YOUR relationship with your children because they will feel lied to. OR here's a another situation: You get counseling and learn to forgive your husband's past indiscretions. You invite this child into your family and love her. You teach your children about forgiveness and love. You teach them that families come in all different shapes and compositions. You show them resiliency and the strength of family. It is your decision whatever route you decide to go, but whether there's a child or not, you'll never move on without forgiveness.

Firebird - posted on 07/21/2012




First off, this is their half sister, not their step sister, and the kids do have a right to know her. She is their blood. Second... you took him back after he cheated, you got through it when you found out he fathered a child with another woman, so you can make this work as well. Third.... I understand your bitterness, but this is not the child's fault and there is no good reason to take it out on her.

Maybe some counseling can help you deal with all of this, it must be very overwhelming. I know I hate feeling like I have no control over an important situation. If you can't deal with it, then I see no harm in you doing your own thing every other weekend and leaving your husband to look after all the kids. It really isn't fair to any of the kids involved though, if he just goes off with his "other daughter" and leaves his remaining kids behind for the weekend.

I hope you and your husband can find a reasonable compromise to this unfortunate circumstance, and since you've already come through so much with him, I'm sure that, together, you'll find a way to make through this ordeal as well. Good luck.

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Faye - posted on 07/23/2012




Insist on a paternity test! Then you will know for sure. It is not the child's fault.

My ex has a child who is 13 months older than our oldest. He had a one night stand (during a rocky time for us) and she was the result. While I have never met her (they did not meet until after we separated in late 2004), it is not her fault that her parents were not responsible enough to prevent her from happening. The state took him to court for child support in 2001 and she was 12 before a DNA test was ordered by the court better than a year later. After we learned for certain that she was his, (he doubted the mother's word, he thought mom was just trying to get money no matter the father), there were months upon months that the child support was paid BEFORE our rent check was handed to the landlord.

Carmen - posted on 07/23/2012




It's not the child's fault and not to be mean but what real woman would want a man that would dis own his on child? And what kind of woman are you to suggest that he has nothing to do with the child and keep the child's siblings from each other. That is so wrong, I think you may just be upset because the way the child came about, but know that the child is here he does have a responsibility as the dad. And if he wants to be a dad to his child you or know other woman can stop him. Not trying to be mean but you are being very uncompromising about this!

Dove - posted on 07/22/2012




Probably not. What happened sucked, but his daughter is a 100% innocent party in this. If you aren't willing to accept this child and have her involved in your lives.... If your husband is a decent man, things won't last like this.

I suggest family counseling to try and figure out how to make this situation work for everyone involved. Your husband was 100% wrong to cheat on you, but if you are to accept that and move past it... you also have to accept that a completely innocent child came from that mess and it's not HER fault who her parents are.... She shouldn't have to pay for that mess anymore than she probably already is paying for it.

Good luck!

Tina - posted on 07/21/2012




I think the question is can your marriage take it. Seek Counselling do what you can to help your marriage. As far as the child goes. No matter how the child was brought into the world it has the right to know who it's father is. I know this will be hard on you. Just remember no matter what happens it's not the child's fault if you do happen to come in contact. It will be just as hard on the child learning who dad is. Possibly learning about other siblings and feeling like an outsider would be a lot for a child. I was the product of a previous relationship with a step dad that always treated like crap. One minute I was to call him dad, Then not and so on. It was an emotional roller coaster. Just remember this will be as hard for this child as it is for you. Then you have to find a way to explain to your own kids that this is a sister and if you don't want them to have contact you have to explain where daddy is going and then possibly make quality time with your own kids so they don't feel left out when daddy goes out without them every other week end.

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