Can't seem to get over my in-laws, What to do?

Andrea - posted on 08/17/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )

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I have been married 4 yrs now. I am originally from South America, long story short, met husband while visiting the USA, never wanted to stay, never planned to. Now we have 2 children, a 2 yr old and a 4 mos old. ILs thought at first I married hubby because of papers, never even crossed my mind. I was also told by FIL that he really liked the ex girlfriend and he would've preferred to have her as DIL, but oh well (his own words) BTW, the entire fam including aunts, uncles and cousins keep in touch with the ex. I never had a good relationship with any of FIL's extended family. At first I was able to cope with the in-laws a lot better, but as soon as we had our first son things completely changed for me. Needless to say that we have a lot of cultural differences, not only with the in-laws but with my husband too. So I thought it was just that and not a big deal. I come from a very devoted catholic family and this is very important for me as it is for my husband. We want to raise our children in the faith. In-laws are "cafeteria Catholics", they pick and choose what they like and are not really good role models for our children. MIL is ok, she is Barney nice, just laughs at everything. smiles and hardly ever takes things personal, she is also very attentive to me and the kids, but the real problem for me is FIL. He has a long history of drug abuse, he is really nasty,treats my MIL like crap, smokes like a chimney, swears and behaves like a pig around women, makes dirty jokes and constantly wants all the attention for himself. I hate going out to dinner with him because he always says something stupid out loud thinking that is funny. I feel very uncomfortable around him, to the point that I told hubby that I don't want him to come over when he is not around. When my son was born I had PPD and didn't want anyone around specially FIL.Things got ugly when I told them we will not be bringing the baby in their house because he smokes and it is not good for the child. So our "meet up spot" was hubby's grandparents home. On NY eve, at great-grandpa's house, FIL goes on a rant and starts screaming at hubby and me, saying nasty things about how dare we prevent him from seeing the baby, we should be ashamed of ourselves, swearing and getting very violent. MIL just watched without saying a word, no one stopped him, and we just had to leave. He then apologized as he always does, but he continue his stupid behavior. It took a good 6 mos for me to get over it and we even went through counseling with hubby because it became a huge deal between us. Things got a little better but FIL still acts annoying and I refuse to go to fam reunions of his side, I do attend my MIL fam reunions. I mentioned I am catholic, and believe me I pray over this all the time, I read the bible about forgiveness and try to look over it. But every time I'm around the man, I can't help it but to feel so uncomfortable, I can't even look him in the eye. I don't want him around me nor my kids. Husband is not with me nor against me on the issue. I just never felt like were family, but don't have any other choice of extended fam for my children since I am alone here, no family from my side, they are all back home. MIL constantly asks if they can come over, but I always make excuses up because it takes me a good week to prepare mentaly and emotionally to meet up with them. Like I said MIL I'm ok with, but FIL is so manipulative to her that it is hard to have a relationship with her without him being involved. I don't know what else to do, I try, I try to get over it, but can't seem to be at peace. Husband doesn't like the fact that his fam lives in the same town as us and doesn't see the kids much, but like I said it is really not a good environment for the kids. The extended family is very toxic as well. A lot of swearing, trash talk, violent behavior and even drug dealing. Please tell me I am not being selfish, I really don't want to act selfishly, or if I am how to work on it, how to be loving but at the same time protect my kids. Help! :/

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