Heather - posted on 08/13/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )
My daughter is now almost 7 months old and since day one she has been the most challenging baby I have ever seen(this is saying something since I have MANY little cousins and nieces and nephews). She was only breastfed for one month due to latching and supply problems. She was extremely colicky, and had such horrible eating problems, but was a great sleeper once she was asleep, though it was hell to get her to sleep. Now we have solved her eating problems and she eats like a champ and mostly falls asleep fairly easily if she is rocked and sang to. The problem is that she doesn't stay asleep very well and I have to hold her for over an hour each night before I can put her down. Sometimes she sleeps through the night from 8ish p.m. to about 7-9 am, only waking once for a bottle at about 2-3am. But other times she is awake til 10 or later and wakes up all night long. I should expound on the fact that I am still in a relationship with her father, but I basically am a single parent. I am a SAHM and BF works 10hr days and will be starting school in a couple weeks. He does help me a little with her but I do 99% of the feeding, 90% of the diaper changes, and 100% of the nap/bedtime. He went back to work immediately after she came home from the hospital so from day one I've been doing it practically alone. I get so frustrated with never getting sleep because he never gets up with her in the middle of the night. He thinks that because he works he should get to sleep all night because I "get to lay on the couch all day". Well thats what he thinks, I don't tho. My daughter is such a difficult baby to deal with though and she screams non stop all day long every single day. When he gets home he yells at her for bothering him and screaming at him, but when I say something his only response is "You yell at her too." Yes, I do. But I regret it, I apologize profusely and love on her to show how sorry I am. But it keeps happening because I am exhausted because I get no help. Then he gets mad and yells at me for yelling. It's become a nightly occurrence and BF and I fight constantly. From the beginning I have had a hard time dealing with motherhood but around the 4 or 5 month mark is when I reached my limit and the yelling started. I feel so bad for it, I feel like a horrible mother, like I don't deserve my daughter. But the thing is, I never wanted kids. I was not supposed to be able to get pregnant because of medical issues with my reproductive organs. But I tried anyway, for him, because I was so sure it couldn't happen. But it only took 5 months of trying b4 I was pregnant. Let me point out that I have dealt with multiple severe mental disorders my whole life. So the PPD was really bad and still is. I can't help how upset i get, to the point that I feel suicidal. I feel like my baby girl would be better off without me but the only reason I haven't done it is because I feel like I can't even leave her alone with her dad for 10 minutes let alone forever. He gets so mad at her so quickly, like after a minute or two of her crying he starts yelling. My screaming only happens after I have spent the whole day dealing with her screaming at me. That doesn't excuse it but I can't help it. I want to stop. I want to change. I don't want my baby girl to hate me. I love her more than life itself. But I can't really take psychiatric medicine since my body doesn't react well to chemical substances. Please help me. Help me stop yelling at my baby girl. I can't get any more help from my bf than I get now so that's not an option, but i just need something. Some way to help her sleep better during the day, something to help her learn to go to sleep on her own that doesn't involve leaving her to cry(as I don't believe in that and there is scientific evidence to support the fact that it causes emotional damage). I'm so sick of rocking her for hours every day. I'm in so much pain, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm tired of fighting with my bf about the yelling and I'm tired of feeling like a bad mom. Most of all I'm just tired.