Can't stop yelling at my baby. NEED HELP!

Heather - posted on 08/13/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My daughter is now almost 7 months old and since day one she has been the most challenging baby I have ever seen(this is saying something since I have MANY little cousins and nieces and nephews). She was only breastfed for one month due to latching and supply problems. She was extremely colicky, and had such horrible eating problems, but was a great sleeper once she was asleep, though it was hell to get her to sleep. Now we have solved her eating problems and she eats like a champ and mostly falls asleep fairly easily if she is rocked and sang to. The problem is that she doesn't stay asleep very well and I have to hold her for over an hour each night before I can put her down. Sometimes she sleeps through the night from 8ish p.m. to about 7-9 am, only waking once for a bottle at about 2-3am. But other times she is awake til 10 or later and wakes up all night long. I should expound on the fact that I am still in a relationship with her father, but I basically am a single parent. I am a SAHM and BF works 10hr days and will be starting school in a couple weeks. He does help me a little with her but I do 99% of the feeding, 90% of the diaper changes, and 100% of the nap/bedtime. He went back to work immediately after she came home from the hospital so from day one I've been doing it practically alone. I get so frustrated with never getting sleep because he never gets up with her in the middle of the night. He thinks that because he works he should get to sleep all night because I "get to lay on the couch all day". Well thats what he thinks, I don't tho. My daughter is such a difficult baby to deal with though and she screams non stop all day long every single day. When he gets home he yells at her for bothering him and screaming at him, but when I say something his only response is "You yell at her too." Yes, I do. But I regret it, I apologize profusely and love on her to show how sorry I am. But it keeps happening because I am exhausted because I get no help. Then he gets mad and yells at me for yelling. It's become a nightly occurrence and BF and I fight constantly. From the beginning I have had a hard time dealing with motherhood but around the 4 or 5 month mark is when I reached my limit and the yelling started. I feel so bad for it, I feel like a horrible mother, like I don't deserve my daughter. But the thing is, I never wanted kids. I was not supposed to be able to get pregnant because of medical issues with my reproductive organs. But I tried anyway, for him, because I was so sure it couldn't happen. But it only took 5 months of trying b4 I was pregnant. Let me point out that I have dealt with multiple severe mental disorders my whole life. So the PPD was really bad and still is. I can't help how upset i get, to the point that I feel suicidal. I feel like my baby girl would be better off without me but the only reason I haven't done it is because I feel like I can't even leave her alone with her dad for 10 minutes let alone forever. He gets so mad at her so quickly, like after a minute or two of her crying he starts yelling. My screaming only happens after I have spent the whole day dealing with her screaming at me. That doesn't excuse it but I can't help it. I want to stop. I want to change. I don't want my baby girl to hate me. I love her more than life itself. But I can't really take psychiatric medicine since my body doesn't react well to chemical substances. Please help me. Help me stop yelling at my baby girl. I can't get any more help from my bf than I get now so that's not an option, but i just need something. Some way to help her sleep better during the day, something to help her learn to go to sleep on her own that doesn't involve leaving her to cry(as I don't believe in that and there is scientific evidence to support the fact that it causes emotional damage). I'm so sick of rocking her for hours every day. I'm in so much pain, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm tired of fighting with my bf about the yelling and I'm tired of feeling like a bad mom. Most of all I'm just tired.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/13/2014

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Get some counseling immediately. Evaluate whether or not you will be able to be a good parent for this child.

Your child isn't even one year old yet, has NO other form of communication EXCEPT fussing or crying, and you and your partner are yelling at her? Both of you need parenting classes, to start. You need to get your mental health in line as well. If you suffer from conditions that require medication, but you are not taking medication because you're afraid of the reactions, you're not helping yourself at all. In order for medication to help, it must be ingested. If you are afraid of reactions (its a good idea to monitor that), you need to monitor yourself and log your reactions to different meds, so that your physicians can make appropriate changes to regulate them.

I also recommend couples counseling. You gave in to a demand that you weren't comfortable with to start, which is what got you here. You need to learn how to be honest and up front ahead of time, and how to work through conflicts without making a compromise that you really didn't ever want in the first place.

I wish you the best. Please seek medical attention and counseling in order to help you be the mom that you want to be now ;-)

Shantai - posted on 08/14/2014

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You are NOT a bad mom . I think we all get that feeling at one point or another . You recognize that it isnt healthy and you feel bad and admitting is always the first step . I have my 8 month old son almost 9 months and he is a HANDFUL ! He doesnt listen and I get that hes still at that age when he doesnt really understand but he knows his name and he looks at you when hes doing something wrong , so I started giving him taps on the butt and on his hand and saying stop , but the babies feed off our emotions . Believe it or not alot of resources also tell you to lay you baby down when your frustrated and take time by yourself . The screaming will still bother you , but kinda zone it out when your on your little frustration break . I had to do that ALOT ! Its hard because I have him , and my fiances daughter which is almost 4 , and im pregnant now . So I understand completely .

Heather - posted on 08/14/2014

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First of all there is nothing to be ashamed of. I know it can be overwhelming. I am a SAHM as well and my little one is 3 months. When my little one starts to drive me crazy I put her in her crib and walk away. I take a deep breath and then go back and get her. It's always a good idea to walk away when you are frustrated to calm down. Babies are hypersensitive to emotion so when they are crying and you get frustrated and yell they feed off of it and the situation escalates. Another way to cope is to mentally remind yourself that you baby lacks the words to communicate and imagine how frustrating it is for them. I hope this helps. I also look at pictures of the day my baby was born to rekindle things.

Amanda-Beth - posted on 08/14/2014

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I know this is hard as spent 7 montjs devoted to her.hire a baby sitter for a couole hrs for one day of the week it will help your sainty even if all you do those 2 hrs is sleep.

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Gena - posted on 08/17/2014

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I would just like to add that besides getting profesional help, maybe you and your boyfriend could also go to counseling. You are a good mother,because you have realized thats you are not feeling well and that the yelling isnt a good thing! And pls dont be ashamed to get help. You said you cant take psychatric medicine. There are tabletts that are natural and can help. Maybe you could also get your bf to help more,or get a family member or friend to look after your baby for an hour or two so that you get some time to relax. Good luck,and i hope you feel better soon!

Josie - posted on 08/16/2014

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from a kids perspective:

I can see where your coming from, just imagining the whole situation, and as these other ladies have said i agree that you are NOT a bad mom!!! you just need to take a step back, relax, and breathe, because you know in you heart that it will be okay! i would suggest that mayybe you get her into a good habit for sleeping like a sound sleeper (whatever they're called) the waves crashing,cricket chirping, or whatever it has could help,or i always loved a little fan above my head because of the noise, and because it can help cool you down, or anything that comes to mind. And with the whole "husband not helping much" problem, well maybe when he gets a holiday off work you can make plans to go to the spa or do anything relaxing and ask him to take care of her for the day and if doesn't want to ( this is just a stupid idea from a kid but...) make it into a challenge saying he probably couldn't even make it a few hours with out having any trouble. this way you get a break from your hard day, and he can have a day in your shoes!!!
-from a kids perspective-
p.s. please just give me a chance on this, i know im just a kid, but that might just be the reason that you or anyone else SHOULD give me a chance, please.

Heather - posted on 08/16/2014

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Ahndrea I'd have to disagree with you abou the colic. Babies don't typically suffer from colic at that age. Colic usually lasts from 2 weeks old to 4 months old. Or she's screaming after eating or laying down and wants to be held it could be acid reflux or pyloricstinosis. If she just screams every time you put her down or walk away she could have attachment issues or separation anxiety.

Ahndrea - posted on 08/15/2014

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Honestly it sounds like your little one has colic.i understand how frustrating it is to feel like no one is there to help but just take into consideration your baby girl can't tell you what's wrong and when your upset your little one can sense it. I would def. get seek professional help.

Dove - posted on 08/13/2014

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As these two ladies have already mentioned... please seek professional help immediately. There IS help out there for you. Knowing and admitting that you have a problem is the first step to finding a solution. You can do this! For yourself and for your child. ♥

Jackie - posted on 08/13/2014

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Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Jackie - posted on 08/13/2014

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I agree with Shawn, parenting classes are definitely a good place to start.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/13/2014

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And, Heather...I need to add this:

You've recognized that your behaviour needs help, which is the HARDEST step to take. I'm proud of you, and I hope that with this admission, you can start to move forward with the steps you need to take now.

YOU AREN'T A BAD MOM. You just need some mechanisms to help being a mom a little less stressful.

Jackie - posted on 08/13/2014

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First of all Heather let me say, (except for the diagnosed medical/physciatric condition and not wanting kids) I can relate to your story. I have four children. The youngest are boys 2 and 4. I still nurse my 2 year old and he still doesn't sleep well and very rarely through the night. I have found myself feeling sometimes over the years just exhausted. My husband works 10 hour shifts also, getting up at 4am for work, so I have never really expected him to get up with them, I worked off and on during the last 4 years sometimes part time, sometimes full time, unemployed for a short time as well. But there were times I felt like i wished he would, but like you, I did 100% almost of everything. He does tho give me breaks on the weekends like letting me sleep in. Both of my boys were fussy too, almost colicky. Now my older 2 kids are girls 13, and my 19 yr old lives on her own now. But I look at things like this, this is only temporary, they don't stay little for long, so I hold them and rock them and cuddle them as much as I can, because the day will before you know it, they will want nothing to do with it :) I would suggest to you, asking for help. Do you have any family that can watch your daughter so you can just get some down time aka mommy time in? Since I am assuming daddy wont watch her. Do you have the resources to go join a y or a fitness class or anything? Anything to get you out of the house? At my YMCA they have childcare where they watch your kids for you while you do whatever. We also have a hotline you can call, called first call for help. If you are not willing to go to your doctor and tell them whats going on, which i strongly encourage you to do. You need help its ok to ask for it. You love your daughter that much is clear to me so i don't think you want to give her up do you? Maybe just take her for a walk does she like those? People may think I am crazy, because I have told a lot of mommies this, but I don't know a single kid who doesn't like to be outside! Question at her doc appointments do you bring these things up, do you think something could be wrong with her, that causes her to upset all the time? Sending hugs to you and your baby girl!

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