Cant afford to stay home, but cant afford daycare

Tonya - posted on 06/07/2016 ( 25 moms have responded )

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I've been a stay at home mom for a year now and it is quite challenging. Times are getting hard and my husband doesn't want me to work because he pays child support for his other kids and can't afford daycare. At the same time I really can't afford to stay home because he is barely making enough to support us. He gives me money every other month, but I still buy everything for our child with my weekend job except diapers. He thinks he does everything just because he pays all the bills, which sometimes aren't even paid on time. He is in debt because he cant afford the bills and kids. I am also in debt because of medical bills, and having to put some things on credit to provide for our child. I have put my entire life on hold for a few years and sacrificed everything to please him. I don't think its fair that I only work 1 sometimes 2 days a week, take care of our child physically and financially, and also buy all of the household necessities. To top it off we have another baby on the way because he wanted more children. I really don't know what to do. Our baby is due in 3 months and we haven't bought anything because he can't afford it. This is making me depressed and I am starting to resent him. I have said that we should get a divorce but he doesn't want too and said he won't sign the papers. In his mind we are a perfect family. I dont know what to do, and I need some advice.

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Heather - posted on 06/10/2016

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No one will be able to give you advice that you'll happy with because you have already given up. You don't want to try and you're making more excuses on why NOT to. Either stay and actually work on your marriage or not.

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Sarah - posted on 06/13/2016

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Working nights is not a solution to no child care and you need to sleep while the kids are up and about.
I am not sure why you posted, you have your mind made up to leave. If you won't consider any of the advice and you dismiss the suggestions for how to improve your situation and justify every concern about the challenges of leaving your spouse, then why even ask?

Ev - posted on 06/13/2016

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{{ I lived on my own before I met my husband and finances weren't an issue.}}
---I find it hard to understand that you were financially secure before you met your husband as you would have been under 18 and not legally an adult as yet...so when did you actually meet him? How old?


{ I took a loss by helping him financially in the beginning and just ended up putting myself in a bad situation that could've been avoided. He wanted me to be stay at home mom to save him money, which was fine until his child support went up. If I have to leave him so my children will no longer get the short end of the stick, so be it. I don't expect marriage to be easy but I refuse to deal with unnecessary problems.}
-----I quoted this because this is concerning. You took a loss to help him out financially with what? Was that before marriage or after that? If before, you made the choice to do that and you did not say he asked for it. I can understand his traditional views on a family but those have flown out the window over 20 years ago or more. He is gonna have to learn to get with the times. As for the child support going up, that is part of the whole thing. As he makes more money, he will have to pay out more to his kids. You knew this going into the relationship/marriage. YOU also had a choice not to marry him and have kids too. Leaving him so his kids won't get the short end of the stick is a total lie--you leaving will give those kids the short end of the stick because they may not get as much in support from dad since he already is supporting others from a previous relationship. Also they are going to have to share time with dad with the other kids at visitation. You will be a single mom too and do not think that just because you have a job that pays well will mean you will be okay. You can not count on that job to always be there. What happens if you loose your job or the company folds? How do you support them then? And what of daycare costs? What of other costs of raising kids not including food, clothing, utilities, rent or house payment, transportation, doctor visits, school etc? Are you prepared for that too? And none of the things you talk about are " unnecessary problems."

Sarah - posted on 06/13/2016

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I have been married for 23 years and we have had rough patches, really rough. I had four kids in 7 years, and I know what it is like to feel swallowed by your family. Like I said, happiness is a choice. My marriage is not perfect and I am not perfect and while there were times that were not fun, I chose to stay and to be content. It was a deliberate choice on my part, to stay married. My husband as well, could have left at times, but he chose to stick it out. To see us thru good and bad.

Tonya - posted on 06/13/2016

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Okay, to make my situation more understandable.....I stay at home with my son all day so he doesn't have to go to daycare, and i take night classes and online classes full time. My husband takes care of him while i am at school. I work on Saturdays and Sundays part time. I can switch my position to full time at my job now, I would just have to change locations in the same city I already live in. If I worked full time nights then I wouldn't have to worry about daycare my husband can watch the kids. I would only be able to go to school part time, and still could support my children which is my main concern right now. I lived on my own before I met my husband and finances weren't an issue. I took a loss by helping him financially in the beginning and just ended up putting myself in a bad situation that could've been avoided. He wanted me to be stay at home mom to save him money, which was fine until his child support went up. If I have to leave him so my children will no longer get the short end of the stick, so be it. Besides he always thinks I am cheating with one of my best friends who is a guy because he buys our son things sometimes which i don't see a problem with since my husband isn't always able too. I don't expect marriage to be easy but I refuse to deal with unnecessary problems.

Ev - posted on 06/13/2016

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I was married before 14 years ago. I do not know why my husband did not want to leave because he never would tell me. I DECIDED not to get married again because of MY KIDS. Their dad married 2x after me and that did not go over well for my kids...not going into the details. I grew up learning that when you married it was the vows and oaths you made at the wedding that made the marriage, that marriage was work, that you had to communicate with your spouse to make it work, and you had to take the children into consideration as well. Now, I am not perfect but I knew why i got married to start with. My ex was even raised the same way about marriage. I do not know what happened to him. But I decided not to marry again also because I was not ready to do so. AM I now? I do not know. I have some issues where men are concerned as it is...I am not sure I would want to have a second marriage to have it fail too for whatever reasons. Marriage is not a thing to play with. That is why we can give advice...some have been there and done that already.

Michelle - posted on 06/11/2016

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Yes, I'm married.
I did divorce my first husband because he cheated on me and was an alcoholic. My husband is the most amazing man I have ever met.
So yes, I have been married and divorced (with 2 children) and it was really hard being a single Mum. You think you want to be selfish now, you won't have a chance at all if you are on your own. You won't have any time to yourself!!!!!!
How are you going to juggle everything you do now all on your own? Who is going to look after the children while you are at school or work?
We are saying the it's probably not the best choice to get a divorce. You should get some counselling first as you owe it to your children to do everything you can to make the marriage work.

Jodi - posted on 06/11/2016

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"Okay, obviously some y'all are misunderstanding what I have said, or you may have problems with comprehension."

No, I'm sure noone is misunderstanding you. It's really just that you don't like the responses you are getting.

"I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE MY CHILDREN UP, the ONLY thing I don't want is to be married."

Yeah, but that's still you not thinking of the needs of the children and not considering the impact your selfish desire will have on them.

" I am not selfish at all when it comes to my children's needs but am I selfish in general, absolutely"

Well, yes, you are actually selfish when it comes to the needs of the children because you really haven't considered them in any of this discussion - all you've been worried about is that you simply don't want to be married anymore, no particular reason, you just don't want this marriage thing. What about how that might end up impacting them?

"I do work part time on the weekends and go to school Full time during the week, ALL YEAR."

Interesting. Sarah brings up a good point. Who is looking after the children when you aren't home now? After all, your questions was initially about getting a job because you can't afford daycare because you are a stay at home mother. None of this actually adds up - you aren't a stay at home other, you are a full time student with a weekend job.

"I already stated that my husband and I have talked about counseling. He is very open to attending, we just haven't...."

No, no you didn't already state that. You said "My husband works late so marriage counseling isn't really an option.". If he is open to attending, then why don't you? I'm sorry, but you said some vows when you got married and you now owe your CHILDREN an obligation to at least make every effort you can to make it work. You owe your husband that too, because you made that promise to him. Marriage is not supposed to always be easy. You both have to work at it.

"I am educated and very capable of taking care of my children once I graduate."

Noone suggested you wouldn't be - I just simply asked if you understood how much harder it is being a single parent? You worry about your financial situation now? What do you think that's going to look like after? Believe me, it won't be as easy as you seem to think it will be.

"Are those that are fining advice even married? "

LMAO. You think our responses telling you to work on your marriage are because we aren't married? Actually no, it is BECAUSE we are married, and the vows we made to our husband actually mean something, that we are telling you to take your marriage more seriously.

Is it always unicorns and rainbows? No. But we love and care about each other, love and care about our children, and aren't selfish little teenagers, so we choose to iron out the wrinkles when they pop up.

Sarah - posted on 06/11/2016

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Who has been watching the kids while you are in school all week? You don't seem to get that you still will have kids to care for, and no help. You can't just drop your spouse and poof your free to "get back to my old self that was fun and outgoing." You are still going to be pregnant, you will still already have a child. How will signing a divorce decree change any of that? Happiness is a choice, no one makes you happy or unhappy. You look to the best in your situation and choose to work towards being content. You want to leave your spouse, then leave him. This is not the same as can't afford day care and can't afford to stay home. How will you financial situation even improve after you divorce?

Tonya - posted on 06/11/2016

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Also my husband is very aware of everything that I have said here. I have already addressed how he feels in a post. Are those that are fining advice even married? If not you can't really speak on the situation.

Tonya - posted on 06/11/2016

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Okay, obviously some y'all are misunderstanding what I have said, or you may have problems with comprehension.....I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE MY CHILDREN UP, the ONLY thing I don't want is to be married. I am not selfish at all when it comes to my children's needs but am I selfish in general, absolutely. I already stated that my husband and I have talked about counseling. He is very open to attending, we just haven't....and I do work part time on the weekends and go to school Full time during the week, ALL YEAR. I am a senior and will be graduating with my bachelors in the spring. I already have an internship set up to transfer to my career field with the job that I already have when I graduate. Yes, I am a stay at home mom, BUT I am not lazy and that is not the only thing that I do. I am educated and very capable of taking care of my children once I graduate.

Michelle - posted on 06/11/2016

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Heather hit the nail on the head, you just keep making excuses as to why you can't try any of the advice given. You don't want anyone to help you, you just want to leave your husband and children.
Counselling IS an option, your husband would be able to get time off. You probably haven't even discussed it with him. He isn't a mind reader and probably has no idea that you are on the brink of walking away. He has the right to know that your marriage is so bad.

Jodi - posted on 06/10/2016

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"but it's how I was raised as an only child"

I'll stop you right here - there comes a point in life where you have to stop blaming your parents for the way you were raised and start taking responsibility for your choices as an adult. You are past that point. So this is irrelevant.

"My husband works late so marriage counseling isn't really an option."

That's actually just a cop out. He could make time if he needed to.After all, people get personal leave days. Have you asked him?

" I don't know the whole thing is just tiring so I really don't care to waste my energy anymore."

Here's the thing. You now have a child and another on the way. You don't GET to just cop out. You don't even have a job. Do you even understand how much harder it is being a single parent? Do you realise that your lack of effort or care about your marriage is going to impact on the lives of two children? Stupid question. Of course you don't realise - you are too selfish to care about how any of your actions and decision impact others. Maybe the best thing IS for you to remove yourself from the lives of these children so you don't end up screwing them up.

Tonya - posted on 06/10/2016

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Yes I will admit I'm a selfish person at times, but it's how I was raised as an only child that got everything handed to me and everything done for me. Now I literally do everything except pay the bills. My husband works late so marriage counseling isn't really an option. I have no family where we live so there's no one to watch my toddler. I got married at 18 and didn't want to hurt my husband tell him no when asked, even though I really didn't want to get married after dating for a year. My husband really does try to make things better, even when I tell him I'm not happy and want to leave he says it's just because I want to date other men, which isn't true. We both try to communicate but no one really puts any action behind what we say. Every crucial conversation about the future, finances, etc. just ends up getting nowhere. He really just wants me to stay at home and take care of the kids because he doesn't want them in daycare. I want to work in my career field and don't mind being the bread winner, but he is very traditional when it comes to certain things. when I tell him we can't afford for me to stay home he says he will get a second job, but he doesn't because he already works 12 hours a day. I don't know the whole thing is just tiring so I really don't care to waste my energy anymore.Im pretty much stuck he doesn't believe in divorce at all and thinks we can work it out. I feel bad because he does so much for our family and literally gives his all, but marriage just really isn't for me.

Heather - posted on 06/10/2016

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Ok- so you got married, but you weren't honest about your expectations, limitations, and boundaries. Then you blame him for not knowing what you actually want. He is doing his best, but you agreed to have ANOTHER child by not preventing it or stating your wants. Then. knowing you can't afford more children you complain about not having things for a baby you knew you couldn't afford...and somehow it's all his fault. You are resenting him when this is a COUPLE'S issue- you weren't completely honest and he believed you were on board with everything...no communication at all. Whether you were ready for marriage or not this is a basic relationship skill that you have ignored. Even in dating you need expectations, limitations, and boundaries with a dash of continued communication. Relationships involve work that both of you at times didn't realize was missing. Either fix it by finding someone (family or a friend) who is willing to babysit so you can work and save for a couple of months of daycare payments and just stay ahead. If you don't put in any work to your marriage it will fail. Your husband is probably exhausted and all you have to do is complain about taking care of your family that you HELPED build...that pretty selfish behavior.

Jodi - posted on 06/08/2016

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"no major issues really exist I just wasn't ready to be married."

Actually, that IS a major issue in itself. Get yourselves into marriage counselling.

Sarah - posted on 06/08/2016

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Honestly you sound selfish. In your first post you complain about all the things your husband does wrong. Then in another post you state that he is a great loving, caring guy and that you are just over being married. Sorry but that ship sailed when you had kids. You don't get to make decisions just about you now. It does not matter if you are over being married or not you now have kids and their needs come before your wants. Also how selfish/irresponsible of you to get pregnant when you are over being married. You have no right to mess up your kids' lives. Marriage is commitment. That means you don't just end it because you are over being married. It means you work through it. You get counseling. If you are struggling financially now you are really going to struggle going through a divorce. Get some marriage counseling and financial counseling.

Ev - posted on 06/08/2016

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I think as the others do about relationship/marriage counseling. You both should have sat down long before getting married and worked out what your feelings were on his children, getting married, communication, and having kids with him. It does not sound like this was well thought out. You were 18 years old when you married him? Did he pressure you do do this? You did not have to get married to him as yet. You could have told him you wanted to finish school or other things you wanted to do and get his support on that. It would have been more financially better for the two of you in the long run but what is done is done and it can not be changed. Also you knew of his prior relationship with his having kids and you could have said no to marriage right then. He has to support the kids he had with the ex. And he should be encouraged to spend time with his kids. When does he actually get them as opposed to when he does do see them?

Leslie - posted on 06/08/2016

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You say you weren't ready to be married - why then did you marry? Yes, you are young but you are married now with one child and another on the way - that kind of responsibility is a lot. It sounds like your husband really loves you to want to spend his time with you - you say he doesn't give you any space yet, you are home without him all day - when you say space what do you mean? Going out with girlfriends on your own? If so, plan a girls night out and let him know in advance you're going and he'll have LO to play with and be Dad to for the few hours you're out. You will never be the same person you were 3+ years ago - we all grow up and change as we do - married, with children or not. I would really encourage you again to seek someone out to talk to (I know Focus has helped friends of mine) and work out why you say you are "over this whole marriage thing" I know this sounds like a rough answer but I'd hate to see you do something now that you'll regret for yourself and your 2 children a few years down the road - especially if he is such a great. loving, caring man. Sending some cyber hugs to you too.

Tonya - posted on 06/08/2016

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no major issues really exist I just wasn't ready to be married. I have told him this numerous times, and he says it's just a phase because I'm still young. He is older by 6 years and has lived his life to the fullest and wants me to completely settle down. I'm 22 we've been married 3 years and I just want to get back to my old self that was fun and outgoing. Now i am boring and home all the time and he goes with me everywhere. He doesn't hang out with his friends, have any hobbies, or give me any space because he works a lot and spends all of his free time with me more than he does with his other children. Overall he is a great, loving, caring man but I am over this whole marriage thing.

Leslie - posted on 06/08/2016

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Have you looked into any work-at-home jobs? There are some real opportunities out there - for years I worked for an online tutoring company - loved it and the hours were flexible. Two websites to check out are wahm.com and cwahm.com, they both have some real job listings.

Please don't go for a divorce - that will only make the situation worse financially! You say he thinks you are a perfect family. Have you sat down with him and looked at your budget, bills and finances together - he may not realize how difficult things are without you working. Keep in mind too, if this is your last year in school then your situation will also change since you won't have tuition to pay - and then you can work in your chosen field. It does sound like some counseling may help you both - if you would like to call 855-382-5433, Focus on the Family can provide a free phone consultation with a licensed counselor - that may be a good idea to get an unbiased opinion and some ideas of how to help the relationship.

Jodi - posted on 06/08/2016

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Why are you not addressing the relationship issues? Your latest post is actually avoiding the real issues of the situation. Can I ask why?

Tonya - posted on 06/08/2016

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I go to school full time and i work weekends. This is my last year before i graduate. I stay at home during the week because we don't get any government assistance and cant afford an extra $800 a month in daycare on top of living expenses, food, tuition, insurance, and child support.

Michelle - posted on 06/07/2016

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I agree with Jodi. If you can't afford the children you have, why would you choose to have another child.
Get some counselling and you will need to get a job to support your children. You probably won't get anything now since you have 3 months to go but as soon as you can after this baby is born you should go out and work.

Jodi - posted on 06/07/2016

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Honestly? You are contemplating divorcing this man-child and yet you agreed to have another baby and now, even though you guys can't pay your bills and can't support the children you have, you went ahead with that idea anyway?

I'm going to suggest you guys get counselling because this is just a really toxic situation and neither of you are being at all responsible in your decision making.

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