cant see grandparents anymore....

Cheyenne - posted on 12/10/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )




recently i had a falling out with my brother actually. hes 17 by the all started when i was pregnant but just recently about 2 weeks ago he threatened my son who by the way is only 10 months old and hasnt done anything. my brother doesnt like us coming over for whatever reason. he told my mom and sister that if my son didnt leave he would kick him in the head and slap his face. and i know he meant it because he has said stuff like that before it front of me. well yesterday i had enough, i told my mom that i cant have my son around them anymore. she understood. my brother has also been very mean to my mom recently too. he tried slapping her and whipping her with his t-shirt. my brother was also abusive to me when i was 17 and i had to move out because no one in my family did anything and i couldnt take it anymore. that was 3 years ago and even though he doesnt hit me anymore he still abusive in other ways. i feel so bad that i cant take my son to see his grandparents and aunt, my son is my parents first grandchild also. so we have to start treating this like a custody battle. i would have to meet my mom at a park or something because i cant bring my son to her house. and as for Christmas my dad will be missing out because he has to watch my brother because he cant trust him home alone. i didnt want one grandparent here and one grandparent there missing out. my brother has ruined everything and we cant do nothing about it. i really want to get a restraining order against him but if i do that then i wont be able to go near anybody at that house and i cant do that to my mom and sister. i dont know what to do about my brother, i have called the cops before 3 years ago on him and had proof that he was hitting me and they didnt do one thing. and im not sure that if i tell the cops about what hes doing right now if they'll care or if my parents will lie for my brother. im stuck, my mom loves my son more than any of us 3 kids and its really hard to not have her see him. i live in California so laws are different in other places. please if someone can help me figure out what to do ill take anything.


[deleted account]

By not getting your brother the help he needs.... or having him locked up, your mom is making her choice on what is really important to her. If she really wants a relationship w/ your child.... she will do whatever it takes to make that happen. You have to protect your son. If that means she chooses to associate w/ your brother over her grandchild.... well, that sucks, but nothing you can do about HER choices. Personally, I WOULD get a restraining order against your brother. If he makes any more threats or comes near you... call the cops. Every time for as long as it takes.

I'm sorry your family has put you in this position, but the safety and well being of your son is first... no matter what. Good luck!!

Laura - posted on 12/13/2010




Ditto what the others are saying: Your first duty is to the safety and well-being of your son. Your parents have made their choice--your out-of-control brother comes first to them (your mother's passive behavior can be construed as consent). Remember that these are THEIR choices! If your mom truly loves your son "more than any of us", than she will choose to find a way to visit him. You cannot control her behavior and decision-making; you can only control your own. Know that you are making good decisions for both you and your child right now! Your family needs professional help, especially your brother, and until they are all safe to be around, stay away! By the way, legal counsel on what options you may have to keep your brother away is also good advice. Try contacting your local social services agency--they often have ties to lawyers that will do "pro bono" (free) work. Know what legal options you have!

In the meantime, you can build a family of choice by becoming involved in a support group (single moms, victims of abuse, etc). Contact your local hospital or mental health facility for information. You can attend a church (or other house of worship) if religion is important to you as another way to find a supportive community. Check your local library to see if they sponsor any on-going groups or programs. Hobby interest groups often use libraries and many are open to the public and free! This can be an excellent way to meet new friends and build a support network for yourself. Take care of yourself and your son and work on making good decisions for the both of you. Hope this helps and good luck!

Amber - posted on 12/13/2010




You're parents need to step up and start parenting their out of control child. Children don't get to opt out of therapy...they don't really get to opt out of much. They don't pay the bills.
Until your parents start doing this, it is best that you keep your son away. As one of the other ladies stated, they made their decision to not see your child when they allowed their son to act the way he did.

My father has only seen my son about 5-6 times in his 4 years of life due to his poor decisions. Being an active grandparent is a priveledge, not a right. They aren't earning their position by allowing their son to endanger you and your son.

Angela - posted on 12/13/2010




I think you are doing the right thing distancing yourself from your brother, after all you have to protect your child. Personally I would give him a good beating if he threatened my child like that but then that's just me.
You are obviously painfully aware that your brother has issues, unfortunately you can't choose your family. There isn't much you can do, if your brother doesn't want help you can't force him. The only thing you can do is what you've already done which is stay away. I know it isn't fair on your mother but if she can't show tough love to your brother then that isn't your problem. As for you dad if your brother is his favourite and he won't give him any discipline then it's his own fault that he's missing out on his grandson. This is also true if your parents would lie to the police about your brother threatening your child.
Always remember it is your brother who is forcing them to choose, not you. Maybe if you're brother grows up and becomes a real man you can let him back in your life, real men don't threaten babies.

Tracy - posted on 12/10/2010




Your brother needs serious HELP. And your parents not doing anything to curtail his behavior, or get him help is only serving to hurt him. They can't baby sit him forever, so if he doesn't do something now he'll likely end up in jail. How is him being allowed to be abusive fair to your parents? Your sister? You and your kids? Oh its not. So why does he get the special dispensation?

Sorry, I've dealt with abuse in my life and it's bs. Do what you need to do to keep you and your kids safe. Honestly, I think your parents need to grow a pair and stop letting this child (under 18, still a child) run their house and terrorize the entire family.


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Amanda - posted on 12/13/2010




This is such a horrible situation!! I mean if your mom really did love your son she would get your brother the help he needs! He doesn't get a say so unless he's 18. And as for him being your fathers favorite what's up with that?! I mean your dad doesn't care that he scares you or your mother? He doesn't care that his son threatens an innocent child who happens to be his grandson? That to me doesn't make much sense. And as for your parents trying to get him counseling it sounds like there might be something physcologically wrong with him. Like a chemical imbalance or something along those lines. I mean what are his reasons for disliking your son so much?

You are doing the right thing by backing off. Stay away from there, and inform your parents that if they won't do anything about his behavior towards you and your son, you are not going to visit them anymore. Whether it's fair or not I mean your parents obviously made their choice. Chalk it up I guess. Best of luck to you sweetie! Thankfully you have a handsome lil guy to keep you smiling!

Cheyenne - posted on 12/10/2010




my brother doesnt want the help. we have all had counseling before when my mom tried to kill herself and he refused it. my brother doesnt care about anybody. and the reason he gets away with it is because he is my dads favorite. i know that may sound stupid but ive done things that were bad and i got punished for it. my brother does worser things and gets rewarded. so my dad wont punish him and all us girls are scared of him.

Bonnie - posted on 12/10/2010




It sounds like you brother has a problem that needs to be dealt with professionally. Your mom understanding that you can't bring your son over there anymore is great, but if she wants to be able to see her grandson and she knows this is all wrong, why is she not trying to get your brother help? Also, this has been going on for a while now and your brother has hurt you as well. I think it is time that someone has stepped up. I hope things work out for you.

User - posted on 12/10/2010




It sounds like your brother needs some sort of professional help and maybe some sort of family therapy may help you address the issues which are holding your whole family to ransom.

TJ - posted on 12/10/2010




Sorry to hear of your problems... But the only thing that you could probably do right now if go and see a : Family law attorney, to get some advice... as far as the cops doing anything it is because he is a minor, under the age of 18, they dont arrest minor for anything unless it is quite serious, they usally will take a report and put it in a file and hold on to it..

Look for a family law attorney, they just might help.... good luck.

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