Chances of sole custody with no visitation?

Faith - posted on 06/21/2014 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I'm a single mother who joined this site for advice. My daughter is 7 months old and I had to push to even get her father to claim her as his. I actually purschased a swab test so that he would start seeing her. I wanted to give him a chance to be involved and work out visitation without court. However he really liked the idea of being a dad more than actually being one and when I tried to talk to him about he is starting to get subtly verbally abusive and manipulative similar to a mentally abusive ex I had when I was younger. I'm concerned for both myself and my daughter. I don't want him to get even partial custody or visitation for both our sakes. Advise from other moms? I think he's being selfish and trying to antagonize me more so than wanting to be there for my daughter. I haven't kept him from her whatsoever, Just to keep that in mind. Advise?

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Angela - posted on 06/25/2014

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I'm wondering when you first got the inkling that this guy was unstable or dangerous? Because it sounds as though he's only been actively involved with the child since you "proved" his paternity via the DNA swab test.

Also I don't know what country you live in - the Law differs around the world and some countries levy a hefty fee to have cases heard in Court. If this is the case in YOUR country, it is still worth the money to have custody, maintenance and visitation officially established by a Judge.

The bottom line is this man has found out he is a parent with YOU, someone whom he didn't feel inclined to pursue a relationship with beyond the early stages. He knows this will "bind" you to him for life, and will also impact on his other relationships. Meanwhile, because he knows the child is definitely his, he genuinely loves and has a bond with her. This happens to lots of people but all the while he loves and cherishes his child, there will be resentment, confusion and even fury that the other parent is YOU.

These circumstances produce the formula for his behaviour. In ideal circumstances, people CHOOSE a partner that they commit to, stay with and CHOOSE (together) to bring a child into the world - for a great many children born, these ideal circumstances don't exist. But your child's father probably feels he's been cheated of the joy and autonomy of founding a family under such "ideal circumstances" - and under his own preferred TIMING. Furthermore, the responsibilities of being a parent also impact on his existing lifestyle - socially, financially and practically - again not something he personally CHOSE (and he's aware it's not the child's fault). So he will address this by getting "subtly verbally abusive and manipulative" and the target will be YOU.

However, he DID choose to get intimate with you, no matter how casual or short-term he regarded this relationship. And you chose to consent to this at the time the 2 of you were together. So you both need to overcome the negative feelings. Talk to him and explain you understand all the stuff (as I've described). Tell him that though neither of you planned this, you've been rewarded with a lovely daughter and it's not her fault so for the sake of your daughter, it's better that you treat one another with courtesy and respect.

Talk to him BEFORE any Court hearing. But still have it all decided in Court. And keep a diary (that's very important).

Good luck.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/24/2014

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First, you need to go to court and get custody, visitation and child support set up.

Second, you need to have actual proof he is a danger to the child such as arrest records, court records where he was convicted of any abuse or other things that would be danger to children, drug use that is documented, abuse of alcohol and drunk driving, and other things that could be legally used in court to set up even supervised visitation or no visitation at all. Just because he got verbal about things and sounded angry is not enough of a reason to cut him out of the baby's life. She is his child too.

Third, you can not tell the court what you want. The judge is gong to decide what he or she thinks is in the best interest of the child and that includes having a relationship with the father and the judge will give the father visitation based on the evidence brought to court. If there is no apparent reason for danger to keep father from having access to his child, the judge is going to give liberal visitation. If there is danger to the child as a worry, the judge will set up visitation that is supervised with a third party being there with the child.

Fourth, you will have to abide the decisions of the court and so will this father. You can not change it or withhold visits for whatever petty reasons you want to or he is going to take you to court for parental alienation and he could get awarded custody.

Ev - posted on 06/21/2014

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And that also happens while under the influence. But I would hope that people would just stop and think a few minutes before acting...it would save a lot of the problems they have later.

Ev - posted on 06/21/2014

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And that was all any mother wants for her child/ren. But what you do not understand is that when this goes to court, the judge has the final say in how things will go. You can ask for your points to be the ones that the judge goes with but the judge will go on the facts presented. They will even go to the point of having an ad lietm appointed to the kids to determine the best for the kids. I have been there so I do know. Once that judge rules, that is it. You have to abide by those orders or if you do not, her father will have you back in court if he really wants to press things. I am just trying to tell you how it is. Doing it the way you are does work for some but not for others. And frankly, it gets messy. Because depending on your state laws where you live, if he did have the child with him for a day, he could decide not to give her back and there would not be much you could do where as if you had a court order stating you were the custodial parent, he would not have a leg to stand on if he tried to keep her from you.

Faith - posted on 06/21/2014

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As to the comment about sleeping with people you just met....I actually knew him as a coworker for a good amount of time. Thought he was a friend and I'm not trying to make excuses, but it was under the influence. I'm not perfect, but I am a good mom.

Faith - posted on 06/21/2014

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Evelyn,

I've never withheld visits. And won't. Because even though I am in control of what happens right now with visits I'm not trying to be nasty or underhanded in this. I'm concerned for her mental safety. I don't believe he would physically hurt her and until recently I just thought he was deadbeat not a danger. The more I get to know him the more I'm scared for my daughter's mental health future. My family has mental illnesses that run in the family and the reason we are successful is because we aren't the way he is with his family or towards me. I'm concerned about her now or later going to his living situations since he cant afford to live on his own he has to have roommates and they've always been male or unstable girlfriends he's moved in within 3 months of knowing. I wanted to give him chances because honestly I didn't used to think he was a bad person. I understand your points though. I just want the best for my daughter.

Ev - posted on 06/21/2014

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In answer to your unstated question about meeting someone I thought was nice and so on: I did not go to bed with anyone I had just met or gotten to know for a few months even. I did not do this until I got married to the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I was 21 when we married. Today, I have been divorced 12 years from the man. Even if you know someone a long time it does not matter sometimes that they turn out to be different than you thought. But what I can not understand is that people meet up and do not know one another and then the lady gets pregnant. I think people need to stop and think about sleeping with people they do not know or know very well at all because not only are you worrying about a child, but there are also a lot of unknowns too like diseases this person has or carries or other issues.

Faith - posted on 06/21/2014

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Evelyn you are correct. It was taken by us so it can not be used in court. However in my state because I have a medical card for my daughter(my job doesn't offer coverage to her) I have to get a dna test in court
Evelyn I also want to shed some light on it a bit more.
I originally did want him involved. I am the one who sought him out multiple times. Now maybe I should have left it alone after the first few times of brushing me off, but I didn't. I wanted him involved originally andi I am nothing,but courteous to him. When we discuss visitation etc I try to understand his points, but to also know my daughter and myself's limits. He does have a dui on his record. He got it around the time I met him. And yes I did choose him for relations. I take responsibility for that. I also didn't know him very well and didn't think he was a bad a person at the time.
I'm guessing you could tell me a time where you met someone that you thought was nice and good then they turned out to be a pretty horrible person.
All I want to do is protect my daughter. She is not a pawn. And I'm not using her as a pawn because I'm mad at him. I've actually been trying to be understanding about his emotions with this, but if he can be disrespectful and degrading to me whose to say that won't eventually be the case with her.
Also he's admitted to me his need for constant change. That's why he said he dates unstable people, changes apartments every few months, and changes jobs(or gets fired either or)
I wanted to give him a chance to let me see he could be a good father in spite of those qualities that may not make him a stereotypical good father. Now he also lives with a male roommate I don't know. He has not contributed at all financially. I don't need the help financially, but is it suggested I go after him for it? I didn't know if that would be beneficial to me in court or hurt my case by saying I take money from him

Ev - posted on 06/21/2014

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Faith--

No matter how nice your are to him or how much you do consider his points in all this, no matter how unstable a person he is to you or how he lives his life since you two were together is not enough to get full custody without visitation. AND GET CHILD SUPPORT! He is half responsible for this baby. But if you with hold that child from him he can and might take you to court to get custody himself. And in a lot of cases anymore judges are going with joint custody. Now that she is under the age of one, the judge is going to look at other things too because if a mother breastfeeds the judge is not going to allow overnight visits because of that. Also, you have to have absolute proof he is a danger to your child. The judge is not going to go with he said/she said things. They want proof of things. I understand totally wanting to protect your daughter but the judge is not going to see it that way when you want to with hold the visits unless there is a valid reason. Just because he does not stay at one job that long or lives in a place for long does not mean that he is going to be a bad father. That is what makes me wonder what is going through people's minds especially the mothers involved because a lot of them seem to think the father can not do anything right where the child is concerned even to the point of changing a diaper. The judge is going to look at his situation and determine from that on those facts. You could retain full custody, but he is going to get visitation that will change over time as she gets older so he can have those overnights for weekends and holidays when she gets school aged. What I am trying to say here is that you can present your feelings to the judge but he or she is going to be the one with the final say in this. You do not get to dictate what happens. And once again, you have to have absolute proof that he is a danger to your child.

Ev - posted on 06/21/2014

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Angela--swab test is for DNA done by taking a large swab and running it inside the mouth of the person to be tested I believe.

Ev - posted on 06/21/2014

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Well, you need to do some things differently.

First, you need to go to court and get custody, visitation and child support set up.

Second, you need to have actual proof he is a danger to the child such as arrest records, court records where he was convicted of any abuse or other things that would be danger to children, drug use that is documented, abuse of alcohol and drunk driving, and other things that could be legally used in court to set up even supervised visitation or no visitation at all. Just because he got verbal about things and sounded angry is not enough of a reason to cut him out of the baby's life. She is his child too.

Third, you can not tell the court what you want. The judge is gong to decide what he or she thinks is in the best interest of the child and that includes having a relationship with the father and the judge will give the father visitation based on the evidence brought to court. If there is no apparent reason for danger to keep father from having access to his child, the judge is going to give liberal visitation. If there is danger to the child as a worry, the judge will set up visitation that is supervised with a third party being there with the child.

Fourth, you will have to abide the decisions of the court and so will this father. You can not change it or withhold visits for whatever petty reasons you want to or he is going to take you to court for parental alienation and he could get awarded custody.

You did chose this man to have relations with and had a child with him. The baby is not a thing to be used as pawn. He has every right to this child and just because he got angry and verbal about things does not mean is exactly like the last guy you were with that was abusive. You must have said something that made him mad about the arrangements or being a dad that ticked him off and made him talk harshly. You have to be careful when dealing with the father of your child because he is going to be there for the next 18 years and anything you say or do could backfire on you if he thinks its keeping him from his child.

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