Cheating

Coping... - posted on 07/10/2011 ( 45 moms have responded )

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We have been married 10 years. He has been active duty the whole time. We have no kids together however, we do have my daughter (17) who he has raised since she was 6 and his son who is 12 that came to live with us two years ago. H went to training before his deployment and came back stating he thinks he wants to seperate. I was surprised as we just bought a house and he was preparing to deploy the following month. I flat out asked him if he had met someone (he said he didn't). So I told him if he really feels like he wants a divorce that he should leave. He did. For one night then came back home, we talked and he said he was confused. I told him not to come back if until he made up his mind and that I wan't the type who could live with him knowing he loved me but wasn't in love with me and wanted to leave. I asked him not to send mixed signals and to take the time to make a choice. He was back home and acted like things were fine. I had thought in the back of my mind "what if he was just keeping peace until deployment to avoid having to move out?" When I told him how I felt he just charmed his way around it and basically to me he wouldn't do that. So fast forward he deployed last week. I have heard from him twice, the second conversation he was down and anxious to hang up. I suspected (maybe have a suspicious mind) but my instincts were right. He has allready emailed a woman(girl) he met while he was gone training and not only that he has called her twice. The email she sent him went something like, "I really like you, your the sweetest etc....then P.S. I wish I was in your arms. His response was "Thank you for being you, the most wonderful person inside and out. I love everything about you. P.S. I can't wait for the day I can look into those dreamy eyes." Yes, cheesy I know. I need to know how to handle this. 1. Confrontation? Geeze he has only been gone a week. 2. Continue to monitor his emails, print them, get proof? 3. Accept his calls (if he does call) pretent things are fine while I gather my info? 4. Don't communicate with him at all, don't take his calls etc...
Please help me cope!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Tah - posted on 07/10/2011

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As a military wife, and the admin of military spouses on here, I wouldn't put much stock in what the military is gonna do to him. They are getting less and less involved with these situations and to be honest alot of the chain of command are cheating as well. Heck on wife flew out to meet her chief husband and caught him walking hand and hand with his gf so you really think if that's your husbands command they are gonna nail him. I don't running and telling on your husband because of these issues anyway so everyone can be In your business. I fel like we are adults and we need to handle this as if you were not military.

I would tell him what you found and then I would cut the contact. don't yell or scream..just calmly tell him what you found and that you need a break as well to figure what you want to do since he can't be honest and obviously he isn't worth a bit of trust. Copy and paste..or forward the email to him so he can't deny it and when he calls, just let the kids talk to him. You will cry, but not in front of him..you will be sad..but not in front of the kids...the worse thing for a man is to know he hurt the woman and for her NOT to talk to him. Then he doesn't know what she is thinking..also, I hope you have a plan B. I always tell the military spouses to make sure they go to school or have at least pt work to fall back on. They all think the military is going to snap their fingers and make the money flow to them in case of separation or divorce and then they see that's not the case and fight harder with the command then if they just take his tail to court, so that's what I suggest to them..court. I'm sorry you are going through this and will leave you the link to military spouses as well, we have post on things like this almost daily so you aren't alone..

Jenn - posted on 07/10/2011

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You will have to confront him but you need to gather as much proof and facts as you can because he will most likely deny and/or excuse it away. I am so sorry you have to deal with this without being one-on-one with him!! My heart goes out to you. Removing as much emotion as you can and then confronting him, prepared for his lies or denial, will be your best weapon and empower you most. What he says and how he reacts will help you tremendously in your decision on what to do next.

Serinitee - posted on 07/15/2011

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I know things are difficult. Honestly, in my situation, I'd take Tah's suggestion a step further and actually send him the divorce papers. Of course, you probably have so many other things to consider, but I think the fact that he is more concerned with chatting with a chit barely out of Barbie panties (I'm sorry, it's just how I imagine her after reading that ridiculous email - I know I'm probably around her age) than speaking with his own family is beyond a good enough reason to ditch his tail. That is simply disrespectful, careless, and inconsiderate. I have a father like him.

Wendy - posted on 07/12/2011

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take each day as it comes don't make any rash decisions that you may regret and if you want a divorce then while he's away consult a lawyer they maybe able to help you with what you need to do if you're divorcing on the grounds of adultery!

Inga - posted on 07/12/2011

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Hi, I'm not a military wife, but my hubby's a cop. Three years ago he woke up one morning and announced he was moving out! We had two young girls together at the time, and had just had 10 year anniversary. His parents pressured him to go to counseling, he promised he wasn't seeing anybody or "trying". Turns out he was on match.com & craigslist pers & yahoo personals. I knew his generic passwords & "altered" his profiles :-) also, he left cuz the dept slut promised to spread her legs for him if he did. She was just a tease, so I've been told....
Go talk to a divorce lawyer!!!!
Bring your taxes for the last couple years and any and all info about him & his behavior you can!!
I spent $350 for 1 hour, but what I found out scared him shitless!!!!!
Tell him, next time he calls, what you know he's doing (don't let him argue, make him think you know more than you do) and that youve seen a lawyer. Say he can have his space, then let him sweat til he comes home.
By that time, you will have processed the situation more and be able to be less emotional and more objective. Men absolutely HATE that! They are only comfortable with women they can lable as emotionally "out of control"!
Good luck, I got that same free fall feeling just reading about this. Sooo sorry you have to deal with it like this.

45 Comments

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Coping... - posted on 07/12/2011

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Inga...thanks for you post. Everyday I fell stronger from the encouragment I get from this site. Can you give me an idea what the lawyer said that scared your husband shitless?

Stifler's - posted on 07/12/2011

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I agree with Constance, forward the emails from the secret email to this other chick to everyone. Trial in the court of public opinion!

Coping... - posted on 07/11/2011

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@Katie..you chose the perfect word "pathetic". No way have you offended me. I am drawing strength from this community and I appreciate all of it.

Katie - posted on 07/11/2011

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I just came across your post and while I read through all the replies my heart goes out to you..I am NOT a military wife but I am a wife and I dont believe for one mintue that what your husband is doing to you is ok. There is no justification for what he is doing!!! I have 2 daughters (7 and 5) and I see that your beautiful daughter is 17, she is becoming a woman and is now discovering herself in a whole new way, please stop for a mintue and think would you want this for YOUR daughter?? Would you be ok with a man treating YOUR daughter like this?? If the answer is no then do both of you a favour and leave him!!! No man has a right to cheat on his wife regardless of where he is. By all means gather your info on his pathetic new relationship but please dont let him talk his way out of it.. You are an amazing, strong woman and you deserve better. Oh and i think Constance's idea of emailing everybody in both families is brilliant.. Whatever you decide I wish you all the best..I hope I havent offended you, I just think you deserve better =)

Constance - posted on 07/11/2011

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Well you could send a CC to everybody in yours and his family the e-mails he is sending to her then he can't pull the she left me for no reason. It might cause a few issues but at least the whole story would be told.

Coping... - posted on 07/11/2011

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Good idea sending the mail to both of them. I just can't help but think that is exactly what he want's to happen. For me to find out, get pissed and file. Then he can tell himself, family, kids that I was the one who filed. IDK

Constance - posted on 07/11/2011

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If you want to be able to tell him at least by phone then I would wait on revealing the secrect e-mail. So that when you confront him and he deniegn that he is speaking to her then you can say ok honey I believe you then send him a e-mail to the secrect account. To him and her so he has no room to get around what is going on.

It could be an e-mail that starts off a little like this.

Hello husband name and girls name,

I know you think that you are getting away with you affair but I know all about it. I am so glad husband's name that you ae willing to throw away 10 yrs. of marriage for a girl that is still in elementary school. Thank you for making this such an easy decision for me.

I WANT A DIVORCE.

Thank you for your time. That will be away that he knows you know and for he to know about you. It is true that she may not have any idea that he is married so if that is the case then that gives her the oportunity get away from him. Maybe even join the big girls club. If she does know then she will find out so do you.

Coping... - posted on 07/11/2011

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More info..the email that I have the password to is a new email he created. This is the email he talks to her on. His normal or everyday email he hasn't even bothered to check. I suppose I could send an email to his "secret"email. I just really don't know what to say right now.

Coping... - posted on 07/11/2011

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I did tell him the truth..to leave if that is what he wanted but he played the game so well. Saying he was just confused and then making his last few weeks at home blissful. Now all of a sudden I hear nothing. What kills me is that his is using the computer and the phone, just to contact her, not his family.

Coping... - posted on 07/11/2011

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Put him on diet would be right. Too bad I have NO way of contacting him. I suppose and email would suffice but I am not satisfied with that. He needs to hear it from me. The anger and hurt in my voice. I still wonder does she even know if he is married? I thought about telling her but if she already knows that would be a mute point.

Tah - posted on 07/11/2011

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Coping, I do want to say I am glad you were strong enough to tell him the truth and be strong when he came home with that stupidity. Many wives wouldn't have done that put up with it just to have him. I know it's hard but you are a strong woman and I can see that already...









http://www.circleofmoms.com/moms-need-mo...

Constance - posted on 07/11/2011

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Or how bout. I don't understand why he had an affair. Yes he was married when we stated seeing each other but he loved me not her.

Hello he was married.

Constance - posted on 07/11/2011

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Yeah my favorite is. You sleeping with a married man?

Ye he loves me and he is going to leave his wife.

Ok How long have you been sleeping together 3 years.

Yeah he is going to leave his wife. Not

Tah - posted on 07/11/2011

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Exactly Constance..some prince that's cheating on his wife of 10 years with you..and you think he's gonna rescue you, and you would be exempt from his actions..HA

Constance - posted on 07/11/2011

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@Tah I love the envelope idea I neve thought of that. I have been a military brat my whole life.

@Coping, He must feel fattered, but damn she is acting like a 10 yrs old. My prince is going to rescue me? Yeah she has a lot to learn about men.

Tah has a lot of great points. I am also around if you need to talk.

Tah - posted on 07/11/2011

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Distance....whether he is planning on moving on or not..this is the beginning...when you first meet each other and it's all tee hee and I like that too..grass always looks greener until you realize you are the one not watering your lawn...what's even worse..is the thought that the neighbor has a 60 ft hose and is willing to do it for you. If he thought for one moment that Jody or mike would be willing to come comfort you during this hard time in your marriage he would be trying to swim home. Right now he feels like he can have his cake and eat it too....I say put him on a diet..

Coping... - posted on 07/11/2011

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I meant lame at covering his tracks. If he doesn't call on Monday I will be surprised and pissed. This is our fifth deployment and unless he is moving from one place to another he usually calls everyday. So three days in a row would be out of character. Maybe he is creating distance between us verbally because he feels guilty? Or perhaps he is really moving on with this little girl?

Tah - posted on 07/11/2011

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Well apparently he isn't covering them to well since you know his every move..smh..so sad he actually thinks he's getting away with something....HA....

Coping... - posted on 07/11/2011

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They don't sense a thing. I am a master at being strong during deployments. I haven't done anything different so they are good to go. It just pisses me off to no end that he is doing this. Well he hasn't spoke to them yet...Both times he called they were doing other things. He hasn't tried to call again in the last two days, but he did call the young chick today..and yesterday. He is so lame and covering his tracks.






I feel like I just met my twin in you :)

Tah - posted on 07/10/2011

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Glad to hear it..I know people say don't play games, but sometimes you have to strategize..you keep taking care of the kids, all they know is dad is deployed. Can they sense something is going on, sure. If they ask, you tell them the truth, you and daddy love each other and sometimes people who love each other have a rough patch, it's normal, but no one loves them any less, but only if they ask. Whether he talks to you or not, he should keep in contact with the kids..I'm not going anywhere..I'm everywhere on COM..I'll send you more links to my hideouts..lol...

Coping... - posted on 07/10/2011

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Love it! Especially that care package idea. Your probably right about him just being flattered. When he calls, the conversation will for sure be cold. I'm not ready to play all my cards yet. I'm trying to be careful not to turn this into a sick obsession to mess with him. But just enough messing seems to fit me. :)

Sending the care package is exactly what I am going to do. Then I am going dark. He will make a choice at that time to either straighten his behind out or be relieved that he doesn't have to talk to me anymore. (Not sure I'm ready for that).

And what about his son? I am the one taking care of him, his biological mother sent him to us two years ago! Also, my daughter he has been raising since she was 6 and is now about to start her senior year. Yea, that's just what she needs to be going through.

Please don't abandon me girl...I like the idea of the manilla envelopes too! I'm ready to hear about your other 1000 ways.

You know what? This is the first time I smiled today!

Tah - posted on 07/10/2011

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She is probably not much older than 12 and he's flattered..doesn't matter.he still needs to get a hold of himself..if you don't want to tell him yet..then fine..but when we spoke he would think we were having a conversation on top of an iceberg....he would be asking me what the problem was..and I'd send him a care package after I gathered some more info...with socks..skittles...cookies and the emails printed out and the business card of a divorce attorney....then nothing..he would know you mean business and get a clue. Too often the military spouse is crying and begging for him not leave because if he does where does that leave her..gives sgt such and such too much power, keep the ball in your court...he doesn't want a divorce..he likes the feeling of sneaking and having some other chick think he's attractive, she just wants to play the game and see of she can get some health insurance.



My friends husband cheats on every deployment..5 so far..that she knows of, the last one to Korea she found out and he tried to flip it on her getting upset because she found out. Then he said he didn't want her to leave..and please don't divorce him. Theybhave been together 14 years.. I suggested she send him mamilla envelopes every 3 weeks..the ones separation and divorce papers would be mailed in..some with blank pieces of paper just so he could be on the edge of his seat...I got a 1000 ways to have a cheater in medical looking for some nitro to put under his tongue..I told her, "I'm not saying you have to leave, but you need to put the fear in him, he'd be too scared to whip it out to pee let alone to put in some chicken head"....I'm just saying...

Coping... - posted on 07/10/2011

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Thanks Tah Dula! That's the same thing I said about her email. I feel like I am ready to confront him, problem is he has only been gone for 1 week. If I confront him now, I will have no further proof of anything. As of now he doesn't suspect I know his email password. Also, didn't get the link.

Coping... - posted on 07/10/2011

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I know her name and where she is located. 2000 miles from here. I realized when he went tdy is when they obviously met since she is from the city he went to. I also know from her emails (content and wording) and pictures she sent him that she is very young. I would say 21, 22. Let me show you her last email sent tonight in response to his cheesy one he sent yesterday..

"subject: My HoneyDewMelon
That message was beautiful, you make me feel like..Snow White\ Princess Jasmine\Cinderella\ The Little Mermaid\ Sleeping Beauty.. You know what I mean. I Pray one day you'll be my King! Sweeping me off my feet! This fairy tale feels real to me!

I dont know. It's all to strange. I can hardly wrap my head around it. It is hard, because I would like to talk to my friends and family but don't want to worry them about me while he is deployed just yet.

Can't believe I am dealing with what seems to be such juvenile behavior and conversation.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 07/10/2011

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Strong maybe, but the strong put up with too much too. My relationship is on the rocks too hun
So I'm really sorry about what you're going through. It's not easy

[deleted account]

I've heard from other military wives that the military doesn't take too kindly to military men that cheat on their wives. I'd quietly gather as much evidence as I could and then nail him to the wall. Men that cheat are royal scum in my book.

Constance - posted on 07/10/2011

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You are defidently right if you to this to his command he would get strung up by his balls. I know it probally is tempting. LOL

If you are not ready to confront this with him yet ten you are going to have to fake it for awhile. Pretend nothing is wrong and if thet doesn't work lie tellhim you are having a rough day. Just make sure you have it planned out what you are going to say so you don't fumble you words.

I think though you need to figur out who this girl is. What do you know from the e-mail about her? Name? Location? Anything?

Coping... - posted on 07/10/2011

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He is Army. I am also worried about how I will handle the confrontation. It isn't like he is exposed to constant danger in his job. He won't even leave the camp. So for that I am greatful. If I choose to confront him then at least I know he won't carry it with him out on missions because he goes on none. Does he even realize the jeopordy he is putting himself in with his job? I mean really, if I wanted to I could easily take it to his command. He is higher ranking and could create serious problems for himself. I want to focus on something, anything other than this. I am finding it extremely difficult to do that. Maybe time will help. With my luck just as soon as some time goes by and I gather strength, he will call. I am dreading that call to tell you the truth. Any advice from you is much appreciated.

Constance - posted on 07/10/2011

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Take your time and you will know the answer. Just make sue you are mentaly prepared before you confront. I am worried about how you are going to handle everything.

Is he Navy?

Coping... - posted on 07/10/2011

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Jenn, confront him eventually. As for right now I think it would do more harm than good for me. It seems in some sick twisted way I want to know exactly what type of relationship he is entering in. I mean who does that? Divorce first then start a new relationship. Not find someone new first then end your marriage.

Coping... - posted on 07/10/2011

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Nicole he hasn't asked to see others. Matter of fact he denied meeting anybody. However, your so right! I need to know how I FEEL about it. And right now my emotions are so all over the place that I think I need time. Time to process. Your so strong and I admire that. I'm usually the same way. I just feel like I have been puched in the stomach and dropped to my knees because I can't breathe.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 07/10/2011

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Well, just think about the facts. He's asked to see others. He's been confused lately. Now you find emails. You have a right to be angry, torn and confused yourself. Just keep in mind the basics - those 3 things, as they are the most important.

Honestly, I'd flip out if my spouse wanted to see other people. That would be the end of it for me. I wouldn't want to worry whether he loves me enough to stay around. I just personally couldn't handle it. Expecially if I found emails, I'd be over it so fast - angry and telling him off. But, I know how I feel about this. So make sure you know how you feel about it. Think about it. You don't have to tell your kids yet. Just come to terms with it yourself. Research divorce. Write about what you would do on your own. Talk to other women who can inspire, motivate or console. Anything that will help you through this - no matter what decision you make, is what you need.

Coping... - posted on 07/10/2011

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Constance, I appreciate the support. You are right, we do go through so much. I am not exactly willing to hold on until the deploment is over however, don't want to rush into anything either. I am trying to keep a level head. My kids have no idea what is going on and I would prefer it that way right now. I am prepared to see what they are writing back and forth and how deep it gets. (Maybe it will just tapper off). My fear of confrontation, truth be told, is that he will deny it, or explain it away somehow. Maybe keep an eye on it for awhile and then confront? Right now I feel like when he calls he will know right away that I am not myself. And that I may not be able to bite my tongue.
My emotions go all over the place from anger, to sadness and back to anger. Would be easier if I could just stay mad! I am unsure if the girl knows he is married. I can honestly say that I am torn. I typed up an email but deleted it before I sent it. I do not want to give him the satisfaction of having his cake and eat it to as far as talking to the both of us.

Coping... - posted on 07/10/2011

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Nichole..I have printed and saved. Document our phone calls, what do you mean? Time and Date? I am so trying to stay positive but at this point it is difficult. He won't be back until the end of December. I don't know about a difinitive answer because I haven't spoke to him about this particular incident. I am not sure if I should ask for a difinitve answer. I feel crushed by the emails. He has no need to call me on the regular or his kids if he is occupied with her. I am willing to divorce but am far from ready for this.

Constance - posted on 07/10/2011

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Military wife to military wife. We go through so much with our husbands. While they are away we have to stay behind and give them all the support they need. Care packages, phone cards, extra money, ect.... 10 years is a long time to be a military wife. I wish I could just give you the exact adive on what to do but I can't.

The only thing I can tell you is: You are a military wife. You are strong independent woman. You have to make the decision if you are willing to hang on till this deployment is over or if you arenot going to be lied to and share his affection with another woman.

If you are prepared to actually see what they are writing back and forth then that is decision you have to make.

You can confront him if you so choose, but it can be something tricky with him being deployed.

If you want to talk to him is another decisionyou will have to make.

The decision is yours in this case. I am a good listener and ifyou need to talk then I am here. You do seem like you have all the evidence you need. Nowthe ball is in your court. You have to decide when to throw it in the bsket.

I am sorryI can't do more to help. I hope it does help some. Good luck.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 07/10/2011

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Well, if a divorce is going to ensue, proof can't hurt. Print and save. Document your phone calls. It may help you in court. Try to stay positive - at least he's gone for now. When will he be back? When will he give you a definitive answer? How do you feel about the emails? You are willing to divorce, right? You are ready for this?

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