Raye - posted on 11/06/2016 ( 12 moms have responded )
For those of you that know me, sorry I haven't been around in a while. I mostly logged in from work, and they cracked down on internet use. And, from the title of this post, you can probably tell I've had some personal issues to attend to, also.
My husband got reacquainted with an old girlfriend, and began an inappropriate relationship with her for about 5 months. He claims they didn't have sex (which I believe from what I've seen of her texts and e-mails), but he said he loves her and they were planning on a life together. Well, I found out. I always thought I would leave... instant divorce was what I always said would be the consequence for cheating. But I couldn't give up on my family. Even though the kids are my step-kids, I love them dearly, and they love me. My husband said he never stopped loving me, and he has chosen to stay with me and work on our marriage. We are in counseling, and are trying to work on our differences and meeting each other's needs. I'm trying to forgive.
Here are my issues:
* He never officially broke up with her, he just stopped communication. There's an e-mail account that she still writes to (roughly 6 weeks now after he stopped writing back) that I can see. And in addition to saying how much she loves him, wants him, and misses him, she's finally starting to show that she's upset about his silence. It's a matter of time before she gives up on him, but I hate that he's too cowardly to just tell her it's over. He wants to just avoid the whole thing and forget about it. Well, I can't forget. It hurts me that she's still hanging on and he could possibly have the temptation of still having that avenue open to him (until she ends up hating him for his cowardice). I can't make him officially end it, and I promised I wouldn't contact her either. I thought I would feel better seeing her torment that he's abandoned her, but it doesn't make me feel better. He continues hurting two people he claims to love versus face any discomfort of his own by telling the truth.
* I have trouble believing his promises to me after his lies. He's doing and saying a lot of things that are "right". But while starting to rebuild with me, he continued secret contact with her for a month (first by phone until I hacked his phone, then by e-mail which it looked like he stopped before I found that). It's extremely hard to trust that he flipped this switch in himself and is all of a sudden so committed to me. And if he can just flip the switch from one woman to another how can I believe it won't happen again? He seemed to honor his vows enough to not have sex with her, and I do believe he has love for me. In any relationship staying committed is a choice (which he seems to have made). It's just trust doesn't come easy after being devastated by something like this.
* I also want to feel that he really did chose me for ME, and not just because he could have lost his job, his kids, money, etc. if he divorced me and news of the affair got out. I promised not to be vindictive if he chose divorce, but there would be circumstances out of my control and it would be a very real possibility for him to lose everything. Is he just trying to save himself, or does he really care about me? I guess it could be both. It's just that I love him so much, and I think I deserve someone that loves me as fiercely. I think he's capable, I'm just not sure he's there yet, no matter what he says. He says he's so lucky to have me (damn straight he is!) but he was willing to give that up a few short months ago by being involved with her, so what should I believe?
I want my marriage to work. I guess I'm just looking for how to trust and get back to feeling "normal". There are triggers (things that cause me to remember some of their conversations I've read) that hit me out of the blue and make me want to break down. I hope I can let go and not let these things have such a big effect on me. I know it'll take time, but some days it seems to get worse.
Any constructive advice would be appreciated.