Child custody

Elaine - posted on 07/01/2016 ( 9 moms have responded )

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So in 2011 I went to missouri and came back with a surprise. (Prego) at the time my ex liked me but soon as I told him I was prego he said it wasn't his. So I kept the baby and now she is 4. Last year we finally got the results back and 9f course hes the father... and he still denies for saying that he didn't abandon her. Oh before we got the results he asked me if he could her uncle cuz he wasn't ready for this... and I wasn't either lol but still did it. Now that he knows she is her daughter he threatens me that he will take her away from this he'll hole. I do live in the ghetto of moreno valley but she has everything she needs and family that loves her. We went out to missouri for a visit and and he only spent maybe less than half the month with her... We did have an affair but that was a mistake. When we came back we worked stuff out and said I'll be friend and so when I had hard times with my fiance i would talk to him and now he missed a payment of child support and is blaming me because I asked 3 days before the first if he was going to pay and he said yes tomorrow when I get paid but he lied and didn't so I called the child support to see what's going on with the money if it's still being processed or if he didn't pay and he didn't. He told me I could of just taken his word but I didn't and im making stuff worse for him. I understand why he's mad because all of his 900 tax money went to the child support and now his license might get suspended if he doesn't hurry up. My thing is I want to go get full custody because I'm so tired of the fear of him saying im going to take her away. I know I have a good place for her but I think what's going to happen is he's going to want visitation and I don't feel like transportation to missour once a year. Is there a way I can get full custody and then do visitation when she's old enough to be on a plane by her self? Idk what to do but I'm tired of these threats and I want it to stop. I want all the advice I can get. I already spent 3 hours doing research on this but nothing. I really wish he could just mature and we can make our own plan without court and figure out visitation because I already the judge 8s going to do what's the best it erect for the child and she barely knows him and he's been out of her life for 3 an a half years. He has sent her 2 letters and the first one was all words explaining why he left and that he wants more kids. Like he doesn't know what to do with kids. His mom tells me he has a temper and he can ba rely take out the trash and is a spoiled young man who wants his way but I don't want to take her word cuz she's tried saying she'll help him get my daughter.

What would be the best thing to do? I'm so ready to just block him completely but I don't want that to look bad on my case. Plus I do have every text an email because we never talk on the phone. Except that one time he called her because I told him to. Help please!!! :(

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Michelle - posted on 07/02/2016

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That means you should have sorted out custody when she was born. Why doesn't that make sense?
Put it this way, he can take her whenever he wants and not return her without court orders. This is what he is threatening to do and he is legally able to.
If you are serious about keeping custody of your child then you will find a way to go to court and get it sorted out properly.

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Sarah - posted on 07/03/2016

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The court would have paid for the DNA test when she was born. How old were you when you had this child?

Ev - posted on 07/03/2016

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{{Ok so all the research that I have done is just wrong. I'm not trying to keep her from him. I don't mind sharing but he doesn't want to share. He wants her all to himself.}}-----I think you are mixing up what you are getting here in advice.
(( And you are right I should have done this a long time ago but it took forever because no e wanted to pay for the dna test.}}-----Okay, now that you get that you should have done this a long time ago.
{{ And again your wrong on the kidnapping. He can not just come and take her by force unless there is a drug problem or alcohol problem or violence in the house. I'm not living I a dream wold lady, hes the one who is being selfish here by just wanting to take her away from her family. I have tried so many ways for them to communicate but he never wants to.}}------There is not a custody ordered by the courts so that means he has as much right to have her in his home as you do. If he were to come and get her and not return her to you the cops will not get involved because you have no court orders for custody and it is he said to she said. It has nothing to do with drugs, alcohol, or violence issues. It has to do with the rights of the parent here and the child to have a relationship.
(( The funny thing is everyone told me to just ignore him but I didn't because I wanted my daughter to know who her father was and I wanted him to have fair share on parenting like paying child support.}}-----Fine you want her to know but fair share on parenting is not child support. Fair share on parenting is his ability to have her in his life and on his own time and to parent her like you would. You can not determine if he is capable or not that is for a judge to decide that issue.
(( If he didn't lie to me and said he was going g to pay it the next day then maybe I wouldn't have called to see what's going g on with the money because I needed to put gas in my car.}}-----Child support is not just to put gas in your car. It is for the NEEDS of the child not you like food, clothing, roof over head, utilities for home, medical needs, and other things that are basic for a child to live. It is not about YOU!
(( In all of this I was hopi g to hear someone else story o custody battles and what I can do to get it started and what I should look out for but instead it got turned around d and pointed at me.}}-----You have to get a lawyer and do it the right way. Custody is not a battle it is the determination of what is best for the child and so far it sounds like its all what you want not what is best for the child.
(( So thank you for your wonderful help but I have better chance asking g help from my sister who's going through a custody battle herself and do some more research online and and going to the court for legal aid.)))----Your sister is not going to have time to sit down and go over what she is doing in her custody battle for you to use as what you need to do. Each case is different. What happens in hers is not going to happen in yours so do not take that to the bank. As for researching online--be very careful as not all websites carry good information. As for going to court for legal aid...the court does not provide legal aid. Legal aid is for those that can not afford a lawyer.

Elaine - posted on 07/03/2016

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Ok so all the research that I have done is just wrong. I'm not trying to keep her from him. I don't mind sharing but he doesn't want to share. He wants her all to himself. And you are right I should have done this a long time ago but it took forever because no e wanted to pay for the dna test. And again your wrong on the kidnapping. He can not just come and take her by force unless there is a drug problem or alcohol problem or violence in the house. I'm not living I a dream wold lady, hes the one who is being selfish here by just wanting to take her away from her family. I have tried so many ways for them to communicate but he never wants to. The funny thing is everyone told me to just ignore him but I didn't because I wanted my daughter to know who her father was and I wanted him to have fair share on parenting like paying child support. If he didn't lie to me and said he was going g to pay it the next day then maybe I wouldn't have called to see what's going g on with the money because I needed to put gas in my car. In all of this I was hopi g to hear someone else story o custody battles and what I can do to get it started and what I should look out for but instead it got turned around d and pointed at me. So thank you for your wonderful help but I have better chance asking g help from my sister who's going through a custody battle herself and do some more research online and and going to the court for legal aid.

Ev - posted on 07/03/2016

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{{So in 2011 I went to missouri and came back with a surprise. (Prego) at the time my ex liked me but soon as I told him I was prego he said it wasn't his. So I kept the baby and now she is 4. Last year we finally got the results back and 9f course hes the father... and he still denies for saying that he didn't abandon her. Oh before we got the results he asked me if he could her uncle cuz he wasn't ready for this... and I wasn't either lol but still did it.}}
*****So you had a DNA test done and she is his. And he does not want the responsibility of being a father. I got that.*****
{{Now that he knows she is her daughter he threatens me that he will take her away from this he'll hole. I do live in the ghetto of moreno valley but she has everything she needs and family that loves her. We went out to missouri for a visit and and he only spent maybe less than half the month with her... We did have an affair but that was a mistake.}}}
*****So he knows she is his child and is telling you he wants to take her away from where she lives. He can not just up and take her based on where she lives. He would have to prove you unfit to have her. If he has not been there he has no evidence of that. Regardless of those things he is the father and has rights to her. Even though he spent a short time with her, you can not force a person to do things they do not want to do.*****
{ When we came back we worked stuff out and said I'll be friend and so when I had hard times with my fiance i would talk to him and now he missed a payment of child support and is blaming me because I asked 3 days before the first if he was going to pay and he said yes tomorrow when I get paid but he lied and didn't so I called the child support to see what's going on with the money if it's still being processed or if he didn't pay and he didn't. He told me I could of just taken his word but I didn't and im making stuff worse for him. I understand why he's mad because all of his 900 tax money went to the child support and now his license might get suspended if he doesn't hurry up.}}}
*****So you have child support orders in place? Well, if he refuses to pay and lost his tax refund to child support then it is his problem. And you hounding him about it does not help. You need to just sit back and let child support enforcement take care of things. If he lost his lisence then it is on him not you. But quit badgering him.
{{My thing is I want to go get full custody because I'm so tired of the fear of him saying im going to take her away. I know I have a good place for her but I think what's going to happen is he's going to want visitation and I don't feel like transportation to missour once a year.}
*****You can try for full custody but that does not mean it will happen. He can also come and ask for custody and visitation if he so choses to do so. You can not stop that or have a say in if he does or does not deserve to. That is up for a judge to decide. If he gets visitation ordered you would have to abide by the orders and the visits would be more than once a year and he might be the one to do the cost of transportation or meet you half way. Also just because you do not feel like doing the transport to Missouri even once a year does not mean you get out of it. *****
{{ Is there a way I can get full custody and then do visitation when she's old enough to be on a plane by her self?}}
*****We can not tell you if you can get full custody or not. And we can not tell you about what kind of visitation will happen either. But you can not request visitation for later in her life when she is older to ride a plan alone because at 4 years old she is old enough for overnight visits as it is. If you are ordered for her to do overnights on weekends or during breaks during school year you WILL HAVE TO COMPLY. Just because you gave birth to the child does not mean you own her. He has rights too!
{{Idk what to do but I'm tired of these threats and I want it to stop. I want all the advice I can get. I already spent 3 hours doing research on this but nothing.}
*****I understand you want this to be done and over with but you are going to be tied to this man until she is 18 years old. ****
{{ I really wish he could just mature and we can make our own plan without court and figure out visitation because I already the judge 8s going to do what's the best it erect for the child and she barely knows him and he's been out of her life for 3 an a half years. He has sent her 2 letters and the first one was all words explaining why he left and that he wants more kids}}
******Okay, you are also not being very mature about this not wanting to do certain things and bugging the heck out of the guy about child support. Instead of doing the adult thing and getting custody, visitation and child support figured out 4 years ago after she was born, you have waited so long that now dad wants something to do with her you do not want to cooperate in that. It does mean that this needs a judge to help decide the best interest of the child and that is not going to be the things you want either…you can not demand the judge to do things your way. Also even though he was not in her life for 3.5 years and only sent 2 letters of recent times, that does not mean he does not want to be part of her life. Withholding visits with her is parental alienation as well as demanding when he does see her on YOUR TERMS. *****
{{. Like he doesn't know what to do with kids. His mom tells me he has a temper and he can ba rely take out the trash and is a spoiled young man who wants his way but I don't want to take her word cuz she's tried saying she'll help him get my daughter. }}
*****Were you and expert when your daughter was born? Did you know how to do everything for her up to now? No one knows how to parent after the birth of the first child they have to learn. Also taking care of a child such as feeding, diapering, clothing, bathing, and other forms of care can be learned and a man is as good as a woman when it comes to that. Just because you think he is incapable of doing so does not mean that he is. You chose this man to be with and she is the result of the union. And now you want to control how he has a relationship with his child. That is not fair. He could learn to take care of her just as you had to learn how. And because he has a temper does not mean he will use it on the child. Just because he was spoiled does not mean he can not mature up and be a father to his kid.*****
{{What would be the best thing to do? I'm so ready to just block him completely but I don't want that to look bad on my case. Plus I do have every text an email because we never talk on the phone. Except that one time he called her because I told him to. Help please!!! :(}}
*****Blocking him is wrong. If you do that it will look bad on your part and he could use that against you in court. I do not know what is in your text messages but depending on the court and laws they may or may not be admissible in the court. Also you should have 4 years ago settled the custody, visitation and child support issues. You would not be in this mess now if you had.*****
((Michelle Waldbillig - The best thing to do is to get a lawyer and discuss it all with them. You should have sorted out custody 4 years ago then you wouldn't be worrying about it now.))------The best advice on here.
{{Elaine Mcmillian - I don't have money for a lawyer. Plus that makes no sense do custody 4 years ago? She 4 now.}}-----So find out if you can get help via legal aid. And she meant that you should have gotten the custody issues solved 4 years ago when she was born not waiting until now to do something.
((Michelle Waldbillig - That means you should have sorted out custody when she was born. Why doesn't that make sense?
Put it this way, he can take her whenever he wants and not return her without court orders. This is what he is threatening to do and he is legally able to.
If you are serious about keeping custody of your child then you will find a way to go to court and get it sorted out properly.))-----Michelle is right, as of now, the father can have her and not give her back and there is nothing you can do. Just because you gave birth does not grant you full custody. Some states it does legally but not all so you need to check the laws where you live. Also she is right, get it sorted out legally and properly.
{{Elaine Mcmillian -Well I was in the foster system and my foster mom told me to just leave it alone. And no he can't just take her that's kidnapping lady. Ok well I thought I would get better answers on how to go about this custody but your not helping at all.}}----- The foster mother told you wrong. Leaving things alone makes a bigger mess. And if he takes her it is not kidnapping unless you have court orders in place saying who has custody and so forth. And as for getting better answers, I do not know what you were hoping for other than maybe someone saying what you want to do is fine and nothing will come of it and that it is legal. It is not. Michelle and I are showing you and telling you the realities of custody. You are living in a dream world if you think you can just decide what is going to happen where dad is concerned and that is a foolish thing.

Elaine - posted on 07/03/2016

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Well I was in the foster system and my foster mom told me to just leave it alone. And no he can't just take her that's kidnapping lady. Ok well I thought I would get better answers on how to go about this custody but your not helping at all.

Elaine - posted on 07/02/2016

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I don't have money for a lawyer. Plus that makes no sense do custody 4 years ago? She 4 now.

Michelle - posted on 07/02/2016

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The best thing to do is to get a lawyer and discuss it all with them. You should have sorted out custody 4 years ago then you wouldn't be worrying about it now.

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