Child left home

Patricia - posted on 04/23/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My 19 year old daughter got upset because we did not approve of her boyfriend. His is not in college he flunked out a year and a half ago. He is not working and he comes on campus every day and just hang out. Somebody gave her a blue pill to take I believe it was him she says it was not. At. least she showed me the pill and did not take it. She left home because we do not approve of him. The worst part the office where she does work-study a lady there is backing her up to leave home. She has not kids of her own. So that is where she is staying. We cannot just allow her to go down a bad road but we don't know what to do.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/23/2014

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Still, your daughter is an adult individual now. Unless she has a disability that requires you maintain care for her, she's on her own, by her own choice.

I know it's difficult, Patricia. My eldest moved out on his own over a year ago. I was sad to see him go, but glad he was ready. This is life. You cannot protect her forever, and she HAS to be able to fly or fall on her own.

Furthermore, his incarceration is really not your concern at this point. She's got to make her own choice about this one.

Ashley - posted on 04/23/2014

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If she is that upset that you guys dont approve, its probably because she really loves or likes the guy. Even through he isnt in school or doesnt have a job, does not mean hes a bad guy. I would invite both of them over, sit down and talk and get to know the guy before you pass judgement. If she is willing to give you the pill, she obviously trusts you. Dont assume it was him, just because you dont like the guy. Shes going to make her choices and you need to supprt her decisions. She isnt a little girl anymore, its time for you guys to let her take the lead on her own life. Be there for her no matter the mistakes. She will never fully learn what a bad guy is until shes had one. Its just a lesson she needs to learn by herself.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/24/2014

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Way to CONTROL another adult, Patricia! Are you now planning on dragging her ass back every single time she makes a decision for HER LIFE that you don't agree with?

You have every right to be concerned, but at this point in HER life, as she's reached the legal adulthood age, you are being overbearing and controlling. You quite obviously have no confidence in your parenting to this point, even though your daughter exhibited a great example of the good job you've done by making the decision to come back to your home. It doesn't mean that you were correct to demand that she do so, however.

As I stated before, she's an ADULT. How would you feel if your mother continued to butt in to your life, question all of your decisions, and demand that you abide by HER standards? You'd be flat out pissed off.

You have every right to warn her about potential dangerous people or behaviour, but you cannot continue to try to force your views.

Additionally, would you kindly point out in my post where I said to tell her " oh well I heard he was selling drugs but since you like him go for it. " Oh, wait, you won't be able to do that, because what I said was HIS going to jail is none of your concern. You can mention something like "well, I see he ended up where I thought he would", but that's about it. Personally, I figure that your daughter has the smarts to realize when she's screwed up (as she quite OBVIOUSLY did), and correct her situation.

Good luck controlling her for the rest of your natural life.

Jodi - posted on 04/24/2014

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If I'm a real mum. Patricia, seriously? I HAVE older children, one of whom lives away from home. But I appreciate the judgement.

Your child is an adult. Of course you have the right to be CONCERNED. But she is an adult. You can be concerned and express your concern, but your comment was you will not "allow" her to go down this road, and the fact is, it isn't your place to allow or disallow. You need to leave the choices up to her. Clearly, if she came home, you have raised her to be quite capable of making her own choices. You need to trust in that.

Also, I never said to tell her to go for it. Honestly, talk about taking my comment to the extreme. I simply said she is an adult, this is not YOUR problem. It is hers.

Patricia - posted on 04/23/2014

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If you are a real mom, I think you would be concerned it your child was hanging with someone who was selling drugs. Oh yes it is my concern because I love her. It will be too late to go crying if she would have been injured or worst. Anyway she is back home now and has admitted that she should have listen to me and her friends. She kept asking him and he was saying no he was not dealing. I do not mind her leaving home she is already saving up for an apt. Me and my husband are fine with this. If you are a REAL mom I cannot see you saying oh well I heard he was selling drugs but since you like him go for it. LOVE IS NOT LIKE A FAUCET YOU JUST CANNOT TURN IT OFF ONCE THEY REACH 18. You still love them and at the same time allow them them to grow. Guess what my belief was absolutely correct. My daughter is a Chemistry major with a 4.00 G.P.A she is fine and will do well in life. When she gets 50 years old if I feel her life is in danger I will still tell her.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/23/2014

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Patricia, as much as you won't like to hear this, here's the blunt truth:

YOUR DAUGHTER IS AN ADULT, AND IN THE EYES OF THE LAW, ABLE TO MAKE HER OWN CHOICES, LIVE HER OWN LIFE, AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT.

I'd have encouraged her to leave home as well, were I her co worker. She needs to be an independent adult, and make her own decisions, good or bad. we all did it, we all survived.

Let her know you love her, and that you always will, and then let her live her life. The question that you have to ask yourself is this: Did I raise my daughter to the best of my ability? Did I instill good morals and values in my daughter? Did I do all that I could to ensure that she'd be ready for real life?

Be confident in your parenting. Your adult daughter has joined the ranks of the real world. Congratulations!

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