Child support or no child support, that is the question

Shannon - posted on 04/07/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hello ladies,
I am just looking for some friendly mom advice to see if anyone out there is steering a similar boat. I got pregnant by a fellow (I was being RESPONSIBLE and on birth control, so my baby boy is a one in a million kind of guy) who turned out to be an alchy-drug addicted abuser who left us both alone. Fine whatever. He spread a bunch of lies about me keeping my son away from him, and again, whatever. He recently met him (just once) because I got crappy advice from an attorney, and also refused to take a paternity test or anything. I fired said attorney and told baby daddy to leave me alone. The question is... I could really use the child support. But in all things, it seems he can be counted on to do the wrong thing because this man couldn't even re-write his own schedule (being self-employed and all) to make room for 2 hours in a day for his child. Is it really worth it?
To add to this fine mess, I have/had?? a boyfriend who was really great with my son but... he turned out to be embezzling money from his past employer (to the tune of about $40,000) and is now in prison for 13 months and will come out with a felony. I had no idea he was doing this until about 4 hours before he got arrested initially. Would any of you ladies let this man back into your lives?

I have terrible taste in men, I'll admit it. I'm working on it. I just was hoping to get some insight, advice, and thoughts maybe some encouragement since I haven't been feeling overly Mighty Mom as of late. Thanks ladies.

6 Comments

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Lauren - posted on 05/14/2015

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You are the mommy girl, you have to decide what is best for you and your little one.

I know child support is a great tool to ensure that the child is properly taken care of, but if this fellow is into drugs and such I would consider either getting child support with supervised visits only for him that way the child is not alone with him for safety reasons, or just keep going about your lives without the support..... He would have to prove paternity before any alienation claims could be made, so you should be in the clear. Double check the laws in your state....

Also, as for your latter fellow, personally I would not want someone who embezzles money from his employer around my child... It's all about integrity you know? If he is willing to do that, what else is he capable of? What else has he gotten away with? Not saying you should be judgmental towards him, just stating that I would think twice before letting him around my child...

Whatever you decide, good luck! You can change your standards for men, maybe then you will find one with positive attributes... I suffered from the same bad taste for many years, it is possible to change that.... you just have to realize that you and your child deserve the best. Never settle!

Jodi - posted on 04/08/2015

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But the fact is, if he can prove you KNEW he was the father and still denied he and his son a relationship, then it is still considered parental alienation. You can't just decide you want him out of his child's life because you don't agree that he should be around. That's why there are courts.

Shannon - posted on 04/07/2015

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I should have been more clear, I am sorry. The father of my son, while unofficially acknowledges my son, he is not LEGALLY the father. As in... he is not on the birth certificate, there is no affidavit or genetic testing establishing paternity, nothing. Legally speaking he is just some dude out on the street.

The attorney I spoke with was giving me inaccurate advice insofar as my son's father has no legal rights until such time as he is legally established as the father. At this point parental alienation is not an issue because there is no parent to alienate. I hope that makes sense.

Basically what this fellow was after is he wanted to see my son but didn't want any of the legal and financial responsibilities that goes along with it. out of 9 different opportunities he was given to see his son over a 3 week period he saw him once. And never once asked for additional time per multiple offers on my part to be willing to accommodate.

Ledia - posted on 04/07/2015

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Unfortunately, "said attorney" wasn't really giving bad advice. If you refuse to allow the biological father access to his child, you can be charged with Parental Alienation, which can result in losing custody of your child to the very parent you were trying to keep him away from.

If dad really doesn't want to be a part of his child's life, you can ask him to sign away his rights to the child. Unfortunately, if you do this, he is no longer obligated to pay child support either--so you have to decide whether your child's life will be better with child support and visitation, or without either.

Lastly, child support and visitation are two completely different issues. You can get child support without visitation, however, most men who are forced to pay child support will go after some sort of visitation, so be prepared for that if you go after child support.

Important note: Until you have a court order establishing custody arrangements, the child's father has the exact same rights to the child that you do--he could show up one day, take your child, and never give him back, and there is really nothing you could legally do about it except take him to court for a custody order, which can take months.

As for the embezzler, no, I would not let him back into my life if I were you. I know embezzlers, and while he didn't steal very much, he still stole it. I would think that because he took so little, he was probably in it more for the thrill than for financial gain....or he is a REALLY stupid criminal to have gotten caught so quickly. Anyway, the embezzlers I've had experience with are usually in it for the thrill, control, and deception, and they bring a desire for those things into their relationships as well--they are fiercely controlling and possessive, and often abusive, and usually cheat with several partners at once, because they enjoy the thrill of manipulation. I wouldn't stick around. It might have just been a small $40,000 job, but the signs are still there that he would be a crappy mate.

Jodi - posted on 04/07/2015

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Said attorney wasn't giving you crappy advice. Said attorney was giving you very good advice because by denying baby daddy any access/visitation to his child you are doing something called parental alienation. Have you heard of that? It frequently leads to the parent denying the access losing custody.

Basically, if you don't have absolute PROOF that the father is a danger to the child, then you don't have the right to deny him any rights. And if you do decide you can deny visitation, and the father has proof of this and decides to file in court, then you may well lose. You need to file in court for custody and visitation orders. This protects everyone all round, including the child.

Your question was about child support (but your post had nothing to do with child support), yes you should file. Child support and visitation are two separate issues, and the father should also be financially responsible for his child.

Shannon - posted on 04/07/2015

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I should add I am fully aware of the fact that this is what happens when you have sex with someone you don't like. I get that. I don't need to be beaten over the head with that. My son is almost six months old and his father has seen him ONCE. Fellows, ladies, whomever, it would suggest to me that once in six months is NOT a fellow that gives a flying circus about his offspring. Just saying. So keep that in your accounting when you reply please.

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