Children from a previous relationship

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015 ( 60 moms have responded )

31

0

3

So My husband went to South Carolina to see his son for his birthday. He was suppose to stay at his aunts house in Georgia. He said that he would call me back when her got there Thursday night. I got no call he finally text me yesterday morning at 1030 and I found out that he slept over at his ex and her boyfriends house now the point is that before he left I talked to him about not feeling comfortable because I went thought this with my ex and he was saying he was going to see his daughter but was cheating. When I was upset today he told me that " I am just going to have to understand" he told me he has a day and a half left there and he is not going to waste it arguing with me!!! Lmao I was not trying to argue I was looking for an apology for not informing me of his plans or asking how I would feel if he had to stay there! Tried saying I will talk to you when I am on my way home smh if I'm not important now I don't want to talk about it later.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 08/15/2015

3,558

36

3907

"And don't lie and say ur staying at ur aunts house if that's not the deal at all."

Maybe he didn't lie about it. Maybe it wasn't the deal initially but then the ex invited him to stay with his son once he got there.

I am also incredibly concerned that you are having fights weeks at a time. I think you two need some serious relationship counselling. It sounds to me like there are issues that remain unresolved that continue to come up in arguments over and over again, and this is not healthy for your relationship.

Jodi - posted on 08/15/2015

3,558

36

3907

"All of this chaos could have been avoided if he said I'm sorry for not taking ur feelings into consideration."

So you have turned this into a larger situation because he won't say sorry on your terms. That's really big of you.

One thing I always say to my students, "when you did that, did that make the situation bigger or smaller?". The goal is, that our actions should never be undertaken to make the situation bigger, but rather to either help make it smaller or at least a step towards making it smaller.

In the midst of a disagreement (which this clearly was), maybe he wasn't ready to apologise. Maybe he didn't feel like apologising on YOUR schedule. Have you ever heard of putting space into a situation? For example, I know my husband will NEVER apologise immediately, and definitely never while still heightened over an issue. We very rarely argue, but when we do, I generally stop and back off, even if I believe I am owed an apology because he got snappy or something like that. If he is upset enough to be snappy over something, then I assure you, he is upset enough that he is nowhere near ready to apologise for it.

Continuing to escalate a situation because someone won't apologise is simply making the situation worse. Take a more mature approach and back off when he asks you to (which he clearly has) and address it again when you have both had a chance to calm down.

Jodi - posted on 08/15/2015

3,558

36

3907

Uh, no-one was "bashing" you. I think you need to get a grip if that's what you read into these posts. Posters were suggesting that maybe your lack of trust is a problem here. Yes, it would have been nice of him to text you to let you know he arrived safely, but he shouldn't have to ask your permission to stay under the same roof as his son because you have an issue of trust. And starting an argument because you want an apology when he clearly doesn't agree with you is really not very productive. He actually DOES have a point - he has limited time with his son and you really ARE just going to have to understand. That child came first, not you. His son will always be his priority, not you. Why would he want to discuss this with you and waste his time with his son when he can discuss it with you when he gets home? You can't just demand an apology from someone who clearly doesn't agree with you on this issue.

I would very strongly suggest you learn to pick your battles. And a battle about his choices when he is with his son, who he clearly doesn't see frequently, is not one of them. Why is it such a problem to leave it be for now and then discuss it later when his focus is not on his child?

Personally, I think you came here for validation, not advice.

60 Comments

View replies by

Raye - posted on 08/17/2015

3,761

0

21

I have not read all the comments, but I wanted to say that you and your husband have trust issues. You don't trust him to be in the house with his ex. He doesn't trust you to tell you the truth. Bad way to conduct yourselves in a marriage.

I also want to say that he is not your ex, and shouldn't be punished for something he hasn't done (the cheating). But he should have talked to you about the sleeping arrangements and not lied.

You need honest communication. Whether you stay together or not is something you have to decide, but even to co-parent with him successfully, you have to have some trust and good communication.

Jodi - posted on 08/16/2015

3,558

36

3907

I guess if you two have been in relationship counselling and it is getting no better, and you have so many unresolved issues, then separation is probably what it needs to be.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

Which is exactly what I plan to do we don't need to be together for our kids we can just co-parent. The kids can not continue to see such disarray .

Jodi - posted on 08/15/2015

3,558

36

3907

I think you are misunderstanding the term "control". In the context of this, I am referring to how you can make changes and do things differently. The only person you can control in regards to that is yourself. You can't "demand" someone treats you with respect or "demand" they apologise. You can't make them treat you in any particular way. But you can change the way you deal with it.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

My husband I do not control I asked him to be respectful of my feelings I was in no way asking him to do anything out of the ordinary but stay in touch it's fine like I said its one thing right after another so I give up.

Jodi - posted on 08/15/2015

3,558

36

3907

I think you need to continue in your counselling. It's not that anyone here is feeling sorry for your husband, but trying to point out that you are not perfect in this either. I assure you, if your husband came on here and asked advice from his perspective, we'd be telling him things he might not like to hear either. Continuing to make a situation bigger is not working together on a resolution. You guys are "right fighting". Have you heard that term? You need to be right. You need him to apologise for being wrong. You won't settle until he admits you are right. And he won't do this. So it continues to spiral. Even when everything seems normal, underneath, you are still angry he won't admit he is wrong, and chances are, he is feeling the same way.

You are both acting like children. Rather than pointing out HIS faults (of which I am sure there are many), look to yourself. The only person you can control is you. But you are trying to control how you feel through controlling him. This is never going to work. If you want to fix something in your life, you have to start with yourself.

YOU are the one who came here looking for advice. We can't give you advice on how to change HIM. Why? Because you can't change who someone is. The only thing we can advise you on is how YOU can do things differently. Telling you how he should do things differently is pointless, because that isn't advice you have any control over.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

And I have strangers feeling sorry for my husband then what good am I. Have a good night.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

It's an endless battle! I have no support, it's one thing right after another. I don't want to I love him to death but there is no other options. Yes I have had counseling as well. I'm just DONE

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2015

8,728

0

21

Do you really want to end your relationship? I personally would not have stayed passed the assault. You did. You were pregnant two months ago. I think you have a lot of work, talking and thinking to do before you can flip the switch like that.

Jodi - posted on 08/15/2015

3,558

36

3907

Have you had individual counselling for your insecurities as well as the relationship counselling?

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

We have been in counseling for 2 years thank you for all ur input. I did not change stories I did try to give u guys more background. But I know what I have to do now. DIVORCE!!!!

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2015

8,728

0

21

You are right, we don't understand. But there is years of kindness, wisdom and experience being shared. It is coming across as harsh. You are still hurting right now too. I am not sure this is even what you are upset about. I think you think it is, but IMO there is a deeper pain. When someone hurts, it's easy to fix on one thing, in this case "if he's say he's sorry it'd be over", I don't think that is what you want, need nor do I think an apology from him will make you feel better.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

No one is assuming that you're changing stories, my dear, YOU ARE changing the story, adding layers to make him seem worse, or whatever.

Here's my advice: If he's abusive, as you claim, and you have been physically assaulted, get out of the relationship.
If he's not, and you're just adding that so that we will validate your feelings, that's just childish, and irritating. You need help

Either way, you need help.

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2015

8,728

0

21

I will say this, you say he likes to put on a show. However, he is the one who cut you off and said we'll discuss this at home. He actually sounds like he's letting a clear limit, not egging you on. However, if he laid his hands on you, that, IMO should have been the end of the drama.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

You guys just don't understand everything that I've stated has happened in the course of our relationship and I just lost the baby on 6/25. Ok I'm going to leave this here because u guys don't know and assume that I'm lying or changing stories so I'm not going to do this.

Michelle - posted on 08/15/2015

3,614

8

3245

I'm with Shawnn, stop changing the story and adding in bits to make him look bad and validate your side.
If what you are saying is true then your marriage has a lot more issues than just him not telling you where he was staying for a night.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

I'll add this: I feel sorry for him at this point. I've been in his shoes, and they aren't fun. It takes A LOT of patience on the part of the spouse that is trying to prove that they're NOT like a past relationship, and after YEARS of dealing with it...well, I sympathize with him.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

So, he's never cheated on you, but you refuse to trust him. That's healthy...NOT.

The further we get into this, the more you throw into the pot. At different times you've claimed that he's a good person, and husband, and that he's an abusive, inconsiderate ass...Do you even know which is correct?

I think I'm out of this one. It reminds me oh so much of a conversation with my 17 YO...one detail here, one detail there, conflicting details all around...I have enough of that at home, thanks very much.

When you figure out which version of the story you're going to move forward, let me know.

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2015

8,728

0

21

He strangled you? What the heck. If he assaulted you during pregnancy, that is a felony! If it resulted in the demise of your baby, that is manslaughter. Good heavens, you have more going on here than wanting him to apologize for sleeping under a different roof!

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

Actually I said this is the first issue that we have had with him not informing me and him going to visit his kids away from home. If you must know when I lost the baby he strangled me because we a
We're arguing about my daughter telling me that he called her a whore and he denied it
No he has never cheated on me.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

Cripes, I can't even keep up with this one.

His kids are that old, and you're still having issues with his relationship?

Of course you were 'accommodating of him and his kids'...As long as they met your terms.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

You aren't seeing this clearly. If you TRUST him, you don't have a problem with him staying with is ex, and you don't have a problem if he forgets to contact you while he's spending his precious time with his kids.

If you DID really trust him, you wouldn't have turned the whole thing into an argument that has lasted this long.

Have you ever stopped to consider this: He told you he was staying at his aunt's, because, initially, that was the plan. When the plan changed, perhaps because his kid said "Daddy, can you PLEASE spend the night with me", he didn't consider it that big of a deal (which, in reality, it wasn't until you blew it entirely out of proportion)

The bottom line here is this: YOu are married to this man, and have been in a relationship with him for the last four years at least. If you don't trust him now, you never will. Perhaps you'd benefit from individual counseling for your huge trust issue, and perhaps not, but your relationship will NOT survive your continued insecurity towards him, and his relationship with his ex in regards to their child.

You also contradict yourself, saying in one post that "We lost a baby after we had a 2 week disagreement and a massive amount of stress", where in another, you say nothing like this has ever happened before...

Answer this: HAS HE EVER CHEATED ON YOU???

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2015

8,728

0

21

Mrs. B- I just got caught up and your post caught my attention:
"All of this chaos could have been avoided if he said I'm sorry for not taking ur feelings into consideration. And that would have been the end of the issue. But he likes to put on a show. We lost a baby after we had a 2 week disagreement and a massive amount of stress. He seems not to be affected like I am about the loss. I'm sure I have a bit of depression going on between the every 2weeks craziness with him and the miscarriage"

First, I am sorry you lost a baby. However if marital discord caused miscarriages, then many, many babies would be lost. You cannot blame him or your marital woes for the loss of the baby. If you continue to hold on to this resentment, you will not recover from the sorrow.
Second, I don't think you would have been happy with an apology, nor would you be at this point either. Unless you find a way to let go of the hurt in your first marriage you are going to drive this man away too.
HE did not cheat on you, HE did not take your baby from you, HE did not betray your trust.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

I have not been grilling him for 4 years, this is the first time that this issue has came up. All I asked is that he be considerate of my feelings. He has not been there is 15 years the kids always come here.

Michelle - posted on 08/15/2015

3,614

8

3245

Maybe he lied about where he was staying because he knew you would fly off the handle.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

And this is the first time any situation like this has came up, he has not been there in 15 years

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

Shawn our relationship is like that at all. I trust him he has never given me any reason not to trust him but. I do have past hurts that cause me not to be comfortable with certain things. I just asked that he keep me his wife in the loop and that was all and he did the complete opposite. And don't lie and say ur staying at ur aunts house if that's not the deal at all.

Michelle - posted on 08/15/2015

3,614

8

3245

He is spending time with his child, he doesn't have to report in to you once a day either. You are expecting him to apologize to you, what about you apologizing to him? Tell him you are sorry for getting angry when he didn't call you.
You are his wife, not his Mother and he doesn't have to inform you of every detail of his plans.
It all comes down to your lack of trust and that's something you need to work on. If you don't you will push him away.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

It's been 4 years of your grilling him about his not keeping in contact, etc, because of your ex.
He's tired of proving himself to you, and he has nothing to apologize for at this point. If anything you need to apologize to him for not being able to trust at this point in your relationship.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

I would not care if he called me once a day that would be sufficient I don't put outrageous requests on him

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

But the point is, he should NOT have to continue to apologize because you can't get over your trust issues.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

Michelle does have a good point. Let me tell you, from the "other" spouse's side, how it feels:

Your new spouse was in a very destructive and hurtful relationship prior to marrying you. Every time you leave his side, he demands to know where you'll be, who you'll be with, etc, even though YOU HAVE NEVER DONE A THING TO WARRANT THE TREATMENT. When you're out and about, if another man speaks to you (even if he KNOWS the person in question), you will then be grilled about "What did he say to you, and why did he talk to you". If you take ONE SECOND too long to get home from an errand, and God forbid you don't answer your cell phone, his mind immediately runs to cheating...IT'S FRUSTRATING TO HAVE TO CONTINUE, OVER AND OVER, TO PROVE YOURSELF TO YOUR NEW SPOUSE.

My husband and I have been married now for 25 years, and the first couple of years, I was subjected to that very unhealthy mindset BECAUSE HIS EXWIFE HAD CHEATED ON HIM WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. I have never been unfaithful in 25 years, but during that first couple, I spent MONTHS ON END trying to get him to figure it out.

You've been with this man now for 4 years. HAS HE EVER CHEATED????? If not, then why are you continuing to subject him to that treatment? It is unfair to both of you, really, because you are NEVER going to be able to bring yourself to trust him if you haven't by now.

I just looked at it from that angle, after michelle posted. I'll tell you, from your husband's point of view, he shouldn't have to continually prove to you that he isn't cheating when he's going on his allotted time with his children. You really do need to get through your issues before you lose this relationship as well. No one is a saint. If my hubs hadn't agreed to counseling with me, and OPENED HIS EYES to the fact that I am NOT his ex, we'd not still be together, with two grown kids of our own.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

All of this chaos could have been avoided if he said I'm sorry for not taking ur feelings into consideration. And that would have been the end of the issue. But he likes to put on a show. We lost a baby after we had a 2 week disagreement and a massive amount of stress. He seems not to be affected like I am about the loss. I'm sure I have a bit of depression going on between the every 2weeks craziness with him and the miscarriage

Michelle - posted on 08/15/2015

3,614

8

3245

I understand your feeling because of the way you have been treated in the past but to make demands on your husband about when he has to ring you and other things, that's not fair to him.
You are the one that has the issues and you need to find a way to work through them and trust your husband. Just because that's what your ex did doesn't mean your husband will do the same.
Of course he will be upset with you comparing him to your ex all the time. That's what you are doing by saying "My ex did this and cheated".
He wants to spend time with his child and doesn't need you dictating what he does when he is there.
Sorry if you feel you are being "bashed" but you're not, sometimes people looking at a problem from the outside can see better than those that are involved, like you.
You keep talking about how YOU feel, YOUR past and what YOUR ex did. What about your husband? A marriage is a partnership.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

We have 2 children ages 2 & 4 and I do want it to work between us but I'm running out of fuel. Yes he has never done anything to make me not trust him but does a great job of making me feel unimportant. When things are good they are really good but when things are bad they are really bad 😔 I honestly think there is more to it like bipolar or something but an evaulation has not been offered. I left a message for the counselor on Friday hopefully she calls back tomorrow.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

So, why are you still in this relationship, if he will not meet you halfway, attend and LISTEN at counseling?

Sounds like a pretty one sided relationship, if you ask me.

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2015

8,728

0

21

So this does go deeper than just a misunderstanding. You have not healed from your past hurts. So renegotiating this issue can be a treatment goal for you as a couple.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

We go to counseling there is more to it whenever I open my mouth about something that bothers me I'm instantly being ridiculous. I don't have a voice then he closes me out emotionally and it will carry on for 2 weeks until he deems it necessary to speak to me. I might as well not even have a husband w
During these time so I posted here because I have no support at all. Counseling don't seem to be doing anything for us I want to keep fighting for my marriage but I'm mentally exhausted

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

May I suggest counseling? You've got some trust issues, which is understandable, but as I said, you're letting that turn this situation into a huge deal, when it really wasn't a huge deal.

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

Smh my issue is that I have been lied to in the past and had issues with my ex cheating on me with his baby mother, I made my husband aware of my feelings and he said that he would reassure me so I can feel better about the decision. Both my ex and his ban mother were adults too. And even so my husband should check in with me regardless of the situation I should not go 3 days not hearing from him.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

You have no idea how many 'new' partners are VERY jealous of the time their new partner spends with his child and, as a result, their ex.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2015

13,254

21

2015

No one is bashing you, but if you feel that you have been, simply by being told that both you and he are adults...well...?

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2015

8,728

0

21

Mrs. Baker, where in my response did I bash you? If anything I think I supported your feelings!

Mrs - posted on 08/15/2015

31

0

3

And it had nothing to do with not trusting him he knows what I went they as he was my best friends before dating, he knew that I was uncomfortable before he left and he said that he would make sure that I feel better about the situation and he did the opposite. This is not the only time that he has not respected my feelings. And jealous of his children smh!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms