clueless late teen

Bobbi - posted on 06/24/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My almost 20 year old is being a bum. He spends little time on anything but his girlfriend.

He had committed to helping me this Saturday with a huge project that I have. He recently said that by the way his girlfriend has a wedding in her family and can't help on Saturday. I just discovered that he is planning to be gone for 4 days! this just after my husband and I bought him tickets to go visit family for two weeks. I don't want to kick him out of the house, but I am frustrated!

14 Comments

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Shannon - posted on 09/07/2011

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i know how you feel, my step son was working he had a real good job then he hurt himself ,he was living with his om for almost 2 years she made him pay rent and had him help around the house. then she realized it was time he should go. she gave him 6 months to get his self togeather well he didnt he asked if he could stay with us. we have 3 young kids 16 and twins that our 10 rich and i both are on disabity. i was the one who wokrd until i got hurt i broke my hip and had 4 surgerys the last one a total hip that never healed right so we are on a limited income. i agreed to let him stay a month, wich enede up 2 years, couse his dad is a softy, at frist i said he did not have to pay rent couse i wanted him to save, pluse we were taking a chance couse my kids were getting help and i did not want to loose that he was getting comp checks.it was very stressful on everyone. my other son has many learning issues and is in bocces he has anxity and ocd. it was hard. for 2years he did nothing never went out was always here and i was the bad one. frist i said he could stay for the holidaysthen he had to find a place but that came and went.he never helped out and lived rent free with cable and everything. our realationship my husband and i was very stressful. plus it was not doing my step son anygood. he was depressed and could not take cre of himself. it does not teach any of theses kids who still live at home and get a free ride any responsiblity or how to take care of themselfs. yes he got hurt but all he did was complain about his pain wich i had no sypathy for. i have been in constant pain for 8 years i can not do alot of things but i get up everyday and take care of my kids.you are not teaching him anything by jut letting him live there with no responsiblity. finally he had to leave. because i was not gonna jeperdize my younger ones, we had already lost our hoe and everything e owed and i was not gonna let that happen again couse he didnt want to leave. he finaly got his settlemnt and moved out lst month. he now has a job. i know he is much happier at 24 he needed his owen life but rich really hada hard time letting him go. my ldest daughter 22 left home at 18 it was hard but she has her owen place and a god job. having your older kids live at home getting free ride is not good for them how are they ever gonna learn how to take care of themselfs and be responsible if you dont teach them, i now as a parent you want to protect them but you really arent once they get out there they dont have a clue.

Iridescent - posted on 03/17/2010

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Wow, this is nearly a year old. I suspect that one way or another, it's worked itself out.

User - posted on 03/17/2010

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One question I have is how does he have a girlfriend and be able to keep her with no job...it takes money to go out with a girlfriend or usually the girlfriend doesn't stick around for long..... When he will be gone for these 4 days who's paying for the transportation and food he will need? I guess that's really two questions now....LOL

User - posted on 06/25/2009

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Yes I hope everything sorts itself out too. I have not seen much of "the bum" nor "the girlfriend" in a very long time and I wrote this under a fake account because I know that both "the bum" and "the girlfriend" do respect bobbi and would be upset with me if they knew I wrote this, which is why i will never admit to doing so either. It was just upsetting to see this written on facebook where both the "bum" and "the girlfriend" could openly read it, both getting their feelings hurt. 20 year olds are under a lot of pressure, and I know i'm just a friend of a friend of a friend of "the bum" and "the girlfriend" but I guess it was just a little upsetting to see the things she wrote about somone who seems to be working quite hard to build a responsible life for himself.

[deleted account]

Quoting Jen:

I think that bobbi herself could use a real dose of reality too! First of all it is her STEPson, whom both her and her husband seem to constantly be taking advantage of. He has a job, in fact he just got a better one that even offers benefits, and he plans on working to pay for college that he's starting in the fall. As far as the girlfriends family wedding, those are planned well in advance and his girlfriend is so organized that im positive she mentioned it before this week. Constantly expecting your "bum" to be on call to babysit, well it's not really babysitting when he's practically raising her 2 young children. He diciplines them is their primary caretaker. As work at home realestate agents it seems bobbi nor her husband can find time to actually raise their children. Expecting your 20 year old to just be around at your every beck and call is rediculous, he cleans your house, raises your kids, keeps the yard, what more can you expect him to do! and No offence ladies but this charging rent theory is preposterous when you treat your stepchild like a maid and nanny. And little time on anything but the girlfriend... Seriously now? She spends a good majority of her time spent with your so called "bum" of a stepson over at YOUR house watching YOUR children. They take them on outings, make their meals and clean up after them! And it's not he's going out to spend some family time with your family IT's HIS MOTHER! I can't imagine the things she would like to say to you after reading this, I'm outraged and I'm just a mutual friend of "the bum" and his girlfriend. Quite honestly I feel bad for them after I've not been able to make plans with them because He's always buisy watching your kids, and I've witnessed the phone calls you make to him demanding he get home to watch your kids cause you have things to do. Oh! and you know what! It's also preposterous that HE IS NOT PAID FOR ANYTHING HE DOES FOR YOU! I think you need to really be rethinking about how freaking lucky you are to have him around rather then badmouthing him over a facebook group, which he can obviously see. If these ladies knew how selfish and immature you were acting in this whole situation they would definately side with your stepson.



LOL - Its funny to actually see how little you can understand a situation from one persons definition of it. I think most were thinking about rent as a way to contribute to the running of the house although all those I know at home after school pay board and do some housework but I think the key is balance. At 20 years old alot of people are still trying to make the most of life before taking on the extra responsibilities that come with adulthood - cars, loans, mortgages, kids etc. I think they need some freedom to enjoy that too. Whatever the situation I hope everything sorts itself out

Nancy - posted on 06/25/2009

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sounds like he definately needs a dose of reality. rent is a start. we had our nephew staying with us at this age, and thought we'd go crazy! he had little interest in anything until we made him EARN everything, just like he would on his own. He showed us NO respect! If you don't nip it in the bud now, just wait until he gets that girlfriend pregnant and then you have another child on your hands.

Alka - posted on 06/25/2009

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iron hand in velvet glove. you need to be firm. life is about -"you get what you give" and sometimes not even that. dont make your son a softie who thinks life is a breeze. he commits, he completes. otherwise, play the same game on him. commit and back off at the last minute. some times the kids need to be put in the same spot they put you in. dont be afraid of tantrums and ugly scenes. look at the big picture. and talk to him when he is receptive . start by- I am sorry we had that argument the other day..... no one want to be attacked, so gently set the arrangement.....

[deleted account]

Both my fiances and my own parents both had the policy that if we lived at home and we werent studying then we had to get a job and pay board. No board no living at home. My fiances parent used to give him no sleep in and no place to really retreat until he finally got out and found a job. Only thing is you cant threaten anything that you wont follow through with.

Frances - posted on 06/25/2009

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Does he pay rent? does he work? does he contribute to the household at all? if no to all of these just kick him out, its about time he grew up and took responsibilty for his life. My mum kicked me out when i was slacking at home with my boyfriend and it was the best thing she could have done for me. It really brought me down to earth, especially because it was 3 days before xmas and we were on the bones of our arses. But if he can focus on his girlfriend so much he survive out in the world by himself. Be strong and rehome him!

Deanna - posted on 06/24/2009

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I agree with Linn Hall. As much as you want to help, take care of, and protect your son, he needs to live int he real world. Perhaps he is going to college and thus not working, but maybe he could fit a part time job in and pay you some kind of rent or at least one of the utilities?

If he isn't going to school, then he needs to be working and paying you rent, just as he would anywhere else. I've had friends and family members who have lived off their parents most of their life and I think it can wind up hurting more than helping, because eventually they have to learn to survive on their own and it's a very harsh dose of reality. While it isn't wrong to help out on occasion, he needs to learn to take care of himself.

Heidi - posted on 06/24/2009

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Hello its called RENT!!! I moved back in with my parents when I was expecting my daughter. I paid them $150 a month in rent and also had to help out with food. Hate to say this but I lived with them for 2 years and they never "gave" anything to me. Even if he stays with you for two years like I did, at least you are getting rent from him and teaching him responsibility all in one! Good luck!

Linn - posted on 06/24/2009

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It does him no good to be protected from the real world at this point in the game. If he is not working, he needs to get a job. If he is not paying for rent and food, he needs to start immediately or work out things he can do for YOU at a certain rate per hour that will pay for those things. I would also advise you to write up a contract listing all of this and have him sign with a clause that says he will be asked to leave immediately if the contract is not fulfilled. He would not get away with that in the work world. I love my kids dearly, but when they are "adults" they need to start being accountable.

[deleted account]

tell him you have found some great places in the area for him to rent and that you will help him pack. I had to tell my son that I was thinking of breaking up with him because I didnt like the way he was treating me. Let him know that just because you are his mom , doesnt mean that he can take advantage of you, and if he makes a committment you expect him to honour it. Tough love or get the heck out kid! too often we are such wusses when it comes to our kids, what are we teaching them when we dont stand up for ourselves and expect them to step up? As my friend is fond of saying "my way or the highway". you have the right to be respected and its up to you to tell him that.

User - posted on 06/24/2009

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When my brother moved back home, my parents let him stay for free, for six months. Then they started charging him rent. Every six months the rent would go up. Eventually he moved out. Good luck. You might try shorter time periods to help motivate him.

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