Co-Parenting

Jen - posted on 03/03/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Ok so my daughter is 1.6 years old! I became a single mom when I was 4 months pregnant. my daughters father gave me a very hard time throughout my pregnancy and even after she was born about seeing her. He would go months without seeing her at a time. I even moved out of state and still he showed no interest in worrying about her. I found a new boyfriend and when my daughter turned one her father decided to "want to be in her life". So I allowed it! He gives me $125 a month for child support and sees her every other weekend. He doesn't call much at all in between his weekends. My main issue is that when my daughter gets home from his house she acts inappropriately such as throws temper tantrums rolls her eyes at me and recently started to hit me. I feel like she's unstable due to the transitions. He doesn't really know her to well so he always complains about her being hyper or crying! I came to the idea that I would not allow her to spend the nights with him any more but I don't want to be a bad "typical babymomma" as this generation would say. I must add Im ok with his new girlfriend. Hes been with her for almost 2 years now so im all for the co-parent idea Its been 6 months they both have her every other weekend! Any advice!?

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Ledia - posted on 03/03/2015

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Tantrums are pretty much par for the course at her age, and unfortunately, they are probably going to get louder and more violent over the next two years. That doesn't mean to leave them unchecked though--you still need to discipline, just know that it is a normal developmental stage.

In addition to the normal tantrums 1-4 year olds have, those living between households typically display more severe tantrums than those in families where all members live together. Surprisingly, the bigger the gap in time spent at each home, the more severe the tantrums (or more emotional turmoil). In other words, children who spent equal amounts of time in both mom's home and dad's home were much more emotionally stable than those who spend the majority of time at mom's home and only weekends at dad's home. The children spending equal time at each home tend to handle the emotional demands of the transfer better than those who spend most of their time with one parent, and only a small amount of time with the other. Rather than cutting the visitation time, your better option might be to allow her to spend MORE time with her father. Unless you have concerns about her safety. In which case you just need to deal with the tantrums.

Ev - posted on 03/03/2015

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First, its common for your daughter at this age to be tossing fits and acting out as its common for her age. She is not alone in that.

Second, given she goes back and forth to dads for weekend visits, the transition is going to take time to work itself out and also he is going to need time to get used to her too. You did not say how long she has been on this visitation schedule so if its not been too long, you are not giving it time and neither is he for it to work.

Third, a child this age just does not have the vocabulary to tell you how they feel about things going on. They also do not understand why things are the way they are.

Fourth, you and dad and even the signicant others could sit down and go over the issues that you are seeing and work them out together because it sounds like you are working things.

Fifth, if this visitation is court ordered and for overnights, you can not keep her from going. Its his time and by the court orders she has to go. If you keep her from going, he could take you to court for "parental alienation" which is keeping the child from the other parent for whatever reasons that are not considered good enough by the court to keep her from dad. He could file for custody at that point.

This is just some points I am making.

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Jen - posted on 03/04/2015

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I am always for her spending more time with him! I was a little scared he wouldn't want to so I didn't really bring it up. However we sort of spoke about it yesterday and came to agree that spending more time with him will help! Thanks for you advice it definitely helped a bunch! now to see how it goes :) Be blessed awesome moms again thanks for the help!

Ev - posted on 03/03/2015

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You should really get court ordered custody, vistiation, and child support. This protects you all in that the parents are held responsible for their ends of things and the child has a consistent relationship with both. Though this is a verbal agreement now, it could be changed on either part and not please the other parent for whatever reasons. This is why you need the court orders because now depending on your state, he has as much right to take her as you do and no one can stop him.

As for your husband, he is going to have to deal with it. This man has finally decided that he has a need to be there for this child and wants to try to do what he can. I know its upsetting to your husband because he as been there for her more than her bio father has but he has to understand that this man has rights to a relationship with his own child. Give him time yes, but tell him that you and the father still need to sit down and work things out even if your husband is not yet ready to talk things out.

Jen - posted on 03/03/2015

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Its been 6 months. Its not court ordered. I mean we try our best to come to understand each other well at least I do. Thank you so much for your input! I been meaning to try the sit down and talk the 4 of us but my husband just isn't ready I guess. He is a little upset that it took her father a year to step up as well as seeing my husband care for my daughter as his own. Any advice in that area I don't want to force him to be ok with the situation but I want it to be ok so we the 4 of us can communicate better!

Also he is in anger management classes due to previous issues and maybe that worries me too? My daughter is really hyper active and consumes a lot of attention and I wonder if she gets it there!

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