Leela - posted on 07/10/2013 ( 12 moms have responded )
Dear fellow moms,
I'm hoping you can help. I have a wonderful 10 yr old boy with my ex. We were never married. When I became pregnant,it was very painful since our relationship had ended a month before. He said that I was too 'black' for him despite the fact that we had been friends for over 10 years. He refused to acknowledge the child in any way and for 2 years I raised my son with the help of my family. He kept on partying, dating etc. After this period he indicated he wanted a relationship with his son. I allowed it as I felt it was in the best interest of his son. For another year his only contribution was to buy pampers every month. Note that I was struggling to make ends meet while he kept partying etc. I was extremely blessed to get a job that has made me financially secure, and I decided to work with him to co-parent. I want my son to know his dad. For the next 6 years he was involved with a woman who said she didn't want kids, didn't want my son around, didn't want my ex attending events etc unless she was present and would also hit my son and tell him abusive things in private (my son told us about it). She would text me and tell me to take care of my child and leave them alone, she didn't want either of us around (note I would wait in the car for pick ups and drop offs. His family would come out and talk to me and she insisted that stop). My ex missed my son's birthdays, didn't pick him up when he was supposed to, called my son a liar etc. However he says he loves his son, and his son definitely loves him. Our arrangements have been flexible since I work long hours and also study (note he would tell me he couldn't watch our son when I went to school because he had to work, yet I would see him and his gf out shopping). It was a really stressful time but because we have joint custody I'm not sure what to do. Note that my son wasn't even invited when they decided to get married. That relationship, thank God is over (I know that may sound mean).We rebuilt our friendship and decided to work together in the best interest of our son. He subsequently left 2 jobs and wasn't able to financially contribute for months (note he left the jobs because he was unhappy and did not have other job prospects. We have an arrangement where he is supposed to pay 50percent of all costs). I had to pay for everything during this period which was tough. Still I tried to be supportive - best interest of the child rite? Because of what happened last time he told me he would not lie to me anymore (yes I know I was a sucker) and that he would be upfront with me should he go into other relationships. I'm pretty paranoid that my son will get hurt again. Despite this, I found out this week that he has been dating a woman for a couple of months who is separated and going through a divorce. She has 3 kids, 11, 9 and 2 months. I think that's his business, he can date whoever he wants. He told me he's been taking it slow as he wants to be careful about the kids. However, my son told me that he's been going to this woman's house,going movies with them etc. My ex told me those were all coincidences. I don't know this woman and after everything we went through before I just want to protect my son. Obviously I don't trust my ex. What does piss me off is:
that he said he's broke so I've been picking up more expenses than I should - he can barely take care of the 1 he has!
The constant lying - he could have said something earlier. i hate the fact that all this is happening behind my back.
and most of all that he's been trying to sleep with me - thankfully I switched that off button a long time ago.
After 10 years, I need some peace of mind. I want my son to be happy and he really does love his father, but I am tired of the drama. My ex' s mother told me I am making a big fuss over nothing - I should get over it and trust her son to make wise choices. I agree about not holding on to the past, but I think I've been ridiculously patient and supportive. We are both now in our mid 30's and while I have had relationships I have never behaved like my ex. Sorry for such a long note.Any advice?