"Co-Parenting" with an unstable verbally abusive dad

Ashley - posted on 11/24/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )




Where to start. I have been divorced for 4 years now. I share custody of my 10 year old son with my ex. We do not have a court ordered custody arrangement, and I do not receive child support from him. I made a schedule that he agreed to and we both have him 50% of the time. I have him Mondays and Tuesdays, Dad gets him Wednesdays and Thursdays and then we switch off with the weekends, pretty even right?

Well, whenever the ex seems to be going through something i seem to be the target for his anger and I am so sick of dealing with it. He will be fine for a bit and then I get messages like this :
"your a f*cking joke as usual and no wonder why he wants to live with me"

My son has never expressed the want to live with his dad, My ex is 32, still lives at home and when it is his weekend he is gone half the time and my son is with his grandparents.

I have tried being nice, Ive tried fighting back. I just don't know what to do with this anymore. I didn't take him to court for child support because I didn't want to cause the fights, I kept custody out of court to make it easier on him and show our son that we can still get along. But days like today I just wish he would disappear!

Any advice is much appreciated.


Michelle - posted on 11/24/2015




I agree with the other ladies about getting it all court ordered. That way you are all protected and know who has what days.

I will address the days you have though. I have done 50/50 shared care for over 10 years now and have found that changing homes so frequently can be disturbing for the children. Think about going to each parent's home like moving house. It's one of the most stressful times in our adult lives. I have found that longer stretches at each house are easier for the children and parents (especially if there are different rules at each house). We started off doing week about but we now do every 3 weeks with every 2nd weekend. The children get into a better routine and are more settled.
We came up with this after our oldest son was having problems and the counsellor explained how disruptive changing homes really was. I am an advocate for shared care but we also need to think about the children going from 1 house to the other so often.

Raye - posted on 11/24/2015




I agree, there should be court orders as a protection and something to let each parent know what their rights are LEGALLY. Right now, the father could take the child and not give him back. You would then have to fight in court and it would be a "he said/she said" battle. The police can't intervene to get your child back, because it's a civil matter. If there's a court order in place, and one parent tries to take more than their appointed time, then they can be brought up on charges. You would still have to go to court, but there would be orders that the court can take action against.

Going to court doesn't have to be a fight. If you have a current agreement, then type it up and tell your ex you're going to have the judge sign it into a formal custody order.

It's great you wanted to be nice. But he doesn't sound very nice to you, and you don't owe him nice. You should be civil, reasonable, and calm with your ex, and not respond to his anger, as he could use that against you. But don't allow him to walk all over you, either. He needs to learn that you won't take his threats, so go have the agreement formalized into court orders. Then he will be accountable for his actions.

Ev - posted on 11/24/2015




And my answer to this is get that court ordered custody, visitation and child support done now. Legally he could keep your son from you because there is no court orders in place. You do have a good set up right now but what if dad suddenly decides he won't give the boy back. You need to have court orders set. It protects the boy and makes you and dad accountable for your actions.


View replies by

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/24/2015




If you have no court orders, you NEED to get some.

Not having court orders means that either of you could decide to not let the other have access, which would not be legal, nor fair.

GO TO COURT. do it the legal way

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms