College aged son & girlfriend are getting too serious. HELP!!!!!!!

Shari - posted on 11/22/2014 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My 19 year old son & his 19 year old girlfriend have been dating for 2 years. They met as freshmen at Penn State. They are now juniors. They've broken up and gotten back together numerous times. He believes she has cheated over summer break, so he cheated too. I am so tired of him calling from school at 3 am wanting to talk about their situation. I try to tell him the obvious i.e. (focus on school, you're too young). He tells me that he loves her & she cries and tells him that she loves him. They argue every other day at school. I'm at my wit's end! And she coming on Thanksgiving day. I want to talk to the both of them. What do I say?

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Wanda - posted on 11/23/2014

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Evelyn, I hear you. We have a 20 year old in a not so great relationship and have heard all his complaints and sorrows as well.
Shari wants to have a talk with them. So that was my suggestion.
My children want to talk to me all the time. They need someone to hear them. I have made mistakes as well, but I have learnt to listen better and give less advise. That is why I suggested simply saying how it is from the outside looking in.

Ev - posted on 11/23/2014

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Wanda-

Love your reply but I have to say that no 19 year olds are going to be willing to sit down with mom or dad even and listen to what they have to say most of the time. At this age these young adults think they have it all figured out and have to learn on their own. Mom should not have to sit them down and speak to them about how she sees it from the outside. Besides it might even put a further wedge between her son and herself. It could cause other issues. The best she can do is to let him have a certain set of hours to call her and after that for emergency only and let him come to her for advice. I offered my daughter some advice before she got married and it almost drove us apart. I bit my tongue for days after that. And she was 21.

14 Comments

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A - posted on 11/25/2014

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If he is talking of marrying her then that is his decision, he is an adult. All you can do is support him as best as you can. Advice him to ask her about the counciling if you want but you must stay out of it- don't be one of those future MIL who always butts in. If you want to tell him not to call you so early then tell him that.

Main campus is so nice. He should know where the health center is then.

Shari - posted on 11/24/2014

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They're at the main campus.Thanks everyone for the great advice. As difficult as this is I have to stay out of it. He's talking about marrying her, sigh......

Dove - posted on 11/24/2014

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I'd be telling my kid not to be calling me at 3am unless someone died. Other than that... stay out of it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/24/2014

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Stay out of it, mom.

At most, refer them to Student Services, and couples counseling. They're adults, and neither will appreciate you butting in to their relationship.

If you feel that you need to say something to your son about the 3 am calls...that's up to you.

Ev - posted on 11/23/2014

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In the case with my daughter, Wanda, I gave her some advice and she ended up in tears. I backed off and it could have cost me the relationship I had with her. Lucky for me and her we patched things up because we are so close. Believe it or not I go to my kids sometimes for advice. Its kind of refreshing too. But as to the kids and their relationship...everyone has a different circumstance set and I agree with what you say but I almost wonder how much she would put into it. Sometimes the best intentions are not taken as such.

Sarah - posted on 11/23/2014

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These young adults both go to Penn State, tell them to go to Student Services and inquire about couples counseling. That way someone can objectively help them communicate and make decisions. Of course you will be there for your son if he wants to talk at a reasonable hour, but you are his mom so it is tough to be objective.

Wanda - posted on 11/23/2014

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Yes they are adults, but most adults need advice. Especially our own children. I would definitely have a talk with them.
Perhaps your talk could be about what you think a healthy relationship consists of. What love means to you. What respect is. I wouldn't ask any questions, but rather get them to sit there and tell them how you see this from the outside looking in.
When we say to children they are too young we disregard their feelings. It leaves them with an opinion, not advice.
And maybe, just maybe they honestly don't know what a real relationship is, after all, they are only 19..

Perhaps tell him your help line is during the hours of 7-9pm. And that after those hours is for emergency calls only.

Ev - posted on 11/22/2014

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Shari~~

I tell you this from experience. My daughter met her husband at school during freshman year. In her junior year they were talking marriage eventually. The summer she came home after her junior year she worked and lived with me. She spent a lot of free time with him. Right before she was due to go back to school, they came to me one weekend and told me that she was expecting a baby. Its not what I wanted for my daughter either, but it had happened and there was naught I could do or say to her about it. They got married within a month after that and its been 3 years. She has not yet finished school but she is working and has two children with her husband. They are doing well. The point is she was 21 at the time and both his parents and me and her father and step mom were wanting to see her graduate. I hope someday she will. What I am saying is I know how hard it is to see your kids do things you know will be harder on them instead of doing the things they should have. I could no longer make her mind up for her and she has made her choices, learned and moved on with life and so have I. We are still close. And I hope this tidbit helps you to understand it a bit more.

Shari - posted on 11/22/2014

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Thanks Sarah and Evelyn. Although technically they are adults its difficult because as a parent I want him to focus on school and not complicated relationships. But I will take your advice.

Ev - posted on 11/22/2014

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I have to agree with Sarah on her response to this. They are adults now. If they can not figure out things that is going to on them. There is not anything you can say that will make them see things and where they are going. If she does come to visit during the holiday, try to make it a pleasant one for all there.

Sarah - posted on 11/22/2014

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They are 19, they need to figure this out on their own. You can start by telling your son not to call you after 10pm unless it is a real emergency. I am sure Penn State has a student services department where they can find individual and couples counseling.

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