College brat or is it me?

Nancy - posted on 07/18/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )




Worked hard to provide opportunities to one of four children who showed athletic promise and the child received a D1 full scholarship. The commitment means limited time at home (left two days after high school graduation). With two children remaining in the 3 bedroom home- who have a 14 year age gap- I moved my six year old out of our room (finally) and into college student's room, leaving personal items untouched, only changing comforter to allow six year old to feel it is his space.Child came home for a party for a friend and refused to speak to me or the six year old. This was communicated for at least six months prior that this would be happening due to logistics and competitively packed travel schedule leaves room unoccupied.
No communication for over a month so I sent an email laying out my feelings, rationale, apologizing for my anger as child has only spoken to my husband, asking her to reflect on her behavior. The email was met with more disrespect from said child, chastising me for my behavior, stating she will talk to me when she is good and ready. She has made plans to go elsewhere for her short break in August with a family friend of mine and that adds another layer.
I am hurt and angry as she was provided above and beyond through sacrifice of time, family, and money so her dreams could be realized. Now, she is so insolent, I can no longer tolerate it. I found out about her going elsewhere through the grapevine she- nor the friend-bothered to communicate with me at all.
Am I wrong to be upset with this behavior? Even though she is staying elsewhere for one of the weeks, she wants to attend beach trip with two of her friends-on our middle class dollar. Feel it is unreasonable and I refuse to let it happen. Thoughts?


♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/19/2015




Its quite obvious that this "child" is actually a young adult, who, having been told the situation of baby brother being moved in to the only available room in the house, needs to get a grip.
She can throw all the fits she wants, but if you have been telling her that this was going to happen for over 1/2 a year now, and she got pissy about it, then you have no obligation to have her stay on your couch, either. If she wants to stay with friends, fine.
I disagree with Michelle's view (which is quite rare, actually) of the parents of the friend needing to contact you. Your child is an adult. A young adult, but an adult, and capable of making her own choices.
Let her know you are disappointed with her lack of maturity, that you do love her, and that she will be welcome in your home as long as she can show age related maturity, not an attitude to rival the youngest child at home.

Sarah - posted on 07/18/2015




I am a little confused. There are four kids, one at a D1 level college and living on campus I presume. That is bedroom one which was transitioned to the 6 year old, right? The other two kids are how old, I presume the same gender and share bedroom number two? Then the master bedroom, which is where your six yo has been sleeping since birth?
If I have that right, I am not surprised your daughter is angry. While it may not be rational, she probably feels a bit alienated. You can't really expect her to equate all of the training time, cost and sacrifice that you made to result in the cost of her bedroom? No matter what your contribution to her athletics, she got that scholarship becasue of her own talent. Do I think the room should sit vacant for her to come use once every few months? No, you have to do what works for your family.
That said, I think your daughter right now is probably very fatigued and stressed from her training and college schedule and is not processing the matter very well. Par for the course for an 18yo. Does she get her room back when she does come home? Depending on how she is performing at school, she may have a bit of an inflated ego right now as well.
I'd give her some breathing room and readdress it in a few weeks. As far as the beach trip; if she wants to pay her own way, let her go.


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Dove - posted on 07/19/2015




When my girls go to college... my son gets their room. They already know this and they are only 13 (and they've known for years). lol We have 4 people in a tiny 2 bedroom place, so that's just the way it's going to go. We have plenty of bed options for if/when they visit, but that room will be HIS.

I would be hurt that she doesn't want to visit, but as she is in college now... where she spends her breaks is up to her. I would NOT be funding any trips whatsoever though... that is her responsibility to provide for herself.

Michelle - posted on 07/18/2015




It's a tough one but if you had been telling her before she left that the youngest would be going into her room then she should have said something then.
In regards to her staying at you friend's house, I would be contacting the friend and letting them know that you should have been contacted before all the arrangements were finalized. I wouldn't be allowing a child to stay here without making sure the parents were aware of the plans.
As far as the beach trip, like Sarah said, if she's willing to pay for it then let her go.

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